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• Paris Hilton finally has a bad week: Boyfriend Starvos Niarchos plows her Bentley into a truck, prompting the LAPD to acknowledge the fact that everyone drives drunk out there; she's been subpoenaed as a witness in the criminal case against Girls Gone Wild guru Joe Francis's kidnapper; and she's being clearly eviscerated in former BFF Nicole Richie's new novel (more on that comedy later). But don't feel sorry for Paris — we're certain she'll find a way to turn a profit off of all the mess. [R&M]
• And while she suffers, Paris copes by prank-calling Nicole Richie every night. [Scoop]
• Actor Heath Ledger reportedly forked over $3.5 million for the Boerum Hill brownstone he shares with his fiancée Michelle Williams and their newborn baby Matilda. Neighbors claim the couple has been "rude" and don't acknowledge anyone, but did those neighbors ever think to bring Heath and Michelle some Welcome Casserole? [Page Six]
• Lawyers for His Absurdness Donald Trump have demanded a full recall of Timothy O'Brien's expos TrumpNation, as well as a public correction and apology. Demands are precious, but ineffective. Let's see some blood, instead. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Maureen Dowd hasn't had Botox; she just stays wrinkle-free by refusing to allow facial movements. [Page Six]