After some SNL lip-syncing and a notoriously bad Orange Bowl performance, Ren e Graham at the Boston Globe blesses us all with a lengthy analysis of the "alarmingly untalented" Ashlee Simpson and her remarkably creepy father, Joe Simpson. A sampling:

"As for a certain wildly overexposed socialite, in solidarity with Daily News columnist LLOYD GROVE, I vow to never mention her again, even if she cures cancer. I'm willing to take crazy chances like that."
- Michael Musto, La Dolce Musto, Village Voice, Jan. 11, 2005.

Now that "music channel" VH1 has clearly become cable television's version of the Fox network, they've embraced the lowest common denominator with their latest season of The Surreal Life. Hurrah! If seeing professional tiny man Verne Troyer pull out his precious little penis and drain his eensy-weensy bladder wasn't disturbing enough, the pervs at Reality Blurred have taken note that the original winner of America's Next Top Model, Miss Adrianne "Doomed To Obscurity" Curry, went so far as to bear her naked nether regions in the name of serving sushi. Yeah, we don't really understand what the hell happened either, but we don't think Tyra Banks is too proud of her proteg .
Did The Surreal Life 4 Show Adrianne Curry's Genitals, And What's With Chyna's? [Reality Blurred]

Otherpeoplesblogs snaps a couple of pictures of this billboard physically located near the intersection of Sunset and Highland, and metaphysically situated at the intersection of "writerly desperation" and "too much money lying around." Wouldn't it have been cheaper to hire a dozen hookers wearing sandwich boards detailing his pitch to camp out in front of NBC's offices in Burbank? And why is he trying to reinvent the billboard-promotion wheel? It's a well-established fact that you need an image of yourself getting blown to generate any kind of buzz for your project.

We have no idea how Garry Shandling materialized on hipster party photo site The Cobra Snake, but this tableaux feels like a transmission from an alternate universe, where the trucker hat set and Botox aficionados from the westside can coexist peacefully. Adding to our disquietude is the unshakeable feeling that the young lady's finger is being prepped for a collision with Shandling's nipple, which is afforded virtually no protection by his half-unbuttoned shirt. (For the love of God, please don't make us think about where that thumb is going in the next frame.)

We think it's really sweet that Badgley Mischka added a second dimension to the Bush twins when sketching out their gown designs.
Sensationally Dressed For The Inauguration [USA Today]

Rapper Ol' Dirty Bastard (n e Russell Jones) may be gone, but his memory lives on. The New Yorker introduces us to a different Russell Jones, a 44 year-old Park Slope man who's been receiving missplaced calls for O.D.B. since 1996:

Seventeen magazine is way smart, yo. They know that a lucrative 7 million girls suffer from eating disorders and of those girls, most will have succumbed to their illness before age 20. What luck that that sample of ladies happens to intersect with Seventeen's demographic. We're not preaching, mind you—except to the congregation of hot profits! Next month, after your remarkably vulnerable 13 year-old sister loses 10 pounds by following the mag's tips and tricks, Seventeen will show her how to use Crest Whitestrips after her post-meal bathroom sessions. Rad!
Seventeen

· Bass master Charlie Hunter, Soulive guitarist Eric Krasno, and DJ Logic mish-mash it up tonight at Tonic in the first of two back-to-back shows. [Tonic]
· Fat, drunk, and stoopid is no way to go through life, unless you're a frat boy in a Benoit Denizet-Lewis story. So get your lazy ass to the 92nd Street Y today, which is holding an open house at its health and fitness center complete with fitness and flexibility assessments and blood-pressure screenings. [ToNY]
· MoMa screens some lesser-known work of avant-garde filmaker and Dartmouth dropout Stan Brackhage as part of its "Shorts" series. $10 bucks (not quite sure if that's in addition to the entry fee); 6:15pm. [MoMA]

We know we often trumpet the dangers of reading actual books, but we're going to make an exception for an upcoming tome by the one and only Star Jones. Yes, our favorite website-owner and bridal beast is going to help women everywhere learn to find love. A sampling of the unintentionally-hilarious press release:

"Choose your street with 'Canyon' in the name, and that likely has been impacted by mud."
— Brian Humphrey, Los Angeles Fire Department spokesman

To: Signers of this petition

John Logan, the A-list screenwriter growing so powerful that his agents wrangled him a contract provision stating he'd receive the sole screenplay credit on The Aviator, offers some helpful tips on how to survive the business in the NY Times:

Many of us are only now starting to feel the impact of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston's historic break-up. A reader questions reality itself, obviously grasping for the straws of meaning that are so elusive during the inevitable denial stage resulting from such a profound loss:

Sightings are sent in by readers; send yours to tips@gawker.com.

Is your New Year's resolution to become a sitcom writer this year? Everyone knows that writing a sitcom is the best thing you can do with your Harvard education. (We're not snobs: it's also great for those in the lesser Ivies like Barnard.) Plus, it's a great way to make friends.

· Everyone, pay attention: socialite Charlotte Freund is our next patron saint "It-ish" girl. While in Miami, the former flame of Nicky Hilton's cast-off hubby, Todd Meister, ditched her serious boyfriend (who happens to be a baron of something) for actor John Stamos. We love and respect her blatant disregard for sanity and thus accept her with open arms. [ELK]
· Usher is dangerously close to getting his ass kicked by Naomi Campbell. While the supermodel thinks she and the R&B star are still an item, Usher is behaving like a single man. [Gatecrasher]
· Actress Nicole Kidman complains about studios not letting her go skydiving or whatnot, but she's not letting them hold her down. You guessed it: Kidman is heading to Indonesia for some tsunami relief. [R&M (2nd item)]
· Restaurateur Keith McNally goes apeshit on his former chef de cuisine at Pastis, Sascha Lyon, who was spotted eating and talking to former coworkers at McNally's Balthazar post. Rampant unprofessionalism ensues. [Page Six]
· Sarah Jessica Parker will be skipping the Golden Globes, so some Desperate Housewives star can inevitably win in peace. [Lowdown (2nd item)]

In our ongoing effort to keep you abreast of all things Tara Reid (yuk, yuk), we thought maybe we could focus on her "career" beyond the banquettes of Marquee. As you may or may not remember, Tara Reid is technically an actress—at least moreso than Paris Hilton is an "author." With that in mind, let's get collectively excited for Tara's upcoming feature, Alone in the Dark. The film bears no resemblance to the 1982 flick also entitled Alone in the Dark, except that both films are scary as hell, albeit for different reasons:

Oh, and tens of thousands still dead from tsunami.

Friday:
· Shake it like you got it, baby: Brooklynites TV on the Radio open up for George Clinton and his merry band of funk crusaders tonight at the Brooklyn Academy of Music. [BAM]
· Underground theater artists enter the wonderful world of the mainstream at this weekend's Under the Radar performance festival in Brooklyn. We'd tell you who exactly was scheduled to perform but we don't quite recognize any of their names. But here's to hoping we will by Monday! [Arts at St. Ann's]
Saturday:
· It's your last chance to see all the pretty little landscapes of Dana Miller—her exhibit at Jen Bekman closes tonight at 6:00pm. [VV]
· The functioning and marginally functioning alcoholics of Sideways—Paul Giamatti, Thomas Hayden Church, Sandra Oh, and Virginia Madsen—all appear tonight at the Directors Guild Theater to discuss their indie hit. Wonder if they'll be serving any merlot. [MI]
Sunday:
· You got your NFL football playoffs for the straights, and the "politically charged rock cabaret" (complete with cheerleading squad) of Bling Kong at Makor for the Gays. Take your pick. [92Y]