· On any other day, i.e. one without Tom Cruise's fake baby, Lindsay Lohan's accident, and the Simpson-Lachey fiasco, rumors of a Britney Spears sex tape might get more traction. Today? Meh.
· Back in May, Conan's "If They Mated" bit projected a very scary product for the Cruise-Holmes union. Click at your own risk.
· Kittenpants uncovers Nic Cage's list of possible baby names. We think Francis Ford "The Hulk" Cage has a nice ring to it.
· On a day without the Cruise-Holmes Miracle Baby, Lindsay Lohan's fender-bender, and Nick N' Jessica's on-again, off-again separation, a video clip of a naked Janet Jackson rubbing her breasts and drumming on her ass might get some more play. Today? Next!
· Like most convicted stalkers, Pamela Anderson's alleged stalker is merely misunderstood.

• A news article about outing people has been written — and there's is no mention Anderson "gayer-than-fauxhawks" Cooper. [AP via NYT]
• Bloomberg in High Holiday campaign calls shocker! [Politicker]
• Some sort of country singer gives us the greatest press release ever, in history. [Some Country Singer]
• There are currently 28 bids for what someone claims are Britney Spears' worn flip-flops, and we have lost just a little more faith in humanity. [eBay]

OK! magazine paid $2 million to secure the rights to this image, which allegedly shows Britney Spears holding her newborn Federletus. As far as we're concerned, this is a shot of someone holding a Cabbage Patch Kid. Consider us dumbfounded.

Finally, the fuzzy, inconclusive paparazzi money-shots we've all been waiting for! At left, Britney Spears and mother Lynne lovingly take two piles of dirty laundry out for a stroll by the pool; at right, grandma gives the world its first-ever sneak peak at a partially shaved coconut in a blanket. While the Spears ladies taunted helicopter-borne photographers outside, proud daddy Kevin Federline stayed inside and treated young Preston Michael to his first lesson on how to repair a cranky toaster with a single, wet salad fork.

• You can't even win in magazine publishing by appealing to the lowest common denominator, as tabloid king David Pecker is learning the hard way. [BusinessWeek]
• You can win, though, by appealing to the just-better-than-lowest denominator, as Jann Wenner — and his Us staff of the cool girls — has learned the fun way. [WP]
• OK! America has the Britney baby pix, allegedly. It's amazing what a little scratch can get you. [Access Hollywood via MSNBC]
• Oprah re-opens book club to works by contemporary authors. Jonathan Franzen is appalled. Then pleased. Then appalled again. [NYT]
• Economist gives free subscriptions to influential bloggers. We didn't get one, so take a guess who doesn't get a comments invitation. [Folio:]
• New weekend WSJ is a "spectacular bellyflop," says William Powers. Come on, tell us what you really think. [National Journal]
• "I'm a chiropodist," The Daily Show's Stephen Colbert tells his kids, according to the Times Mag. [E&P]

· Britney Spears is taking great pains, like hiring decoy lookalikes to trick greedy shutterbugs, to make sure that she cashes in on her little peanut before the paparazzi do.
· We've never seen Veronica Mars (please, hold your appalled e-mails), but apparently it's just like The OC, right down to the soundtrack.
· We thought that the city smelled kind of funky yesterday, but attributed it to the fact that we put off taking a shower a little bit too long. (Hey, that's blogging.) LA Observed's StenchWatch seems to let us off the hook.
· Fametracker was way ahead of the curve, predicting an Everybody Loves Raymond sequel in which Brad Garrett's character moves out of the house about two years ago. Someone give these guys a development deal.
· Dolce's Emmy night makeover wasn't quite as popular with the neighbors as it was with the drunk folks with the spray paint cans.

It didn't take a psychic to predict that Britney Spears' postpartum adjustment period would be bumpy, but we're still surprised that tales of Britney's wildly fluctuating hormone levels and Kevin Federline's decreasing levels of interest have already hit the glossies. It's all there but the faint sounds of "Everybody Dance Now":

• In the wake of her awesome drug-abusing debut, supermodel Kate Moss enjoys a calamitous scene outside the Mercer Hotel, complete with stalkerazzi and the FDNY. [Verbose Coma]
• After 5 months of marriage, actress Renée Zellwegger and country singer Kenny Chesney have their marriage annulled. The perfect Hollywood romance! [People]
• Britney's abortion doctors speak: "How we failed..." [Low Culture]
• Courtesy of the blogosphere's irrepressable Andrew Krucoff, a handy guide to understanding teen-fixated writer David Amsden and Amsden-fixated TMFTML blogger Alex Balk. [YM]
• As Tara Reid's Taradise travel show enters its final hours, the Tara Reid Self-Loathing Index resists the influence of Reid's parental units. [Gridskipper]
• A few days ago, we wondered how rapper Lil' Kim would spend her last days as a free woman before heading off on Monday to serve a year in prison for perjury. As it turns out, our guesses were way off: She's filming a reality tv show. Predictable. [Reality Blurred]

Sadly, the childbirth-induced euphoria that Spears is experiencing may soon fade, as husband Kevin Federline finds himself more interested in finally perfecting the background version of the Roger Rabbit he's been working on for the past year than his newest son and recuperating wife. Why won't little Presty stop bellyachin'? she'll cry to her already-withdrawn life partner, and be answered with only the faint sound of C+C Music Factory drifting into the nursery from the background-dancing studio. That's when the dark feelings set in, the clouds of postpartum gloom that once gripped Brooke Shields, whom Britney knows to be much stronger than she is from repeated viewings of videotaped episodes of her favorite sitcom, Suddenly Susan; in this fleeting moment, when despair first starts to seep into the cracks of elation, that's when Tom Cruise strikes.

