...the only way she knows how.
[Image via CollegeHumor]

· Lindsay Lohan, the miraculously shrinking teen queen, has been spotted around Tulane's bars doing some hard partying. Naturally, her rep claims those sightings are completely untrue. Which is funny, of course, because we might've had some emails ourselves about Lindsay being a little inebriated 'round there. Who knows?! Oh, you know you do. [Page Six]
· Barbara Corcoran, head of the evil realty group by the same name, has told her clones that real estate prices will increase by 25% this year, and that she's "never been wrong." Fucking hell. [R&M (bottom)]
· Nicole Kidman wishes she were a lesbian. We can help. [IOL]
· Are more publicist fleeing the PMK/HBH powerhouse since the axe was dropped on Leslee Dart? Cindy Berger, Robert Garlock, Jill Fritzo are rumored to be following Dart to her new firm, but PMK/HBH ruler Pat Kingsley is issuing the standard denial. But doesn't no mean yes with these people? [Page Six]
· Hip-Hop mogul Russell Simmons will save us all with a downward-facing dog pose. To prove his point, he's launching a celebrity-studded infomercial on the benefits of yoga. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
· The Brad and Jen analysis continues, as a grieving public tries to figure out what went wrong. [Ted Casablancas]
· Babs: still humping after all these years. [Page Six]

Ebay is the unlikely vehicle for an aspiring novelist's harrowing (but still funny) tale of being mugged at 5:30 PM in Brooklyn. (Isn't Craig's List the preferred website for these sorts of narratives?) Here's the story in a nutshell, after the jump.

We knew tsunami relief would be hot, so Gawker Media planned ahead and sent three cases of Dos Equis and our old Big Mouth Billy Bass to Banda Aceh. We felt that we were doing the best we could to help out, but now we're both shamed and upstaged by the New York's nightlife overlords. They're just so pretty, dammit, and we can't compete:

· The late famed sculptor Isamu Noguchi said, "It is space itself which gives validity to sculpture—beyond objects there is always the situation, the time, the performer and the spectator. All are in re-alignment...in constant flux." Dude must have smoked a lot of weed. In any case, spatical issues such as this are discussed tonight at the "Conversations on Art: Movement in Uncommon Spaces" discussion at the Whitney. [Whitney]
· Kate Walbert's latest book, "Our Kind," was nominated for the 2004 National Book review. Her literati pedigree (her fiction has been published in the Times and the Paris Review) backs that shit up, yo. Well, maybe not the Times part, but still. She appears tonight at Lolita as part of the Cupcake reading series. [Cupcake]
· "So Jealous", from Canadian idential twin duo Tegan and Sara, was named one for Rolling Stones' "Top 50 Albums of 2004." We all know better than to trust Rolling Stone on any matters musical, but these cute lesbians rock. 10:30pm at Bowery Ballroom. [flavorpill]

Forget about how and why the majority of the country voted last November. Bravo's Queer Eye is certain we still have a noncommunicable case of HomoFever, and the network is feeding that illness with an expansion of their popular series. Like a relief effort for all those straight women who have never had a soft, gay hand to lead them in the right fashion direction, Queer Eye for the Straight Girl premieres tonight. Yesterday afternoon, Gawker's Andrew Krucoff and photographer Eliot Shepard checked out the scene at the show's party at the Time Warner Center. One thing is certain: we're all fag hags now.

The bard was right when he said, "Fame, ain't it a bitch."

[Jennifer] Lopez has never toured and rarely performs live. There are no details on the tour just yet, according to Lopez's label rep, but the singer said she envisions the outing as "just me doing my thing."

Scrubs star Judy Reyes is fed up with Hollywood's tendency to typecast Latinas as domestics, calling it "a phenomenon created by non-Latino people...whose experiences with Latinas are limited to conversations they’ve had with their maids." Hack screenwriters who've inflicted the likes of Maid on Manhattan on the world have been put on notice:

We usually leave this stuff to our D.C.-based sister, but we couldn't pass up telling you that Kid Rock has been dropped from playing at the Bush inauguration.

New York Social Diary, the delightfully-complicated log of socialite life as told by David Patrick Columbia, addresses the issue of Fabian Basabe, in light of his straight-n-earnest wedding to Martina Borgomanero. But what does Columbia think of Basabe The Man? In a recent entry, Columbia writes:

Breaking new ground in pseudo-luxury cross-promotional co-branding for the MBA-set, Donald Trump is teaming up with Carnival Cruise Lines for Trump World Magazine and Expedia's The Apprentice Legend Cruise. Like business catchphrases and watching the sunset on the ocean? Then have we got a cruise for you from September 26-October 4.

We were totally aroused when we heard someone referred to as "Big Unit" had arrived in New York; then we realized it was just new Yankee pitcher Randy Johnson and lost interest. But when Randy Johnson reacted like a puss in the face of media attention, we knew he just might be that special sort of new guy who keeps us entertained AND horrified at the same time! Coming to Randy's rescue is the pearl of the PR industry, Lizzie Grubman, who has some advice:

· Donald Trump's wedding to Melania Knauss at his Mar-a-Lago estate promises to be every bit as bombastic as we'd expect. Foodie god Jean-George Vongerichten will be catering free of charge in a specially-built ballroom, but that's not enough to lure ex-wives Ivana Trump and Marla Maples to the ceremony. [Page Six]
· Is Ashley Olsen heading down the wrong path? The wide-eyed twin and friends reportedly destroyed a room at the Beverly Hills Hotel during a holiday party. This is disturbing—any young Hollywood girl would know that room-trashing is to be done at the Sunset Marquis. [Lowdown]
· American Idol loser and professional Child Hater Clay Aiken won't speak to the gay press. Gee, we wonder why! [Page Six]
· The latest report in the Paris Hilton Bodily Fluid Watch: she's now hooking up with Greeks, having been spotted with Paris Latsis in Gstaad and Chris Contogouris around NYC. [R&M (last item)]
· Britney Spears continues to write letters, the latest being to Christina Aguilera about how pretty Aguilera looks lately. Very sly, Brit, very sly. [Scoop]

Hey, remember Rodney Rothman? You know, the former Late Show with David Letterman writer who briefly created a splash in 2000 when he penned an article for The New Yorker called "My Fake Job" that had him wandering into a dot-com in the death throes and just sort of hanging out and pretending to work there. The article was optioned before it even hit the newsstands! Dave Eggers included it in 2002 edition of The Best American Nonrequired Reading. Rodney was set.

· People's Choice Awards attendee or Star Wars character?
· Enjoy this highly fictionalized, but still highly entertaining, account of a party at Asia Argento's old place in Venice. We always suspected she played the theremin.
· We know that brother blog Gizmodo only jokingly refers to these pics of the brand-spanking-new Mac mini and iPod Shuffle as "porn," but we still can't shake the feeling people are touching themselves while browsing through them.
· Federline...a new scent by Britney Spears.
· Looking to pick up a nightclub on the way home from work? If you've got a million bucks in your Escalade, you can (probably) have Ivar.

· It doesn't get more self-referential than this: BB King plays at, um, BB King tonight. [BB King]
· Actress/author Carrie Fisher reads from her new Hollywood satire, The Best Awful, at Coliseum Books, 6:00pm. Princess Leia groupies, stay at home: the event description explicitly states that "no Star Wars memorabilia will be signed." [Coliseum]
· C Rayz Walz, Rob Sonic, Hangar 18, and the rest of the Def Jux backpacker crew take the stage tonight at Mercury Lounge. No dancing—head-nodding only, please. [flavorpill]

· The Mac Mini is unveiled and it's pornrageous. [Gizmodo]
· Fashion king (or queen) Mr. Blackwell releases his Worst-Dressed list. Nicolette Sheridan and Lindsay Lohan predictably come in first and second, respectively. [NBC4]
· We don't think Ed2010 is the best newsletter either, but ranting on Craigslist isn't going to solve anything. [Craigslist]
· Is the NineElevenster networking site an offensive satire of Friendster? Maybe. Is it serious? Most definitely not. [NineElevenster]
· Blog TVNewser scores an interview with CBS Senior VP for Standards Linda Mason. [TVNewser]
· Having a Korean Name But Not Being One Bit Asian: B- [BlackTable]
· After over 24 hours on his front page, Drudge finally removes the naked prisoner pyramid image. [Drudge]

Shadowy fashion player-hater Mr. Blackwell has emerged from his stylish groundhog hole to issue his 45th annual "Worst Dressed" list. (That's right, he's been at this long enough to bore our grandparents with his catty nonsense.) This year's picks are like taking a jackhammer to a bag of paralyzed kittens, as Nicolette Sheridan (she wins, she wins!), Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton (everyone together now: She wears clothes?), Britney Spears, and Paul Abdul all feel the sassy sting of his superannuated tongue. While we'd love to ignore all of this dirty business and return to important work of analyzing Brad and Jen's break-up, we do feel compelled to defend one of Blackwell's victims. He probably thought that Serena Williams showed up to every movie premiere draped in the same hairy, fleshy cape, but that was just boyfriend Brett Ratner hugging her during the red carpet photo ops.

While Diane Sawyer cradles Thai children and Brian Williams sleeps in a Banda Aceh spiderhole, Joan Rivers reports on which celebrity couple should be the next to break up. We're proud of Joan for playing it cool in the face of tragedy.
Chaos On 6th Avenue [Towleroad]