Whether you blame fallout from the Ovitz trial, new corporate crackdowns on irresponsible spending, or Tom Cruise's wishes to further enrich the Church of Scientology, holiday swag levels are down (and bitching about reduced gift-giving is up in direct proportion). Whatever the reason, no one in Hollywood wants to admit to getting cheap as Christmas approaches. Notes Variety:

While we're trying to figure out if actress Natasha Lyonne is still alive and, more importantly, if she has a publicist, a reader disputes the veracity of the Natasha-in-jail claim:

Sightings are sent in by readers; send yours to tips@gawker.com.

This The Apprentice-parodying holiday card from management/production company Benderspink displays both the highly-attuned comic sensibility and red-hot trendspotting savvy that allowed the firm to shepherd cinematic delights like American Pie 2, American Wedding, and The Butterfly Effect into movie theaters. Next up: a feature-length adaptation of this card starring Seann William Scott as J.C. Spink (center, Trump wig) and Jason Biggs as Chris Bender (dressed as Raj, we think). You can click the image to see a larger version.

Gosh, we sure do love American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken and his army of irate and defensive fans Claymates. While we appreciate their suggestions that, instead of hating on Aiken, we "accept Jesus" into our hearts, we're not sure divine intervention would prevent us from covering newsworthy Aiken updates such as this tidbit regarding one John Dahlstrom, from email newsletter Gossiplist:

We're increasingly worried about the state of possibly troubled actress Natasha Lyonne. After calling every possible representative of Natasha, we still have no idea who's handling her shit. Now, having scored her father's email address, we're wondering if he's MIA as well, as we haven't heard from him:

Happy Lowest Common Denominator Day!

· Over three years later, publicist Lizzie Grubman has settled with the Conscience Point bouncer whom she called "white trash" before backing her SUV into a crowd of patrons. It reputedly only cost her a few grand. Good thing, too—now she's financially free to start that hot PR firm with hanger-on Jonathan Cheban. [Page Six]
· Actress Jennifer Aniston was spotted at LAX sans wedding rings. Coupled with the tabloid treatment of her marriage to Brad Pitt as being on the rocks, we figure...absolutely nothing. We have no idea what's going on. [R&M (3rd item)]
· Residents at Trump Parc Avenue are claiming that they're being harassed by crappy A/C and heating, dust, and broken elevators. [Lowdown]
· Lindsay Lohan ditches a fashion launch thingie to dine with ex-boyfriend Wilder Valderrama. Maybe HE was the one who found her wallet! [Page Six]

Before you snarf your office party egg nog all over the front of your red shirt in shock that Britney Spears' holiday card to her fans is [Ed .note—We can't believe we're going to say this.] classy, know this: Below the frame of the picture, the couple is naked from the waist down, standing barefoot in a filthy public restroom, and buried up to their knees in Cheetos. You can only see it if you peel off the green "Happy Holidays" sticker.

People send us the darnedest things:

Is there really any better time to market your "hot" new line of suits, your MP3 player, or your America magazine than at the premiere of a movie about pedophilia? We think not, and so we tip our hats to Roc-A-Fella Records' Damon Dash, who used the premiere of Kevin Bacon's new film The Woodsman (which he also, if not inexplicably, co-produced) to do exactly that. Dash hosted the after-party at his club NA, where he danced on the stage by himself and had his personal cinematographer record the spectacle (what, like you don't do that every weekend?). Meanwhile, Kevin Bacon (wearing one of Dash's new suits) was more interested in musing on the weighty issues that come with portraying a child molester, but that's a downer, right? Good thing Dash gave him some free tennis shoes to cheer him up.
Boldface Names [NYT]

If the rubber-hose beating of "year end/best of" lists has driven you into glazy submission, sharpen your eyes with a picturegram contest developed by Andrew Krucoff in honor of the ladies who make the gossip pages our first stop in the morning (well, first after the bathroom). Decipher these brainless teasers correctly and win a year's free access to every Gawker Media website!

· Saturday Night Live-er Horatio Sanz takes on a subject a little more wholesome (though probably less funny) than Mr. Limbaugh's Hillbilly Heroin addiction at Upright Citizen's Brigade tonight, where he performs his "Old Timey Radio Christmas Special." [UCB]
· Remember Billionaires for Bush? Those clever little crooners who sang ironic pro-Bush songs at every single Democratic rally this summer? Yeah, someone should probably go tell them to SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY BECAUSE KERRY LOST before they perform at Galapagos in Williamsburg tonight. Sorry to snap, we're still hurting. [Galapagos]
· Blogs dead to you? Us too. Looking for something new to crown as the "it" gadget of 2005? Head on over to the "Winter Show" of the Tisch School's Interactive Telecommunications Program. [Tisch]

We'd expected as much, but Citysearch makes it official: A night with a rubbery chili dog is just as satisfying as one with Ashton Kutcher's pals and their overpriced sushi.

I had no choice, really: our interns were unavailable (and, as of now, so fired), so someone had to venture to the Meatpacking District on Friday night to cover supermodel Maggie Rizer s (pictured above) First Annual Holiday Hop at Glo. Never mind my pneumonia or the fact that I needed three tablets of codeine to get out of the apartment; no, I had a duty to report, and, with the help of photographer Nikola Tamindzic, report I did.

'Tis the season for extravagant socialite parties masked as charity events! The Yuletide, for example, is a black-tie charity ball hosted at private club the Heights Casino, for which committee ladies plan months in advance. And, as always, the fashion choices are of paramount importance. Two ladies-who-lunch discuss the issue over email:

· NYT Paris bureau head Elaine Isoline has refused to rent her 4500 square-foot house to first daughter Jenna Bush and friends. How cruel; what kind of lessor doesn't like vomit on her floors? [R&M]
· R&B sex addict Usher's romance with violent supermodel Naomi Campbell may be no more. Apparently, Usher's people were too controlling of Naomi and, as we all know, you can't just tame a beast of her ilk. [Page Six]
· None too surprisingly, an Islamic sex column is not well received. [Lowdown]
· Survivor contestant Jenna Lewis' isn't genuinely upset about the release of a "private" sex tape. She actually leaked the video and has profited quite nicely. When our illicit sex tapes aren't even pure, is nothing sacred? [Gatecrasher]
· Actor Benicio del Toro likes 'em young, but at least they're legal. He's reportedly "in love" with mactress Sara Foster, which means they're probably doing it in an elevator at the Chateau Marmont RIGHT NOW. [ELK]
· Lucky Cheng's, the East Village drag queen-ery, has been completely omitted from Zagat's restaurant guide after some scathing reviews. [Page Six]

Gay New York is a many-horned (or is it horny-manned?) beast, but the scene's habitats are slowly becoming endangered. It's the oldest, most familiar tale in New York, but baby strollers—those awful by-products of unprotected sex—have slowly pushed gay strongholds from the West Village to Chelsea and all the way to Hell's Kitchen. (With a little more fucking and domesticating, straights could back them into a corner of Inwood Park.) To better understand the refuges of the "real men," we turn to Village Voice's Michael Musto, lifelong resident of NYC and resident expert on gay nightlife. He navigates us through the wilds of what he calls "Chelsea's last gasp" and the Jersey weeds who have sucked the Saturday nightlife from it. Andrew Krucoff and photographer Nikola Tamindzic report on the homoerotic fray.

Friday:
· Ronnie Spector, former lead Ronette and ex-Mrs. Phil Spector, headlines the appropriately-titled Ronnie Spector s X-mas Party at BB King tonight. Good thing the Christmas carols didn t change while she was locked in her house all those years. [BB King]
Saturday:
· Songstress Joanna Newsom brings her new American folk sound to Bowery Ballroom tonight. For some reason, she also requests that attendees wear a sweater with a knit cap or scarf, please. Make of that what you will. [BB]
Sunday:
· Hmm the city streets seem a little bit less packed with Christmas shopping gays and the girls and boys who love them. Wonder why? Oh, shit! The Scissor Sisters are playing at Hammerstein. That about explains it. [MusicToday]
· If Carol Burnett fucked South Park, their beautiful offspring would look something like the Jack Mackeral Show. Or so we re told. See for yourself at 7pm at the 55 Bar on Christopher Street.

· Women's Wear Daily hits a Memo Pad trifecta: Kevin Federline will be sullying up Details, Melania Knauss will be sullying up Vogue, and Bravo will be sullying up the Daily News' offices while shooting a documentary. [WWD]
· The shack that inspired the B-52 song Love Shack has burnt down; arson is suspected. We're tired of the song too, but this strikes us an extreme reaction. [BBC]
· We don't even know what to say about this video, but we really can't look away from anyone calling themselves Boyoboyo. [Ignited Minds]
· Trading Spaces' Paige Davis hits the sex tape circuit? [CNDB via Goldenfiddle]