• Oprah gives Dave biggest audience in a decade. [Newsday]
• Kurt Andersen wonders: Whither Harper's sans Lapham? [NYM]
• The Week, says Jon Friedman, is "Godfather of the Blogosphere — or the first blogazine." And it just wants to be loved. [MW]
• Today is Viacom's first day as two companies — one high-growth, one low-growth. Sorry, CBS and friends. [WSJ]
• Did Trump hire a P.I. to dig up dirt on authorized biographer? Who knows. [NYM]
• Greg Lindsay, who knows of what he speaks on such matters, fears for the future of airline magazines. [MB]

No sooner had we adjusted to the thought of a brave, new nightlife landscape where the words "Open Bar 10-11 p.m. sponsored by Trump Vodka" flowed as freely as barrel-bottom potato-vinegar from a goat-legged bottle, comes yet more Donald Trump news: the Apprentice is heading to LA.

• Prepare your feeble gullets and blue-collar livers for the triumphant glory of Trump: The Booze: The Poster! [Defamer]
• Times Boldfacer Campbell Robertson does his best to grapple with the disintegration of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey's marriage, especially since Simpson told Boldface in September that her marriage was solid. Don't take it personally, but, yes, honey, she lied to you. She lied to all of us. [NYT]
• Actor Ralph Fiennes considers suing the Post after a Page Six item claimed he was "canoodling" with Gina Gershon at a recent rock show. Since we got that same press release from the venue and "canoodling" was nowhere in the original item, we'd have to venture that some Posties may be guilty as charged. [LA.com]
• Perplexed over the appropriate holiday gift for someone you've just started dating? Don't be — everyone loves Christmas anal. [NY Sun]
• Finally, a Thrillist suggestion we can get behind: feed the fratboys poisonous fish. [Thrillist]

Our earlier lamentation about our meager Photoshop skills inspired this reader-submitted act of charity, which takes our nod to classical bacchanalia and incorporates Trump's well-publicized satyrical bent, creating a radical—yet pleasantly pastoral—branding experience unprecedented in the super premium vodka space.

Say what you will about Trump Ice, reality television impresario/real-estate dabbler Donald Trump's foray into the bottled water market, but it was exceedingly hard to get wasted drinking it. Never one to let a branding concept languish unactualized, The Donald (and, you know, the people who will actually make the stuff) is proud to announce Trump Super Premium Vodka, the top-shelf liquor with the predictably humble name:

As Damon Dash, Robert Popov, and Gary Smirnoff all know, your money ain't a thing until you've got your own brand of vodka. Donald Trump, determined to keep his seat on the Playa-Fantastic Bandwagon, has finally accepted this universal truth and, through some sort of partnership with Drinks Americas, his alcoholic dreams have become reality. Says the Donald:

• Star Jones continues her reign of freebie terror! A rep for the View co-host allegedly called the Cornelia Day Spa, attempting to secure free services for Star and husband Al Reynolds in exchange for a fluffy mention in OK! magazine. Cornelia declined, seeing as an OK! feature really won't help much of anyone. [Lowdown]
• Tired of mistreating and misplacing just her Chihuahua, Paris Hilton has obtained a monkey named Baby Luv, which was seen scratching and clawing at Hilton's face during a shopping trip. Obviously, we luv Baby Luv. [Page Six]
• How to explain Tara Reid's mature behavior at her own birthday celebration? Her mother kept watch. [Scoop]
• Donald Trump, Jr. writes his own vows for his wedding to Vanessa Haydon, assuring her "all my earthly goods I shall forever share with you." Dude, Dad's gonna be pissed. [Page Six]
• Former Jersey governer Jim McGreevey hits Out magazine's 100 party, confirming that he's not just gay, but Gay. [R&M]

• The contestants on this season of Donald Trump's Apprentice have been threatened with "severe consequences" if they violate non-disclosure agreements. Frankly, we can't imagine a consequence more severe than simply appearing on the show, but we're sure Trump and Mark Burnett will cook up something pervy. [Lowdown]
• Jessica Simpson fears that younger sister Ashlee will either party herself into serious trouble, or burn down the house while microwaving popcorn. [Page Six]
• Did People executive editor Peter Castro get passed over for the top job at TV Guide because Rupert Murdoch doesn't like the ethnic flavor? [Gatecrasher]
• Larry David's summer home on Martha's Vineyard becomes an epicenter of yuppie controversy, as contractors destroy protected vegetation to create a giant fire pit, barbeque, and stage area. David, being an environmentalist, blames his lawyer. [Page Six]
• The wise handlers for former President Bill Clinton won't allow the liberal ladykiller to be photographed alone with model Petra Nemcova. Pity, we really wanted to see him offer her some post-tsunami comfort. [R&M]
• Michael Jackson thanks his fans for sticking with him while he drunkenly shared his bed with young boys. [Scoop]

We were so happy for Donald Trump after reading the Times wedding announcements this weekend. Not so much because his son Donald Jr. got married — it's a nice thing, sure, but in that family a new bride is nice only the same way a new car is — but rather because of what the announcement allowed us to learn about young Donnie. To wit: He's 27, and already he has married his first model and also obtained a thoroughly ridiculous head of hair.

Defamer is committed to providing a forum in which reality television contestants can air their grievances against Donald Trump, Mark Burnett, and the editors who conspire to make the public believe that they are yo-yo-obsessed incompetents. After pleading his case to NY Daily News JV gossip Lloyd Grove yesterday, fired Apprentice contestant Mark "Markus" Garrison proves once again that he will defend himself to anyone who will listen by e-mailing us. (Desperate times, desperate measures, etc etc.) Writes Garrison:

• Paris Hilton finally has a bad week: Boyfriend Starvos Niarchos plows her Bentley into a truck, prompting the LAPD to acknowledge the fact that everyone drives drunk out there; she's been subpoenaed as a witness in the criminal case against Girls Gone Wild guru Joe Francis's kidnapper; and she's being clearly eviscerated in former BFF Nicole Richie's new novel (more on that comedy later). But don't feel sorry for Paris — we're certain she'll find a way to turn a profit off of all the mess. [R&M]
• And while she suffers, Paris copes by prank-calling Nicole Richie every night. [Scoop]
• Actor Heath Ledger reportedly forked over $3.5 million for the Boerum Hill brownstone he shares with his fiancée Michelle Williams and their newborn baby Matilda. Neighbors claim the couple has been "rude" and don't acknowledge anyone, but did those neighbors ever think to bring Heath and Michelle some Welcome Casserole? [Page Six]
• Lawyers for His Absurdness Donald Trump have demanded a full recall of Timothy O'Brien's expos TrumpNation, as well as a public correction and apology. Demands are precious, but ineffective. Let's see some blood, instead. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Maureen Dowd hasn't had Botox; she just stays wrinkle-free by refusing to allow facial movements. [Page Six]

One might argue that anyone not smart enough to realize that signing up for a reality show is tantamount to waiving one's Constitutional right not to look like an asshole on television is barely competent enough to wrangle wayward shopping carts in the Ralphs parking lot, much less serve under Donald Trump in the ceremonial capacity awarded to Apprentice winners. Staring down the manicure on The Donald's Downsizing Pinky of Death stirs something in a dismissed candidate's soul, however, and compels boardroom chaff to whine about their depiction:

· Care Bear John Lesher leaves Endeavor to run Paramount Classics, hoping what he lacks in experience he can make up for in hugs.
· Ashlee Simpson earns her Doctorate in Public Asshology at a Toronto McDonald's.
· Yo, Trop: You got served! (With a lawsuit claiming racism.) Yo, Omar Sharif: Ditto!
· Warner Bros. lets the pink slips fly on Big Harry Potter Payday Eve.
· Brad Pitt and George Clooney have reportedly bought themselves a little gay bar to call their own, which they subsequently deny, deny, deny.
· A truly frightening Halloween: Bunny Paris hops over to the Playboy Mansion with various things stuck to her ass, as does Jeremy Piven, who also makes an appearance at Rick Rubin's bash dressed as a Bruce Lee with a black-belt in satisfyin' the ladies [SFX: Gong].
· Donald Trump's frank sex-talk causes the Great Baby Draught of 2006.
· Cameron Diaz insists acting-deficient boyfriend Justin Timberlake get a pivotal voice-over role in Shrek 3, causing DreamWorks' Jeffrey Katzenberg to plan a hit.

We are still piecing together what transpired on The Apprentice: Donald last night, but from what we can tell, NBC's search for the next great industrialist has devolved into a contest that might more appropriately be named The Pervy Bigot.

