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• The blissful union of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline continues to crumble, as the rules of the universe dictate Federline's inability to remain devoted after procreating. [Page Six]
• Meanwhile, has Beyoncé Knowles been talking about carrying Jay-Z's baby? We hope so — a baby Hova would be so gangsta! [Gatecrasher]
• Departed Roc-a-feller Damon Dash still knows how to show his dominance: Instead of drive-bys, he'll just roll up in his luxury sedan and yell at you. It's a whole new level of street cred. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Martha Stewart is putting Turkey Hill, her Westport, CT home, on the market, meaning that Bedford Gray is now all she'll ever need. [Page Six]
• Apple CEO Steve Jobs doesn't like being half-Syrian. But who does, really? [Lowdown]
• Sharon Osbourne speaks of poor old twats other than her husband. [Scoop]
• Will Paris Hilton leave America? PLEASE?!? [Radar]