Last week, Page Six ran the following blind item:

"Stimulants like Ritalin lead a small number of children to suffer hallucinations that usually feature insects, snakes or worms, according to federal drug officials, and a panel of experts said on Wednesday that physicians and parents needed to be warned of the risk."

We certainly hope you haven't forgotten young Julia Diaco, the New Jersey rich girl who was busted in April of 2004 for dealing drugs to her classmates from her freshman dorm room at NYU (a smart businesswoman knows there's less overhead if you do it from home). The young entrepreneur and savior of many a self-medicating student was facing up to 25 years in jail after originally pleading guilty, but after completing 18 months of rehab she has been permitted to cop to lesser charges, which got her 5 years on probation.

Why are New York's drug delivery services so... uncreative? In California, the DEA just busted a bunch of dealers who had been distributing a clever line of Marijuana-infused candy bars and beverages. The brands available for purchase: Toka-Cola, Pot Tarts, Puff-A-Mint Pattie, Stoney Ranchers, Munchy Way, and Buddahfinger.

Roving reporter Bucky Turco — who else? — provides us with photographic evidence not just that there are freebie Posts today but also of the ad on those freeibie Posts. And, frankly, we're shocked shocked that rightwing Rupe would print such a thing:

We understand that Ambien is also linked to long late-night conversations about how fucking cool it would be to just, like, quit our jobs and buy an old car and just hit the road, man, you know, drive across the country, meeting people, seeing the world, getting away from all this bullshit. Yeah, that's what we really should — sorry, what were we talking about again?

• Bruce Willis, who seems to think he's an expert on everything these days, likens the Colombian drug trade to terrorism. Put your nose where your mouth is, homeboy. [Scoop]

• Uma Thurman and petit hotelier Andre Balazs have parted ways; no more free rooms at the Mercer for her, we're afraid. Like she cares. [Page Six]

• In a display at their Barneys boutique, stationery company Mrs. John L. Strong is showing off actual stationery from A-list clients, including the addresses of Ann Curry, Lauren DuPont, and the Osbournes. Money can't buy class, but it can sell you out. [Lowdown]

• A Boston restuarant refuses to serve alcohol to teen actress Amanda Bynes. Poor Bynes; if only she had remembered to wear her Lohan costume, she could've gotten suitably wasted. [Page Six]

• Now that Millenium owns Reebok Sports Club/NY, only the prettiest employees are visible to customers. It ensures better weight loss results, really. [R&M]

• A very special collection of letters to the editor regarding the Village Voice's grounded houseboy Nick Sylvester. Dismay isn't quite the word to cover public sentiment. [VV]
• We hear that Democratic gubernatorial candidate Tom Suozzi has hired former New York Press editor Harry Siegal as his policy director. Siegal saved the Press, so maybe he can — er, nevermind.
• The House & Home section at the Times gets an extreme makeover, kind of. [Architect's Newspaper]
• More on Kate Moss' totally unexciting drug use from 1998: She traveled with her stash in a Faberg egg. The woman is nothing if not classy. [This Is London]
• Writing about how Matt Haber wrote something that you actually wrote two years prior is deliciously meta. [FishbowlNY]
• MySpace: the movie. [Big Shiny Thing]
• Yanni is arrested for domestic abuse. Being forced to watch his Live at the Acropolis VHS during our junior high music classes, we can't help but feel relieved that he's off the streets. [CNN]
• Twee music is fine. Twee comics, not so much. Fine by us — too much twee and comic geeks in this world, anyhow. [Salon]

• The latest in the Times' ever-growing stable of blogs is Wall Street and financial blog DealBook, edited by Andrew Ross Sorkin. We imagine that when Gawker alum Elizabeth Spiers gets her similar venture, Dealbreaker, up and running, these two will spend the spring mudwrestling one another. Kinda hot, no? [DealBook]
• Before you get all wet and saucy at the prospect of more pictures of Kate Moss blowing rails, keep in mind that these ones are from 1998 or so. And really, once you've seen her hoover one, you've seen her hoover them all. [Sun UK]
• Win yourself a free meal on 71 Clinton's last night of service. All you have to do is come up with the best answer to how you would spend $250 on food and drinks, in a single night, on the Lower East Side. If you want to win, we suggest refraining from mentioning Welcome to the Johnson's. [Eater]
• WASPdate continues to thrive, lending its support to plaid pants-wearing whiteys everywhere. [AM New York]
• New York mag puts out its Best of New York issue, and yet the "Best Way to Get on a Hipster Photo Website" strikes us as the worst of our fair city. [NYM]
• Frank Bruni gets highly philosophical on the issue of whether or not a restaurant should be re-reviewed. How one man puts so much thought into the star system, we'll never know. But bless him for all that he does. [Diner's Journal]

Aside from the unfortunate coincidence that Reese Witherspoon is a mother with two kids, Tatler forces you to realize just how far our glossies have fallen behind. While Seventeen pieces together a ho-hum interview with Dina Lohan, Tatler gets to the point with a cover story on "mothers who do coke with their kids." Really, isn't this exactly why the British press is so much better than ours? Now, if they could only keep our American actresses straight — this is clearly a Lindsay Lohan issue, not a Reese one — they'd be perfect.

• Rapper Lil' Kim, who's been serving time since September for perjury, is finding prison to be more tough than she expected: Her gargantuan breast implants are leaking. That's some definite street cred right there. [R&M]
• Times reporter Warren St. John sells the movie rights to his articles uncovering the J.T. Leroy hoax for Harvey Weinstein. Expect New York mag, which explored the hoax before St. John made the ultimate declaration, to spontaneously combust with anger. [Page Six]
• Bonnie Fuller has invited Courtney Cox to shadow the AMI beast around the office for a day; Cox is preparing for her upcoming sitcom roll as a tabloid queen who magically aborts celebrities' babies. [Lowdown (last item)]
• Divorce is hard enough; divorce when you have a thing for trannies is even worse. [Page Six]
• If cracky singer Whitney Houston is indeed pregnant, Child Protective Services should probably start preparing now. [Scoop]

• Back to the future: post-coke supermodel Kate Moss is being considered for an upcoming campaign for Calvin Klein, the label that launched her to fame in the halcyon 90's. Meanwhile, Burberry — which originally dropped the model immediately after her scandal — is rumored to have made Moss another offer. It's amazing what drug abuse can do for your career. Hoover now or be left behind! [Page Six]
• High-res Lohan coke-nose. [SFF]
• High-res Lohan nipple. [WWTDD]
• Brad Pitt and Vince Vaughn are so offended by Showbiz Show host David Spade's "hardcore" humor about their love lives, they've both threatened Spade. Coincidentally, isn't that show premiering soon? Gosh, Spade is such a bad-ass, we'll have to watch it now. [R&M]
• Nick Lachey makes the ultimate financial comeback, snagging half a million for a Gunnar Peterson infomercial. Jessica must be so jealous. [Page Six]
• Jane Fonda, Ted Turner, threesome, video camera... and then we lost consciousness. [Lowdown]
• Another fake Paris Hilton hits the wires, as if the real one weren't enough. [Scoop]

• Now that we're certain British crackhead Pete Doherty is a real person, we can fully appreciate his latest arrest for car theft. Oh, don't worry — he was charged with possession, too. He wouldn't drop the ball and let you down like that. [BBC]
• Funny how a handful of the featured artists at the Whitney Biennial are with or have shown at the Perry Rubenstein Gallery. Funny how Sylvia Chivaratanond, who works at the gallery, is partners with Biennial co-curator Philippe Vergne. [Anonymous Female Artist]
• Think about it: You've lost your home, your city, perhaps even your loved ones. The last thing a Katrina victim wants is an afternoon shopping with Britney Spears. [AP]
• There is no line between a normal New Yorker and an actual bad person. They're one in the same, you fucking twit. Now move. [Logged Hours]
• Stars nowadays suck. [Ad Age]
• Bad news for Broadway, as casting for the musical version of Legally Blonde is requesting "Abercrombie & Fitch fraternity and sorority types." [NewYorkology]
• Life ain't easy when you're Mark the Cobrasnake. You have to, like, wear visors and stuff, even when you don't feel like it. [Vulture Droppings]
• More headline laziness. Why not be creative? We're thinking more like "Mrs. Smith Sucks Off Washington." [Gilded Moose]

• Time for another Fake Writer to emerge... How about Dan Brown, the far-too-rich author of The Da Vinci code? Two London writers are suing Random House over allegations that Brown's novel lifts key elements from their 1982 book — just in time for the movie, no less. [MSNBC]
• A tip of the hat to pop star George Michael, who was arrested in London this weekend after authorities found him parked outside of Hyde Park, high as a kite. Oh, how far we fall from the halcyon days of bathroom masturbation. [Rolling Stone]
• More on Caligula and the awesome perv behind it all. [Artforum]
• Malcolm Gladwell blogs, signifying the medium's tipping point (ba-dum-dum). [Gladwell]
• Artist Neil Goldberg captured the expressions on subway-riding New Yorkers' faces at the exact moment when they realized they'd missed the train. It's depressing enough to make you stick to cabs. [Encyclopedia Hanasiana]
• Speaking of which, Melissa Plaut — the voice behind the delightful cab-driver blog New York Hack — gets her big coming out party in the Washington Post. Not too shabby. [WaPo]

The complete script of a new Partnership for a Drug-Free America ad we saw for the first time during The Simpsons last night:

• London papers cater to their demos. [BigShinyThing]
• If you're so lucky as to have a lover this Valentine's Day, remember: He spent last night cheating on you. [WSJ]
• Stoners fight for the right to, uh, be stoned: Free the Cartoon Network, dude. [SetCartoonFree]
• Big dick wants to shoot you in the face, give you a heart attack, and hit you up for some more contributions before you die. [Craigslist]
• Crisis: the Fashion Killers show has been cancelled! Could Laura Albert not find someone to play celebrity DJ and Fake Writer JT Leroy in time? Not exactly — we hear Knoop was at the show last night, though not in her Leroy costume. [Fashion Killers]
• Downtown softcore parties Rated X and Hot Fuckin' Pink might be a bit too pervy for the owners of Scenic. Poor Gawker paparazzo Nikola Tamindzic may have to shoot pornography elsewhere. [VV]

• Lindsay Lohan and mother Dina bond by watching naked women slut it up in the Hotel Gansevoort's hot tub. All tuckered out from that maternal quality time, Lohan took frequent trips to the bathroom with Nicky Hilton. Just another Monday afternoon, we're sure. [Lowdown (last item)]
• Billionaire and professional divorcé Ron Perelman has allegedly been pursuing a lookalike of estranged wife Ellen Barkin (but, of course, the new version is younger), which is making Barkin behave like a rabid dog. [Page Six]
• Unfortunately, Brian Quintanta — the man who scored a restraining order against Paris Hilton — might be the only person on earth who lies more than the heiress herself. [R&M]
• Brangelina rents a highly-secure apartment in Paris to hold them over while they search for a proper sex fortress in the South of France. [Page Six]
• PETA takes aim at VP Dick Cheney, who just shot his hunting buddy. Republican cronies deserve to be ethically treated, too? [Scoop]
• Shannen Doherty, who cares little for "right of way" or some such garbage, slams her Range Rover into a civilian's car. First Brandon crashes his racecar, and now Brenda does this. It's been a rough couple of seasons. [TMZ]

• Meet Tony Danza's daughter, 18-year-old Katie. Katie's a Delta Gamma at the University of Miami. She loves Lindsay Lohan, shoes, the color pink, and building massive gravity bongs. On the bright side, this is the sort of exposure Tony Danza just can't buy. [Ignore Mag]
• You know things are looking down for Fake Writer JT Leroy when he/she/it asks Courtney Love for help finding a literary agent. [Gatecrasher]
• Jamie Foxx cuts Mary J. Blige's solo from his debut album; we're still trying to understand why, exactly, Jamie Foxx even has an album. [Lowdown]
• The newly, uh, pudgy Janet Jackson has been ordered by her record label to lose weight. Virgin refuses to release her latest album unless she drops at least 20 pouds, and they've hired her a personal trainer. Apparently, it's hard to market a corpulent pop star. [Page Six]
• Someday, Ron Perelman and Ellen Barkin will settle their divorce, and then we can judge how much she got by whatever piece of property she buys next. [R&M (2nd item)]
• One last gasp from Fashion Week: IMG security men remove veteran Times photog Bill Cunningham from Betsey Johnson's show. Johnson's pissed, but not as pissed, we're guessing, as Guy Trebay and the Styles posse. [Page Six]
• In a Valentine's Day special from hell, Dr. Phil helps Paula Abdul find love — though she allegedly already has a boyfriend. Wonder how he feels about that. [Scoop]

• Britney Spears claims that she drove with her infant son in her lap because the paparazzi made her do it. You see, they asked her to pose as such, and offered her $5, and she just couldn't resist. [R&M]
• Paris Hilton's testimony helps put away the man who burgularized and abused Girls Gone Wild perv Joe Francis. Poor Paris, always fighting for the wrong team. [Page Six]
• In other Paris-legal news, some poor soul has gotten a restraining order against the heiress, lest she stab him with her stiletto. [TMZ]
• Our favorite perv Vincent Gallo took to selling not only his sperm on eBay, but also his flesh. $50K was the starting bid for a night of Gallo pleasure but, alas, no one was syphilic enough to consider bidding. [Lowdown]
• Robin Byrd, Lizzie Grubman — there's less of a difference than you think. [Page Six]
• Everyone's favorite "rehab" expert, Kate Moss, counsels everyone's favorite penis, Colin Farrell, on staying "sober." [Contact Music]

It's hard not to hate Dina Lohan, the perpetually tanned and fluffed mother of troubled starlet Lindsay. Maybe it's her denial of reality that makes us want to smack her: