Just like we told you days ago, naughtytalking Insider host Pat O'Brien trust-fell straight out of rehab and right into the burly, tough-lovin' arms of Oprah's in-house philosopher, Dr. Phil, just in time for sweeps:

After reading all of the glowing things about the publicist profession frequently featured in this space, you may be shocked—shocked!—to discover that many celebrity flacks are not universally worshipped by journalists. To wit, sister site Gawker solicited media types to submit their PR-related horror stories. Feel the love overflowing from this sampling of the wildly entertaining responses:

In her review of Riding the Bus With My Sister, the NYT's Virginia Heffernan challenges us, however briefly, to jettison our preconceptions and generally be better people:

This is exactly what will happen at the box office this weekend:

As part of our new all-Cruise format, we present this interview with Steven Spielberg and Tom Cruise to promote War of the Worlds in German magazine Spiegel, which took a startling turn away from the typical canned, junket-flavored fare when the reporter started asking surprisingly pointed questions about Cruise's involvement in the Church of L.Ron:

We'd like to take a moment to thank this week's sponsors, who'd never take our sweetheart to Rome and parade her in front of the cameras for cheap publicity. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and impress the people who desperately crave your products, see this page.

A Defamer operative submits this report of a new, airborne danger: the desperate, fading celebrity who might snap if not recognized by his captive audience.

· Studios cross their fingers, hoping that releasing not-really-summer-blockbusters like Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and XXX: State of the Union in April will finally shake loose some more of this year's scant box office dollars. [Variety]
· "Maverick" director Steven Soderbergh signs a six-picture deal with Mark Cuban's 2929 Entertainment, which will attempt to destabilize the universe by releasing Soderbergh's independent movies simultaneously in theaters, on TV, and video. Don't worry, though, Ocean's Thirteen through Sixteen will still be released the old-fashioned way. [THR]
· The networks finally gave in to "peer pressure" and sacrificed valuable sweeps primetime slots to carry GWB's press conference, but they weren't happy about it. They cut away early to make sure the public didn't miss Trump and Paris Hilton's far more enlightening remarks on America. [Variety]
· One day, when nothing but radioactive cockroaches roam the earth, America's Funniest Home Videos and According to Jim will still get pick-ups for an additional season. [THR]
· Mos Def takes reckless chances with his acting career by agreeing to star opposite Bruce Willis in the cop drama 16 Blocks. [Variety]

While searching for some unclaimed assets, Banterist started plugging in the names of various celebrities into the database, emerging with an impressive list of actors who have money laying around at talent agencies, insurance companies, and studios. Because were are bad, mean-spirited people, we will seemingly-at-random-but-you-know-what-we're-getting-at select a couple of the celebs and list them below:

In yet another installment of our continuing attempts to come to terms with the existential donkey-kick to the 'taint that is the unholy pairing of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, this headline was a brief rainbow in the endless publicist-inflicted gloom of the past two days. That is, until we read the (incredibly brief) story: "MISSION Impossible star Tom Cruise’s stunning new girlfriend says she is a virgin. Dawson's Creek star Katie Holmes, 26 has told pals she's saving herself for Mr Right."

God bless the internets. We were looking for a reason not to crawl back into the bathtub and sleep off this debilitating hangover, but our pressing reverse-peristaltic needs be damned, we found one! Celebrity Skin and Bodily Fluids is a website claiming to sell the fecal matter, saliva, urine, and sundry other human byproducts of your favorite stars. Sure, it sounds like a gag (although an inspired one), but their FAQ claims that they're real, and no website with a FAQ can possibly be a put-on:

· Is the website VoteForTheWorst.com responsible for the confounding, continuing success of Scott "The Big, Scary, Out of Tune Baby" Savol on American Idol? Who knows? We still like our pet theory: Most people who bother to vote on AI have incredibly shitty taste.
· Also, did you get a debilitating case of the retarded tingles when Paula Abdul nearly broke down when Constantine got sent home last night, just like we did? Someone really needs to get that woman some horse tranquilizers or she might not make it to the end.
· Sounds like a great idea, but we're probably going to end up skipping it.
· This Sploid shift memo is going to get someone on MSNBC fired, sued, killed, or disappeared, once Tom Cruise finds out about it.
· A dangerous combination of weight loss and lip-collagen injections has made Lindsay Lohan very, very paranoid.

· The Egyptian hosts a sneak preview of Zombie Honeymoon, a film whose premise we are reasonably certain is accurately described in its title. Director David Gebroe will hang around afterwards to answer all of your zombie-related inquiries, which must include a serious contemplation of how many zombies can fit in a Mini Cooper (without the use of a blender).
· Aireoke: an unholy combination of air guitar and karaoke. Don't worry, though, there's still the same hipster-attracting possibility for ironic detachment that's present in each component. Aire-awesome! At the Parlour Club.
· Music, music, music: Tim Burgess at the Viper Room; The Sights at Amoeba for an in-store; The Shore at the Troubadour; Ben Folds at the Virgin Megastore.

Sometimes we think that we don't know how to turn you on anymore. Due to a nearly unprecedented lack of interest*, we're calling off the answers portion of the game. There were simply too few guesses to take advantage of the collective intelligence that challenges Ted Casablanca's best efforts to obscure his items in his special goulash of convoluted grammar and genitalia-related neologisms. Perhaps your boredom and/or frustration with this week's blind item is summed up by one reader's submission:

In our continuing attempts to come to terms with the purity-despoiling nightmare represented by the relationship of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, we start asking ourselves a rational question: Could we have seen it coming?

Word on the ten-percent-earning street is that Michelle Bohan is fleeing the warm, elderly embrace of the William Morris Agency for Endeavor's come-hither-so-I-can-lift-your-wallet-while-hugging-you stare. We hear she's taking clients Ashley Judd, Kevin Bacon, Alfred Molina, and Benjamin Bratt with her, where they can all willfully ignore recent Endeavor signee Paris Hilton at the firm's next potluck dinner at Agent Dance mascot Ari Emmanuel's house (pictured, as always, at left). That chick cannot cook a fucking tuna casserole to save her life!

When we first encountered Rosie O'Donnell's blog, we were immediately concerned that the world isn't ready for this kind of unfiltered access to the celebrity collective consciousness. We didn't know the effing half of it, because we've just completed a quick stroll through Rosie's Flickr page, and now we've got the accompanying visuals to match the unleashed inner monologue of the blog ramblings. It's like Being John Malkovich made real, only, you know, with more sensible, looser-fitting clothes. How long until Rosie starts offering rides in her head to anyone with a K-mart credit card?

Tomorrow, at their storied News Cafe, home to endless show-related promotions and lamely-themed meals, Fox employees will gather to give outgoing president Gail Berman a tearful goodbye as she departs for a job helping Brad Grey run The New Paramount™. As a last act of brutality before forever leaving behind the lot that was her home for the last five years, Berman's apparently commissioned a baby writer from Stacked to pen the invitation to her going-away party, which was circulated to employees today via e-mail. Prepare yourselves, kids, this one's going to get a little rough:

This week's LA Weekly features a truly revelatory profile of local bon-vivant/photographer/modelizer/ celebrity-hanger-on Scott Nathan, a "modern day Forrest Gump" who's cast himself into Hollywood's waters like a piece of fame-seeking flotsam and drifted into relationships (business and othewise) with stars, producers, and other assorted industry types. We've culled some handy courtship tips from the piece, which may or may not assist you in scoring with Leonardo DiCaprio's castoffs:

The Smoking Gun is making a full-time job of exposing the shady backgrounds of American Idol contestants. Their latest victim is hippie-rocker Bo Bice, who was arrested on felony cocaine possession charges in 2001, but dodged the bullet by completing a "diversion program."