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After a month of tears, recriminations, forged (or "forged") signatures, and teary recriminations, the Writers Guild West is suing its East Coast outpost for a "bad faith" effort to enter into arbitration over dues collection. While this East Coast/West Coast conflict easily lends itself to a joke about how WGA West president Dan Petire Jr. should watch his back, lest he be gunned down at a movie premiere buffet like Tupac, we're "not going to go there." Instead, we issue a call for peace, and urge the warring factions to follow the arbitration guidelines clearly delineated in the Guild's 1954 constitution: Petrie and WGA East president Herb Sargent must settle this like men and lock themselves in a neutral conference room with a box of razor blades, a tub of cooking oil, and a wooden fraternity paddle, with the winner's guild receiving 60 percent of disputed dues and a one-year contract to write scripts for The Phantom's wildly popular radio play. We all look forward to the speedy resolution of this regrettable disagreement.