PHILADELPHIA — Welcome to the 27th and penultimate night of the Democratic National Convention. Two nights ago, my close personal friend, First Lady Michelle Obama gave a gorgeous speech that left a nation in tears. Four more years of Michelle, we cried! (Melania Trump no doubt took notes.)

On Tuesday, conservative commentators sprang into actually to “fact check” Michelle Obama’s remark about the White House being built with slave labor, successfully missing the point of her story to note that, hey, lots of non-slaves worked on it too. Bill O’Reilly went one further, however, weirdly stating that the slaves that did work on the White House were “well-fed” with “decent lodgings.”

On Monday, First Lady Michelle Obama took the stage at the Democratic National Convention to give an emotional endorsement of Hillary Clinton. “Leaders like Hillary Clinton,” said Obama, “who has the guts and the grace to keep coming back and putting those cracks in the highest and hardest glass ceiling, until she finally breaks through, lighting all of us along with her.”

As you might imagine, for Barack, running for president is nothing compared to that first game of basketball with my brother, Craig.

Tonight at the Republican National Convention, potential first lady Melania Trump delivered the night’s headlining speech in what was her most important moment in the public eye since she married Donald Trump 11 years ago. The speech was praised by hacks on both sides of the aisle (and the middle), though there might unintentionally be a reason for that: As first pointed out by journalist Jarrett Hill, Melania—or more likely her speechwriters—appears to have lifted at least one crucial section of her speech from the one Michelle Obama gave at the 2008 Democratic National Convention.

Today in Dallas, the city held a memorial service for the five officers killed by Micah Johnson last week. The service was attended by Barack and Michelle Obama, among others. It was, as you would expect, a somber affair for everyone—everyone except George W. Bush, who was ready to fucking party.

Ted Cruz currently trails Donald Trump in Iowa, and his campaign is getting increasingly desperate to make sure people show up to caucus for Cruz tonight. So desperate, in fact, that Cruz is now attempting to reach the last untapped demographic in the state: school children.

GOP candidates definitely know that “Malala” is the name of a prominent person that exists. This much we know. GOP candidates do not, however, seem to have any idea who Malala Yousafzai is—or in Jeb Bush’s case, that she is not, in fact, Barack Obama’s daughter.

Longtime White House florist Laura Dowling was mysteriously fired last month, the Washington Post's Reliable Source reports. Were her "fussy" floral arrangements too "French" for the newly "modern" first lady? Sounds like it!

This episode of Billy on the Street has a lot going for it: Michelle Obama slow dancing with Big Bird, a random woman named Elena, carrots, a poster of Ariana Grande's ponytail, a recitation of Gwyneth Paltrow's 1999 Oscar acceptance speech. It's also very, very funny.

We're constantly being told that "First" "Lady" Michelle Hussein Obama loves health food. Is that right? Oh really? Is that so? Then why is the famous healthy White House chef fleeing at top speed—hmmm??

Summer is ending, and soon America's teens will head back to the new-shoes-on-linoleum-floors hell that is high school. The only thing keeping our weary youth going is FLAMIN' HOT Cheetos®, and now, First Lady Michelle Obama has taken them away. Our nation's school vending machines will have healthy snacks this year.

Dr. Keith Ablow, Fox News' resident psychiatry expert, thinks First Lady Michelle Obama can't be practicing what she preaches in terms of healthy eating. On the daytime lady talk show Outnumbered yesterday, he leaned back in his seat, exposed his gut, and proclaimed: "She needs to drop a few."

The Wrap reports that Joan Rivers "insisted her quick exit was not a PR stunt," regarding her storming off during a satellite CNN interview this weekend. But of course it was—she may not have caused a scene for the sole purpose of selling more copies of her 12th book, Diary of a Mad Diva, she may have been authentically pissed in the moment (or as authentically anything as anyone can be with a camera pointed at her) but...did you know that Rivers had a book out before the clip of her admonishing Fredericka Whitfield went viral?

At today's memorial service for poet Dr. Maya Angelou, former president Bill Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, and Michelle Obama were among the guests who paid tribute to the legendary figure. The First Lady talked poignantly about her friend and the influence Angelou's poem "Phenomenal Woman" had on her as a child.

Ann Coulter's bullshit conservative troll game is slipping. In her zeal to land a jab against... Twitter? Michelle Obama? Nigerian schoolgirls?... she opened a door for her detractors, and they jumped through it with a two-leg flying kick of Photoshop fury.

Barack and Michelle Obama have added their voices to the public grieving of Frankie Knuckles, the Chicago house pioneer who died last month at age 59. Knuckles' frequent production partner David Morales shared via Facebook a letter addressed to Knuckles' family and friends that the President and First Lady signed. It acknowledges Knuckles contribution to culture with high praise: "Frankie's work helped open minds and bring people together, blending genres to capture our attention and ignite our imaginations. He was a trailblazer in his field..."

Michelle Obama tries to assimilate into checks out the Terracotta Warriors with her daughters and her mother in Xi'an, China, on Monday. Image via Alexander F. Yuan/AP.

A pool report from the U.S. press team covering Michelle Obama's tour of China notes that authorities ordered local merchants to hide their stock of "Obama-Mao" T-shirts from a section of the Great Wall where the First Lady and her daughters visited earlier today.

[Michelle Obama plays table tennis at the Beijing Normal School on Friday.Image via Andy Wong/AP.]