Last month, nine NYPD sergeants filed a federal lawsuit against New York City, claiming that last year’s lieutenant’s exam had been compromised by widespread cheating. A recent New York Daily News investigation found that cops may have been cheating on the exam for even longer.

When it comes to shelf-stable macaroni and cheese products, today’s consumers expect a premium brand offering a premium product. That’s what makes it so exciting to be alive in the United States of America in 2016.

William K. Rashbaum and Al Baker of The New York Times have a deep dive into the ongoing and increasingly complex federal investigation of two fundraisers associated with a non-profit called the Campaign for One New York, which supported the election of New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio in 2013. Investigators are apparently trying to figure out whether those fundraisers, a real estate executive named Jona Rechnitz and a consultant Jeremy Reichberg, obtained favorable treatment from de Blasio’s administration in exchange for monetary support of the Democrat’s campaign. The problem, though, is that....nobody seems to know what prompted the investigation in the first place:

Donald Trump’s rallies generally boil down to three main points: He’s going to build a wall, Mexico’s going to pay for it, and he’s going to waterboard a bunch of terrorists. It’s hard to imagine any of those things actually happening, but the CIA says the waterboarding plan is 100 percent off the table.

In North Carolina, where it is currently illegal for a transgender person to use the bathroom of his or her choice, a congressman is accusing Bruce Springsteen of being a “bully” by declining to perform there.

A “wake up,” for the unfamiliar, is a term used by soldiers and prisoners in the U.S. when discussing the remainder of their service or sentence. Or, per a user in this Yahoo! Answers thread: “It’s a way of counting how many more days there is left until something happens.”

Perpetually enraged sex columnist Andrea Peyser declares (Jewish) Bernie Sanders “Anti-Semitic,” and contrasts him with Ivanka Trump, who “has given birth to three Jewish children, delighting the tykes’ grandfather.” But is Hillary Clinton a slut? We anxiously await Andrea’s ruling.

Primary rules and regulations have flummoxed the Donald Trump campaign to the point of hiring an actual campaign professional, a pervasive negligence that apparently reached inside Trump’s gilded home—only one of the Trump kids actually bothered to register to vote in the New York primary.

This weekend, after much fanfare, the Boston Globe published a satirical front page, dated a year in the future, imagining a the day-to-day reality of a Trump presidency. Speaking at a rally in Rochester, New York, on Sunday, Trump called the Globe “stupid” and “worthless.”

Even John Kasich—the extremely conservative, arguably evil presidential candidate made moderate only in comparison to how batshit crazy his opponents are—thinks the North Carolina transgender bathroom bill is taking things a little too far.

As The New York Times has it, Bernie Sanders spent his Sunday chowing on sauerkraut-smothered Nathan’s hot dogs and mingling with constituents at a rally on Coney Island, accompanied by both his loving wife and Rock Guy Michael Stipe.

Although for years Donald Trump has staked much of his philanthropic reputation on the claim that he has donated hundreds of millions of dollars of his personal wealth to charity, a recent investigation by The Washington Post reveals that this is far from the case. In fact, many of the gifts that Trump had claimed were simply cash turned out to be free rounds of golf, land-conservation agreements, and actual small parcels of land.

For Kathleen Gutierrez, what was supposed to be a graduate-level education in Tamil literature has turned into a nightmare. She and fellow UC Berkeley student Erin Bennett allege that they have been the targets of persistent sexual harassment from Blake Wentworth, a professor in the department of South and Southeast Asian studies at Berkeley. Tomorrow, the two students intend to file a formal complaint against Wentworth with the state of California. According to The Guardian:

According to The Guardian, Virginia governor Terry McAuliffe has a rather ghoulish decision on his hands: if he chooses to sign the bill currently on his desk into effect before midnight, Virginia prisons will be authorized to execute the accused with an electric chair rather horrifyingly dubbed “Old Sparky.”

“Last night, a patron came to me to complain about being hit by the stage blood. Not only was her sweater stained, but also her Burberry cashmere scarf and more importantly (she cried when she showed it to me) her leather Louis Vuitton bag. I told her that we will pay for the cleaning of her items.”

Despite his earlier insistence that everything between himself and the Clinton campaign is hunky-dory, Mayor Bill de Blasio still seems to be having a heck of a time convincing the high profile presidential candidate to appear in the same room with him.

On Saturday, Ted Cruz polished off his domination of Colorado by collecting all 34 delegates available in the state, enraging the Trump campaign, which responded to the utter and total loss with its predictable amount of vehement vitriol. From The Guardian:

Michael Cohen, an executive vice president at the Trump Organization and special counsel to Donald Trump, retweeted on Sunday evening an endorsement from @RepStevenSmith, Republican from Georgia’s 15th Congressional District, Tea Party Patriot, and parody account.

The Prime Minister of Ukraine, Arseniy Yatsenyuk, said Sunday that he would be resigning from his office, to be formally announced on Tuesday.

Saturday Night Live’s Hillary Clinton continues to be the most likable Clinton out there—admittedly, not a difficult feat.