Dear Readers,

I'm in Hell-Lay until Wednesday and while I'm here, I'm considering running for governor. The other 158 candidates are going to split the votes in their respective parties, so my three traveling companions should be enough for a majority vote. (How hard is it to buy a California residency, really?) I'm advocating for the following reforms:
1. "Harsh" is an adjectivenot a verb.
2. One word sentences such as "Dude," and "Gnarly"both of which I have in all seriousness heard, shattering my optimistic belief that they were really just Hollywood constructsare punishable by death.
3. Egg white omelettes, tofu scramblesalso outlawed.
4. Visitors should be duly notified that the figure atop the Los Angeles Temple is, in fact, Jesus Christ the Angel Moroni and not Steven Spielberg. (This was a point of confusion for at least one of my traveling companions.)
5. Public engagement in healthy outdoor activities is acceptable on a limited basis. A very limited basis. (The Westchester Rule: there's no good reason to hike for miles around a plot of undeveloped land unless you happen to own it.)
6. "Dude. I think you're judging" is never an acceptable response to negative criticism. ("Dude," is never an acceptable response to anything.)
7. Avocado is not the new ketchup. I've only been here two days and my blood/avocado level is already 0.37. LA chefs: put the avocado down and step away from the entreé. (The LA translation, if that was confusing: "Put the avocado down and step away from the entreé. Dude.")

There will be more. I, like Arnold, am still developing my platform.

Vote early; vote often.
Elizabeth Spiers