Hey, y'all! A lot has happened since Britney Spears asked her celebrity obstetrician, "Doc, if you cut this thing outta my belly right now, can I pleasepleaseplease have a smoke? Yes? Slice me up like a cantaloupe, Dr. Huxtable!" and delivered Preston Michael Spears Federline into the world via C-section. But before we dive into a brief round-up, we need to discuss something: In nearly all accounts, the baby has been identified as a "boy." Given that the newborn will grow up in a highly unstable half-showbiz/half-background-dancing household, aren't we placing enormous, undue pressure on the tyke by assigning him a traditional gender identity at this early stage? Let's allow the poor child develop an identity of its own; young Preston has enough challenges ahead of him without the public's interference with his development. On to the round-up, where blogs celebrate the happy occasion:

• Naomi Campbell pitches a fit at the tents and, just like that, saves Fashion Week from utter irrelevancy. [R&M]
• When he's not too busy being fake gay with pals from Queer Eye, stereotypical celebrity chef Rocco DiSpirito is allegedly "grabby and stalkerish" with the ladies. [Page Six]
• Lloyd Grove honestly expects you to care that the Olsen twins' bodyguard, Foster Zeh, was once involved in some insurance fraud mess. As long as he keeps our little rat girls safe, we don't care what he's done in the past. He's a hero in the here and now, as far as we're concerned. [Lowdown]
• Yellow Fever designer Jamison Ernest likes to give his single lady friends a present they truly need: a Rabbit vibrator. Is a pity dildo better or worse than a pity fuck? [Page Six]
• Britney's baby boy has the initials PMS. Do with this information what you will. [NYDN]
• Apple Paltrow, whose mother Gwyneth won't let her near instant soup, is a big fan of Jay-Z. The precocious tot actually knows all the words to 99 Problems. [Scoop]

All over Manhattan, celebrity weekly editors are losing their shit: Us Weekly wins the Federletus Cup, reporting that Britney Spears gave birth at 12:15 today to a healthy baby boy. Sadly, the pop star and her houseboy husband have not decided to name the child Federletus, but are reportedly leaning towards dubbing the seedling Preston Michael Spears Federline. Because names like Preston help to gloss over the hard reality of a baby born wearing a wifebeater.

How low do you have to be for Ron Galella — the ur-paparazzo against whom Jackie O. won a restraining order in 1973 — to look down on you as scummy? In WWD, Jacob Bernstein found out.

Feeling that it might seem too braggy to declare an exclusive throughout the universe (those unethical hacks from Tralfamadore will claim the scoop anyway), US Weekly giddily anoints itself the first to tell the world that Britney Spears's baby has a penis:

OMGOMGOMGOMG — could it be true?! Right now, in a cheetos-filled room at Cedars-Sinai, the Federletus is quite possibly rearing its ghetto head from a hastily-carved opening in Britney Spears' womb. We'll keep you updated as soon as we know more, but right now we have to go retrieve hubby Kevin Federline from Starbucks before he misses this beautiful moment.

Radar's setting off the sirens, claiming that Britney Spears is about to unleash the fruit of her womb on an unsuspecting Los Angeles:

We knew it was a boy! Spears can expect a visit from the Malibu police shortly , as it seems her precocious sniper-fetus has suddenly become the prime suspect in last month's baby shower shooting of that unlucky paparazzo.

There's no question that the Federletus, when born, will be a thug — but this strikes even us as a bit premature.

· We know that you've all been terribly worried, but power has been restored at Defamer HQ. Enjoy this special Needless Exclamation Edition of Short Ends.
· Roy Horn walks!
· Martha Stewart talks!
· Britney Spears stinks! via [Adrants]
· Gay cowboy flees Los Feliz!
· Tina Fey reproduces!

• Would the sole person on this earth who actually wants to smell like Britney Spears please step forward? Anyone? McFly? Bueller? [Adrants]
• With the return of fall television comes the return of reality show contestants with sketchy pasts. Interestingly enough, however, this time it's an Apprentice wannabe with the strange story. [TSG]
• Get your own CMJ FilmFest badge. It's not quite a press badge, but you can certainly use it to pretend that you matter. [Verbose Coma]
• Help the indie lit mag kids from n+1 find a place to party — after this weekend's Times piece, they could probably use a drink. [n+1]
• A heartbreakingly earnest defense of Hoboken. No, not a typo. [Eurotrash]