Didn't realize they had internet access in Hell (something to look forward to) until this email arrived in our inbox:

Kevin Federline's baby mama is asking $4.995 million for her penthouse loft in the famed Silk Building on E. Fourth St. in NoHo. She originally put it on the market last summer for $6 million, then cut the price to $5.25 million. Now she's slashing the price once again. (Hear that folks? $4.995 million! Spring liquidation! April closeout of her entire stock! No fetus left behind!! EVERYTHING must go!!!) Oh, and the New York Daily News made a funny:

· If you've ever wondered why Princess Leia wears those buns, now we know it was to prevent her hair from getting caught on Darth Vader's codpiece.
· Actor Judge "Beverly Hills Cop" Reinhold enters the Academy's version of the witness protection program.
· Frequently bare-chested Amityville Horror star Ryan Reynolds thinks scaring people is easier than making them laugh. Harder still is making them laugh in parts where they're supposed to be scared, but he really pulls it off.
· If having a baby's made Gwyneth Paltrow lose her memory, maybe she can start jotting down notes on Apple's head with a Sharpie.
· A definitive and comprehensive list of African-American actors and characters appearing in films directed by Stanley Kubrick.
· Behold Kevin Federline, master ironist.

Along with Star's token attempt at public pulse-taking, Entertainment Weekly also weighs in with a marginally better poll to harvest prospective names for Baby Girl Spears-Federline. We like one of our readers' suggestion of "Taurine," but if we may be so bold, we offer up the cumbersome-yet-prescient "California Child Protective Services Case #67755-A4 " Brit and K-Fed can use that one without paying us a consulting fee, but only if we don't have to bring a gift to the baby shower.

· Futuristic head-danish. Still chic after all these years.
· Tyra Banks loses her Top Model shit...now with video!
· If you view the infamous Star Wars line-up in this 360-degree panoramic shot, the geeks almost seem real. Almost. [via BoingBoing]
· Frankly, we're less than satisfied with any of the poll choices. Not a single Red Bull or Cheeto pun in the bunch. Tsk. (scroll to bottom of page) [via Gawker]

Because that child will be named whatever Bonnie Fuller wills it to be named.

New York responds, 6:52 AM.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have finally ended weeks of speculation about the contents of her womb, issuing this statement via her official website:

We're hearing Britney Spears, our favorite erstwhile pop tart who may or may not be carrying a Federletus in her womb, has been hospitalized for God-knows-what (we've some guesses but, should she truly have OD'd on Red Bull, we'd feel bad about our preemptive jokes). PageSixSixSix is swearing up and down that Britney checked in on Sunday night, but we're still waiting for her publicist to issue a formal explanation.

This morning, we all heard about the local fourth-grader who scored an exclusive interview with Britney Spears for her school paper. Something was bugging us about this feel-good tibdit—how did this intrepid kid penetrate the defenses of Spears' hotel, then find the correct door under which to slip the interview request (assuming that the clever tyke didn't pose as a Red Bull delivery person and follow the Cheeto-crumb trail)? A Defamer operative reveals:

· Britney Spears gives charming interview to sweet little 4th grader; sweet little 4th grader's mommy is on close terms with Star magazine. Better watch out, Brit — we hear Bonnie's going to bug Bit-Bit's collar. [Defamer]
· In Williamsburg's latest incarnation, it's New York's "most taunted bohemian neighborhood." [NYT]
· Eulogy for a stalker. [Adweek]
· There are straight men on Cargo's online forums, and they need your help. Badly. [Jossip]

Page Six brightens up our Monday morning with the heartwarming tale of 10-year-old Veronica You, who boldly marched up to Britney Spears' hotel and slipped an interview request under her door. [Ed.note—Don't worry about the noises you might have heard, Veronica. Sometimes, when a pop star and an unemployed background dancer love each other very, very much, they host a petting zoo in their hotel room.] And, much to the chagrin of more mainstream glossies like US Weekly or Star, the little go-getter scored an exclusive for the Hancock Park Elementary School's esteemed gossip rag:

· Breaking! We hear Britney and K-Fed are at debatable hotspot B-Bar right now! We can't confirm this, nor do we care to — but we're still all exclamatory about the possibility!
· Not content to merely make glossy pages sticky, Maxim goes for your couch by inking Hollywood deals to ensure heavy cross-promotion. We'd be disturbed, but integrity is so 2004. [Variety]
· Madonna can't understand her kids, possibly because they're already more educated than her. [Earworm]
· The Daily starts to think out loud about the process known as the international pick-uppery of items. [The Daily]

· Nicole Kidman is so greedy. What's wrong with the kids she has with Tom Cruise? The fact that Cruise could at any moment detonate the explosive implants the Scientologists installed in their heads if they ever leave the fold is no reason to make them feel like they're not enough for her.
· Sean Penn's so exhausted from shooting All the King's Men that he's going to take a couple of years off from Hollywood. During the hiatus, he'll lose entire days dreamily tracing the scar tissue where he carved Chris Rock's name on his stomach after the Oscars, wondering why everyone thinks he has no sense of humor.
· Fametracker mulls possible titles for Britney Spears' reality show on UPN. We have only one suggestion: Crabs.
· Say what now? Who?
·“I looked up ‘maverick’ in the etymological dictionary, and it basically was a kind of cattle that had been owned by somebody named Maverick that had not been branded. And so I believe the poetry of it is somebody that’s unbranded.” FilmStew talks to Crispin Glover.

After a relatively calm period in Britney Spears-related nonsense, the embattled pop star is now dominating the tabloids like she did in her barefoot-in-the-public-bathroom, Cheeto-gobbling heyday. The latest: Spears and rapidly-obsolescing husband unit Kevin Federline reportedly occupied separate hotel rooms in Santa Monica while their house in Malibu is being renovated to include a new background-dancing studio, and had to call for an "emergency meeting" (we picture a red phone with a direct line to the lawyers that drafted the prenup) with their families to repair their failing relationship. Fair enough. But what about the publicist? How does this latest development affect her? Apparently, this harrowing news drove her completely insane, as the rep tells Page Six:

· It just might be time for a new installment of our Race from the Altar series: While spending a week at a Santa Monica hotel, Britney and Kevin reportedly stayed in seperate rooms. History dictates that should Brit be carrying the Federletus, K-Fed will soon leave her. For me. [Page Six]
· Nicole Kidman loves her adopted kids, we're sure, but now that she's free from ex-husband Tom Cruise, she's ready for some old fashioned insemination. [Scoop]
· Don Hill's is canning its 80's night by abruptly firing DJ Frankie Inglese. And we have no idea how Lloyd Grove got this story. [Lowdown]
· Marlon Brando may have been more of a perv than previously thought, as a former lackey claims that Brando exposed himself to her. Surprisingly, she lived to tell! [R&M]

It's finally happened: After nearly a year of denying the public an officially sanctioned, televised document of their love, pop star Britney Spears and the man she's chosen to spend at least a portion of the immediate future with, spottily-employed, background-dancing bastard-factory Kevin Federline, are staging their own reality show on UPN. The still-untitled show (working title: Brit-Brit and K-Fed Are In Love For Now ) "will document the story of the Spears-Federline courtship, engagement and wedding," and, presumably, ear-splitting fights over skanks Federline consorts with on solo trips to Las Vegas which end with Spears' inevitable threats to "take back every motherchuckin' piece a' bling I gave you and send you back to delivering Papa John's, you ho-banging deadbeat!"

Like manna from heaven, a press release has been issued "setting the record straight" regarding Kevin Federline's recent trip to Las Vegas and the VIP hostess, "Vanessa," who reportedly spent a lot of time on Mr. Spears' lap. We are thus enlightened: Kevin went to a lot of Vegas venues, "Vanessa" knows Kevin because of her ex-boyfriend Johnny, spelling and punctuation are for pussies, and Vegas has an untarnished image (oh, har har).

Apparently flush with hormones from her rumored pregnancy, Britney Spears once again has found the inspiration to post another Missive of Truth on her website. This time, she dabbles in media criticism, urging the celebrity journalism industry to indulge in the kind of introspection that has made her one of her generation's most influential thinkers, penning an open letter to "False Tabloids":

· Britney's back, motherfuckers, and she's calling out all of you "false tabloids" for, like, lying and shit. Look inward, yo, and you'll see what Britney sees: y'all are overweight. Oh, and? Throughout that entire rant, she doesn't once address the Federletus. [Britney Spears]
· David Patrick Columbia — whom we've never, ever met — does some deconstructive analysis on Lloyd Grove's pet stringer, Hud Morgan. [NYSD]
· It's not porn, it's an indie sex flick with John Cameron Mitchell. And you know you wanna be in it. [Fleshbot]
· Authors create mix CDs based on their latest book. [Largehearted Boy via Galleycat]