Because T.R. Knight's personal journey from fresh-faced actor, to innocent slur victim, to tireless crusader for bullied gay TV stars' rights only grows more fascinating the more he talks about it, we turn now to the upcoming issue of The Advocate, which features the accidental hero on their cover. (And upon which he demonstrates even further signs of saintliness by acting as full-time caregiver to the quadriplegic canine companion co-star Katherine Heigl adopted for him.) As is so often the case in tales of Hollywood closet-emergence, Knight was discouraged from coming clean with the world so soon after his big break:

On today's Martha Stewart Show, unstoppable party juggernaut Lindsay Lohan—who could not even be slowed by a pricey, totally unnecessary outpatient rehab program—finally lets her defenses down (once Martha gets you into her kitchen and has you whipping up profiteroles, you're fucking toast) and reveals the one person who could possibly end her reign of clubbing terror: Georgia Rule co-star Jane Fonda. As reassuring as it is to discover that there's at least one authority figure the troubled actress might actually listen to, we fear that new ET correspondent Dina Lohan might be so deeply hurt that she might use her next Rule assignment to hunt down Fonda for an ugly confrontation, grabbing a fistful of the older actress's hair and screaming, "So, now you're trying to steal my meal ticket, you commie bitch? Don't fuck with a mom from Strong Island with nothing to lose!," a tussle during which a peacemaking Cojo tragically loses an eye to Dina's wildly flailing fingernails.

Upon reading that movie-star-of-the-internet-people Bruce Willis had virtually kneecapped Armageddon director Michael Bay ("Bay...Would have ruined DH4. Few people will work with him now, and I know I will never work with him again.") while communing with his fans on the AICN message boards, we had a feeling it wouldn't be long before Bay used his own online forum to retaliate against his mouthy ex-collaborator. With an emotional mixture of hurt, disbelief, and defiance far more complex than any moment in one of his movies, a wounded Bay responds:

· Michael Moore finds himself in trouble with the Treasury...because of the sure-to-be controversial documentary on the U.S. healthcare system he's got coming out soon! How will he ever promote the movie with all this unwanted publicity swirling around him?
· Just $9.99 wins you the URL DontfreeHilton.com, which is sure to be wildly popular even after she serves just 15 hours of her 45 day sentence.
· Billy Ray Cyrus glad America put him out of his uncoordinated, toe-mashing misery.
· When are you mean people going to stop expecting Val Kilmer to have that Top Gun six-pack? Can't an aging actor go to seed in peace anymore?

A whirlwind promotional tour for Shrek the Third has, unfortunately, given all of us an unsolicited glimpse into the well-ventilated mind of Cameron Diaz: She recently described to Meredith Viera on Today the fascination with her personal life as being "like high school, isn't it? We as celebrities are like the popular kids. People want to know our business." (Yes, that's exactly right! And Justin is the QB, and The Ivy is the cafeteria, and Variety is the student newspaper!) Now comes this curious quote, shared with rarely seen paleolithic Hollywood gossip entity Jeanne Wolf:

Never one afraid to challenge the conventional wisdom, Endeavor superagent and HuffPo freethinker Ari Emanuel has leapt to the defense of embattled pal Chris Albrecht, "appalled" at the way the media unfairly drew a connection between a harmless little 16-year-old cover-up (was there even an HBO way back in 1991? Who knows?) and this weekend's isolated incident in the MGM Grand valet lot to create the dubious "pattern" that ostensibly cost the executive his job. Blogs Emanuel:

· Music round-up: (The awesome) John Vanderslice at Largo; Peachfuzz at The Echo; Matt Skiba at the Troubadour.
· It's the second Thursday of the month, so it's time for the May edition of the Downtown Art Walk, where you can stumble into any number of fine participating galleries.
· At the Central Library, writers Anne Taylor, Liza Mundy, and Peggy Orenstein chat about "motherhood, infertility, and procreative options" at their "Everything Conceivable: From the Stork to the Petri Dish" discussion.

As if the L.A. dog population isn't already just a bunch of pampered assholes who crap wherever they like and expect the rest of the world to trail behind them and clean up their gilded messes with an attentive, gloved hand, the new PetsCell mobile phone promises to elevate them to another level of privileged insufferability. Soon, dog parks all over town will be filled with the abrasive chatter of cockapoos bragging to their pals out for a jog at Runyon Canyon about the shar-peis* they mounted last night at the Chateau Marmutt, coarsening an already obnoxious local canine culture.

As his first major order of business since the passing of his larger-than-life predecessor, current MPAA honcho Dan Glickman has announced that the federal ratings board will take the unprecedented measure of factoring in on-screen cigarette smoking into their ratings decisions. But rather than risking penalizing a worthy, smoke-filled-room movie like Good Night and Good Luck with a rating of "LC-17: Parents Strongly Cautioned Some Material May Indirectly Lead to Lung Cancer," the board has established several mitigating circumstances:

While it's far too late for us to offer to help the following anonymous Craigslist poster find a lift so that he wouldn't miss his obscenely early call time, we feel we nonetheless should pass along his admirably responsible, late night plea for a designated driver (or, as the job is commonly called in the industry, a "PA"):

Unable to come to grips with the idea that it might lose its favorite local socialite for the full 45 days of her recently handed down prison sentence, the LAT embarked on a quest to find someone willing to envelop it in a warm hug, gently stroke its hair, and reassure it that those scary men don't really mean all their nasty talk about Paris Hilton serving every last minute of her hard time:

For addicts of rapidly multiplying frozen dairy delicacy concern Pinkberry, the exact nature of the cloudy liquid employees dump from large plastic vats into their churning confectionary machines is of little import. The sign says yogurt, it's probably some kind of watered-down yogurt, right? Wrong, according to a lawsuit brought against the chain. From a press release issued by the plaintiff's lawyers:

· In case you haven't heard about the whole Chris Albrecht mess, a recap: arrested in Vegas Sunday, news breaks Monday, heads off to rehab Tuesday, new shit comes to light Wednesday morning, fired Wednesday afternoon, HBO in turmoil Thursday. There, that about gets you up to speed. [Variety, THR]
· With his shocking Dreamgirls Oscar loss solidifying the dissociative identity disorder that drives him to take roles in terrible comedies demanding he portray multiple characters, Eddie Murphy signs on for a family-friendly big-screen version of Fantasy Island in which he's expected to play a variety of roles. Get ready for some disturbing, Little Man-style FX grafting his face onto a dwarf's body for his Tattoo scenes. [THR]
· You know what the world really needs? Another Terminator movie, but without Schwarzenegger or Cameron or anything that made the first two worth watching. [Variety]
· The pre-upfront buzz says that it's going to be another bad year for comedy, a premise supported by rumors that ABC's Cavemen is gaining pick-up momentum. Please, God, let it make the schedule. [THR]

It's been far too long since orphan-addicted baby-collector Angelina Jolie has opened up about her complicated feelings on biological childbirth, a selfish practice that invariably disrupts the color-coordinated harmony of any painstakingly racially balanced brood. But Jolie is once again ready to defend her still-controversial decision to use her uterus instead of a Third World nation's adoption system to add to her family last year, this time to Reader's Digest:

It's hard to believe, but May 25th marks the 30th anniversary of the release of the first installment in George Lucas's career-defining, not-at-all-silly epic space opera, making it as good an excuse as any to push through some civic legislation designating it Star Wars Day in Los Angeles. Our friends at Curbed LA snagged a copy of the resolution:

Perhaps realizing that the impromptu, beer-soaked promotional appearance he made on behalf of Live Free or DieHard at halftime of a recent Nets playoff game might not reach as many hardcore film nerds as he'd like, onetime wisecracking animated critter and resurgent action star Bruce Willis has taken to the Talkback boards at Ain't It Cool to get the word out about his comeback vehicle, which he swears will contain all the brain-splattering, hard-R violence his fans crave despite a PG-13 rating that limits him to a mere two "fucks." Here, Willis dramatically outs himself as suspiciously defensive poster "Walter B":

Late last night, all of America came to a standstill as Lindsay Lohan turned up on Letterman to help promote Georgia Rule (we'll assume it was a good faith effort to make up some of the time she missed due to "exhaustion" and "immaturity"), hoping that the perpetually troubled starlet might reveal what's actually going on in those blurry News of the World bathroom stall photos.

· The man who gave us Jar Jar Binks (and who glued two hair-danishes to Carrie Fisher's head and gave Hayden Christensen a career) knows a "silly" movie when he sees one.
· We're stunned that yesterday's Hasselhoff parody video is placing a weak eighth on the Hoff Viral Video charts. And this mash-up is still too new to chart, but we think it's a comer.
· Rub a 20-year-old lamp and a studio genie will bring you $1.6 million.
· Hamas decides there's a better way to call for an Islamist liberation of Jerusalem than through a Militant Mickey Mouse character.
· Please pardon us for a minute, but: OMG OMG! Cameron TOTALLY KISSED JUSTIN! OMGOMGgonnadie! There, now that's out of our system.

Overshadowed by uplifting stories about the heroic efforts of celebrity Scientologists to save their neighbors from the rapidly spreading flames of the Griffith Park wildfire are the heart-sickening tales of the blaze's true victims: We speak, of course, of Gilmore Girls fans, who, having just learned that their favorite show won't be coming back next season, had to endure the fresh tragedy of discovering that the one of the series' last original episodes was pre-empted by, like, totally boring! WTF! local news coverage of the fire. They would not suffer silently, however, and flocked to KTLA's GG message board to pillory the station for its unspeakable cruelty. A sampling of their pain follows:

With all the dramatic fires and firings sweeping through Hollywood lately, we almost let an entire day pass without updating you on the latest developments in the saga of recently disciplined Hollywood überpresence Paris Hilton. Well, it's time to correct that egregious oversight, with your afternoon Paris Hilton round-up:
· A statement issued through her attorney corrected "what I believe are misperceptions about me...I absolutely realize how serious driving under the influence is... I do not expect to be treated better than anyone else who violated probation. However, my hope is that I will not be treated worse." She then signed it, "Yours, Elliot Min—I mean Paris! 'That's hot.' See? It's really me!"[TMZ]
· Some confusion over why the convicted heiress has been spotted zipping around town in her Bentley is cleared up: Her license was reinstated in March. [People]
· We think it's a matter of time before Paris: The Reckoning becomes a hit Broadway courttroom drama, à la 12 Angry Men. Why not save all the effort and time it would take to write it, and simply use this Nancy Grace CNN transcript instead? [Transcripts.cnn.com]
· In this dark graphic novelette, Hannibal Hilton helps Clarice Starlet (played by Lindsay Lohan) find her way to Buffalo Britney. But will she save Sanjaya before it fails to properly rub the conditioner in its hair? We aren't telling. [SFGate.com]
· If you cut her, does she not bleed plaster of Paris? Finally, we get an unobstructed bird's eye view of the "Paris Hilton Autopsy" sculpture, revealing her innards to look not much different than ours, especially after we've had one too many #5 combos at El Pollo Loco. [news.yahoo.com]