Over Superbowl weekend, traditionally that time of the year when America's dads and sons come together to bond over potato skins and one of their few shared interests, the turbulent relationship between Ryan O'Neal and troubled offspring Griffin O'Neal reached all new lows. Early Saturday morning, shortly after Ryan returned to his Malibu home from a "Happy 60th Birthday/Ridding Yourself of Cancer" party for his ex-wife Farrah Fawcett, a visit paid by Griffin turned violent, resulting in the elder O'Neal being arrested for assault with a deadly weapon and negligent discharge of a firearm. Ryan has since told the LAT that he wouldn't have had to fire the gun in the vicinity of his son and son's pregnant girlfriend if Griffin hadn't decided to let a swinging fireplace poker do his talking for him:

In November 2005, Juan Anderson, a Mastro's valet, filed suit against Omar Sharif, claiming the actor called him a "stupid Mexican" when he refused to accept Euro notes as payment, then smacked him repeatedly over the head with a closed fist. TMZ reports that Tuesday, Mr. Anderson will see his day in court:

Despite his ophidiphobic nephew's insistence that his uncle had merely accidentally tapped some underage boob at a promotional appearance in Colorado, a preliminary hearing has ruled that Vincent 'Don Vito' Margera will be going to trial:

You may recall the Lane Garrison accident from early December. By way of utterly depressing review: the former Prison Break actor made some teenage friends at a Beverly Hills grocery store one Saturday night, accompanied them to a house party, allegedly downed several shots of vodka, then later struck a tree with them in his SUV, injuring two and killing Beverly Hills High School student Vahagn Setian. A press conference held by Beverly Hills police today delivered the results of their investigation, including three separate charges, listed in decreasing order of fucked to fuckedest:

Perhaps Sacha Baron Cohen should have been more specific during his Golden Globes acceptance speech—not about Ken Davitian's rancid pocket of taint air, about which he was entirely too specific, but rather with regards to his comments thanking "every American who has not sued me so far." The heartfelt show of gratitude forgot all those international Borat audiences who might also have considered and rejected seeking damages, such as the Israeli comedian currently mulling a lawsuit over Cohen's adoption of his "wa-wa-wee-wa" catchphrase:

A former NBC Universal treasurer is free on a $250,000 bond after pleading not guilty to charges he fleeced the company of over $800,000 in champagne wishes and caviar dreams:

In what will surely go down as a black day for members of Hollywood's scenewhore elite who have found themselves on the wrong side of the law, Joe Francis—the world's foremost titty-flashing co-ed talent scout—has received a harsher community service sentence for failing to properly document his subjects' ages than his lawyers had bargained for:

Paris Hilton, whose spotless track record and meticulously managed public persona came tumbling down around her when she received a DUI in September, has entered a plea of no contest in her drunk-driving case:

Chapter headings continue to pile-up for the yet-to-be-written bestseller entitled My Nightmare Year: How I Lost a Son, Gained a Daughter, and Found True Love, by Anna Nicole Smith (as told to a ReganBooks-appointed ghostwriter). The Bahamian inquest into the death of her son is set for March 26. TMZ reported earlier this week that 20 witnesses, including Smith and Howard K. Stern, are being called to testify, and that another will testify they saw Stern give Daniel the methadone that killed him, then "[flush] the remaining methadone down the toilet after Daniel died." Now, a Bahamian law firm Smith hired shortly after the death to handle her affairs is suing her for their fees:

After considering the evidence presented to him by a police investigation, the Bahamas' Chief Magistrate has decided that not nearly enough has been done to turn the overdose death of Daniel Smith into a three-ring, media-accessible circus. A formal inquiry has therefore been scheduled for March 27, where his mother Anna Nicole Smith will likely be called to the stand to answer lingering questions of the, "What the fuck was your child doing popping methadone like they were Altoids?" variety:

Newsweek got its hands on the crucial "confession" chapter of If I Did It, the kiboshed publishing fiasco that allegedly contained O.J. Simpson's answer to the $880,000 question of how he might have executed the murders of his ex-wife and her friend Ronald Goldman. (Not obtained were the heavily padded book's other, less controversial chapters, such as "Quick n' Easy Dinners for the Bachelor Dad," and "Lower Your Handicap the O.J. Way!") Newsweek reporter Mark Miller, who covered the original trial, summarizes O.J.'s account:

Michael Jackson has racked up a considerable bill at Beverly Hills' famous Mickey Fine pharmacy over the years—over $100,000, and that doesn't even include high-end embalming fluid costs. Tired of having Jackson respond to their repeated requests to pay his tab with a faint, high-pitched, "Oh, I'm sorry. My checkbook's in the car. Ill be right back!" moments before the ticka-ticka sound of high heels carried him out the door and away in a speeding limo, the pharmacy is now suing Jackson for monies owed:

Behold the slow-spinning wheels of Island Justice, as an investigation by the Bahamian police department into the fatal overdose of Anna Nicole Smith's 20-year-old son Daniel back in September has at last been presented to the D.A's office, bringing them that much closer to a decision over whether or not a formal inquest into the death will be necessary. Director of Public Prosecutions Bernard Turner defends the delay:

The sands are draining from the hourglass counting down Anna Nicole Smith's last few days before a court-ordered paternity test determines who really fathered Dannielynn, her earmarked-for-doom infant daughter. With feasible options quickly running out—one ill-conceived plan involved rolling Howard K. Stern into the testing center in a giant baby carriage, disguised in a pink onesie with a baseball-sized binky in his mouth—Smith is now resorting to creative accounting to make sure former boyfriend Larry Birkhead gets nowhere near the J. Howard Marshall inheritance money she's still fighting for in court. Reports The Scoop:

While the birth father of Madonna's catalog-ordered Malawi orphan may have recently expressed frustration that, since parting with his son, he has received not so much as a postcard of Big Ben reading, "Dear Ex-Daddy: My new daddy Guy can play bagpipes and drives an Aston Martin! Love, David," he may be comforted by the findings of the Malawian child welfare ministry, whose initial assessment of Madonna during her 18-month trial period came back with a gold star:

Angela Borlaza, Marlon Brando's chief assistant and homemaker during his final years, has settled her lawsuit claiming she was locked out of his room in the days before his death so that producer Mike Medavoy and others could coerce a signature from the legend giving them full rights to develop his Tahitian estate into a resort. She also claimed she was wrongly evicted from the San Fernando Valley home she says was a gift from her former boss. Reports the LAT:

A Los Angeles judge has put a deadline on the paternity test that would determine once and for all who is the natural father of Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern, the last good thing to happen to Anna Nicole Smith before her life turned into a nightmarish blur of toxicology reports and Bahamian compound evictions. Anna Nicole has until January 23 to submit the baby to testing, according to ex-boyfriend Larry Birkhead's attorney. Smith, of course, has been insisting all along that the child belongs to longtime lawyer and suspicious satellite presence Howard K. Stern, the man, according to sworn testimony, about whom Smith once said, "EWWW...GROSS!!! No way!! I would never [date him]!'" only to later take his hand in non-legally-binding marriage shortly after her son's methadone-induced death. Now that a deadline is set, we can finally look forward to seeing some sort of resolution regarding the persistent ex-boyfriend vs. creepy lawyer babydaddy scenario, and with the amazing recent advancements in modern genetic testing, not only will we know with certainty who sired the child, but exactly what Anna Nicole secured in the verbal barter that immediately precedes any of her romantic transactions.

· Last celeb DUI of the year: Mike Tyson takes the current trend of mug shot flippancy to its logical conclusion. Either that, or he was so coked out, he was chewing on his own tongue.
· Oh come off it, Ryan Seacrest. We know who you really want to kiss.
· TVGasm's J-Unit weighs the pros and cons of your two stay-at-home New Year's Eve options.
· Julia Roberts is pregnant. Thank God—we were concerned her twins would grow up as only children.
· Bryan Singer is nothing if not a hands-on director.
· You don't want to scare Tyrone.
· Sometimes, it's difficult to see the obvious signs that your relationship isn't working out. This short film might help.

Larry Birkhead, the photographer who has had sex with Anna Nicole Smith on multiple occasions and is seemingly OK with the world knowing this, has won a major legal victory: An LA Superior Court judge has ruled in favor of subjecting mama's little miracle, baby Dannielynn, to DNA testing in order to determine who is the child's natural father. From the AP report:

With precious few hours until we kick off for our Christmas vacation, we never expected that the Celebrity DUI Gods would send down yet another drunk-driving mugshot for our amusement, but they've just delivered the gift of this Gus Van Sant (Good Will Hunting, Gerry, the Kurt Cobain one) photo through their chosen vessels at The Smoking Gun. The Portland Mercury's Blogtown PDX fleshes out the arrest story with a police official's description of Van Sant, who was driving his Porsche SUV without his headlights on and burned some rubber at a red light: "He had glassy, watery, red eyes, slurred speech, and smelled strongly of alcohol." Unfortunately for the director, recent Drunken Famous Person Mugshot Hall of Fame inductee Rip Torn's playful jailhouse modeling session set the bar impossibly high for his peers, making Van Sant's effort seem all the more uninspired and dour. If there's one lesson Torn has taught us, it's to reclaim one's boozy dignity by having some fun with a potentially embarrassing situation.