Is there anything more delightful than a publicity firm "leaking" you "news" in the form of a pre-written unsourced item? Only when the faux-news involves the intrafamilial goings-on of Donald "If she wasn't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her" Trump:
• Early this morning, Melania Knauss crapped out Donald Trump's baby. A reader earlier told us the baby boy will be named Barron William Trump, though we've no confirmation on that. What we do know, however, is that if Barron weren't Donald Trump's son, the Donald would probably be dating him. [Gothamist]
• Any man who calls himself a "cougar" deserves to be shot. [NYP]
• There seems to be a blog for everything, so why not one dedicated to the ugly couches for sale on Craigslist? [Revolting Sofas]
• All those people waiting in line for Trader Joe's, and they're not even selling booze yet. Fools. [Consumerist]
• Whether you feel it or not, spring has sprung. Or so sayeth Shake Shack, which reopened today. [Eater]
• David Brooks, revisionist of his own history. [Radosh]
• It's a particularly choice day for Drudge: At the time of this writing, he's got Buddha Boy, freak weather, baby monkeys, and a deformed lamb up on his site. It's like he's revealing his soul. [Drudge]
In a sound-bite that will gleefully be stripped of context and run up the blog-pole for ridicule thousands of times over, Donald Trump told the cackling hens of The View that if he hadn't donated 50 percent of his DNA to daughter Ivanka and thus risked violating the most sacrosanct of all taboos, yeah, he'd hit that:
• Hell freezes over, and Lachlan Murdoch finally puts 11 Spring Street up for sale. He bought the joint for $5.25 million in 2003, intending to turn the former horse stable into a luxury home, but the project stopped there. Now he's selling the property for $14.75. Sigh. We guess this means he really is gone for good. [The Walk-Through]
• Why you shouldn't bother with the cute intern. [Office Pirates]
• Believe it or not, Fox News screamer Bill O'Reilly was once 26. And what a bright young thing he was. [TSG]
• We still totally hate stylist Rachel Zoe. But we'd totally let her dress us. [Guardian]
• Apprentice failures can always go work for the Donald's blog. [Mediabistro]
The spat between Donald Trump and Martha Stewart may be quickly fading from media relevance, but leave it to the Donald to exercise even the smallest platform in order to drown out his naysayers. He's taken the argument to his Trump Blog, where he reiterates his disappointment with Stewart's "ingratitude" regarding her failed version of The Apprentice while reminding readers that his own, wonderfully rated show is now launching into its fifth season. Navel-gazing just like a real blogger — bravo, Donald!
• Diet-pill whore Anna Nicole Smith heads to the Supreme Court today for a hearing regarding her gazillion dollar inheritance case, in which she is fighting for the money she rightfully earned by fucking her ancient, wheelchair-bound husband. In a perfect world, Smith will eschew all legal professionals and argue her case all by herself. Then we could die of happiness. [IMDb]
• Today in Lindsay Lohan's vagina: Wilmer Valderrama, 5:30 AM, Soho Grand. [Page Six]
• P. Diddy, currently in Rio de Janeiro for Carnival, was seen going into a venue known for its budget hookers. It's nice to know that despite his extraordinary wealth, the man still keeps things frugal. [Scoop]
• When it came time to file the divorce papers, did Nick Lachey lie about the date of separation from Jessica Simpson? If it means he could share in an extra $1 million of Simpson's cash, then of course he did. [Media Takeout]
• Lizzie Grubman and fiance Chris Stern are rumored to have their wedding scheduled as soon as the end of the month. Which would be tomorrow, right? [R&M (last item)]
• Because Brad Pitt morphs into his lovers, his latest role is as a United Nations-loving do-gooder. If Kofi Annan loved The Mexican as much as we think he did, Pitt's en route to becoming a Goodwill Ambassador. [Page Six]
• Donald Trump shames a Mar-a-Lago guest into tipping two employees who recovered her $2 million dollar bracelet. [Lowdown (last item)]
After crapping its pants to the tune of $78.8 million in 2005, Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia finally had broke a long-running losing streak with fourth quarter gains of $2.9 million. Ad pages for Martha Stewart Living were up 133% in the fourth quarter; those for Everyday Food were up 30% for all of 2005.
• Winona Ryder was in on the JT Leroy hoax and even concocted a detailed story about how she met Leroy for Vanity Fair's profile of him in 2003. Bitch! You are now officially a Fake Actress, Winona, and we don't care how pixie-cute you are. [Page Six]
• The battle of words and egos between Donald Trump and Martha Stewart continues; now Martha's daughter Alexis is getting involved. The two talked ill of the Donald's derriere and its relation to his silver spoon. [R&M]
• Morrissey the terrorist? Think about it. He's got the perfect cover, but those eyes are dark. Too dark. [Contact Music]
• Some cracknut named Larry Garrison claims to "own" the Natalee Holloway story, but he also claims to be "a journalist, actor, producer, motivational speaker and White House media consultant." So, you know. [Lowdown]
Who hasn't, at one time or another, regretted leaving an irate voicemail, firing off an angry e-mail, or issuing an open letter to the media viciously lambasting a longtime friend for ruining a golden reality show spin-off opportunity? Not Donald Trump, however, in whose universe cooler heads never prevail. The Donald follows up his blisteringly personal attack on Martha Stewart not with a reparative olive branch, but with an interview with Newsweek.com today that quickly turns into yet another ad hominem Martha attack, even more vitriolic than the first:
• Martha Stewart disses Donald Trump when discussing her failed version of The Apprentice; the Donald fires back with an open letter promising a world of pain. Battle of the inflated egos; let's get these two behemoths scheduled for a cage match. [Reuters]
• Morrissey used to love Maureen Dowd — until he found out she ate meat. Maybe that's why she's still single. [True to You]
• As far as we know, New York Times bestselling authors don't really troll Craigslist for ghostwriting gigs. Actually, maybe James Frey does. [Craigslist]
• Mag marketing from hell. [Big and Sharp]
• UK Maxim editor Greg Gutfeld introduces the Huffington Post style guide, Aryan Nation edition. [HuffPo]
Like Godzilla taking sucker swats at Mothra high above the New York skyline as innocent pedestrians run screaming for their lives, Manhattan's two towering media titans, Donald Trump and Martha Stewart, are embroiled in a gigantic public battle over the blame for the failure of her version of The Apprentice. Martha arguably threw down the gardening gloves first, with comments in the current Newsweek stating that she thought Donald was supposed to be fired at the start of her season: "Having two Apprentices was as unfair to him as it was unfair to me. But Donald really wanted to stay on." But it was Trump's open letter response an unleashed torrent of seething resentment that even makes reference to her crimes that elevated it from a good-natured, competitive spat between friends and into the realm of disturbing personal attack. People reprints it in its entirety, but here are some highlights:
• ABC anchor, cameraman show improvement after surgery. [ABCNews.com]
• Ted Koppel is a sucky op-edster, says Jack Shafer. [Slate]
• Even Dave Barry thinks newspapers are dead. [SFChron]
• Daily News TV editors doesn't get Jon Stewart's jokes, care much for the guy, or, it seems, care much for Stewart's fans. What was that, Dave, about newspapers being irrelevant? [NYDN]
• Syd Schanberg has misty water-colored memories of covering Donald Trump. [VV]
• Unsurprisingly, Pinch thinks everything at the Trib is just fabulous. When you're a scion, there is no rain on your parade. [AJR]
• Live like Anna: Vogue Living is on its way. [WWD]
Haven't we all had more than our fair share of Donald Trump? When he's not building something, he's firing someone; when he's not firing someone, he's suing somebody. Sure, he's great as an icon of bad hair and abstract wealth — but that can only support our Trump tolerance for so long. There's no need for Trump University, or Trump Cologne, and certainly no one wants a part of his latest venture, online travel search engine GoTrump. Maybe it's just us, but when we're planning our vacation, we'd rather not be anywhere near his creepy mug.
• Late breaking, but: Behold the bacchanalian realtor horror of the Corcoran Group's holiday party. [BizBash]
• Natasha Lyonne may be back out on the streets, but it doesn't mean she's out of trouble: the cracktress skipped her court date yesterday, presumably because she was out buying 60 lbs of baking soda and some bell jars. [NYP]
• Meg Ryan officially adopts a baby girl from China. She's a mess without her, little China Girl. [Us Weekly]
• A trip to Ikea is stressful enough as is. Taking that trip with your significant other can make for relationship hell. Which is exactly why we'll die old and alone, with furniture made from cardboard boxes. [NY Sun]
• Blackface Jesus explains the blackface; confesses that his Halloween costume was Whiteface Jesus. Of course. [Junk Mag]
• Yesterday on Howard Stern, Alexis Stewart revealed her predilection for fucking the wage laborers. [Howard Stern]
• Billy Joel isn't some little kid, you know. It's time to start calling him "Bill." [NYT]
• How to deal with a porn producer. [JenIsFamous]
• Donald Trump sues the NYT Co. and reporter Timothy L. O'Brien for $5 billion in damages — which should cover, oh, maybe half of Trump's paper losses for the next week. [WSJ]
The word turning heads and circling corners in the state capital around Washington Avenue, State and Upper Swan Streets is that Donald Trump could be the Republican Party's next candidate for governor of New York. Like a tube of Rogaine, let that revelation sink in a bit.
Carpy real-estate diva Barbara Corcoran, with CorcoBot Carrie Chiang and former 'bot Susan Cara-Madden, is suing Donald Trump over $1.3 million in commissions. The trio claims to be owed percentages after introducing Trump to a group of Hong Kong investors who poured $100 million into The Donald's Riverside South and Trump Place projects.
• While public sentiment believes that actress Sienna Miller is patching up her romance with cheating tramp Jude Law, Miller was seen getting "cozy" with Leonardo DiCaprio at Bungalow 8. And as we all know, the walls at B8 never lie. [Scoop]
• Donald Trump stops just short of calling his pregnant wife Melania Knauss a big-titted "monster" on Howard Stern. Like mama said, money can't buy class. [Page Six]
• Danny Bonaduce will pose nude for Vanity Fair — because magazines don't really want to, like, sell copies or anything. [Lowdown]
• Token white rapper Eminem is set to rewed Kim Mathers, the coke-loving mother of his child. We can't wait till they divorce and he writes some more heartfelt songs about locking her in a trunk and killing her. [R&M]
• Jay-Z is being sued by former pro-wrestler Diamond Dallas Page for stealing his gang sign. [Page Six]
We happily start this day with Subservient Donald Trump, pictured above while he was following our orders to "fight." Because we're in the third grade, we actually started by telling him to "poop" — but then he yelled at us.
