· Nashawn Kearse might have taken Page Kennedy's job, but he can't replace his spirit. Well, unless he starts whipping it out on set.
· Conan O'Brien went to Harvard, so naming his new baby Beckett is totally acceptable.
· We have seen some terrifying shit on Craigslist in our day, but nothing quite as chilling as what may one day be referred to as Exhibit A.
· It's a scientific fact: A celebutante's lazy eye is 300 percent funnier when illustrated by a jaunty graphic.
· Johnny Cash's daughter is so upset by her mother's portrayal in Walk the Line that she walked out of a screening five times. Did someone not get enough attention while daddy was out on tour?
· Our mentally ill compatriots at Gawker continue their obsessive quest to catch the fake David Cross.

Browsing the guestbook entries of recently fired Desperate Housewives actor Page Kennedy's website is a sad affair. In reverse chronology, it tells the tale of a young man who, against all odds, broke free from the hard streets of his upper-middle class upbringing to make it in Hollywood, only to have his career-making role, The Guy Under The Mysterious Black Neighbors Stairs, yanked away from him due to an as yet indeterminate "improper conduct."

The always-reliable National Enquirer reports on the maddeningly vague "improper conduct" firing of Desperate Housewives actor Page Kennedy, a.k.a. The Guy Under The Mysterious Black Neighbors’ Stairs. And our earlier guess notwithstanding, it seems that Teri Hatcher's bagel did not figure in the abrupt dismissal:

Imagine for a moment that you're an up-and-coming young actor who lands a recurring role on one of the biggest hits on television. You show up to your first day of work, upon which an assistant director motions over to a basement set obscured by near total darkness, and says, "Welcome to your new gig! Now go crouch under those stairs and don't say a word." Being a classically trained professional, you bite your tongue, and make the most of your dialogue-free, lighting-free 'big break.' You take your place, whispering to yourself, "Don't screw this up, don't screw this up! Everyone in America shall know the name of the Guy Under The Mysterious Black Neighbors' Stairs!" Then you eat Teri Hatcher's bagel:

If you've found yourself vaguely dissatisfied after sitting through an episode of Desperate Housewives this season, don't wrack your brain wondering if it's because creator Marc Cherry isn't writing nearly all of the episodes, delegating much of the creative duties to a staff not completely in tune with his finely developed sense of soap opera camp (the evil-Eva-Longoria-twin episode should arrive in six weeks). Cherry fervently denies that he's not paying enough attention to his overrated Nielsen monster, so the LAT goes looking for other answers:

One of the LA.comfidential blog's readers spotted semiretired tabloid trainwreck Joey Buttafuoco slinging ice cream cones on the Crossing Jordan set last week. It looks like Buttafuoco (even more fun to type than to say!) is crawling his way up the craft services chain, as one of our operatives has spotted him working his soft-serve magic on another Universal lot shoot:

In recent weeks, we've heard a great deal not just about Peter Jennings's grace on camera, curiousity in reporting, and menschiness in everyday life, but also, repeatedly, about how was the conscience of ABC News.

Fresh tales of Desperate Housewives-related bitchery threaten to reopen the thousand paper-cuts of boredom inflicted on us by Sunday's Emmys. The folks at Open All Night expose a new round of red carpet shenanigans:

· "Got Jeff Zucker fired. I'm sorry. My Name is Earl." TMFTML adds a much needed splash of truth to NBC's Earl-awareness campaign. And while we're on the subject, we heard an Earl radio ad today in which a bunch of friends actually discussed those incredibly annoying talking magazine ads. Advertising about advertising? What. The. Fuck. NBC's brain-damaged promotional team must be stopped.
· Rebecca Romijn decides to make a serious commitment to slumming with Jerry O'Connell.
· Someone really needs to remind Teri Hatcher (and this publicist) that she didn't get that Emmy. Diva bullshit is for winners, babe.
· With so many washed-up pseudocelebrities desperate for attention in this town, The Surreal Life should be able to assemble a much better cast of the damned than Alexis Arquette, CC Deville, and the guy from Smashmouth.

· We take back that spurious "talentless" remark we made earlier about Moonves's beloved Julie Chen. TV Gasm clearly demonstrates that she's really, really good at saying at least two words. Also, don't miss their Golden Gasms (at least three times more exciting than the Emmys!), in which we were invited to offer our useless opinions. Mischa wuz robbed, yo.
· We love it when actresses play humble: "When her name was announced, Huffman said she was so nervous, it felt like 'an out of body experience' and that the Emmy voters 'were going to come in and go "oh, I'm sorry. We didn't mean Felicity Huffman. We meant Shmalicity Guffman."'" Well, they definitely weren't going to call up Schmeva Gongloria or Schmicollete Geridan, were they?
· Hey, unicorns! (We love us some Boing Boing, yes we do.)
· An Agent Dance Blind Item, courtesy of Page Six. Talk amongst yourselves: "WHICH high-powered but hated agent tried to leave Endeavor for rival CAA? The offer was rescinded when two high-level CAA agents said they would quit if he came on board."
· Kate Moss is quickly becoming our Favorite Celebrity Ever.

Nicolette Sheridan is going to have to try a little harder if she hopes to break the hammer-lock that Desperate Housewives co-star (and fellow Emmy snubee) Eva Longoria has on the gossip rags. A simple nip-slip (even a double-slip, admittedly a nice touch) isn't going to get the job done, especially with Longoria's flacks working so hard to establish her as Hollywood's leading media whore. Sheridan would need the equivalent of five simultaneously exposed nipples to compete with a single week of Longoria's red carpet output.

When JV Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria was non-grievously bonked on her pretty noggin by a section of pipe last week, we sheepishly admit that our first thought was not, "Wow, we hope that she's OK and makes a speedy, heroic return to work," but "Hey, how much hair does she have on her ladyflower?" Page Six sets our minds at ease:

Earlier today, Marcia Cross's publicist issued a statement announcing the Desperate Housewives star's engagement to her stockbroker boyfriend, thereby forever putting an end to rumors that she's secretly a lesbian, and rendering facts like this...

Oh, celebrities! When they aren't falling off horses, they're standing around on sets, minding their own business, and practically begging to become victims of gravity. A Defamer operative on the scene wrote in to inform us of an on-set accident yesterday involving Eva Longoria on a Desperate Housewives location shoot:

The Feh blog thinks that the folks at The Hollywood Reporter could've offended Chinese people a little more effectively than this headline's hilarious reduction of the culture to their tasty food:

·Sure, this (see above) is a story about a lawsuit, but that would be the best reality TV show of all fucking time.
· This RosieBlog obsession of ours isn't at all healthy, but: "you are not a friend of the letterman show - rosie."
· Star: Always seeking the public's assistance in naming celebrity babies. [scroll to bottom]
· Come on, now you're just making shit up.
· [Insert Name of Any Actress, Ever] Thinks She's a Lot Like Her Extremely Popular, Relatable Television Character

· Greatest. Petty. Thefts. Ever.
· Even at the end of his life, it was rumored that the Pope could bench 350.
· "Third rule of Desperate Housewives Fight Club, someone yells, 'Bitch! You're in my light!'?? Oh, it's on."
· Pantheon Zeus is unhealthily obsessed with the idea of Rosie O'Donnell portraying a retarded person. We're going to spare you the e-mails.
· We have just one question about this: Was it a skull or a full head? Because if it was an entire head, there might've been some embalming fluid in there, and we all know how awesome that combination is. OK, two questions: Whatever happened to using an apple or a Coke can with holes punched in it?

Normally, the Defamer Corrections space is reserved for making amends for our own inaccuracies, errors, and omissions. Thanks to a reader, today we can lend our corrective assistance to an editor at the AP, whose faulty identification of Desperate Housewives star Marcia Cross on the infamous Vanity Fair cover may incite yet another sweaty round of the now-legendary bitch-orgy should Cross' publicist discover it:

OMG! Did you hear about what happened at the Vanity Fair cover shoot with the Desperate Bitchwives, um, we mean, Housewives? The AP was all:

· The 1,121 naughty words that you can't get on the back your customized NFL jersey include "ass bagger," "asswhore," and "fuckknob." Luckily for my fellow LA residents, "cokehead" seems to have slipped through the censor's, ahem, cracks. Should be a big seller. [via Wonkette]
· "Danny Glover has a serious mission for his new movie production company: Louverture Films will develop and produce movies of historical relevance, social purpose, commercial value and artistic integrity." HA HA HA HA HA. Good one, Danny! Where are you planning on setting up this company, inside Mr. Rogers' magic trolley?
· The crazy HOPE kids, who successfully staged protests of shoddy entertainment products by Paris Hilton and Ashlee Simpson, brought their movement to the Oscars and some parties.
· James Denton of Desperate Housewives may not be fighting off rumors that he's a lesbian, but he did move to Glendale. If anyone finds out, his career is so fucking over.