• In new VF, producer Mary Mapes tells her side of Memogate. We can't bring ourselves to read it; perhaps you can. [VF (pdf)]
• In war over unauthorized Donald Trump bio, author calls subject a cartoon character; Trump replies by proving the point. [NYP]
• CBS News White House reporter John Roberts didn't really mean any sexual innuendo when he called Judge Sam Alito "sloppy seconds." We never would have figured that out if Public Eye didn't get to the bottom of it for us. [Public Eye]
• Reader's Digest chairman and CEO retires, looks forward to actually being old enough to read the magazine. [Folio:]
• Steve Case finally leaves TWX board; even so, stock still trading in upper teens. [AP via NYT]
• "Jeff Gannon" reappears, now as a columnist in the gay press. Shockingly, some gays react bitchily. [E&P]

· Our pals at TVGasm have collected some predictably horrifying (but still magical) clips from last night's debut of But Can They Sing? For a sneak preview of the last noise you'll hear when your soul slips out of your body for good, listen to Bai Ling's rendition of "Like a Virgin."
· Maddox Jolie is also an excellent last-minute costume idea, as long as you're willing to live with a mohawk for a couple of weeks.
· So Martha's all, "Fuck the Donald, I'm taking over the whole franchise," but Trump goes, "Hey, low-rated cookie-baking beeyotch, you can bite my doily, I ain't going nowhere." You know, to paraphrase.
· Baldwin, Basinger wage heated battle for control of Ireland.
· Geraldo Rivera owns a DVD of Soul Plane. More shocking: He actually paid for it.

· Welcome to Mollywood.
· LA Observed makes a very good point!
· Paris Hilton may flap her ass all the way to London: She s had enough of New York and L.A....She s moved around too much lately and feels that she could really settle in London. She s especially fond of Chelsea. Yay for us! Pray for them.
· Gee, while we're slaving away over here, we're glad Mark and the rest of the Gawkeroos are having a grand ol' boozy time.
· Donald Trump is on a rampage. Mass firing his Apprentice candidates. Blasting the New York Times. We have a little theory: he's going through the male change.

Quick quiz: This pic is either Dakota Fanning's attempt to a) demonstrate that she's actually human, or b) show off her favorite piece from her torture chamber. Hint: There's not necessarily just one correct answer.
· Now that's commitment: George Clooney gains 38 lbs, bruises brain for Syriana. Let's see that pussy De Niro try and leak spinal fluid from his nose.
· We suppose it depends on what your definition of acquaintance is.
· Model Zeta Graff sues Paris Hilton for slander for allegedly placing an item in Page Six...hey, did you hear that? Yeah, that was the sound of us warming up the toaster we're about to toss in the bathtub. There's only so much we can take in a day where we've pondered Hilton's assflaps.
· Donald Trump reportedly earns $25,000 per minute for a lecture, whether or not everyone in the audience tunes out after the 50th time he uses the word "great" to describe one of his pursuits.

· Wow, now that you mention it, it kinda does look like Halle Berry has six toes. Once again, Berry establishes an almost unattainable ideal of physical perfection.
· The LAT's Richard Rushfield blogs the Hollywood Film Festival's premiere of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and discovers that no one should ever leave Val Kilmer and Robert Downey, Jr. in front of an audience without adult supervision.
· Trump: Martha Stewart is making my show bite the doily. Guess the salad-tossing experiment isn't working out quite as well as they'd hoped.
· When you get bored of watching Desperate Housewives on that tiny iPod screen, you can always look at naked chicks with lots of tattoos.
· Lindsay Lohan's a busy girl, what with the change of hair color and the 5 ayem trips to 7-11 to sit on the floor and read her bad press. Where does she find the energy?

• Actress Rose McGowan got into a Tuesday-night tussle after exchanging words with a security guard. Funny, this version of events has nothing to do with the key-bombing tragicomedy we heard about. [Page Six]
• America's Favorite Maligned Sweetheart Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn are, according to the celebrity weeklies, officially a couple. Vinifer? Jence? It just doesn't seem right to us. [R&M]
• Madonna dips her fantastic fingers into the UN, giving us hope that Angelina Jolie will be knocked off her pedestal and go back to making Brad Pitt's babies. [Scoop]
• Overpaid Yankee Alex Rodriguez mourns the death of an uncle by playing poorly and getting loaded at Cain. [Lowdown]
• Bombaster Donald Trump bombastically puts his Palm Beach estate for sale, priced at a record-setting, bombastic $125 million. [Page Six]