We have to admit, we thought that Nerve's "Sex Advice from Publicists" feature would be nothing but a string of sternly offered "No comments" and denials that the act of intercourse even exists. But in an apparent effort to humanize the profession, a couple of the publicists even gamely offer ways to get into their pants:
· More proof that if you pray hard enough, anything can happen: Chris Tucker will soon sign a two-picture, $40 million deal at New Line, finally allowing visionary director Brett Ratner the opportunity to be involved with a an aesthetic disaster that may not bomb. [Variety]
· Three of the four big broadcast networks form the TV Watch coalition, which will urge parents to stop their kids from watching "indecent" content before the government starts making those choices for everyone. [THR]
·Chappelle's Show premiere delayed indefinitely, etc etc, but Variety plays the "unspecified personal issues" card. (More on this later shortly—stay tuned.) [Variety]
· News Corp profits fall 8%, causing Rupert Murdoch to temporarily halt the installation of 24-karat gold urinals in the perfect replica of Australia he's building off the coast of Florida. [THR]
· Cameron Diaz will take a break from punching out paparazzi and bungee-jumping in Burma to help reverse the greenhouse effect to star in Nancy Meyers' Something's Gotta Give follow-up, Holiday. Who will save the planet now? [Variety]
A reader supping on the Sony lot sent in this pic from the commissary, prompting some concern. We know that buying up MGM probably used up all the change in the sofa, but who knew that Sony is so strapped for cash that they're rationing plastic utensils? Maybe if they can figure out a way to monetize the trysts being conducted on their property, they can restore the free-knife-and-fork utopia that their employees have come to know and love. In the meantime, all Sony staffers should pitch in to ameloriate these lean times and deposit their unused Saltines in the special receptacles by the door. Crackers don't grow on trees, people.
· Is all of this American Idol hubbub news, or just a ratings stunt devised for maximum sweeps impact? We suppose that depends on whether or not anal is involved. [Variety]
· Sure, you heard it here yesterday, but the "facts" are now in: Revolution embarks in a "new direction" without partner Todd Garner, i.e., a direction that includes making somewhat less risibly awful movies. [Variety]
· Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett are in negotiations to star in F. Scott Fitzgerald story adaptation The Curious Case of Benjamin Button for director David Fincher. We can't wait for the carefully-orchestrated release of photos from Pitt and Blanchett's inevitable, sex-soaked African safari shortly before the movie's release. THR]
· Super-publicist Leslee Dart gets three new flacks on board for her "Dart Group" venture. We're assuming that "The Fuck Pat Kingsley Group" was already taken. [Variety]
· Finding that buying the rights to ER from NBC to be needlessly complicated, ABC picks up 13 more episodes of Grey's Anatomy. [THR]
· The Sarah Michelle Gellar space meaningfully signs up for Warner Independent Picture's adaptation of the book A Girl's Guide to Hunting and Fishing. [THR]
We hate to interrupt anyone's late afternoon naps, but we've heard a rumor that Revolution Studios partner Todd Garner (pictured at left with Ice Cube, in happier times) is "resigning" his post ("ironic quotation marks" "ours," covering our bases for when more "facts" are "available") and likely taking the obligatory producing deal/demotion. Wow, was XXX: State of the Union that big of a bomb? "Curious timing." In any case, we trust that Revolution will overcome this bump in the executive road and keep dependably churning out lowbrow classics like Little Black Book, The New Guy, and our personal favorite, Tomcats.
· Identity theft happy fun time: A Time Warner security breach puts the personal info of 600,000 past and present employees at risk. The over-under on a massive class action lawsuit is two days, right about the time the first fake Ted Turner credit card is used to buy a 100-foot yacht. [Variety]
· Zach Braff, unafraid that potential co-star Amanda Peet has been tainted by her recent rom-co association with Ashton Kutcher, is in negotiations to star in the comedy Fast Track. Even better, it's for the brand-spanking-new WeinsteinCo, the new home of everyone's favorite employee-terrorizing brothers. [THR]
· Universal acquires the rights to memoir Around the World in 80 Dates and will produce with Reese Witherspoon, who will have first crack at starring in the movie version if she decides she'd finally like to stretch herself by starring in a romantic comedy. [Variety]
· DVD sales push studio profits up 9%, but if you're a writer, actor, or director reading this, lack of DVD sales threatens to bankrupt the entire entertainment industry—don't even think about getting a bigger share of residuals. [THR]
· Kingdom of Heaven writer William Monahan will attempt to construct a script for a Marco Polo movie in which it will not seem ridiculous that the explorer will be portrayed by Matt Damon. Good luck to you, sir. [Variety]
· Overseas audiences make Americans look discerning for a change, as XXX tops foreign box office. We never want to hear another word about our cultural wasteland from someone with a foreign accent again. [Variety]
· MTV, buzzless and hurtling towards the upfronts, quietly prays for Newlyweds to end in a climactic murder-suicide. [THR]
· Regency and 20th Century Fox Television sign Malcolm in the Middle writer Alex Reid to a "rich" two-year development deal. (Full disclosure: As an intern, we made coffee for Reid on numerous occasions and were never once doused with our poorly-brewed Folgers, even if some grounds got into the pot.) [Variety]
· TheFamily Guy's re-debut does some nice ratings, but the crazy bitches from Wisteria Lane still have their way with Nielsen families. [THR]
· Director Todd "Far From Heaven" Haynes nabs Cate Blachett, Colin Farrell, Adrien Brody, Richard Gere, Julianne Moore, and Charlotte Gainsbourg for his "unconventional" Bob Dylan biopic I'm Not There. [Variety]
· News your waiter can explain much more clearly than we can: Former AFTRA head Greg Hessinger starts today as CEO of SAG. [Variety]
After reading all of the glowing things about the publicist profession frequently featured in this space, you may be shocked—shocked!—to discover that many celebrity flacks are not universally worshipped by journalists. To wit, sister site Gawker solicited media types to submit their PR-related horror stories. Feel the love overflowing from this sampling of the wildly entertaining responses:
· Studios cross their fingers, hoping that releasing not-really-summer-blockbusters like Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and XXX: State of the Union in April will finally shake loose some more of this year's scant box office dollars. [Variety]
· "Maverick" director Steven Soderbergh signs a six-picture deal with Mark Cuban's 2929 Entertainment, which will attempt to destabilize the universe by releasing Soderbergh's independent movies simultaneously in theaters, on TV, and video. Don't worry, though, Ocean's Thirteen through Sixteen will still be released the old-fashioned way. [THR]
· The networks finally gave in to "peer pressure" and sacrificed valuable sweeps primetime slots to carry GWB's press conference, but they weren't happy about it. They cut away early to make sure the public didn't miss Trump and Paris Hilton's far more enlightening remarks on America. [Variety]
· One day, when nothing but radioactive cockroaches roam the earth, America's Funniest Home Videos and According to Jim will still get pick-ups for an additional season. [THR]
· Mos Def takes reckless chances with his acting career by agreeing to star opposite Bruce Willis in the cop drama 16 Blocks. [Variety]
Tomorrow, at their storied News Cafe, home to endless show-related promotions and lamely-themed meals, Fox employees will gather to give outgoing president Gail Berman a tearful goodbye as she departs for a job helping Brad Grey run The New Paramount™. As a last act of brutality before forever leaving behind the lot that was her home for the last five years, Berman's apparently commissioned a baby writer from Stacked to pen the invitation to her going-away party, which was circulated to employees today via e-mail. Prepare yourselves, kids, this one's going to get a little rough:
· NBC goes cuckoo for the tainted Cocoa Puffs of reality television, planning to roll out six shows this summer. Scheduled to chip away at your soul: More Biggest Loser, Average "We Always Pick The Hot Guy, So Why Bother?" Joe, a new entry in the still-hot family-destablization genre (Meet Mr. Mom), and something from whose uterus sprung Paris Hilton. We're never going to get a tan at this rate. [Variety]
· Oliver Stone gets another opportunity to prove he's completely forgotten how to direct a compelling movie with an adaptation of James Ellroy's The Night Watchman. [THR]
· HBO lands The Office's Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant's next show, Extras, about a struggling actor in Hollywood. And even though HBO is already jam-packed with Hollywood-set shows like Entourage and Unscripted, there is still much rejoicing that Gervais didn't take his new baby to a broadcast network. [Variety]
· The resurrected Family Guy seems "less frenetic" than it was in its early, oft-canceled incarnation. [THR]
· Marvel and Paramount enter into a production deal, ensuring that every obscure superhero in the Marvel Universe gets his chance to be in an absolutely execrable movie that will make fanboys sob into their Power Man and Iron-Fist pillow cases. [Variety]
After a month of tears, recriminations, forged (or "forged") signatures, and teary recriminations, the Writers Guild West is suing its East Coast outpost for a "bad faith" effort to enter into arbitration over dues collection. While this East Coast/West Coast conflict easily lends itself to a joke about how WGA West president Dan Petire Jr. should watch his back, lest he be gunned down at a movie premiere buffet like Tupac, we're "not going to go there." Instead, we issue a call for peace, and urge the warring factions to follow the arbitration guidelines clearly delineated in the Guild's 1954 constitution: Petrie and WGA East president Herb Sargent must settle this like men and lock themselves in a neutral conference room with a box of razor blades, a tub of cooking oil, and a wooden fraternity paddle, with the winner's guild receiving 60 percent of disputed dues and a one-year contract to write scripts for The Phantom's wildly popular radio play. We all look forward to the speedy resolution of this regrettable disagreement.
The WGA rank-and-file huddled in the Writers Guild Theater last night to receive wisdom from scribble-and-shoot, multihyphenate elders Barry Levinson, James L. Brooks, and Gary Ross, and heard what they already certainly knew—if the studios can't slap a catchy tagline on a one-sheet that features something engulfed in a ball of flames, you've got a one way ticket to Fox Searchlight country. A reader recaps last night's talk:
· Patty Hearst files for access to grandfather William Randolph Heart's will, a document shrouded in secrecy and which contains a clause stating that anyone who challenges it will be disinherited. It further states that any heir that can spend $30 million dollars in 30 days will inherit a vast fortune; while this sounds easy, there are Byzantine rules governing the spending of the money that ensure anyone taking the challenge will be plunged into a wacky adventure in creative capitalism. [Variety]
· Sort-of-actor/sometime-director/kinda-writer Peter Berg is rewarded for not being particularly good at anything, landing a production deal for his Film 44 shingle with Universal. THR]
· Bravo goes trulydeeplybatshit insane for reality programming, announcing new shows The Daily News (about the prolonged pissing match between tabloids the NY Daily News and the NY Post), The Real Housewives (about a cynical attempt to capitalize on ABC's huge hit), and Battle of the Network Reality Stars (about the final and total destruction of Western culture). But if they decide to do another season of Project Greenlight, all is forgiven. [Variety]
· Antonio Banderas and Jennifer Lopez will star in the indie thriller Bordertown, two actors equally confounded by the prospect of reciting their lines in the English language. [THR]
· 800-pound reality gorillas Mark Burnett and Endemol USA vote agencies CAA and William Morris (respectively) off the money-island. Also, torches snuffed, "you're fired," etc etc. [THR]
· Fox manages to hold on to at least one Berman. [Variety]
· The government turns Adelphia cable robber-baron James Rigas upside down and shakes him until $715 million falls out. Adelphia must pony up the massive sum before Time Warner and Comcast can complete their purchase of the company and start ransacking the place like Visigoths. [Variety]
· We've received so many signs out of Hollywood that the Apocalypse is nigh that we've stopped counting, but still: Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes will produce a remake of Htichcock's The Birds with Mandaly's Peter "I'm Not In The Hollywood Old Girls Club" Guber for Universal. We can see the killer fowl tangled up in Paris Hilton's hair already. Sigh. [THR]
· Once the final episode of Star Wars is through disappointing fans early this summer, George Lucas promises to disappoint nerds anew by launching two TV shows continuing the franchise. We're totally selling our Darth Tater on eBay right now, before it loses its value. [Variety]
· The studio shuffle continues, as Dimension co-president Brad Weston is installed underneath Gail Berman at The New Paramount™. That sounds filthier than it was meant to. [THR]
· ABC plans to continue its ratings momentum by carpet-bombing the summer months with new reality programming. Why go to the beach when you have fresh episodes of Wife Swap to drool in front of?. [Variety]
In what we hope will come to be a recurring feature, Defamer is proud to present the first installment of Inside the Throne Room, a penetrating look inside the water closets of Hollywood's hottest power players. Our opening offering spotlights what appears to be a guest bathroom from Brian Grazer's Pacific Palisades manse, snapped during the recent book release party for the wife of Imagine partner Ron Howard. Judging from this cameraphone shot (click it for a larger version), yes, it's a little small, but cozy enough in its muted tones that we can picture quixotic superproducer Grazer occasionally seeking refuge there from the opulence of his master bathroom; perhaps it's even the place where he gets the kind of thinking done that results in Russell Crowe having "real" imaginary friends in A Beautiful Mind, an inspired filmic shorthand that frustrated schizophrenia sufferers but carried the pic to multiple Oscar wins.
· For the next 3-4 years, all comedies will star Will Ferrell. To wit, Universal's bought the rights to beloved early 70s inadvertent-time-travel show Land of the Lost for the actor. Look for Uni to round out the cast with other members of the New Gay Mafia, including Vince Vaughn as a Sleestack and Owen "The Butterscotch Stallion" Wilson as hairy, grunting ape-boy Chaka. [Variety]
· Huzzah! Incandescent actress-goddess Jennifer Connelly will join the cast of the film adaptation of Tom Perrotta's Little Children. Prediction: Connelly will be both sexy and troubled. [THR]
· Denzel Washington agrees to let the tag-team of director Tony Scott and producer Jerry Bruckheimer attempt to blow him up on-screen in the purposefully-time-traveling-G-man drama Deja Vu. [Variety]
· Even a Desperate Housewives clips show has enough ratings clout to defeat CBS's hilariously titled Locusts! (exuberant punctuation theirs). [THR]
· Scarlett Johansson submits herself to another shoot with Woody Allen, as she'll star in the tentatively-titled Wrinkly Director Perves On A Woman Young Enough To Be His Great-Granddaughter, the latest installment of the cinematic cycle Allen's been working on for the last 15 years. [Variety]
They're tough, they run studios, and, as far as anyone knows, they have vaginas: Meet Sony's Amy Pascal, Universal's Stacey Snider, Buena Vista's Nina Jacobson, and a host of Hollywood's other power girls, whom the NYT has dubbed "Hollywood's New Old Girls' Network" (the original working title,"Those Dingy Broads What Run The Studios," was later discarded for being too quaint). Strangely included in the Times' colorful, if wildly confounding, flowchart is producer Peter Guber(above, encircled and indicated by our subtle arrows), whom the Times is apparently depicting as the Tinseltown Zeus from whose head sprung forth this pantheon of filmmaking Athenas; somehow, this was deemed more palatable than illustrating the New Old Girls' Network's breech birth from Paramount trailblazer Sherry Lansing's womb.
