Michelle Obama Will Never Go Out With You If You Keep Eating All That Junk Food

Botox shox! Stem cell freedom! Michelle my belle! Chronic fatigue! Fatigue of chronic! Chinese babies! Eat more veggies! Body blow! Body blow! Body blow! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—on our way out of town!

• The Botox makers paid a big fine for having the poison used off-label to treat migraines. Now they want to get it actually approved to treat migraines. Over Nicole Kidman's dead body, that's when.
• The ban on stem cell funding has been lifted. Sure great but who's thinking about those who feed their kids by working the stem cell black market? Tragedy moveth softly, in the stem cells.
• Michelle Obama, the pretty girl, is "asking" Congress, the pasty fat boys, to "join her fight" against childhood obesity. Yea you don't have to rub it in pretty girl, Congress gets it.
• Just reading about chronic fatigue syndrome is exhausting.
• "Feds raiding five Vegas medical marijuana dispensaries—that's chronic fatigue!" said Jay Leno, whose guest tonight is Snoop Dogg.
• China may "relax" its one-child-per family rule. Citizens will now be allowed to have zero children, if they so choose.
• The CDC says that American adults don't eat enough vegetables. Are they counting the vegetables in each serving of Chef Boyardee, though? QUESTIONS.
• At emergency rooms, "visits for abdominal pain are rising, but chest pain visits are on the decline." That's cause Yuriorkis Gamboa's been punching people in the gut so fast they can't even have a heart attack, yea! See yall at the fight Saturday in Vegas, holla! Healthy America!