· 'I DON'T think anybody has ever seen my body!" Jeremy Piven complains to Liz Smith about how he yearns to doff Ari Gold's Armani straightjacket and unleash the pecs n' pythons on the public. Next season on Entourage: Lloyd slathers Ari in sunblock at the Standard's pool as the agent once again tries to talk Vince out of quitting Aquaman. [via Jossip]
· The Prettiest Pony blog recorded the minutes from last night's The OC premiere. And while we're on the subject, did anyone else notice that sometime during the time it took for Coop to shoot Trey and for the gang to bring him to the hospital, everyone had a chance to get new haircuts?
· Sometimes we think that Britney Spears got knocked up just so she could get fat without the stigma.
· Reality TV's infamous Fat Naked Gay Guy in a Tree, Richard Hatch of Survivor, has been hit with ten counts of tax evasion and other wonderful tax-related no-nos.
· Come to think of it, yeah, that Nic Cage really is kind of a Mopey Marvin!

• Sean Penn, our modern-day Ernie Pyle, takes his own boat to New Orleans to help the rescue effort. Stranded locals are surviving for days without food or water, but Penn couldn't even get more than 50 feet without his craft flooding. So, uh, back to acting or something. [Page Six]
• Kabbalah devotee Britney Spears doesn't really understand the religion, but she does think the red strings are really purty. [Scoop]
• Endeavor agent Ari Emmanuel may think driving an SUV helps the terrorists, but not so much as to resist a contract for his client Mark Wahlberg, in which several SUVs will be used. [Lowdown]
• Jimmy Choo president Tamara Mellon's relationship with Girls Gone Wild's Joe Francis has reportedly gone sour after he stood her up in favor of attending Pam Anderson's Comedy Central Roast with rock concubine Kimberly Stewart. As if any relationship with a dude who's made millions off of underaged drunks drooling on their own breasts is going to turn out well. [Page Six]
• This summer sucked for famous people. [R&M]

• After hearing that her younger sister Jamie Lynn was having a 13-year-old appropriate tiff with a co-star on the set of Nickelodeon's Zoey 101, Britney Spears stormed the set to defend her sibling and kick some preteen ass. Hell hath no fury like pregnant trailer trash. [Page Six]
• Hurricane Katrina sours VMA festivities, delays Lindsay Lohan's pre-show scene arrival, and forces Mariah Carey to drink until 3 AM. [Gatecrasher]
• Or perhaps it was Eddie Murphy forcing Mariah Carey to stay out so late. [R&M]
• The boring socialites behind Washington Life magazine are none too happy about Gotham mag publisher Jason Binn's efforts to launch his glossy Capitol File. [Lowdown]
• Naomi Campbell leaves no continent untouched by her scorn, now taking her rage to Brazil. [Scoop]
• OK! magazine kinda sucks. But you knew that, just like you knew that baby puppies are cute but a fucking mess. [Page Six]

• Is a spoof wedding between Britney Spears and a British TV host actually legitimate? And could she just spit that baby out already so we can focus on the important Federletus issues? [Scoop]
• Rumor has it that porcine director Michael Moore is at a very fancy fat farm. We're not sure his crusading will have the same effect without the usual galumphing. [Page Six]
• Bijou Phillips fails to show for her cover shoot for Social Life magazine. If you ask where she was or comment on her irresponsibility, she'll cut you. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Page Six cites Moviefone mogul Henry Jarecki, which probably pisses off actual Moviefone mogul Andrew Jarecki. [Page Six]
• Daily News gossipista Lloyd Grove makes his triumphant return from "vacation" with more reports on Hillary Clinton's potential presidential run, Walter Kirn's blog, and, most importantly, the eating habits of Gwyneth Paltrow's young Apple spawn. [Lowdown]

• Thanks to everyone who's alerted us to the unsolicited photos of a naked Jude Law. Like Page Six, Sienna Miller, Sadie Frost, Daisy Wright, and God knows who else, we are unimpressed. But we still like to look. [Page Six]
• Judging from the $10,000 dollars Britney Spears spent on boyish baby clothes, it's safe to say that the Federletus has developed into a boy. Who will be born wearing a wifebeater, we assume. [Scoop]
• Perhaps Baby Federletus can have a playdate with the spawn of Bennifer Deuce (Affleck and Garner), who are having a girl. [R&M (4th item)]
• Matt Lauer has reportedly vacated his Trump Park Avenue refuge and returned to the condo he shared with his wife Annette. Of course, we have no idea if his wife is still actually there, but it's a step toward reconciliation. [Page Six]
• Madonna's rep Liz Rosenberg says that since falling from her horse and breaking three ribs and her collarbone, Madge likely "won't be hanging from a disco ball anytime soon." Oh, the tragedy of it all... [NYDN]

We were very excited to read a story about a possibly imaginary creature, the "celibate celeb," but when we saw that the first words of the piece are "Britney Spears," we realized that this story must've been written in 1999 and mistakenly republished today. Our fears were confirmed when we noticed that Dr. Joyce Brothers* is quoted extensively in the piece.

Saturday's BB gun attack against a paparazzi trying to get a photo of Britney Spears at a Malibu baby shower has touched off an interesting debate among residents of The 'Bu. What degree of celebrity retaliation against people trying to take their picture is acceptable? Is it OK to shoot a paparazzi? If yes, what's the maximum caliber of the firearm? If no, OMG, did you see how huge Britney is? Is it a boy or a girl? The LAT dives headlong into the controversy:

As times have changed, so have our ideas about the beauty of celebrity maternity. It's time that a magazine embraces this new paradigm to create an iconic cover that reflects the grace of the famous, childbearing female form in a way that speaks to the tabloid generation. The gauntlet is thrown.

The ongoing war between celebrities and the paparazzi took another ugly turn when a photographer trying to snap some pictures of Britney Spears at a bridal shower fell victim to an unknown assailant, taking a BB in the leg on Saturday. Strangely, the report makes no mention of potential suspect Kevin Federline or his five gold medals in Air Rifle Marksmanship from the White Trash Olympics.

In her subscribers-only newsletter editorial titled "Take out the White Trash," Lookonline's entertainment editor Diane Clehane gets lost nostalgic for the 90's, when celebrity fashion icons were of the likes of Princess Diana and Carolyn Bessette Kennedy. Today's reality, for Clehane, isn't quite so stylish:

In the rapidly approaching future, the DNA that once produced successful pop-stars will be degraded by its commingling with the inferior genes of suspiciously fertile, unemployed background dancers, and a recording industry decimated by the resulting lack of marketable talent will pay any price for a cloneable sample of that prelapsarian, platinum-selling genetic material. It is then that your great-grandchildren will finally recognize your speculative, $250 investment in a pumice stone that may or may not have rubbed against Britney Spears's skin for its genius.

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com (putting “privacywatch” or “sighting” in the subject line helps make sure they don’t get lost in our inbox) and let the world know that Reese Witherspoon and the color orange don't get along.

Only if crows the size of a Lear jet descended from the sky, plucked out Johnny Depp's eyes, and spirited away a child-actor brunch could there be a darker harbinger of doom hanging over Sunday's Hollywood premiere of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory than Britney Spears' appearance in a themed t-shirt. Box office prognosticators should immediately adjust their opening weekend estimates downwards by $8-10 million.

• Has the Federletus doubled? Rumors swirl that Britney's carrying twins, which would be the most magnificently magnificent testament to K-Fed's virility since, oh, Shar Jackson. [Lowdown]
• In order to direct your attention away from the fact that Us misreported Angelina Jolie's new Ethiopian adoptee to be a boy, editor Janice Min reveals that next week's issue will feature photos of Brad Pitt and Jolie house-hunting in Provence, France. Or maybe it was deer hunting. They're not sure. [Page Six]
• Rapper 50 Cent is apparently "doing" his co-star. Did you blink? We certainly hope not. [Gatecrasher]
• Apparently bored out of his mind and with nothing to do, former CBS anchor Dan Rather is helping National GuardGater Mary Mapes with her tell-all book. [Page Six]
• SNL sultan Lorne Michaels is reportedly trolling the comedy clubs for some new talent, as both Tina Fey and Maya Rudolph are expecting their spawn to emerge right as the new season begins. [Fox 411 (2nd item)]

• Britney Spears' rep says the pregnant popbot will not be posing nude on the cover of Vanity Fair, and the nation exhales. [Page Six]
• An intense and heartbreaking analysis of why a staffer could never realistically pee in Star editor Bonnie Fuller's coffee. See, Lloyd Grove is good for something. [Lowdown (last item)]
• We're not sure why we care, but the idea that Tony Danza may be axed from his own show and replaced by Gloria Estefan is completely fascinating. [Page Six]
• When Noel Ashman wants to protect his Meatpacking District NA nightclub, he does what any businessman would: He has his mommy change the locks. [R&M]

"If you run one more mile, I'll give you another sip."

We feel something of an obligation to briefly remark on the premiere of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's love-note to the complete destruction of romantic love, Chaotic. Yes, we were disappointed, but nothing short of UPN deciding to finally break the primetime ban on background dancers fully penetrating their pop-star meal tickets could have prevented some letdown. Some of this might not make sense if you didn't see the show, but if that's the case, you are a bad person and should dedicate the next three minutes of your life to the job you're neglecting as penance:

· ...Or you could just skip Chaotic and see Britney Spears' entire life condensed into a three minute song parody.
· "Did we imply that Joey sucks? No, no, it doesn't suck! It's got a core audience, it isn't broken, Matt LeBlanc is a fine...sigh. OK, it sucks. You happy? We said it."
· Wilmer Valderrama is starting his own clothing line, proving that not being smart enough to tie your shoes is no barrier to becoming a designer. [via EOTM]
· Britney Spears appeared on Ellen, but the talk show host was unable to persuade the pop star to sell her the baby in her womb.

· Online casino GoldenPalace.com pays just over $5000 for what is allegedly Britney Spears' used pregnancy test. Dear readers, this is exactly what rock bottom feels like. [Celebrity Justice]
· A new biography alleges that Frank Sinatra was a rapist; and now, the author of said tome will mysteriously disappear in about 3 days. [R&M]
· At the opening night of Sweet Charity, Gwyneth Paltrow refuses to play nice with photogs and Donald Trump falls asleep during the performance. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
· Draw the shades, light some candles, and bust out your Sarah McLachlan albums: Dreamy Jake Gyllenhaal has been spotted in the arms of Catalina Sandino Moreno from Maria Full of Grace. [Page Six]

God bless the publicity-whoring geniuses at GoldenPalace.com, who are collecting curiosities (a grilled cheese Virgin Mary, a Lincoln french fry, and a woman with low self-esteem) at a rate that would make an Elephant-Man-bones-era Michael Jackson obsessively bleach himself to rid his face of any envy-green. They've now added Britney Spears' "alleged" pregnancy test to their promotional menagerie for a mere five grand. In the event of her inevitable divorce from background-househusbanding partner Kevin Federline, we think the casino's got favorable odds to buy his half of the baby for less than $20K.