· If Harrison Ford can avoid breaking a hip, we might yet get to see him play Indy one more time: "Yeah, sometimes I find myself getting into stunt pads and preparing to roll down a flight of stairs and wrestle some 26-year-old stunt man across the floor and think, 'What the [bleep] am I doing?' But, you know, it feels so good to do it, so I'll only stop when it really hurts."
· If this report about Britney Spears wanting to have another baby to strengthen her marriage is true (and that's a pretty big "if"), then we clearly haven't given her enough credit for knowing what she's doing with her life.
· Yes, now that you bring it up, we have been curious about what's been going on with Fred Savage's acting career!
· As it turns out, maybe Nellie McKay wasn't just screwing around when she went off on Sony a month ago.
· We had no idea that there were still any Planet Hollywoods, anywhere, but apparently the one in Toronto is shutting down for good.

• In her deposition in the $10 million slander suit filed against her by Zeta Graff, Paris Hilton admits to lying when planting a story claiming Graff had attacked Hilton in a London nightclub. Hopefully, this sort of revelation will lead to her impeachment from the celebutwat circuit. [Page Six]
• Having lost just enough weight to squeeze into her bad idea jeans, Britney Spears looks to have a marriage-saving child with K-Fed. [Scoop]
• Last week, Sean Lennon begged Page Six to hook him up with a date. But sobering up is never fun, and this week he doesn't really care to contact anyone who emailed to offer themselves. [Page Six]
• Supermodel Kate Moss is spotted frolicking about with a new beau, the unimonikered Jamie — who happens to be 11 years her junior. This would be the the fucktoy period of her post-scandal comeback tour. [IOL]
• Tom Brokaw and Harrison Ford are cranky, old. [R&M]

· J.Lo's wedding video is back in her hands, the $1 million ransoming thieves are safely behind bars, and the world can go on not caring about her anymore.
· Can't celebrity video thieves come up with a number besides $1 million? Even hoaxes like this one? I mean, come on! Use your imagination, Dr. Evil!
· How hard is this going to suck?
· But don't sweat it, NBC. We already have the concept for your next hit sitcom!
· Christian Brando is being sued for nearly killing his ex-wife. But did he kill Bonny Lee Bakley?
· The Reeler has gone and done something clever: a top ten of critics' top ten movie lists!
· Hmm, I wonder what's going on over by Cute Overload. Holy shit I just had a cute-induced brain aneurysm.

Blogger Dorking Out had the inspired idea to take a closer look at the source code for the URL for which we y'all weren't ready, kevinfederline.com:

Never one to let the march of progress pass him or his aspiring rap career by, Kevin Federline has launched his very own website, or, as he puts it, "I figured it was time to be a puttin' my pitchers on that there calculatin' machine." Much like its namesake, the site at the time of posting appears not to be working; luckily the AP offers a description of what you would typically see:

Britney Spears and her army of overworked lawyers are suing Us Weekly over the magazine's claim that Spears and Federline have made a sex tape, and so the dutiful lawyers at Wenner Media have made a call to the Us staff:

Britney Spears is suing glossy scoopster Us Weekly for $20 million for publishing a story claiming that she and obedience-challenged lap-husband Kevin Federline screened a personal sex video for their lawyers:

Because celebrities love to FIGHT BACK (!), Britney Spears has filed a modest $20 million libel lawsuit against Us Weekly for publishing a story about her rumored sex tape. The item, which ran in the magazine's October 17 "Hot Stuff" column, claimed that Spears and her half-assed husband Kevin Federline were concerned about the release of a special home video, which they screened with their lawyers. (Oh, who doesn't watch amateur porn with their counsel? Big whoop.)

• We know that it's not the art department's job to know much about politics, but someone should really help the poor fucks at Esquire brush up on the differences between Senator Joe McCarthy and Senator Gene McCarthy. [Off-Topic]
• Former Women's Wear Daily reporter and sexual assault suspect Peter Braunstein was spotted in Memphis two weeks ago. This is all we get after six years of no news on the matter? [Jossip]
• Bloomberg's Transit Strike Contingency Plan: "Commuters encountering MTA workers are asked to throw ROCKS, STONES and PEBBLES." [Cracked]
• You know why we mock hipsters? Because they're probably the ones buying stirrup pants from Urban Outfitters. [JJB]
• We also mock hipsters because they search for personal assistants who are familiar with MisShapes and wear "drainpipe/skinny jeans." This is why they invented suicide watches. [Craigslist]
• Britney Spears tops the Yahoo! Buzz Index as the most searched for term on the internet. Never underestimate the public interest in acne and trailer trash. [Reuters]

• For just $6250, you can breathe the same air as Tom Cruise tonight at the Tribeca Rooftop, where the actor will be raising money for the Church of Scientology's New York Rescue Workers Detoxification Project. Buy a ticket and watch him take your Zoloft away. [Page Six]
• There will not be a Britney Spears/Kevin Federline sex tape, which should help you sleep a little more soundly tonight. [R&M (3rd item)]
• Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter will be investing in a new restaurant occupying Ye Waverly Inn's old space on Bank Street. We're sure Jean-Georges Vongerichten is just terrified. [Page Six]
• Proving that he is the ultimate bastard, Apprentice 2 contestant Raj Bhaktabowtie steals a cab from a woman waiting in the cold. [Lowdown]
• Bob Dylan gets his own show on XM satellite radio. As if you'll be able to understand a word of it. [NME]

• The Bad Santa display on East 18th Street is exactly why Christmas in New York is so fantastic and special. Now give us a bucket of Rudolph's blood! [FishbowlNY]
• It's a female face's worst nightmare, and a lonely vagina's dream come true: the mustache is making a comeback. [NYSun]
• CBS is in the midst of casting a reality-show pilot based around the Upper West Side's York Prep school. Think Laguna Beach, but too close for comfort. [NYM]
• A gay man is arrested for punching a cop. In a pot-kettle twist, the officer's name was Fagley. [Good as You]
• Having a substitute teacher was always a free day, but it's a definite party when the sub starts cutting rails. [USAT]
• Britney Spears fans, having a bit too much time on their hands, launch DivorceKevin.com. Next, her fans will teach the popster how to use the internet. [AdRants]
• LEOTARD! FANTASTIC! The Barbie! [Social Cavity]

A high-level Defamer operative was stymied in his attempts to catch one of the perpetually sold-out screenings of Brokeback Mountain last night, but was rewarded with an encounter with one of celebritydom's best examples of stable matrimony as he opted for a couple of hours with the geishas instead:

While the Learning Annex has typically been our go-to source for bizarre seminars on nondescript shit, we're happy to see that life's lovable losers are branching out to where they're needed most, like Dallas. For $60, one can listen to Joe Simpson (father of Jessica and Ashlee), Bachelor host Chris Harrison, and Britney Spears's personal assistant Felicia Culotta instruct the masses on how to be a star in any career. According to the program, this moving experience "will give tips for being an A-lister in life."

The celestial prophetess gazing into her lunar oracle on black arts enthusiast Britney Spears' homepage is conjuring several dark omens: a cloud of pungent reefer smoke hanging over a newborn's crib; a grown man weeping at the foot of a tow truck operator; and the fast creeping despair of an abandoned and embittered mother, dancing as fast as she can:

• Increasingly tired of footing the bill for her baby daddy's chav-luxe lifestyle, Britney Spears is attempting to repossess the $200k Ferrari she bought for husband Kevin Federline. We assume she'll still pay for his current room and board at the Beverly Hills Hotel, however, which kinda takes away from the effect of his punishment. [Page Six]
• Predictably, the source of the rumors of Jessica Simpson's infidelity may have come from her assistant, CaCee. Never trust someone who can't spell her own name right. [Lowdown]
• If Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes's virgin birth produces a son, will that make him Scientology's baby Jesus? [Scoop]
• It's not that we're bothered by supermodel Gisele Bundchen's insistence that her ass remain covered. It's that she consistently refers to it as her "booty." [Page Six]
• At the Museum of Moving Image's tribute to Ron Howard, an impromptu roast of Russell Crowe ensues. Maybe Russell wouldn't have stolen the spotlight if Opie weren't so damn boring. [R&M]

• In a fit anger, Britney Spears has booted husband Kevin Federline out of their lovenest and into the Beverly Hills Hotel. Good for K-Fed: we're sure Spears is footing the bill. [R&M]
• On their way home from a Thanksgiving weekend spent at a Scottsdale, Arizona spa, Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn are pulled over; the cop smelled a hint of booze and advised Vaughn not to continue driving. And then, because they were white and famous, they were let go. [IMDb]
• Actor George Clooney won't finish his post 9/11 catfight with Fox News screamer Bill O'Reilly, but he'll certainly mention it at any opportunity if it helps promote his new movie. [Page Six]
• Martha Stewart's daughter Alexis experimented with lesbianism, but the bois she dated just didn't know how to bake. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Whoopi Goldberg and Prince Edward, Earl of Wessex? Yeah, we're stumped. [Lowdown]

When the psychic stress of publicly pretending that her long-dead marriage to Nick Lachey was still vital became too much to bear, Jessica Simpson sought the services of a mental health professional. Britney Spears, gripped by fresh despair each time her new baby cried and husband Kevin Federline brusquely declined to comfort the infant because he was too busy working on his "flow," then sullenly retreated to the solace of his background dancing studio, reportedly also floated the idea of a therapist visit. K-Fed essentially replied, "Headshrinkerin' is for crazy bitches, yo, you har me?" The next step (as reported by the infallible celeb-scripture Life & Style) was somewhat more extreme, but perhaps inevitable given her mate's apprehensions about therapy:

• Irate supermodel Naomi Campbell, having had more than her fair share of niceties on Tyra Banks's show, turns her wrath on Nicole Richie, who "disobeyed" Campbell by hanging out with Nicky Hilton. Wait — Nicole is still friends with Nicky? Does Paris know? And how do they acheive such a dangerous balance? [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• As it turns out, Long Island's body armor king David H. Brooks — he who just gave his daughter a $10 million Bat Mitzvah with 50 Cent and Aerosmith at the Rainbow Room — is under investigation by the SEC. But at least his little princess is happy! [Fox411 via Page Six]
• Rapper Jay-Z spends two years writing his memoir with writer Dream Hampton, only to freak and refuse its publication. We appreciate being thus spared. [R&M]
• Jayson Blair overheard at a hotel bar in Columbus, Ohio: "I kept rooting for Judy [Miller] to fuck up the paper more than I did, but not even she managed that." At least someone's rooting for Judy. [Page Six]
• Houseboy Kevin Federline refuses to see a therapist with wife Britney Spears, opting instead for a far more traditional session with a psychic. [Scoop]

• Well, well, well! Look who's on the cover of the latest People magazine: It's the family Federletus! You know, didn't OK! change their Britney-Kevin cover story and bend over backwards with their edit, just to get those baby pics? Yeah, we think they did. Sucks to be them. [People]
• We're thankful for our Adderall abuse, Michael T. of Motherfucker is thankful for his cocaine abuse, and Fancy of Fannypack is thankful for his Asian teen escort abuse. [VV]
• The Holiday Market eats Union Square alive. But the little crafts are so cute, no? [Manhattan Offender]
• The Real David Cross offers his thoughts on the Fake David Cross. [Radar]
• NASA still plagued with pressing dildo problems. [CNN]
• Is that a VULVA on the cover of New York mag, or are you just happy to see us? [Scanner]
• Martha Stewart struggles with whether or not to name her new kitten "Keira Knightley." Seriously. [MarthaStewart]
• The Golden Girls are alive, well, and shilling in Chelsea. It's just not the same without Estelle Getty, however. [OAN]

After a momentary lapse of gossip rag baby-whoring reason, Britney Spears has finally come to her senses and given the go ahead to People to print photos of her with newborn son Sean Preston on their cover. Proud father Kevin Federline is pictured too, his cornrows pulled extra tight, resulting in a convincing simulation of actual smiling: