Take a moment, please, to behold the glory of today's New York Post, which declares the possibility Britney Spears starring in Broadway's Sweet Charity to be front-page "news."

• Britney Spears and Kevin Federline come to New York, where they take in a show, binge drink, and enjoy the city's world-renowned acrylic nail applications. [Page Six]
• At the rehearsal dinner for his wedding to Christina Aguilera, Jordan Bratman thanked his parents for his "good looks and large [cock]," as well as for raising him to be a total retard. [R&M]
• When she's not bouncing around, baring her mosquito bites, Kate Moss hits Barcelona and St. Barths. Yeah, that whole cocaine thing really destroyed her life. [Page Six]
• When asked whether she thought Nicole Richie had gotten too thin, Joan Rivers responded, "I truly don t watch any of that group of girls. I find that whole group to be such low-rent, it really doesn t interest me at all. What have they done?" [Scoop]
• We know it's a holiday week, and our brains, too, are already on mental vacation — but why is Lowdown writing about Bratz dolls? Did Brangelina buy one or something? Why is this gossip? [Lowdown]

• OK! magazine scraps a story depicting Kevin Federline as a bad husband and father after Britney Spears's people threw a hissy fit. Pussies. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• On the press tour for Johnny Cash biopic Walk the Line, star Joaquin Phoenix nears meltdown status. Your heart has to go out to his flack, who had to explain why Phoenix asked an AP reporter "Do I have a large frog in my hair?" [Page Six]
• The best part about the logo for Jesus Juice wines, which blatantly mocks Michael Jackson? That the whole idea was thought of by CBS news producer Bruce Rheins. [R&M]
• Sharon Osbourne goes after Madonna, again, this time for looking like an "old hooker." We prefer to think of her as a majestic old lady of the night, but whatever. [Scoop]
• At the Paper nightlife awards, blogger Sarah "Ultragrrl" Lewitinn wins three awards, signifying traditional media's acceptance that bloggers and barflies are not mutually exclusive. [Page Six]

Shar Jackson, ex-Moesha star and famously abandoned mother of Kevin Federline's first two children ("Y'all ain't ready for fatherhood!"), recently sat down with Sister 2 Sister magazine and relayed the sad but unsurprising news that Federline schedules more weekly face-to-scalp time with his personal cornrowing professionals than he does with his own offspring. What's more, Federline was putting the background moves on Spears well before he had ended things with Jackson:

· Will Kevin Federline finally dance out of the background and onto the hip-hop charts? Nah, y'all ain't ready!
· This Page Six report that Paris Hilton's latest Greek shipping heir love interest, Stavros Niarchos, offered a homeless guy $100 to dump a soda on himself doesn't sound too nice. But when you realize that Niarchos first offered the homeless man ten times that amount if he and his pals could hunt the panhandler for sport, it puts the whole situation in perspective.
· Towleroad gets an early look at Jarhead, in which Jake Gyllenhaal tries to do for a Santa hat what he's already done for a pair of chaps in Brokeback Mountain.
· In other onscreen gay cowboy news, Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams have birthed a Matilda.

• Yes, we are painfully aware that bits and pieces of Kevin Federline's ear-slicing new album have infected the internet. We're also aware that he raps with a sibilant "s" sound, but we think that just adds to the je ne sais quoi of his musical abortion. [Stereogum]
• You may have missed your chance to sleep with Elvis, but there's still a huge window on humping the dude who slept with a girl who slept with a '70s child actor who slept with Ann-Margret who slept with Elvis. [Craigslist]
• Proving that it is the ultimate in frat-boy evil, email newsletter Thrillist gives all lazy men the key to maintaining their relationships while secretly being a dick. [Thrillist]
• As if a rapist fireman-impersonator weren't bad enough, NYC now has a fake David Cross slumming the streets in search of tail! [The Apiary]
• Local political nutcase Chris X. Brodeur receives much-needed downtime in jail. [Gothamist]
• Hart+Larsson is hiring Kate Moss, and only Kate Moss. [Hart+Larsson via AdRants]
• Google continues to take over the world — but we'll be damned if we let those boy geniuses near our TiVo. [BigShinyThing]

While Britney Spears is enjoying babydaddy Kevin Federline's new demo CD on multiple levels (drink coaster, miniature ultimate frisbee tournaments, last-resort diaphragm), a stake in her own recording legacy has been put up for sale on eBay as if it were a Fiestaware soup turreen. From E! Online:

Kevin Federline might be a lousy father (who could've seen that one coming?), but we think he makes a dandy costume for Halloween revelers on a budget. Grab a 40, a bag of Cheetos, and a chain from grandma's jewelry box, and you're good to go at a total price of less than ten bucks. (Note: The dozen prosthetic penises (link NSFW) required to upgrade to a West Hollywood Halloween Carnival version of the costume may drive up costs.)

• The blissful union of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline continues to crumble, as the rules of the universe dictate Federline's inability to remain devoted after procreating. [Page Six]
• Meanwhile, has Beyoncé Knowles been talking about carrying Jay-Z's baby? We hope so — a baby Hova would be so gangsta! [Gatecrasher]
• Departed Roc-a-feller Damon Dash still knows how to show his dominance: Instead of drive-bys, he'll just roll up in his luxury sedan and yell at you. It's a whole new level of street cred. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Martha Stewart is putting Turkey Hill, her Westport, CT home, on the market, meaning that Bedford Gray is now all she'll ever need. [Page Six]
• Apple CEO Steve Jobs doesn't like being half-Syrian. But who does, really? [Lowdown]
• Sharon Osbourne speaks of poor old twats other than her husband. [Scoop]
• Will Paris Hilton leave America? PLEASE?!? [Radar]

The Scoop reports of multiple ill-winds blowing through the Cheeto-crumb-strewn halls of the House of Federline. Take, for instance, this report of Britney Spears' reaction to her husband's blood-and-sweat-soaked demo CD, which he offered up to his bride for constructive criticism:

• The CorcoDevil refuses to go gentle into that good night, "firing" Pamela Liebman in that drunk joking-but-seriously way, and offering her peons hope that there will be more opportunities to work with her in raping the city. [PageSix]
• The guy from the Killers is in a big bitchy slap-fight with the guy from Fall Out Boy. A series of cutting singles that all sound the same to follow. [PageSix]
• Janet Jackson: still denying the secret teenage daughter, now also denying pregnancy. Still unable to deny existence of that weird ass-slapping tape. [R&M]
• Karl Rove's wife mistress is going to leave him for, and we quote, "her handsome ranch foreman, Rhett Hard. If this is Rove's attempt to distract us from the indictments, it's working. Rhett Hard, people. The fable of Jann Wenner and the ugly couch is also worth noting. [Lowdown, via Radar]
• We note this entry in the continuing tale of the troubled Federline Household: "For example, while Spears was busy changing their infant son s diapers, Federline reportedly spent two hours getting his hair braided." And we ask: two straight hours of changing diapers? Is the Federletus sick??? [Scoop]

• Justin Timberlake comes to ex-girlfriend Britney Spears's defense: "It's, like, leave the girl alone." Powerful words there, homeskillet. [Yahoo!]
• Paris Hilton faces a $10M lawsuit from model Zeta Graff, who claims the heiress planted lies about Graff in the venerable pages of Page Six. [CourtTV]
• When pressed about a possible tryst with lady-beating actor Tom Sizemore, Paris Hilton claims to have never met him. Photographs, however, seem to suggest otherwise. [Gossiplist]
• Heartbreaking staggerer Dave Eggers, with the help of director Spike Jonze, draws pornographic pictures. Someday, he'll show them to his newborn daughter, October. And yet another celebrity child is doomed! [NYT]
• Seattle Stranger pervy genius Dan Savage saw the Village Voice-New Times union coming, but wonders whether this is a merger or a buy-out. We hate it when we're reliant on semantics to tell us how to feel about these things. [The Stranger]
• We can't imagine anything called Chilifest requiring tailored pants. [Craigslist]

The road to legal hell is paved with the best intentions. To wit: On Friday, we posted a very tiny picture and linked to the leaked images of Britney Spears's newborn Federletus, Sean Preston Federline. How could we not? The baby is, we admit, absolutely adorable, and we'll be damned if the pop singer doesn't actually look kind of good.

Is there a limit to Britney Spears' thirst for celebrity rags' sweet (and lucrative) attention? Page Six examines the new mother's alleged crisis of conscience over selling photos of her adorable widdle moneymaker:

• At the last minute, Britney Spears makes the difficult decision to not whore her infant son to People magazine. No matter: This is the age of the internet, Brit, and the fate of the Federletus really isn't up to you. [Page Six]
• LACHLAN MURDOCH IS BACK IN NEW YORK!!! He's probably just visiting, but we don't care — hand us the lube, it's time to celebrate! [R&M]
• Can celebrities please try to fuck off-camera? Yeah, Carolyn Murphy, we're talking to you. [Page Six]
• Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham throws a hissy fit at the Rock and Republic fashion show when she hears that her denim won't be used on the catwalk. Slow news day. [Lowdown]

· Just as we'd feared, the director of Waiting's feud with Luis Guzman was just a publicity stunt, a ruse, a flim-flam job. If you believed their fight was genuine, you officially have permission to feel used and/or dirty.
· You may no longer bid on Britney Spears' jewel-encrusted bra, but feel free to rummage through her trash in search of disgarded panties, sickie.
· We always thought it would be Gargamel, not UNICEF, who firebombed the Smurf village. We were so smurfin' wrong. [via BoingBoing]
· If Ashlee Simpon's handlers had any sense, they would've staged another lipsyncing incident. Now that she actually performed her song on SNL, people can go back to not giving a shit about her.
· Billy Joel: Furniture polish looks "tastier than bleach."

• The latest in celebrity drug abuse: Boy George was arrested this weekend for cocaine posession. The face-painting 80's icon called the NYPD to investigate a break-in at his downtown apartment, wherein they fould a nice bag of the marching powder. Naturally, George claims the drugs weren't his (he has a lot of company, you know, quite the hostess!), but he'll still be in court on December 19 to deal with the matter. [Reuters]
• For a mere $2 million, you can be the proud owner of SeanPrestonFederline.com. Worth every penny, we think. [eBay]
• Freedom of speech does not extend to t-shirts worn on Southwest Airlines flights. [Southwest]
• Times opera boy Anthony Tommasini insists on describing his male subjects as "strapping," which is only slightly less obvious than "glistening" or "potent." [Parterre]
• The NYC celebrity assistants posse learns how to sell their bosses on pink feather Christmas trees, adult bibs, and the fine art of re-gifting. 'Tis the season to be a cheap bastard! [NYM]

BritneySpears.com is filtering out obvious nasty comments about Britney's newborn, but more cleverly worded (or frighteningly sincere) ones are still getting through. God bless you, internets, for all the joy your bring.
· Waiting director Rob McKittrick posts some highly entertaining footage of an on-set feud with actor Luis Guzman on his blog. Coincidentally, Waiting comes out today. Oh, look at how cynical we are! Why can't we just enjoy a good pissing match and shut the f up?
· Sex offenders, beware Oprah's vigilante justice.
· Grab a box of tissues, you're about to become a blubbering mess: Lindsay Lohan's jailbird dad loves her heartfelt song about how he destroyed their family.
· The You Can't Make It Up blog offers up some celebrity emoticons. The Tara Reid one is our fave.

Mercifully, young Sean Preston Spears Federline will never know how cruel people can be; Britney and Kevin have already decided that they're not going to allow their son to become the first person in their family to learn to read.

• Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson issue the standard denial in response to yesterday's celebrity weekly bukkake over their break-up; Us Weekly stands by their report. Perhaps the denial has something to do with that exclusive contract Simpson signed with OK!, which apparently guarantees the mag exclusive rights to all Simpson coverage. As if anyone's going to care once OK! "breaks" this story. [Page Six]
• Madonna is reportedly trying to convince Oprah Winfrey to convert to Kabbalah. If, God forbid, this happens, it's only a few short episodes of Oprah until the entire world has fallen under the red-string spell. [R&M]
• Bespectacled hostess Georgette Mosbacher agrees to throw the book party for Michael Gross's 740 Park, which exposes the inner-workings of the absurdly wealthy cattery. Naturally, Morsbachers socialite friends are horrified, just horrified. [Lowdown]
• Kevin Federline is a fantastic baby daddy but, it seems, a decidedly less-than-fantastic daddy. We're sure once he leaves Britney, he'll be much better to the little Federletus. [Scoop]
• Everyone on West 71st Street hates their neighbor, Today co-host Ann Curry. And you thought that on-camera schtick was just a persona. [Page Six]