An update to last week's startling claims that temporarily slowed the seemingly unstoppable rise of frozen dessert Borg, Pinkberry: If you recall, someone is suing the company for allegedly passing off a powder-based product containing no live cultures, making for a bacteria-free snacking experience (we're told in yogurt circles, not a good thing). An update to the Pinkberry website addresses the controversy directly, assuring customers that their "product is wholesome" and that they are "investigating."

While Friday's announcement that groundbreaking ABC/Geico sitcomfomercial Cavemen made the fall schedule was met with the popping of champagne corks in Defamer HQ and quickly followed by boozy expressions of admiration for the network's rare combination of business savvy and social conscience, not everyone was overjoyed to hear the news. The LAT Show Tracker blog reports that after president Steve McPherson called to break the news that his eponymous sitcom had grown too expensive to renew for a sixth season, George Lopez raged against the pro-Neanderthal programming policies that will deny him a timeslot:

Throughout Paris Hilton's recent travails, it often occurred to us that all the convicted socialite might really need is a just swift kick in the ass-goiter—preferably from a voice of experience who could sympathize with a life steeped in nearly unfathomable Hollywood affluence. We speak, of course, of Candy Spelling, whose fully authenticated open letter to the embattled heiress was posted yesterday by TMZ.com, having now expanded their mandate to include soapbox services for bored celebrity widows:

As part of Gawker Media's ongoing attempts to better serve its advertisers readers by bribing them with a chance to win exciting prizes in exchange for some anonymous demographic information, we are happy to present the following Defamer FunTime Poll. Tell us a little bit about your sexual preference, submit your e-mail address (don't worry, it's not linked to your vote), and you'll be entered in a random drawing for a $250 Amazon gift certificate. Creepy? Not even a little, we're told!

· Maria Bello has been cast in the role of "Much Cheaper Alternative to Oscar-Winning Actress No Longer Willing to Slum It in a Mindless Sequel" in the next Mummy installment, replacing Rachel Weisz. [Variety]
· Spider-Man 3 pulled in another $85.5 million internationally, bringing its worldwide box office to $622.1 million. [THR]
· NBC demotes Law & Order: Criminal Intent to its USA Network (with second-run episodes appearing on the network mothership), while the Original Recipe L&O will stay on the Peacock, avoiding a possible banishment to TNT. [Variety]
· CBS goes pre-upfront pick-up crazy, bringing pilot dramas Twilight (about a vampire P.I.) and Laughlin (guy dreams of opening a shitty casino in Laughlin, NV!) to series. [THR]
· Madonna's husband is finally getting back into directing incomprehensible, low-budget gangster films, and will team with Joel Silver's Dark Castle Entertainment on the "action comedy" RockNRolla this summer. [Variety]

With the headlines recently being dominated by depressing stories of high-profile Hollywood executives succumbing to their personal demons and sacrificing their jobs, Page Six decides to zig where others have zagged, noting that a long-brewing LAT investigation involving Universal's Ron Meyer's love of high-stakes poker seems (at least for now) to be a scandal non-starter:

The Chicago Board of Education is being sued by the family of a 12-year-old girl who claims she was psychologically scarred after a high school substitute teacher screened Ang Lee's award-winning cinematic exploration of forbidden sheepherder love, Brokeback Mountain, for her students:

Having spent the last year riding president Kevin Reilly's "First be best, then be first" programming strategy from an embarrassing fourth place in the ratings to a more critically acclaimed, if still sparsely watched, 2006-07 TV season, NBC today officially announced its Fall schedule, with an exuberant Reilly introducing an equally exciting organizing philosophy for a new and improved slate that includes a six-episode Heroes spin-off, 30 episodes of The Office (with five super-sized installments!), and 25 of My Name is Earl. Reports Variety:

Welcome to the Second Official Monday Morning of Blockbuster Season! The numbers aren't quite as impressive as last weekend's, but they should hold you over until Shrek shows up on Friday to narcotize the children of America:

· Chris Albrecht: A little Sex and the City, a little Sopranos, a lot toast. It's just not fair.
· Spider-Man 3 scores with audiences, except the ones exiting the theater.
· Everything but Paris is burning.
· Bruce Willis is listening.
· Secrets of Lindsay Lohan's unbridled enthusiasm revealed!
· Dispatches from the Bay blog: The impostor. The heartbreak. The featurette.
· Elliot Mintz and Paris Hilton kiss and make up.
· Dame trumps Queen.
· Don't fuck with the Gilmore Girls set.
· The MPAA now to list movies' tar content.
· The red and white menace.
· The scary, familiar-looking white blob still haunts Angelina Jolie.

· More Pinkberry backlash! Rise up against your overcharging, fake-yogurt-selling, rapidly expanding tormentors!
· Somewhere buried in this video blog of Rosie O'Donnell and friends, she accuses Ellen DeGeneres of having a clause in her contract that forbids her from talking about being a lesbian. We made it 7 seconds in before giving up, which we consider a feat of almost superhuman endurance.
· We couldn't be happier for My Name is Earl's Jaime Pressly, who just minutes ago TK'd a boy! And Sheryl Crow TK'd a boy, too!
· Michael Bay swallows the hurt, and posts a brief Transformers behind-the-scenes featurette on his blog. There—a little megaphone-assisted crew-abuse is always good for cheering up!
· Hey, Reuters headline writer: We think "bittersweet" is just a smidge of an understatement.
· The Governor has far more pressing things to do than exonerate Paris. Like seeing if there's a walk-on for him in Terminator 4.

We recently said a prayer—a modest one, but a prayer nonetheless—that Cavemen, ABC's way of telling the world, "You know what? We give up. There is no more comedy. It was clearly a non-renewable resource whose last drips were squandered somewhere during the opening credits of Wild Hogs. Instead, we proudly present to you this season-long riff on a third-tier car insurance company commercial. Choke on it," would make it onto their fall schedule. Our prayers have been answered:

Friday
· Music round-up: Dinosaur Jr. are at the Troubadour, The Shys play the Echo, and Lavender Diamond and Dntel play a free show at Amoeba Records.
· W.C. Fields's The Old Fashioned Way screens at the Samuel Goldwyn Theater, with a pre-screening discussion moderated by Hollywood's cherished film nerd, Leonard Maltin.
Saturday
· The Sacred Fools Theater hosts our kind of a contest: a Guitar Hero II tournament—your chance to show the world what you and Lars Ümlaüt are made of.
· To round out your adolescent male fantasies, the Hot Chicks of Horror! event at Dark Delicacies book store should do the trick. Featuring Barbara Nedeljakova from Hostel and Frankenhooker's Jennifer Delora.
Sunday
· Modest Mouse play the Greek Theater Gibson Amphitheater, The Chapin Sisters are at the Mint, and The Sweet Hurt play the Hotel Café.
· A screening of Tim Buckley: My Fleeting House, about the too-brief life of the 1960s musician and father of...sigh...Jeff Buckley. At Molly Malone's.

We suppose the delicate balance of trust forged between celebrities and their adoring, chemically imbalanced stalkers was breached at the precise moment when Sandra Bullock's current obsessor, Marcia Diana Valentine, attempted to run over her husband Jesse James "three or four times" with her silver Mercedes in the couple's driveway. (Topic for discussion: Is the stalking class getting wealthier?) Bullock made sure to show up to a court date in the O.C. in person today—see her walking into and out of the hearing here!—where a judge granted her a restraining order:

Veteran Hitchcock cribber homagist Brian DePalma is reaching back over two decades for his next project, following up 1987's The Untouchables with an origin prequel, The Untouchables: Capone Rising. MTV Movie Blog now confirms it's Nicolas Cage, in the latest in a string of bizarre career choices, who'll be stepping into Robert DeNiro's wing-tip shoes as the title mobster:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so if lady luck should happen to gift you with one, don't squander it: Write it up and send it in! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the time you dined among the boy band diaspora:

With the recent announcement of a stunning technological advance that could threaten thousands of local assistants with the loss of their livelihood to a legion of far cheaper, canine call-rolling labor, there is perhaps no better time than now to start the job hunt that will take your career to the next level. Hit the Defamer Job Board and discover exciting opportunities like these:

It is time once again to sing a little love song to this week's sponsors, any of whom we would gladly freak wild upon the slightest booty-call provocation. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and make readers ponder exactly how we might go about attempting an act of sexual congress with your mobile phone, bottle of designer vodka, or automobile, see this page.

· NBC has pre-upfront pick-up fever, renewing the critically beloved, but anemically rated, Friday Night Lights for a second season. ("First be best, then be first" is the Peacock motto stitched into a throw pillow on Kevin Reilly's couch.) Also making the schedule: new dramas The Bionic Woman, Chuck, Journeyman and Life. [Variety]
· Barry Sonnenfeld is in talks to direct supernatural adventure The Box for Fox, prompting the best headline of the morning: "Sonnenfeld Ponders Fox's 'Box'." Can't wait for "Barry All Up Inside Fox's Box" when the deal closes. [THR]
· You already know all about Ari Emanuel's opinion of the Chris Albrecht ouster, but the industry's feelings on the matter remain complicated. Recovering addict/friend/Deadwood producer David Milch says Time Warner did the right thing even if they were just afraid of the bad press: "All these people saying the corporation should have forgiven him, what they're really saying is the corporation should have kept him sick."[Variety]
· Forgiving the franchise for its later floppy-eared, jive-talking transgressions against their craft, The Visual Effects Society recognizes Star Wars as having the most influential special effects of all time. [THR]
· Var boldly predicts that Spider-Man 3 will crush new competition Georgia Rule and 28 Weeks Later, but does note Spidey's fallen off the record-setting pace of last summer's Pirates sequel.. [Variety]

As our fair coastal city and its archipelagos are consumed in brimstone-free hellfires, we here at Defamer continue in our commitment to bringing you disaster coverage from the only angle that matters: How does it affect celebrities? We already reported on the courageous actions of impromptu evacuation coordinator Kirstie Alley, who is currently propping a tanning reflector beneath her chin on the lido deck of a Sea Org vessel hundreds of miles from shore, where she'll stay until it's deemed safe to return to dry land. Today, we have the even more incredible tale of Steven W. Bailey, who appears on Grey's Anatomy as Joe the bartender, and may also be familiar to you as My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance's, uh, big, fat, obnoxious fiance: