· Warning, impossibly lame, scatological pun playing on similarity of "Sith" and "shit" ahead: Foreigners eat up Sith, as the movie rakes in $145 million in international release. [Variety]
· The New Paramount™ continues in its mission to spend, spend, spend in the quest to woo A-list actors, dropping $4 million for the rights to Robert Ludlum's book The Chancellor Manuscript for Leonardo DiCaprio. [THR]
· We've been ignoring Cannes, so here's the round-up: Jean-Pierre and Luc Dardenne win the Pal D'Or, Jim Jarmusch the Grand Prix, and Tommy Lee Jones wins best actor. [Variety]
· The Desperate Housewives finale kicks ass, takes names, etc etc. Grey's Anatomy is similarly huge, despite failing to make a play on the similarity of "The Syph" and "Sith." [THR]
· The Ellen DeGeneres Show wins big at the Daytime Emmys, but judging from the ratings numbers, nobody cared. We blame the pantsuit. [Variety]

· The still-unnamed Weinstein Co. gets funding from Goldman Sachs, who apparently found the coming years of physical and emotional abuse to be a good trade for a seat next to Gwyneth Paltrow at an Oscar party. [Variety]
· Revenge of the Sith takes in $16.5 million in just its first midnight showings, proving that not having to spend money on getting laid frees up capital for other nerd-intensive activities. [Variety]
· Warner Bros. leads studios with 32 shows on the network schedules, Fox is second with 25, and Paramount is right behind with 24. Apropos of nothing, CBS overlord Les Moonves releases a statement announcing that "Jeff Zucker is a little bitch." [THR]
· Topher Grace joins Thomas Haden Church as an undisclosed villain in Spider-Man 3. We're betting that Semiretarded Airplane Mechanic and Stuck In Puberty Boy will make worhty foes for the tubby wall-crawler. [Variety]
· Breaking! Gail Berman does something at The New Paramount™, though we can't be bothered to find out what it was. [THR]

· "Weinsteins ride over the Rainbow." If we clicked through to the actual story, it's inevitable we'd be disappointed. They probably didn't hop on My Little Ponies and and strangle some leprechauns for their pots of gold. [Variety]
· FX picks up a fifth season of The Shield. We hear they're doing nice things over there, but we still not sure why haven't seen anything on that channel. All of their shows must be on against Dr. 90210 or Gastineau Girls. [THR]
· That kiss in Hitch was apparently even hotter than it looked: Will Smith will produce former co-star Kevin James in the family adventure Monster Hunter for Sony. [Variety]
· At Cannes, Tom Hanks announces that he'll make sure that son Colin continues to work, even if he's got to underwrite (and makes cameos in) the movies. [THR]
· Paramount head Brad Grey continues to throw work to his old buddies by picking up Plan B's True Story. [Variety]

CBS overlord Les Moonves just can't help himself. At their upfront presentation to advertisers yesterday, he continued his ritualistic humiliation of NBC pewter-boy Jeff Zucker, very publicly delivering the television executive equivalent of a taint-rattling wedgie, a swirly in an unflushed toilet, and the scribbling of "I LOVE DUDES" in Sharpie on his rival's forehead:

Each year at upfronts time, Les Moonves likes to invite the press over for an informal chat over bagels, during which he's known to take out his penis, slap it down among the lox and cream cheese, then swing the sloppy member around the room without concern for who it hits in the face. The NYT's Virignia Heffernan notes who got a faceful of junk in her "Upfronts Journal" (which, like the LAT's "Web Notebook," should not be mistaken for a blog):

What happens to a character's clothes once he's been ruthlessly disposed of by a convenient heart attack? At Fox, whatever the actor can't shovel into his Benz while his assistant distracts the wardrobe people winds up at silent auction at the studio store. This week's offerings include a nice piece worn by The OC's Alan "My Agent Promised Me I'm Coming Back As A Ghost Who Likes To Throw Pool Parties" Dale:

· More fun from CBS: 60 Minutes Wednesday is kicked to the programming curb, but Moonves denies that Memogate had anything to do with it, but allows, "There's just something that bugs me about Dan Rather's face. It's all square and stuff." [Variety]
· John Woo will direct Chow Yun Fat in the "next generation action action game" Stranglehold. Things exploding stylishly and broken English to follow. [THR]
· In the unexpected, but potentially genius, casting move of the season, Kelsey Grammer will play Beast in X-Men 3. [Variety]
· Beware, the streets will be teeming with virgins carrying lightsabers: More than 80% of tonight's Star Wars post-midnight showings are already sold out. [Variety]
· Husband/wife team Laurie MacDonald and Walter Parkes leave their positions as co-heads of DreamWorks Pictures for the obligatory "shingle" gig. Curiously empty offices to follow. [Variety]

· CBS hasn't announced its Fall sched yet, but it looks like more Bruckheimer, some Jenna Elfman, and two heaping cupfuls of Jennifer Love Hewitt's rack. We'll leave them alone until it's official tomorrow. [Variety]
· 32 million fans say good bye to something called According to Jim. Oh, we mean Everybody Loves Raymond. [THR]
· Honeymooners star Mike Epps will play Richard Pryor in a biopic, presumably because Dave Chappelle is still too busy chilling the fuck out in South Africa to take the job. [Variety]
· Fancy directors Michael Haneke and David Cronenberg are frontrunners for the Palm D'Or (that's French for "Not an Oscar") on the strength of their "very accessible" films. As a result, Cronenberg is now in the running to direct either 3 Fast 3 Furiouser or take over the Rush Hour franchise from Brett Ratner. [THR]
· Warren Beatty, producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura, and Tribune Co. fight over the rights to a comic book character everyone stopped caring about while Beatty was still banging Madonna. [Variety]

ABC announced its Fall lineup at the upfronts, and prominent among their new offerings is Commander-in-Chief, in which Geena Davis (the lousy housekeeper from Family Ties) becomes our country's first female president:

By now we all know how it went down: At last year's upfronts, NBC golden boy Jeff Zucker was so confident about his network's prospects for the Fall season that he stood on a stack of Bibles, swore that their already high ratings would increase, and taunted the Lord himself to strike him down if Joey didn't deliver post-Friends salvation to his advertisers. Then God, who always has quite a sense of humor about such matters, obliged Zucker with a well-placed thunderbolt to the top of the executive's distinguished bald head.

Oh, how the television season can humble even the most highly polished of the network golden boys! At last year's upfronts, NBC's Jeff Zucker practically tore open his shirt to shave a dollar sign in his chest hair to reveal a tattoo of Matt LeBlanc's face:

· THR calls NBC's schedule a "massive overhaul." Also, we forgot to mention the new drama with the most howlingly stupid name, Inconceivable, which takes place in (you guessed it by now) a fertility clinic. Welcome back to fourth place, NBC. [THR]
· The WB and 20th Century Fox TV scratch out each other's eyes over Reba license fees, nearly taking down two of 20th's pilots for the network in the skirmish. Also, Law & Order creator Dick Wolf is pissed that NBC canceled Trial by Jury. [Variety]
· Tired of the actress overshadowing him on the red carpet at Cannes, George Lucas holds down Natalie Portman and shaves her head. The move backfires as the world is now fascinated by the exquisite shape of her skull (see pic on THR homepage). [THR]
· Survivor takes out Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, but the Housewives beat back CBS with a ratings rolling pin. [Variety]
· Michelle Pfeiffer will star in Amy Heckerling's I Could Never Be Your Woman, a romantic comedy "about a successful professional woman in trouble with her love life,"a groundbreaking premise sure to revitalize the genre. [THR]

· Kicking and Screaming and Monster In Law look to "reverse an 11-week weak streak at the box office." Never underestimate the power of Will Ferrell yelling at kids or J.Lo's ass. [Variety]
· Rival networks look to gnaw NBC's carcass at the upfronts, trying to devour the last bits of the Must See TV advertising revenue meat sticking to its ratings-starved ribs. [THR]
· Viacom/Paramount buddies Tom Freston and Brad Grey recycle former Warner Bros bigwig Bob Daly to help the studio pry teenagers away from their Xboxes and rainbow parties long enough to pay attention to their movies and cable shows. [Variety]
· Hilary Duff continues to choose projects that ensure we'll never see her act before we die, signing up for the Cheaper by the Dozen sequel. This is a good thing. [THR]
· Augusten Burroughs sells the movie rights to yet another memoir, this time a still-unwritten one about his fucked up relationship with his father. Don't worry, this will probably be the last one—we think he's finally out of parents. [Variety]

· This apparently merits a red font and a Breaking News tag: DreamWorks unveils plans for the animated caveman flick Crood Awakening at Cannes, written by John Cleese. [Variety]
· Disney reports a 30-percent increase in its second quarter profits, temporarily making the uninspired choice of Robert Iger as its next CEO not look like a mistake. [THR]
· Paramount will foot the bill for Freedom Writers, which we will dismissively describe as Dangerous Minds with Hilary Swank, even if it only bears a passing resemblance to the earlier film. We're jerks that way. [Variety]
· ABC, CBS, and Fox seesaw back in forth in last night's war for viewers, but Fox ultimately wins the night on the power of the simmer sexual tension between Paula Abdul and Bo Bice. [THR]
· Meet the Parents of the Focker director Jay Roach picks up his Everyman shingle and moves it from Fox to Universal, who will get first crack at his dog-flushing comedic endeavors for the near future. [Variety]

· "Reports of B.O. death greatly exaggerated": If you subtract The Passion of the Christ from last year's box office take, this year's business doesn't look nearly as shitty. [Variety]
· Disappointing Shrek 2 DVD sales in the first quarter send DreamWorks stock plummeting. Did the public finally decide it's had enough ogre cock shoved down its throat over the last year? [THR]
· Bob and Harvey Weinstein snap up Transamerica, Felicity Huffman's tranny flick, for their Weinstein Co. [Variety]
· ShitergyWatch: MTV and Nickelodeon sign Outkast's Andre 3000 to produce films and TV shows for their Viacom fiefdoms. [THR]
· And because Wednesday is Viacom day, VH1 president Christina Norman will take over MTV, while MTV VP moves over to run VH1. Got it? Neither do we. [Variety]

Those Fox employees who failed to be impressed by their overlords' recent gifts of free corn-dogs and fake-tit-cakes may finally have an opportunity to rejoice: In its latest fit of largesse (and with News Corp profits down 8 percent), the Studio Store is waking its silent auction from a four-year slumber, offering clothes previously worn by stars in the Fox stable at bargain prices. From an e-mail announcing the sale:

· Spamalot nabs 14 Tony nominations, and Doubt picks up 8, thus ending our interest in the Tonys until next year's announcements. [Variety]
· CBS and Sony throw bags at money (and a feature deal) at Kevin James to do another season of King of Queens, buying at least one more year before the the network has to figure out how to turn CSI into a sitcom. [THR]
· Ousted/disgruntled former Disney board members Roy Disney and Stanley Gold sue Disney for not conducting a proper search for a new CEO; once again showing that he's no Michael Eisner, new Mouse leader Robert Iger promptly orders his lawyer to key the troublemakers' cars [Variety]
· George Clooney signs on to play the lead in Michael Clayton, a lawyer who's known for "fixing" his clients' personal problems. Also, the lawyer is very, very handsome with an undeniable, rakish charm. Sigh. [THR]
· 20th Century Fox TV signs American Dad showrunners to a two-year, seven-figure development deal to create shows that are completely indistinguishable from The Family Guy . [Variety]

· Tale of Two Headlines: Kingdom of Heaven's box office take was "far from 'Heaven', but "mighty o'seas." [Variety, Variety]
· Slow news day: Clive Barker does movie-related stuff with horror, video games, and John Woo. [THR]
· Helen Hunt will make her feature directing debut with the drama Then She Found Me; she's also convinced herself to take a chance on a first-time director and will star in the movie. [Variety]
· The 4,000th telling of the Elvis story stood no chance against the Desperate Housewives ratings juggernaut. [THR]
· HBO picks up Louis CK's multi-camera sitcom, American Dream, for 13 episodes (including the pilot), trying to find out if the traditional sitcom genre can be appreciably improved by the addition of swearing. (And breasts, please?)[THR]

Herb Sargent, president of the Writers Guild of America, East, dies.

· American Idol was still huge on Wednesday, Primetime Live's Idol did big numbers, and NBC still can't tell its ratings ass from its Nielsen elbow. [Variety]
· An appeals court throws out the FCC's rules for a "broadcast flag" that would dictate how viewers record and watch digital TV shows, allowing the consumer greater flexibility in how they drool in front of the American Idol results show. [THR]
· Filthiest Variety headline of the day: "Jobs strokes Mouse as Pixar soars." Why exactly the Pixar CEO is masturbating a rodent is anyone's guess, but we're not here to judge. [Variety]
· 20th Century Fox TV is doing its best to prove the overall developmental deal isn't dead, throwing money at Family Guy/Yes, Dear writer Bobby Bowman for two years. [THR]
· Because it's not technically a pointless remake if you replace the original white people with black people: New Line plans a "reimagining" of the Steve Martin/Lily Tomlin pic All of Me, with Wanda Sykes playing the Tomlin role. [Variety]