We've often found ourselves wishing that someone would finally drag Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria into the Nevada desert and secure her to the arid terrain with airline cable and stakes, but it was a decidedly less worshipful proposition than the stunt that Maxim magazine has staged to celebrate its 100th issue. They've installed a 110-foot-long version of their milestone cover outside of Las Vegas (above is a screenshot from a Google Earth link the magazine provides on their website; that little white thing at the bottom is a truck, if you need sense of terrifying scale), perhaps the largest monument to a B-list TV actress ever constructed. Expect an immediate response by castmate/famewhore rival Teri Hatcher, who has her publicist researching the feasibility of swaddling the Good Year blimp in her "I Was Molested!" Vanity Fair cover, which they would like to hire to circle the airspace above the Housewives set through their entire third season.

Middle-aged, single women rejoice: Your video game prayers have been answered. A Desperate Housewives game will be on store shelves by September, and it will be packed with all the juicy things the very gender-progressive industry knows you've been craving in an interactive experience:

Just in case you ever wonder about which stars move tabloid product and which ones paparazzi probably wouldn't cross the street to photograph if they were on fire, today's pair of wedding-related announcements speak volumes: ET Online notes that bonafide (if US Weekly neglected) star Jack Black eloped with girlfriend Tanya Haden, a union that took the celebrity-industrial complex about two weeks (says our source) to notice. Meanwhile, you will probably not be able to go within fifty feet of a supermarket checkout line without knowing every detail about the engagement ring fifth-string Desperate Housewife Nicolette Sheridan's received from Unfrozen Caveman Soft Rock Balladeer Michael Bolton. We're going to guess that the Muzak royalties for "I Want To Know What Love Is" "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You" could provide for a rock big enough to topple Teri Hatcher when she tries it on for size on the DH set.

Perhaps finally provoked by a joylessly over-the-top an outrageous storyline in which Eva Longoria's character cold-cocks the nun she believed to be seducing her husband, the endearingly nutty TV watchdogs at the American Family Association (whom we're sure you remember from their recent anti-drug-addicted-Episcopalians and down-with-pop-trailer-trash-cameos-on-the-gay-show campaigns) are calling for a boycott of Desperate Housewives' sponsors, who surely will forsake the show's 20-plus million viewers to placate some publicity-addicted bible-thumpers:

"These 'Housewives,' en Espa ol, Are Heard but Never Seen," by Mireya Navarro, The New York Times, Sunday Styles, yesterday:

Pictured is Teri Hatcher, who in a moment of sheer inspiration, realized the best way to shift the focus of Grammy Awards coverage away from its tedious obsession with "music" and "nominated artists," and over to the far more fascinating subject of herself, was to show up in an outfit sure to be talked about in cramped office kitchens across the country the next day.

Southwest is quickly becoming the go-to airline for celebrity excitement at 30,000 feet. Just days after a flight attendant tried out her one-woman show, "Everything Kenny Chesney Wanted to Know About Sex and I Obligingly Demonstrated," to a captive, and captivated, audience of Southwest passengers, a Defamer operative sends in this report of a living, breathing Desperate Housewife rendered even more desperate by being forced into riding rat class on a Kansas City-bound flight, only to soon find herself the star of a very real disaster-in-the-sky adventure:

In the end, Lionsgate's plan to buy themselves a SAG award by sending out an unprecedented 130,000 Crash screeners to every living SAG member (last paying gig Thug #3 on Magnum P.I.? You get a screener!) proved to be a winning strategy, as the movie took a best film ensemble trophy at yesterday's SAG awards. Shut out of the proceedings was Brokeback Mountain, a clear message from voters that it requires more actorly skill to pretend to be racist than it does to pretend to be gay. Other winners included Philip Seymour Hoffman for Capote, Reese Witherspoon for Walk the Line, the cast of Lost for best ensemble TV drama and, in a turn of events sure to have resulted in Ari Emanuel launching a plate of Chinese food at his plasma screen, the cast of Desperate Housewives for best ensemble TV comedy.

Endeavor agent/HuffPo blogging superstar Ari Emanuel finally devotes some post inches (grudgingly, after some bit referencing Bill Clinton's blowjob habit) to the entertainment industry, sharing his latest, awards season inspired frustration with the world:

Always on the lookout for new, cutting-edge vehicles from which she can cuss out unsuspecting passers by and peel away, noted vehicular rageaholic and Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria made an appearance at the Detroit auto show yesterday, providing a delightful bit of life imitating art (her DH character Gabrielle resorts to being a car model in one episode) while simultaneously allowing her to lend her high-profile star power to the worthy cause of earning herself an appearance fee.

The inviting smell of a roasting turkey, beloved family members catching up after being apart for too long, spit flying from Eva Longoria's bright red face as she cusses someone out from the window of an SUV these are just a few of the cherished traditions we have all come to associate with the holidays. Who of us wasn't touched by her parking attendant-stiffing reminder, "Jesus! It s Thanksgiving. Be nice. FUCK!" Now comes news of this Christmas Eve interaction with San Antonio's finest:

Before the advent of the technological interwebs, an actor abruptly dismissed from the one of biggest shows on television for mysterious reasons of "improper conduct" would have had to awkwardly explain his situation through the usual publicist-enabled channels. But in this brave new world of personal publishing, a guy like former Desperate Housewives star Page Kennedy can not only tell his side of the story, but do it in rap form through his home page. The NY Daily News' Ben Widdicombe transcribes some of Kennedy's lyrical throw-down:

Teri Hatcher has won her libel suit against British tabloid The Daily Sport, which falsely reported that she enjoyed turnstyle gentlemen caller action in the Volkswagen van parked in her driveway as her daughter sat in their home. Simply not true, says Hatcher:

Our Golden Globes round-up omitted all TV nominees, because, let's face it, those Match Game rejects are lucky to even be allowed in the room. It is worth noting, however, that the category of Best Supporting Actress made for another potential chapter in the always entertaining Desperate Housewives inter-cast hate-in.

• The latest magland roman a clef is by Jane Pratt's former assistant. But this time this boss is the heroine — and her boss is the bad guy. What an interesting twist. [NYP]
• Maureen Dowd says the Times is over the Judy Miller fiasco and now "everything's fantastic." She also says the Iraq insurgency is in its last throes, and that U.S. forces have turned the corner there. [Texas Monthly]
• It's not just Maxim; Housewife Nicollette Sheridan will appear on any magazine that'll have her. [Folio: (second item)]
• Blogger book deals continue apace: Dan Radosh's Rapture Ready! TK in 2008. (Yeah, we know he does a lot more than only blog, but why let facts get in the way of a good generalization?) [Radosh.net]

Because cooking up a batch of delicious yams to show our gratitude to all of you would be both time and cost prohibitive, we hope you'll all instead accept our love in the form of this special edition Eva Longoria Thanksgiving e-card. We'll be back on Friday, but in the meantime, enjoy a smattering of links:

With nary a junk-dangling scandal or behind-the-scenes instance of hair-yanking bitch-slappery on the horizon, publicists for Desperate Housewives can rest easy, pleased that the show's in-house lightning rods for controversy will keep them in the papers as we approach Thanksgiving. Yesterday, we reported Eva Longoria's cheery holiday greetings to a parking attendant, and this morning, Teri Hatcher chipped in by suing a British tabloid for painting her as some kind of hippie nyphomaniac:

· Kate Moss jumps around to music, topless, then falls down. 'Nuff said.
· Blame boredom, blame out-of-control teenage hormones, blame a Kim Catrall marathon on TNT. But whatever you do, don't blame the mannequin. It's merely a victim.
· Feature Films for Families is trying to improve Hollywood's lax morality, one annoying telemarketing call at a time.
· 50 Cent encourages parents to use his ultraviolent video game as a teaching tool. With schools all over the country dropping essential "Vigilante Execution of Drug Dealers" coursework from the curriculum in favor of useless sports and fine arts programs, he's got a point.
· Desperate Housewives' gay-seeming, budding serial-killer pharmacist writes a prescription—for creepiness.

Thanksgiving came early for one lucky parking attendant near the Toluca Lake Koo Koo Roo today, when a Desperate Housewives cast member went out of her way to make sure he was mindful of the holiday season:

Page Kennedy, the Desperate Housewives actor suddenly and publicly shitcanned last week for the cryptic reason of "improper conduct," offers up a new, non-junk-dangling-related explanation for his abrupt dismissal: