The latest installment in Aimee Plumley's not-to-be-missed "Friendster Fiction" series:
"Oh God, that's right," said Gloria, her voice high and righteous. "I forgot about the whole Williamsburg self-serve thing."
"Gloria! Jesus Christ! I ll get you a new one if it s a big deal."
"Relax," said Gloria. "It's fucking Williamsburg, not you. What a joke. These fucking morons think they re so fucking sophisticated with their stupid self-serve coffee bullshit. I bet they think it makes them more free or some shit. Don t you think?"
"More free?" said Clair.
"Seriously, it s like somewhere in Williamsburg there s some fucking jackass hipster king who sits on a bean bag and issues proclamations like, Hear-ye Hear-ye! Oh loser minions of post-industrial, bohemia! From this day forth, all aspects of living in Williamsburg will reflect our liberation from the shackled, rat-race of bourgeoisies Manhattan! And in accordance with these our founding principles all coffee tending shall be SELF-SERVE, to reflect our commitment to freedom for all people, especially the poor Latino immigrant labor so shamelessly exploited to sugar and milk endless cups of coffee! Yay! We re fucking awesome!" she spat. "Fucking losers."
Friendster, Part II - Verb Cafe, Williamsburg [HipstersAreAnnoying]

NY Mag's Simon Dumenco theorizes that NBC's reality makeover series, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, is really just one extended exercise in aggressive product placement, reinforced by the corporate cheerleading around the supposed "metrosexual" trend. ("As Mark Simpson has written of metrosexual icon and $43 million soccer star David Beckham, 'He sucks corporate cock with no gag reflex.'") Which is funny, because if QEFTSG were a magazine about not-so-subtle product placement, it'd probably be this one.
The buysexual agenda [NY Mag]

· Ethan Embry, Friday, August 8, 4:45 p.m. Rolling his eyes at a crazy man with a bicycle, wearing a vintage hat, carrying a skateboard, corner of Great Jones & Lafayette. He's much short than he looks on film, but still cute. Ron Jeremy, Saturday, August 9, 1:30 a.m., sans retinue, looking bemused and somewhat lonesome at Plaid. He's outrageously short.

The New Yoörker's Mary Mörris [Ed.I'm töld that thöse really shöuld be umlauts] discövers Döröthy Dunne, the gössip queen öf Far Röckaway. A typical entry: "Ellen and Lenny Wunder were at the bar at Kennedy's and I was startled when they said they heard Claire Ashtön had died. I assured them immediately this rumör is nöt sö. Sadly, nö öne is allöwed tö see Claire withöut the cönsent öf her attörney whö was handed her guardianship after önly knöwing her a year." All the banality of "Anna in the elevator," but with death. I like it.
Making waves [New Yorker]

The New Yorker tells the moving story of a 15 year old boy who longs to be a professional chef and secures an unpaid job at Aureole chopping things and making sure nothing's burning. Then he meets a girl and quits. Maybe it's something in the LA water, but I smell a teen movie blockbuster! "American Pie" meets "Mostly Martha"! Get me Kutcher's agentthis is hot! [Ed.Alright. I'm not really considering it. But I'm sure someone within a 20 mile radius of me is.]
A comer [New Yorker]

· Michael Imperioli, who plays Christopher Moltisanti on HBO's "The Sopranos" is closing his Chelsea lounge, Ciel Rouge to concentrate on opening a new theater. [NY Daily News]
· Vincent Gallo's assistant called Page Six to inform them that Gallo wanted to take credit for Roger Ebert's recent cancer diagnosis. "Vincent just wanted to let you know that since he put a curse on Roger Ebert, he has gotten cancer." [Ed.Well, while we're at it, I'd like to take credit for Gallo's recurring phone calls to Page Six.] [Page Six]
· City council speaker Gifford Miller may be buttering up journos for a mayoral run. [Page Six]
· Ex-US Weekly editor Bonnie Fuller will be on the Today show this week. Cindy Adams refers to "Sarah Jessica's character in 'The Sopranos.'" [Cindy Adams]

Dear Readers,

· Clay Risen on the Washington Post's new free commuter daily, Express. [The Morning News]
· Q&A with Election author Tom Perrotta [Arriviste Press]
· A glowing review of "Gigli" [Charleston, WV Daily Mail]
· Claire Zulkey interviews Kittenpants doyenne Darci Ratliff. [Zulkey]
·"I Was A 23-Year-Old Mistress" [Knot Magazine]
· StopCanadianChange.com
·A New York baby announces his bid for Governor of California. [Flak Magazine]

The Black Table's Will Leitch walked from his job in Chelsea to his home in Inwood in three hours straight, including a jaunt through the Upper West Side: "Everything on the Upper West Side is a little too precious. There are little Italian-only bookstores, and ceramics bars, and stores selling only novelty strollers. I had barely been back to the Upper West Side since [my girlfriend and I] broke up, and I was reminded why; the Upper West Side makes you feel like you don t bathe often enough, like you re this swarthy minion swooping up from the city s underbelly, lurking in to sully their happy, lily-white pseudo-suburbia. The Upper West Side is a strip mall designed by The New Yorker." 200 Blocks in 2.5 Hours [Black Table]

· Lesbians galore in Amy Blair's The Week In Craig.
· Craig's List, The Movie.

Include:
· "I'm going outside to make out: care to join me?"
· "Look. I hope you won't take this as any sort of 'line,' but there literally is a party in my pants, and you actually are invited. I know how it sounds . . . "
· I walk up to the handsome smoker at the bar and say, "Can I bum a cig?" As they hand it to me...and I'm placing it seductively on my lips, I say, "Why, thank you. I don't smoke, but I wanted something of yours in my mouth!"

1. See The Loser's Lounge tribute to Devo at the Knitting Factory.
2. Go to the Cooper-Hewitt Friday dance party, this week with DJ Thunderball.
3. See Iggy at Jones Beach.

· Gwynnie nicknames her recent flop "View From My Ass." [Page Six]
· Mel Gibson releases a teaser (now mysteriously removed) for "The Passion" on a Christian Evangelical website. [NY Daily News]
· Woody Allen's 24-year-old son with Mia Farrow earns Master's Degree in marriage and family therapy. [NY Daily News]
· Passengers on an American Airlines flight wait over an hour on the runway for Hillary Clinton. [Page Six]

Posting will be light today, and from airport lounges.

A participant in Lizzie Grubman's Learning Annex "How to do PR" seminar ("start with daddy's Rolodex.") tells all in Salon: Grubman...refused repeatedly, almost combatively, to answer questions with any helpful specifics. I am not talking about questions like 'On that little knob, which one is DRIVE and which one is REVERSE?' or 'What were you thinking?' I am talking about practical what-people-came-for inquiries about how one might promote a comedy festival, a bakery, a home decorating expert, and so forth. Grubman's answers included: 'Well, I'd need to know what kind of bakery,' 'Get the stars to go on Leno and Conan O'Brien,' 'I analyze it as a kinda three-month kinda campaign sort of thing,' 'What we're talking about today and what we really do are far apart,' and 'I'm not giving away my secrets unless you hire me.'"
Thin Lizzie [Salon]

Comedian Bill Maher on the flash mob trend that New York has systematically inflicted on the rest of the world: "The newest trend sweeping Europe is 'flash mobs' which begin when masses of people follow the instructions of an e-mail telling them to be at a certain location at a certain time, perform some random, harmless, meaningless act, and then disperse. In that sense it s a bit like the custom of mass church attendance on Sundays. Flash mobs combine the pointlessness of chain letters with the adolescent inanity of 'Everybody cough at exactly 2:08!' rituals in high school. They also prove several points I've been arguing for years: the Internet is evil, we're not wise enough to use the technology we have, and people in their twenties have way too much free time."
Extra: people still sheep [Bill Maher blog]

· Sen. Hillary Clinton's staffers accidentally direct supporters to a porn site. [Page Six]
· Hilton sisters update: Nicky has a new boyfriend and Paris has been in Ibiza with "Girls Gone Wild" creator Joe Francis. [Page Six]
· Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss says she's lazy in bed. [Page Six]
· Cindy Adams mentions the Famous Jonathan Van Gieson's Buddy Cianci show. [Cindy Adams]
· Ex Sunday features editor Marilyn Matalick is retracting her statement that she was fired by the NY Post because she was female and American. [NY Daily News]

· Last night at Da Silvano: First it started with diners outside asking for four quarters for a dollar. Then, AMY SACCO and GRAYDON CARTER began putting a roll of quarters on their elbows, flinging their arm trying to catch the entire roll of quarters in their hands, but neither one of them succeeding. Two nights ago at Da Silvano, former ER actress JULIANA MARGOLIES raising her glass and announcing to her table "there are no bad actresses, just bad scripts" before asking her companions if any of them saw "Scrubs", and then proclaiming that she does theater for grocery money.
· i was on 14th street in front of MARKT in the MEAT PACKING today gearing up to jaywalk across 9th ave and this MERCEDES SUV thing is coming really slowly down 9th ave screwing up my flow. as i'm giving them the
"COULD YOU BRAKE OR ACCELERATE" look, i notice SPIKE LEE in the passenger's side of the truck giving the building, the sidewalk, etc the once over
seemingly location scouting.

· Fight Club author Chuck Palahniuk's audio blog
· Comedian Bill Maher's blog [via TMN]
· "Best Italian food in NYC" in a Bronx warehouse
· NYC land parcel info system
· Craig's list lost and found: "my virginity"

NY Mag has a new back-of-the-book feature called "the Help Desk" that is, I suppose, the NY Mag version of "Dear Abby." Readers submit (usually vapid) questions and someone at the magazine (unbylined) provides (usually vapid) answers. I've decided to provide additional vapid answers for my own amusement. And I'm leaving the comments open so you, too, can contribute. Or write cryptic little "I miss you, bunny" messages as some of you have been doing.