Dick "Dick" Cheney, the defining political figure of 21st century America, is publishing a book next week called Heart: An American Medical Odyssey, about his own health problems. Cheney had the first of his five heart attacks in 1978. What if he had not survived?

"No Vegas experience would be complete without seeing the Entertainment Capital of the World's funniest resident headliner, Carrot Top," according to a news story on the home page of America's third-largest newspaper this morning.

Ben Tausig, the mind formerly behind the Onion AV Club's crossword puzzles and a Gawker pal, has launched the American Values Club Crossword, a weekly subscription crossword puzzle that will feature various notables writing crossword puzzles, because why not? You can go here to buy the inaugural submission, which Tausig co-wrote with Ira Kaplan of Yo La Tengo fame, who is probably an awesome puzzler. Future puzzles are forthcoming from Comedian of Comedy Patton Oswalt and former Oxford English Dictionary editor Jesse Sheidlower. Can't do better for a dollar. (Which is how much each one costs.)

When the great recession struck in 2008, many companies desperate for help turned to Warren Buffett, the world's only well-liked rich guy. He spent the next few years spreading around tens of billions of dollars of investments in distressed companies. How's that working out for him?

Earlier this week, Forbes released its annual breakdown of "Hip-Hop Cash Kings"—the highest-paid rap artists of the last year. It's an interesting calculation for many reasons, including the revelations that Pitbull made more than Drake, that both Nicki Minaj and Avicii brought in more than Kanye, and that the top 20 spots contain five white guys, one of whose names rhymes with Tacklebore.

A five-month-old baby boy was killed on Wednesday night at the Alicante-Elche Airport in Alicante, Spain after his mother, identified as American, placed the baby’s carrier on a baggage belt for oversized luggage.

If you want to hide a raging cocaine problem, all you have to do is tell people you’re going to rehab for a drinking problem. According to TMZ’s latest report, that’s what Zac Efron did when he entered rehab “roughly 5 months ago” and it was “insinuated” he was being treated for alcohol. But Charlie St. Cloud was hiding a much bigger secret on the set of Seth Rogen's new film Neighbors:

A homeless man found a backpack filled with a large sum of money, travelers checks, and a passport outside a Dorchester mall in Massachusetts on Saturday and turned it over to police officers. He alerted Boston police in front of the South Bay Mall TJ Maxx store and gave them the bag filled with $2,400 in cash, $39,500 in traveler’s checks, and a Republic of China passport. The Good Samaritan, according to Boston police, could only provide them with his name and the address of the shelter where he is currently staying.

Trader Joe’s fans are now going to have a harder time defending the store’s “great treatment” of workers. Famous for providing health benefits to even part-time employees, the company announced that all those who work under 30 hours a week will no longer be eligible for company-provided insurance in the new year. Instead they will be forced to pick their insurance policy from the exchanges created under the Affordable Health Care Act.

The mighty rise, and fall, and rise, and fall, and rise again... and fall? Celebueditor and Princess Di necromancer Tina Brown is reportedly not going to have her contract renewed by her financial bosses at The Daily Beast.

Country singer Vince Gill, due to the fact that he is divorced and remarried, was the target of Westboro Baptist Church protestors on Sunday at his concert at the Kauffman Center for the Performing Arts in Kansas City, Mo.

Richard Johnson spent a quarter century turning the New York Post's Page Six column into America's premier tabloid gossip column. Three years ago, he left for a big money gig on the West Coast. Now, he is returning home. Welcome back, you sleazeball!

This year, at the request of students, Florida Gulf Coast University booked Kendrick Lamar and Ludacris as the headliners at its annual "Eaglepalooza" concert. Well— the local sheriff is outraged that FGCU's president— a black man!— would stand for this filth.

Kathleen Parker, a syndicated columnist not worth reading, is one of America's foremost advocates of Racism as Common Sense. "Please," we beg her, "won't you offer your take on the shooting of a white man by some black youths, in order to unwittingly expose your own prejudices?" Yes, she will.

Andrew Ross Sorkin, the whiz kid-ish New York Times Dealbook reporter, sometimes gets unfairly characterized as a bootlicking Wall Street suckup who wants only to ingratiate himself with the powerful. Other times—like today—that characterization is completely fair.

In 2010, the federal government stopped guaranteeing private student loans and started issuing student loans directly. This policy change was designed to, in some way, help alleviate the student loan crisis. How's that going?

Virginia Heffernan was once a high-profile tech and culture writer for the New York Times. For this reason, she is taken seriously. Yesterday, she wrote an essay entitled "Why I'm a Creationist." It amounts to a very specific guide as to why Virginia Heffernan should no longer be taken seriously.

A year ago, we began publishing true stories of unemployment, submitted to us by unemployed people across America. Hundreds of stories later, we are wrapping up the series. This will be our final regular weekly installment. This is what's happening out there.

Nearly 12 million Americans are officially unemployed. Millions more are chronically underemployed, or have dropped out of the work force. This week marks the next-to-last regular installment of our true stories of unemployment. This is what's happening out there.

Edward Snowden is not the first NSA whistleblowers. A small group of others came before him. USA Today got them together, and their conversation is terrifying.