· NBC goes cuckoo for the tainted Cocoa Puffs of reality television, planning to roll out six shows this summer. Scheduled to chip away at your soul: More Biggest Loser, Average "We Always Pick The Hot Guy, So Why Bother?" Joe, a new entry in the still-hot family-destablization genre (Meet Mr. Mom), and something from whose uterus sprung Paris Hilton. We're never going to get a tan at this rate. [Variety]
· Oliver Stone gets another opportunity to prove he's completely forgotten how to direct a compelling movie with an adaptation of James Ellroy's The Night Watchman. [THR]
· HBO lands The Office's Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant's next show, Extras, about a struggling actor in Hollywood. And even though HBO is already jam-packed with Hollywood-set shows like Entourage and Unscripted, there is still much rejoicing that Gervais didn't take his new baby to a broadcast network. [Variety]
· The resurrected Family Guy seems "less frenetic" than it was in its early, oft-canceled incarnation. [THR]
· Marvel and Paramount enter into a production deal, ensuring that every obscure superhero in the Marvel Universe gets his chance to be in an absolutely execrable movie that will make fanboys sob into their Power Man and Iron-Fist pillow cases. [Variety]

Wherein we invite our readers to pan for blind item gold in the auriferous streams of humpy E! gossip-prospector Ted Casablanca. This week's offering stars a semihetero hunk's horny, yet misguided, attempts at penis-vagina contact. Plunge down the mine shaft of One Four-Footed Blind Vice:

Overheard at a recent meeting of The First Publicity-Prop's Club: "When he takes out hees, how you say, e-meter? You jus say 'Ooo, eet's so beeeeg, Tom,' and then he'll jus go in the other room and play with eet."

After a month of tears, recriminations, forged (or "forged") signatures, and teary recriminations, the Writers Guild West is suing its East Coast outpost for a "bad faith" effort to enter into arbitration over dues collection. While this East Coast/West Coast conflict easily lends itself to a joke about how WGA West president Dan Petire Jr. should watch his back, lest he be gunned down at a movie premiere buffet like Tupac, we're "not going to go there." Instead, we issue a call for peace, and urge the warring factions to follow the arbitration guidelines clearly delineated in the Guild's 1954 constitution: Petrie and WGA East president Herb Sargent must settle this like men and lock themselves in a neutral conference room with a box of razor blades, a tub of cooking oil, and a wooden fraternity paddle, with the winner's guild receiving 60 percent of disputed dues and a one-year contract to write scripts for The Phantom's wildly popular radio play. We all look forward to the speedy resolution of this regrettable disagreement.

According to a People magazine poll (typing those words just shook loose a blood vessel in our brain), the public has drooled its assent for the sexual conjoining of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie by voting them the Most Beautiful of all the 50 Most Totally Beautifulest Peoples In All The World. Jolie's already telling adorable stories about her lovah in the rag:

Defamer is committed to bringing together Hollywood's hottest stars and the anonymous Craigslist posters who issue claims of love and intimacy on "missed connections" message boards

That last, tiny, untainted piece of our Hollywood-singed hearts died when this press release from Extra, which seems to gleefully shit its pants with EXCLUSIVE exuberance, landed in our inbox moments ago:

Earlier, when we marveled at the the provocative poses struck by Michael Jackson in an old Colorfoms set and labeled the ones that seemed particularly egregious in light of his child molestation trial, we neglected to mention that we were working only from the sheet of Colorforms themselves, not the version with the card you see above. We did not intentionally ignore the highly charged phrase "Rub 'em here! Rub 'em there! Rub 'em EVERYWHERE! Ages 3 & Up." Thank you for your understanding in this matter, and to apologize for the confusion, we've added a big, white arrow to ensure that future readers are not victims of this oversight.

The WGA rank-and-file huddled in the Writers Guild Theater last night to receive wisdom from scribble-and-shoot, multihyphenate elders Barry Levinson, James L. Brooks, and Gary Ross, and heard what they already certainly knew—if the studios can't slap a catchy tagline on a one-sheet that features something engulfed in a ball of flames, you've got a one way ticket to Fox Searchlight country. A reader recaps last night's talk:

Freeze Dried Movies has an early review of Sony's Bewitched based on a test screening, precisely the kind of thing that gives studio execs screaming hemorrhoids as they anticipate bad buzz spreading from an unfinished movie:

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let Ben Affleck know that we know Jennifer Garner's in the driver's seat.

Just a quick note to fellow devotees of the stream-of-consciousness, semihaiku house of literary delights that is Rosie O'Donnell's blog: She's moved the site from its former home in the blogspot ghetto to the rapidly-gentrifying neighborhood of Rosie.com. Update your RSS feeds and bookmarks accordingly; you wouldn't want to miss posts like this one, which combine a mastery of internet technologies and a typically down-to-earth snubbing of Hollywood materialism:

In the light of the the ongoing molestation trial, how many once-innocent things now seem incredibly inappropriate in this set of Michael Jackson Rub N' Play Colorforms? (Click on the image to see a larger version.) Our answers are after the jump.

· Patty Hearst files for access to grandfather William Randolph Heart's will, a document shrouded in secrecy and which contains a clause stating that anyone who challenges it will be disinherited. It further states that any heir that can spend $30 million dollars in 30 days will inherit a vast fortune; while this sounds easy, there are Byzantine rules governing the spending of the money that ensure anyone taking the challenge will be plunged into a wacky adventure in creative capitalism. [Variety]
· Sort-of-actor/sometime-director/kinda-writer Peter Berg is rewarded for not being particularly good at anything, landing a production deal for his Film 44 shingle with Universal. THR]
· Bravo goes trulydeeplybatshit insane for reality programming, announcing new shows The Daily News (about the prolonged pissing match between tabloids the NY Daily News and the NY Post), The Real Housewives (about a cynical attempt to capitalize on ABC's huge hit), and Battle of the Network Reality Stars (about the final and total destruction of Western culture). But if they decide to do another season of Project Greenlight, all is forgiven. [Variety]
· Antonio Banderas and Jennifer Lopez will star in the indie thriller Bordertown, two actors equally confounded by the prospect of reciting their lines in the English language. [THR]
· 800-pound reality gorillas Mark Burnett and Endemol USA vote agencies CAA and William Morris (respectively) off the money-island. Also, torches snuffed, "you're fired," etc etc. [THR]
· Fox manages to hold on to at least one Berman. [Variety]

American Idol's producers are getting serious about the allegations that perpetually opinion-free host Paula Abdul engaged in an inappropriate game of "hide the microphone" with a former contestant, i.e., they're "looking into" it:

Don't get any crazy ideas now, this isn't a date. He's just gonna do their hair, maybe pitch in with the makeover a little. We hear he's a wizard with the seaweed wrap.

l

The blog For No Good Reason imagines the rewrites that ultimately resulted in Sean Penn's opening scene* in The Interpreter, in which Penn's character pounds a drink in a bar and meaningfully drops his wedding ring in the empty glass, letting us all know that this is a Troubled Man with Emotional Baggage that will Come Into Play as the movie progresses. Also, he may Have A Buzz On:

· Earlier, when we said Jake Gyllenhaal was out walking his dog and unavailable to hold forth on Israeli-Palestinian relations, we were kidding. Of course we knew he's up in Alaska Canada with Salma Hayek and talking global warming with the Inuits!
· Steven Spielberg does his best to invalidate his work on this year's summer blockbuster: " "I have to certainly believe what my heart tells me. That the first time there is a meeting of the minds between extraterrestrials and human beings, it's going to be friendly."
· Just this one time, copycat lawsuits sound like a really, really good idea, at least if they'll prevent a second season.
· "Eight years of blow." Chris Kattan's career, explained! [fifth item]
· Can't anyone on Craigslist try to get laid without turning it into an acting audition?

· NPR sweetheart/essayist/Incredibles star Sarah Vowell takes on world-beating humorist juggernaut David Sedaris in a best-of-three-falls display of literary pugilism at UCLA's Royce Hall. Bring some kind of protective covering if you're sitting in the front rows—you wouldn't want your clothes ruined by an errant witticism.
· On a slightly angrier and spittle-flecked (but no less amusing) tip, The Daily Show's Lewis Black will sign his book Nothing Sacred at Book Soup.
· A reader suggested this name for the music round-up, so here goes for one day only:
'Lil Nubbins: Damon & Naomi with Timonium at Spaceland; The Vacation hit up the Silverlake Lounge; Unsane have their CD release party at the Knitting Factory, where everyone who ponies up the cover charge gets a copy of their new CD.