The Apprentice executive producer Mark Burnett found himself in a quite a pinch. Yes, he'd promised a bored Donald Trump that he'd finally let him experiment with a nontraditional method of dismissing inadequate candidates, but Martha Stewart's struggling series really needed something fresh and daring to make a last-ditch grab for new viewers. Burnett knew in his gut (he'd always followed his gut—always) that Stewart's lackluster catchphrase, "You just don't fit in," would acquire a heightened poignancy if delivered after the homemaker diva vigorously tossed a downsized Apprentice's salad, an exciting, filthy version of Michael Corleone's kiss of doomed Fredo. The Donald would have to settle for a special two-hour "rusty trombone" edition of his show during sweeps. He'd understand; Burnett and Trump, savvy businessmen both, know that the keys to success are compromise and teamwork.

In the November issue of Glamour, Bungalow 8 madam Amy Sacco weighs in on the Dos and Don ts of Ruling the Night (the Dos and Don ts of Ruining Chelsea must be in the December issue):

We've been away for a couple of days, blissfully unaware of the recent celebrity decouplings, but bear with us as we take a quick inventory: Kenny "'Fraud' Means Exactly What You Think It Means" Chesney and Renee Zellweger, annulling. Tori Spelling and that guy, divorcing. Two very pretty people from a WB show we've never seen, but whom were married for about ten minutes, separating. And in what we're sure will make for a terribly poignant thirty second segment on E!'s 50 Least Consequential Semi-Celebrity Divorce Filings, Kathy Griffin and her much-suffering husband are calling it quits. Are we caught up yet? Clearly, God is punishing us for taking time off (we're having flashbacks of the time we took a shower and missed the announcement about the Brad and Jen split); we expect that if we take a lunch hour today, He will test us by sending down a frog-storm of news of life-changing importance, perhaps about how Donald Trump's sperm is still motile. What? Oh, shit.

Look outside, Manhattan; is it not positively gorgeous outside? It's a beautiful, innocent fall day — MARRED BY TRAGEDY. Sound familiar? It should. Donald Trump has managed to ejaculate, yet again, in the womb of a beautiful woman. And today's Post insensitively reports the "happy news," as if we're to celebrate the impregnation of Melania Knauss, as if the spreading of that man's bombastic seed is a good thing?

· Finally discovering an environment even more hospitable to the wooden reading of badly written lines than the Apprentice boardroom, Donald Trump signs up for a guest-starring role on Days of Our Lives. In a real test of his dramatic range, he'll play a real-estate mogul who insists that his ridiculous looking hairpiece is actually his own hair and that his model wife married him for love.
· Finally, a way to let the world know about your little penis once you get out of the Hummer. [via Boing Boing]
· We were going to link to this yesterday, but didn't get around to it. Here you go, but click only if you have a higher than normal tolerance for Phyllis Diller-related sexual situations.
· Sometimes the police blotter is a handy way of keeping track of whether your favorite D-listers of years past are still alive.
· What's in the Friends mystery box being auctioned off on eBay? Let's just say that the winning bid might find himself the proud owner of Matthew Perry's career.
· Shame a petty jackass while helping the victims of Katrina!

We're New Yorkers; we have enough guilt already.

After none of his personal favorites from the casting process for the third installment of The Apprentice made it through to the show, Donald Trump spent the entire season unhappy with the cast, a prisoner of his own fake boardroom. This season, however, Trump seized control, and the new lineup of Armani-clad firing fodder will reflect The Donald's predictable exquisite taste. From the NY Times:

• This might be the best waste of time we've seen in the past 10 minutes: Behind the scenes of The Apprentice, as depicted by a chronic misspeller with a doll fetish. [Debbie C.B.'s NYC]
• So Vikram Chatwal's Dream Hotel isn't exactly somewhere you'd want to stay. But maybe his next venture, the Night Hotel, won't smell like sour milk. [HotelChatter]
• We're not sure what to think of the fellow who described the chaos of 9/11 as "kind of like a discotheque." [NYT]
• Congrats to our little Oddjack for securing AJ Benza on staff and bringing things to a whole new level of offense. [Oddjack]
• Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham has never read a book in her entire life. We're not surprised to learn this, although we are surprised her publicist let her utter such a thing. [omg!!!]

• CNN's American Morning moving from street-level studio to CNN newsroom, leaving Midwestern tourists with a mere four street-level morning shows in Midtown to flock to. [NYDN]
• Finally, a prosecutor decides against subpoenaing a Times reporter. [Miami Herald]
• The Wen Ho Lee case against the Times and others, however, continues. And could be much worse for journalists. [Boston Phoenix]
• Rumor has it a Times reporter is skulking around Philadelphia, looking for sources on a "sixth borough" story. Anyone know Jenny 8.'s whereabouts? [Philebrity, third item]
• Now Trump's blogging, too. Is the shark finally jumped? [TechWeb]
• Apparently we're not making sweet love to anyone at Page Six. (We're not? That was all so long ago that at this point, we've forgotten the details.) In other breaking news, it seems we work in our pajamas and like cheap drinks. Who knew? [RS]

Click to enlarge and seethe.

We're figuring that the more filthy souls amongst you are aware of the following, but Gawker would be seriously remiss if we didn't directly present you with the alleged nude pictorial of Donald Trump's latest wife, Melania Knauss. (Also, it's Friday, so we'll post almost anything.)

Hey, did you hear about the biggest residential real estate sale in the history of New York? Donald Trump sold three buildings for $1.8 billion. What have you done today?

· As if Las Vegas weren't garish enough, Donald Trump's new 64-story Trump Hotel and Tower will have some competition from his ex-wife Ivana, whose aptly-named Ivana condos will rise just a smidgen higher at 73 stories. [R&M]
· Law & Order rapper Ice-T is allegedly serviced by two woman under a table at NA. Don't worry, one of the mouths belonged to his wife. [Lowdown]
· American Idol winner Carrie Underwood is a vegetarian, thus making this entire franchise the most boring thing on earth. [Scoop]
· Kathy Griffin slams her opthamologist Dr. Robert Maloney, claiming he botched her LASIK surgery. Griffin's colleagues — like Barry Manilow — have come to Maloney's defense. Both D-Listers are so talented, we don't know who to believe. [Page Six]

You know, the problem with business schools has always been that they teach you how to run a successful business. Thank God someone knows that true business acumen is really about media ubiquity, and not so much that whole making a profit thing.

Yesterday we reported on Donald Trump s finances. Per usual, we totally missed the real story. That story being: Trump confirms he is an Ass of the Highest Order (and we love him for it). Also, he sounds somewhat serious* about wanting to rebuild the WTC. Quoth The Donald:

Speaking of sending hate mail about our Radar blather, please feel free to include other suggestions for our Adderall-deprived skulls. In particular, we enjoy missives filled with libel, half-truths, and full-on-lies. (Or perhaps one that is completely true, but requires, uh, reporting.) A good example comes from a tipster who seems to have had enough of Maer's magazine:

C'mon boys, let's keep this a clean fight. Wash your hands and go to your corners.—MG

Give a girl an inch and she'll take your iPod. The 17-year-old daughter of actress Dianne Wiest (former D.A. on "Law & Order," at right) was arrested yesterday for taking part in some hot girl-on-boy action. Hey, life is random. —MG

· Was Donald Trump, Jr.'s fiancée Vanessa Haydon romantic involvement with a Latin King gang member a youthful folly, or was Vanessa a "total gangster bitch?" And couldn't the Trumps use some street cred? [Page Six]
· Eliot Spitzer and Al Sharpton pay overly-close attention to Denzel Washington in Julius Caesar, no doubt brushing up on political tricks and iambic pentameter. [Gatecrasher]
· Celebrity "healer" Laura Day is allowing CAA agent Kevin Huvane and Chelsea-destroyer Amy Sacco to host a birthday party for her son's 13th birthday. And if that's not offensive enough, the celebration will be held at Bungalow 8. You, in the meantime, are (or will be) a terrible parent. [ELK]
· The publisher of the Jersey Observer has a problem with copying other people's work for her own column. [Lowdown]
· Sony Pictures Chairwoman Amy Pascal and her hubby, Times alum Bernie Weinraub, are rejected for membership at LA's tony Jonathan Club. Perhaps University Club will take in these poor, club-less souls? [R&M]

Last week, the guttersnipes on The Apprentice were asked to make competing television commercials for some sort of new Dove body wash; it should come as no surprise that the resulting advertisements were spectacularly shitty. Dove, however, is not content with letting their product placement end on a sour note: