• For the remaining handful of you who still fail to comprehend why Fashion Week is the work of Satan himself, consider this: child runway models. You can go and say it's not JonBenet Ramsey, but we're not buying it. Does that little girl's face not tell of her suffering?! [Reuters]
• The Department of Child and Family Services is investigating Britney Spears after she was seen driving with her infant child in her lap. If they take the baby, maybe they can take K-Fed, too. [TMZ]
• Every once in awhile, Village Voice gossip Michael Musto gets off of his bike and shits out a million blind items, all at once. We can't even fathom how to arrange them into a guessing game, so just go on over and knock yourselves out. [VV]
• Aileen Gallagher at FishbowlNY talks to Warren St. John about the JT Leroy hoax; we imagine that after the interview, she took him to her boudoir and made sweet, syrupy love to him and his muscle tee. Well done, girlfriend. [FishbowlNY]
• A strip club indicted for tax evasion? You don't say. [NYP]
• Imagining a day in the life of reformed meth addict Jodi Sweetin, pre-rehab. [The Road More Traveled]
• Michael Kors is Mugatu. [Logged Hours]
• And last — but certainly not least — we proudly share with you some "love and sex advice" from Star Jones Reynolds. If you're brave, you'll crank up the volume for this one. [AOL]

• Never underestimate the power of a hairdresser. Says one with plenty of celebrity clients, "I have this one client, and I gave her an ultimatum...You have to leave him if he's not going to marry you. You're 43, and you've got to get out. You can't accept this. You're beautiful.'" Innneresting. Did Lance refuse to set a date? [NYT]
• Funny that Dave Itzkoff wrote the New York piece on James Frey's editor, Sean McDonald, considering some have called foul on the accuracy of Itzkoff's own memoir. A sympathetic ear always makes for a great interview. [VV]
• A Paris Hilton impersonator crashes Fashion Week, caught on video. It's funny until you watch the clip of the impersonator talking about her job as a Fake Paris — her voice is as monotone and scarily deep as the real thing. [TMZ]
• An open letter to Graydon Carter. [Open Web Letter]
• Natasha Lyonne's father insists that she's not homeless, but rather very wealthy. Sure, but that doesn't address the crackhead problem. [Handbag]

Yesterday, Cindy Adams got her act together and gave us some decent gossip about a man or woman dubbed "Jan," who's a broadway star with a cocaine addiction on the verge of exploding. Knowing fully well that one of you probably was involved with getting Jan hooked, we asked for your guesses as to Jan's identity.

• Kate Moss continues her reign of post-rehab high-fashion supremacy by snagging the cover of British Vogue's March issue. She'll pose in a "delicate" white dress against a pink background, because she's innocent like snowdrifts and flushed cheeks. [TMZ]
• Did Sienna Miller bang Jude Law just to further her own career? Considering we'd never heard of her before she starting dating the ballerina man, we'd say so. [Page Six]
• Naomi Campbell will play Satan in an upcoming film. How's that for typecasting? [Contact Music]
• We think Sharon Stone is getting a little old for the orgy scenes. Your dad, however, disagrees. [R&M]
• We also think Patrick Stewart is getting way too old for the action scenes. Your grandmother, however, disagrees. [Lowdown]

The other night, Lindsay Lohan lost her diary at Hiro. It was eventually returned, but several pages were ripped out, prompting her lawyers to send a preemptive letter to major gossips, threatening that any publication that chose to run the diary's contents would face copyright infringement. Blah, blah — sending a letter like that before any details leak out is as good as giving your client a helmet after she already fell off the monkey bars.

Sometimes you come home at, oh, say, around 11:15 at night. And you're not drunk, by any means, but not you're not quite sober, either. And of course you turn on your computer, because that's what you always do. And then, sometimes, in your not-quite-sober state, things on the web confuse you. For example:

Today is something truly special, folks — Cindy Adams' yorkie-gossip column is actually worth reading! She writes of a person on Broadway, who she dubs "Jan" so we won't know whether the person is male or female. And, of course, Jan has a problem:

• Ooooh, Anderson Cooper is hiring a Production Assistant. Can you handle it when those icy blue eyes demand a latte? Are you ready to make the appointments for his silver mane to be trimmed at Robert Kree? [BrassRing]
• We'll take our drugs however we can get them, but using an innocent puppy as a mule is absolutely unacceptable. So much so, in fact, that it makes us consider climbing on the wagon. [TSG]
• It's not rape if you're too sleepy to say no. [Overheard in NY]
• Blogger Stephanie Klein, who has a lucrative deal with Reagan Books to write about her "sexy" single life, is pregnant. And engaged. Which means Judith Reagan is going to claw her fucking eyes out for ruining the marketing angle. [Greek Tragedy] Our condolences, really.
• You know what would've made Fake Writer James Frey a little less fake? Jesus. [CBN]
• Why are celebrity children allowed to access the internet? We're looking at you, Bobbi Kristina Brown! [Gilded Moose]
• The Village Voice announces its Pazz and Jop awards. [VV]
• Today in sporty brother site Deadspin's Superbowl coverage, we learn that publicists are total assholes who cling to any semblance of exclusivity — even in Detroit. [Deadspin]

• Most recently in the ongoing saga of Lindsay Lohan's battle with retardation, the starlet reportedly slipped on some stairs while carrying a ceramic teacup, which shattered and cut her leg. Interestingly enough, this all went down at Bryan Adams' house. WTF? Is her next asthma attack going to be at Richard Marx's pool party? [CNN]
• More on Kate Moss' grilling with Scotland Yard: She wore black pants! [R&M]
• Shame on you, Lloyd Grove! "Dance: Ten; Looks: Three" is NOT, as you say, a Sondheim classic. If you want to survive in this town, you better fag it up and learn that that A Chorus Line is the work of Marvin Hamlisch. [Lowdown]
• British socialite and Jimmy Choo designer Tamara Mellon hooks up with Kid Rock, though we're not sure how her stilettos will go over during Michigan's hunting season. [Page Six]
• Jodie Sweetin, meth, blah blah blah. What ever happened to predictability? [GMA]

We can only imagine how this "meeting" went: slack-jawed detectives briefly drool over a beautifully distant, scantily clad Moss. They ask her a few quick questions ("So, what's it like being a model? Have you met Naomi Campbell?"), to which she bats her eyelashes and giggles. Before the cocaine issue is even addressed, Moss politely explains that she needs to go (she's late for lunch with Lindsay Lohan, sir, she's sure you understand) and the detectives agree to send her on her way — but only after she gives them her autograph, which they then take to the bathroom for more "investigation."

• Late breaking, but: Behold the bacchanalian realtor horror of the Corcoran Group's holiday party. [BizBash]
• Natasha Lyonne may be back out on the streets, but it doesn't mean she's out of trouble: the cracktress skipped her court date yesterday, presumably because she was out buying 60 lbs of baking soda and some bell jars. [NYP]
• Meg Ryan officially adopts a baby girl from China. She's a mess without her, little China Girl. [Us Weekly]
• A trip to Ikea is stressful enough as is. Taking that trip with your significant other can make for relationship hell. Which is exactly why we'll die old and alone, with furniture made from cardboard boxes. [NY Sun]
• Blackface Jesus explains the blackface; confesses that his Halloween costume was Whiteface Jesus. Of course. [Junk Mag]
• Yesterday on Howard Stern, Alexis Stewart revealed her predilection for fucking the wage laborers. [Howard Stern]
• Billy Joel isn't some little kid, you know. It's time to start calling him "Bill." [NYT]
• How to deal with a porn producer. [JenIsFamous]
• Donald Trump sues the NYT Co. and reporter Timothy L. O'Brien for $5 billion in damages — which should cover, oh, maybe half of Trump's paper losses for the next week. [WSJ]

• A sex scene involving Katie Holmes and Aaron Eckhart has been mysteriously removed from the film Thank You For Smoking, currently showing at Sundance. Never underestimate the editing powers of OT-VIIs. [Page Six]
• As Howard Stern's replacement, David Lee Roth has had a hard time winning over listeners — but not as hard of a time as he has getting his staff to tolerate him. [Lowdown]
• Shar Jones enacts revenge on Britney Spears, who stole her baby-daddy Kevin Federline, by sleeping with Spears' first husband, 48-hour Vegas mistake Jason Alexander. And that, children, is the story of syphilis. [Page Six]
• Billionaire Ron Perelman divorces his fourth wife — actress Ellen Barkin — and is rumored to be rekindling with his second wife, Claudia Cohen. Wives #1 and 3 wait patiently in the wings. [R&M]
• Cokey supermodel Kate Moss signs a $1.8 million deal for the rights to her autobiography. Sayeth the Braunstein: "It is a symbol of a true victim when you get the book rights."

BREAKING:

We can't resist passing along a story that moved on the wires this afternoon:

From the February issue of Esquire, the Burger King ad campaign hits unprecedented levels of ubiquity.

• Kathy Hilton takes a tip from daughter Paris and goes for the midlife-crisis nip-slip. Click to enlarge (NSFW) and shudder. [Jossip]
• Sharp eyes may have noted that Vogue editbeast Anna Wintour's stepson, Samuel Shaffer, was married last Thursday to Kathryn Neale, a freelance writer. Let's hope Ms. Neale freelances enough to finance enough couture to wardrobe a lifetime of dinners with the in-laws. (Also, the wedding was in New Zealand, which explains the shocked emails we got from random Kiwi readers who thought they were hallucinating visions of Chanel tweed.) [NYT]
• And, as long as we're in the Styles section, yes, we too endured the article on teen clubs, featuring barely-legal "promoter" and Grubman PR intern Lexi Lehman. Could she reach media saturation before her 18th birthday? [NYT]
• Everyone's favorite blogging stripper, Mimi in NY, does her thing for the UK Sun. We find her graduation pictures from Cambridge particularly interesting; it's interesting what a blog and a gig at Scores does for to your appearance. [Sun UK]
• Slate hed writers go for the lowest common denominator and ask, "Are teachers who sleep with their students getting off?" Well, for all that trouble, we should hope so. [Slate]
• You'll find a lot of crap on the subway, but only the truly blessed find a bag full of Adderall and condoms. [Craigslist]

• What's truly heartbreaking about Brad Pitt's forthcoming spawn, currently festering in Angelina Jolie's womb, is what the new baby will do to Jolie's two adopted children, Maddox and Zahara. Kids, say hi to your new, gorgeous replacement! [NYDN]
• Katie Couric's contract with the Today show isn't up until May, and she can't even negotiate with CBS until then. So she'd appreciate it if you'd just shut the fuck up about what's next and focus on her legs. [Lowdown]
• Why did Jessica Simpson and her boyfriend/father Joe get angry when George Lopez cracked jokes at Nick Lachey's expense? Was it because Lopez just doesn't have good delivery? [Page Six]
• Kate Moss' ex-boyfriend Pete Doherty pleaded guilty to cocaine and heroin possession. Hasn't this happened already, like, seven times? [R&M (last item)]
• Macauley Culkin is preparing to marry actress Mila Kunis. We salute her bravery. [IMDb]
• So who was the weepy blonde crackhead trying to crash an event at Alain Ducasse at the Essex House? Here's a hint: She's on this page. [Page Six]

A Reuters.com headline this morning:

Yesterday Lindsay Lohan left her NYC hotel room with some "misused and misconstrued" reading material in hand.

• Former Jackass Steve-O claims to have given Paris Hilton and Starvos Niarchos some "mind-altering substances" shortly before Niarchos crashed Hilton's Bentley. Steve-O is clearly our generation's Deep Throat. [Scoop]
• Director Steven Spielberg has demanded an apology from Kathy Griffin after she made a rehab joke in regards to toddling actress Dakota Fanning. Griffin faces blacklisting from Spielberg's projects, but that might be the best thing to ever happen to her career. [Page Six]
• In his autobiographical novel Junior, former child-star Macauley Culkin confesses to thoughts of suicide. If we were constantly fighting off bungling burgulars, we'd be suicidal, too. [R&M]
• Jessica Simpson drops a grand on cartoon art that reads like something you'd buy in Times Square. [Page Six]
• Universal Music might have reached the end of its rope with devilish exec Tommy Mottola. If so, does this mean he might disappear forever? Please? [Gatecrasher]
• We can't decide if Newark's would-be mayor Cory Booker is hot or not. [Lowdown]