Former Prison Break actor Lane Garrison, who, we think it's safe to say, is probably having a worse year than you, found out the charges being filed against him for accidentally killing a teen after plowing his SUV into a tree while allegedly impaired by a generous, Beverly Hills high school party-sized serving of Grey Goose and blow. Reports the LAT:
Madonna has been maximizing her time spent in L.A. by making multiple trips to the Kabbalah Centre, family in tow, for various Purim celebrations and lectures about the latest hi-tech advancements in evil-eye-warding fabrics. But paparazzi captured the singer driving off from once such visits with recently absconded Malawian demi-orphan David Banda seated in her lap, and not safely secured in a rear-facing car seat, putting her in the same, baby-endangering league as Britney Spears:
If you awoke today to find an eerie hush having fallen across the land, and the morning drive unsettlingly devoid of other commuters, fret not—the apocalypse is not yet upon us. One of its more significant, prophesied signs, however, is. ("And she shall come down from Mexia, bedding men of all ages; and she shall plug diet pills; and she shall lose one child and birth another, immaculately; and a former Guns n' Roses guitarist shall see her into Heaven." Trimspa 6:18 ) At this moment, Anna Nicole Smith's remains are parked outside Mount Horeb Baptist Church in Nassau, awaiting her long overdue funeral; if you are not doing so already, get thee immediately to nbc6.net's live feed (a reportedly $5000 investment that quickly pays for itself in emotional dividends), where you can telerelay your final respects. Goodbye, America's fun, busty, methadone-pickled rose.
When Paris Hilton threw herself on the mercy of the court back in January, Lady Justice looked sympathetically upon the wayward heiress' DUI ways, sentencing the preeminent area flashbulb-whore to 36 months of probation, reducible to 24 with optional community service. Sadly, Hilton's recidivist nature would prevent her from resisting the Call of the Strip, as she was stopped speeding on Sunset around 11 p.m. last night, with her headlights off and in possession of a suspended licence. The probation violation could result in the "Stars Are Blind" singer's next impromptu table-top performance occuring at a medium-security correctional facility dining hall near you:
In a National! Enquirer! Exclusive!, the pioneering periodical, which long ago perfected the winning tabloid formula of sketchily sourced celebrity exposés interspersed with white trash recipes, reports that the autopsy performed on Anna Nicole Smith revealed the cause of her death to be pneumonia. Drugs played a part only so much as the prescription meds she was washing down with contraband SlimFast shakes were masking the illness's potentially fatal symptoms:
In the off chance you haven't been furiously clicking the refresh button on your browser for the past hour or tuned into CNN's round-the-clock coverage, we thought we'd update you on the latest developments in the Anna Nicole Smith body custody trial, wherein a seemingly pre-menstrual Circuit Judge Larry Seidlin delivered a weepy-yet-wise ruling that awarded Anna Nicole to none of the major players, but to Dannielynn's guardian, thereby bringing her daughter that much closer what every little five-month-old girl wants: The rapidly deteriorating remains of their birthing vessel:
As Virgie Arthur, Larry Birkhead, and Howard K. Stern have it out in a Broward County Circuit Court in Fort Lauderdale over the fate of Anna Nicole Smith's estate, baby, and rapidly decomposing remains, one person who can stay silent no longer is Kimmie Walther, who won our hearts as a regular fixture on The Anna Nicole Show with a combination of her butch charms and unflappable loyalty to her boss, as demonstrated by the Anna Nicole tattoo etched on her arm. On kimberlywalther.com, Kimmie rails against who is emerging as the real villain of this tale, hurling a list of questions and accusations at Smith's former puppeteer/lawyer/non-binding life partner:
Michelle Rodriguez, who last year found her Lost character falling victim to a network-president-ordered /showrunner-sanctioned hit, is no stranger to the wrong side of the law, having served time both in LA and Hawaii for various well-publicized DUI offenses. "But what's her side of the story?" you've not likely asked yourself. The Lost Blog guides us to Rodriguez's own site, where she finally opens up about the rough justice she suffered at the hands of the corrupt American penal system that forced her to do 4 hours and 27 minutes of a 60-day sentence. It's all in there: The cockroach droppings! The alcohol-sensing robo-bracelet! The disparity between TV and film payscales! Read on, if you dare:
The spectacle of Anna Nicole Smith's death may one day become the source material for a hit megamusical, peopled with a colorful cast of characters that includes newly materialized long-lost relatives, horny Bahamian immigration ministers, flamboyant entertainment medicine practitioners, nervous diet pill executives, and a massive chorus of potential babydaddies. Right now, however, there's nothing hummable at all about the ugly tug-of-war underway for Smith's estate, a legal nightmare that the court-ordered release of her 2001 will has done little to clarify:
Those duped Borat movie frat boys have been dealt yet another massive blow in their ongoing legal battle against the makers of the film. Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Joseph Biderman—the same judge who tossed their motion to have the scene featuring their bonehead pronouncements on women, Jews, and slavery nostalgia cut from the movie's DVD release—has now rejected their case outright, THR Esq. is reporting, in a legal decision that might affect the outcome of the scores of other victim/stars hoping to make benefit of glorious lawsuit settlement:
· TMZ got their hands on a mindblowing document: Quethlie Alexis, Smith's Bahamian nanny, testified in a sworn affidavit that she was ordered to underfeed Dannielynn because Anna Nicole was "obsessed with making sure that her baby was 'sexy.'" She'd enforce the order by keeping the baby monitor on at all times. Also: She threatened to "shoot her" if the baby were to ever call Alexis "Mummy." Also: She tried to kill herself twice, once with a bottle of sleep aids, another by drowning herself in the pool. Also: Upon rescuing her from the pool, Stern said, "If anything happens to you, I would go to jail." Also: She was in all probability doing the Bahamian immigration minister six ways from Sunday. [TMZ]
· The ever helpful folks at ET/The Insider released some previously unseen footage from their exclusive first interview after Daniel died, in which a vengeful Anna Nicole hints at "stories" about "all the things [my mother] did to me." Apparently, she had the audacity to accuse Anna Nicole of being a drug user who put herself and her family at risk! [YouTube]
· Here's an unearthed video of Anna Nicole frolicking naked in a bathtub for an Italian journalist, rendered even more erotic by the automaton announcer narrating in German. Highlight: When she vacuum-seals her breasts in a shower curtain liner. Very NSFW. [DrunkenStepfather]
· Everything you didn't want to know about the current state of Anna Nicole's body: As a judge has granted Larry Birkhead's request to keep her body in Florida until accurate DNA testing occurred, she remains in refrigeration. Howard K. Stern and her mother want her released and embalmed as quickly as possible, for fear that "it will not be suitable for viewing or funeral purposes." [AP]
· And just as quickly, the judge changes his mind: Cleared for burial! [Extra]
· Hollywood Police Capt. Tony Rode has since deflected all inquiries back to Seminole PD, saying "This investigation belongs to the Seminole Police Department. You are looking at the extent of our role." If you're anticipating a botched, inept investigation, fear not: They own at least one helicopter! (But they are trying to unload it to the highest bidder.) [AP, SeminoleSheriff.org]
· Anna Nicole's "lifeless" body, reports TMZ (guess she's still dead!), is currently being held at the Florida morgue, and mother Virgie Arthur wants to claim it as soon as possible for burial. But, they report, a tug-of-war is underway, as "Anna's people" (i.e. the Howard K. Stern camp) are trying to negotiate a deal with Larry Birkhead's lawyers: release your hold on the body, and get a DNA sample of Anna Nicole. The catch? No DNA sample of the baby. [TMZ]
· Bahamian Immigration Minister Shane Gibson response to allegations that he sped through Anna Nicole's citizenship application: "Absolutely not." He then spent the rest of Monday snuggling fully clothed in bed with every other applicant, to prove he shows no favoritism.
· Larry Birkhead says he attended infant-care classes on his own in anticipation of Dannielynn's birth, as well as baby CPR classes, in case "there was an emergency." [NY Daily News]
Much has been made of a photo revealing Anna Nicole Smith's final refrigerator contents—in particular a Costco-sized bottle of methadone and several cans of Slim-Fast meal replacement shakes. (The French's Worcestershire Sauce and spray-on butter sitting in the door were for some reason ignored, despite well-documented evidence that suggests they cause hearts to instantly explode when ingested together.) [CORRECTION: A representative from Reckitt Benckiser, the parent company of the French's brand of quality, heart-safe condiments, wrote in with this correction: " There is no such documented evidence." We regret this error, and promise that all future—and wholly inaccurate!—jokes involving Worcestershire sauce will be made at the expense of Lea & Perrins.] TrimSpa CEO Alex Goen—who hasn't been this fidgety since an interviewer called to find out who won that Viper in the Million Dollar Makeover Challenge—recently talked to Court TV about the mysterious death of their public face, Anna Nicole Smith:
· Virgie Arthur, Anna Nicole's mom and strong proponent of the "I think she had too many drugs" theory of death, arrived in the Bahamas today to explore all her "options" (translation: ask Bahamian authorities what, exactly, they know about this Howard K. Stern creep) with respect to her impending custody battle over Dannielynn. [TMZ, Extra]
· TMZ has saved us all the trouble of having to draft our own flow charts to figure out how much, if any, of J. Howard Marshall's billions might be coming Dannielynn's way. [TMZ]
· An L.A. judge rejected Larry Birkhead's request of an emergency DNA test on Anna Nicole's remains. His attorney claimed this was to prevent a "bait and switch" during paternity testing, but we suspect it has something to do with cloning another Anna Nicole. [Reuters]
· Speaking of Larry Birkhead, his website has a poetic tribute to her passing, in which we learn he called her his "sweet potato." [LarryBirkhead.net]
· TrimSpa is so beside themselves, they can barely eat. [TrimSpa]
· The AP provides a handy compendium of the legal messes she left behind. [AP]
· But what about the final, Z-movie performance? Illegal Aliens director David Giancola is "shell-shocked" at the news. Citizens of Johnstown, NY: We'd call ahead to see if that sneak preview at the mall is still happening. [ABCNews]
· Surprisingly, this unearthed 2004 photograph reveals that Marilyn Monroe held a fascination with the doomed, ditzy blonde bombshell. [EOnline]
· In a touching tribute to their future celebrity pupil, Anna Nicole's former high school teachers "vaguely recall the unspectacular student." [Reuters]
· Goodbye, Mexia's yellow rose...[YouTube]
As lawyers for Ryan and Griffin O'Neal continue to argue both sides of their "You got your pregnant girlfriends's eye in the way of your swinging fireplace poker!"/"No, YOU got your fist in the way of my pregnant girlfriend's face!" debate, comes a new wrinkle to this Malibu tragedy, involving yet another troubled member of Ryan's brood. According to TMZ.com, Ryan had returned from ex-wife Farrah Fawcett's birthday party to find his other son (with Fawcett), Redmond, tethered to the staircase by way of handcuffs around his ankles:
While his vastly more successful and less troubled brother Alec scoops up acting accolades at awards ceremonies around town, fascinating nature vs. nurture case study Daniel Baldwin's most notable recent projects remain limited to the sphere of crack-related run-ins with the law. Now, he can proudly add "fugitive experience" to his resume skills section, as a Newport judge has issued a warrant for his arrest for failing to show up to his arraignment for a car theft charge:
Into Anna Nicole Smith's ever-expanding accordion file of ongoing court dates and legal troubles, nestled next to tab headings "That Fuckhead Larry Birkhead," "Evictions: My Birthday Present Dream Home Edition," "Stuff the Bahamian Authorities Should Never, Ever Find Out About Daniel's Death," and "When Do I Get My Geezer-Banging Billions, Already?" comes yet another section, marked "Fat Chick Suing Me Cause Her TrimSpa Didn't Work Good":
BED, the New York club akin to an atmospherically lit Sit n' Sleep showroom and made famous in an episode of Sex and the City, played host to a bizarre accident Saturday night. Granville Adams, a manager at the club (and, strangely enough, an actor from yet another HBO series, Oz), brawled with a customer, hurtling him towards a set of elevator doors with enough force to open them and send him plunging four floors below:
