The Interpreter star Nicole Kidman will be returning to the film's United Nations location, this time as their latest goodwill ambassador:

• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie want to get married. They also have no desire to get married. Star magazine will report both as fact. [R&M]
• Worried that they too might get bitch-slapped, St. Martin's Press is adding a big fat warning sticker on memoirist Augusten Burrough's just-released galleys. The Smoking Gun boys call this the "James Frey Effect," but we consider it Angry Oprah Prevention. [Page Six]
• Ashley Judd likes to hoard her swag in private, as if we won't know she's a freebie whore. [Lowdown]
• Nicole Kidman is named UN Goodwill Ambassador. She and Angelina Jolie are totally going to be BFF now. [IOL]
• Entourage star Adrien Grenier will tie you up and touch you only with a "couples vibrating ring." Sounds hot. [Page Six]

• Jessica Simpson's assistant CaCee may have been pushing rumors about Simpson cheating on husband Nick Lachey, and now Nicole Kidman's sister Antonia may have slipped to the press about Kidman's rumored engagement to singer Keith Urban. You just can't trust a bitch these days. [Scoop (2nd item)]
• Why we're glad we don't work at Page Six: Paris Hilton personally calls the column to clarify that her ex-fiancé Paris Latsis merely enjoyed a single tequila shot with the heiress and her current beau, Stavros Niarchos. The thought of hearing that abnormally deep voice on the phone gives us chills. [Page Six]
• Gotham magazine cover girl Natasha Richardson hates publisher Jason Binn's penchant for forced photo-ops at his parties. You and the rest of the world, darling. [Lowdown]
• The strap on model Naomi Campbell's dress breaks but is quickly repaired, much to the disappointment of those hoping for a nip slip — including Andre Leon Talley, according to Rush & Molloy. Somehow, we don't think the Vogue queen was too interested. [R&M (3rd item)]
• To clarify rumors from yore, jittery actress Brittany Murphy dumped her manager, not the other way around, nor does she do smack and fuck the help. [Page Six]

The Hollywood Reporter has finally unleashed its annual list of the highest-paid actresses in the business, providing us with a handy metric that helps take the guesswork out of evaluating the true worth of the big screen's fairer sex. And in an utterly unsurprising non-development, Julia Roberts once again triumphs in the only contest that truly matters:

• Nick Lachey is quick on the rebound (as we're sure his marriage to Jessica Simpson just ended last week and not, like, last year); the single houseboy was seen cuddling with a nice set of boobies in Miami. Meanwhile, Tara Reid has ingratiated herself to Paris Hilton's ex-fiancé Paris Latsis, but Latsis is too smart to actually touch the boozehound. [Page Six]
• And on the professional front, Lachey enlists the flackitude of Ken Sunshine (publicist to Ben Affleck and Leonardo DiCaprio) to tackle the inevitable assault from Simpson's new bulldog rep, Rob Shuter. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Pinchedly pretty actress Nicole Kidman continues to spend increasing amounts of time with her "friend," country singer Keith Urban. Kidman and her family spent Thanksgiving with Urban's family in Nashville, and on Saturday night, Kidman and Urban made it to second base. [R&M]
• Claire Danes comes out in favor of anti-depressants; psychiatric medication is Hollywood's new African AIDS crisis.
• Michael Jackson hates all Jews and Italians over the age of 12. [Page Six]

• Once-It boy Fabian Basabe has no problem with the suggestion that he's a complete flame-thrower. But suggest that he doesn't come from money, and he'll sue you for defamation of social class. [Page Six]
• Jay-Z continues to encourage speculation over whether or not Beyonce is carrying his baby. If so, we need to get on a baby name, stat. Roc-a-fetus is just too predictable. [Gatecrasher (2nd item)]
• LA nightlife beast Amanda Demme heads east, spreading her decadence to Las Vegas. If she continues in that direction, it won't be long before she's scheduling a cage-match with our own Amy Sacco. [Page Six]
• Nicole Kidman found out about ex-husband Tom Cruise's crazy baby with Katie Holmes just like the rest of us, via television. And NOT EVEN SHOPPING CURED HER PAIN. [Scoop]
• Lizzie Jennings, daughter of late anchor Peter, will run this weekend's marathon to raise money for cancer research. At this point, we're more interested in who's running the marathon without a pet cause. Someone's got to be running for their own selfish reasons. [Lowdown]

· Have international audiences finally built up a resistance to crap? Even overseas, family-friendly movies like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory are whooping the box office asses of traditionally more popular action flicks. [Variety]
· Hollywood Out Of Ideas, Denial Edition: Nicole Kidman is in "final negotiations" to star in the sci-fi Invasion for Warner Bros., which started out as a remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but now has evolved into "something fresh" that will nevertheless remind everyone of the original movie. [THR]
· Al Gore's Current TV launched Monday, eschewing "shows" for 15 second to five minute long "pods" of programming in recognition of the MTV generation's need to be profoundly bored in the smallest period of time possible. [Variety]
· Matthew Perry takes up residency in the ghetto of basic cable movies even more quickly than we would have guessed. [THR]
· From now on, George Lucas will only disappoint Star Wars fans in the medium of television. [Variety]

Well, that should finally kill the lesbian rumors.

Page Six reports (why don't we get these juicy press releases?) that the Church of Scientology was a little worried about an expose in Glamour, that legendarily hard-hitting publisher of celebrity-religion journalism, dispatching two of its Media Ministers to run interference:

· How deeply was Nicole Kidman involved with Scientology during her marriage to professional detoxification technician Tom Cruise? Pretty deep, according to Page Six.
· You miss the old days of nonstop Cruise coverage, don't you? Genius Bloom County/Outland/Opus cartoonist Berke Breathed explores the link between Ellen DeGeneres, Rosie O'Donnell, and Cruise through the medium of our favorite cartoon penguin.
· Everything you ever wanted to know about Roman Polanski's sex life, but were too afraid to ask.
· Unpaid blogging's Jim Treacher transitions to the ranks of blog-whore (welcome to the club, Treach) by running the site for the movie Blowing Smoke. And we're not linking him because of his clumsy attempts at sucking up (which, frankly, could've been a little more heartfelt), we're just curious to see what kind of Freudian nightmare the cigar-heavy blog becomes under Treacher's stewardship.
· Just because you don't have the rights to a major movie franchise shouldn't stop you from pitching a new sequel around town. Someone is likely to admire your moxie, chuck you under the chin, and, dadgummit, put you right to work!

Hey, did you know that Nicole Kidman has a movie opening today? Well, she does! Don't drag that razor blade across your quivering forearm in punishment just yet—we'd forgotten all about Bewitched too, until we stumbled across this utterly fascinating wire story, in which Kidman reveals the rigorous physical preparation for her role and whether or not she'd like to be granted witch powers for a day:

Nicole Kidman is proving herself to be quite the spiritual wanderer. Raised Catholic (why has there been no official statement about the new Pope?) and nominally a Scientologist during her marriage to Tom Cruise (it seemed like a better idea at the time than being locked in a trunk and drowned at the Celebrity Centre's pool—she wouldn't make that same mistake again), Kidman has apparently exhausted all other theological options and gone back to the Old Book:

· Nicole Kidman is so greedy. What's wrong with the kids she has with Tom Cruise? The fact that Cruise could at any moment detonate the explosive implants the Scientologists installed in their heads if they ever leave the fold is no reason to make them feel like they're not enough for her.
· Sean Penn's so exhausted from shooting All the King's Men that he's going to take a couple of years off from Hollywood. During the hiatus, he'll lose entire days dreamily tracing the scar tissue where he carved Chris Rock's name on his stomach after the Oscars, wondering why everyone thinks he has no sense of humor.
· Fametracker mulls possible titles for Britney Spears' reality show on UPN. We have only one suggestion: Crabs.
· Say what now? Who?
·“I looked up ‘maverick’ in the etymological dictionary, and it basically was a kind of cattle that had been owned by somebody named Maverick that had not been branded. And so I believe the poetry of it is somebody that’s unbranded.” FilmStew talks to Crispin Glover.

Oh, how we love the crumpet-flavored dirt proffered by Popbitch!

From today's LAT:

A reader, concerned that a certain mass-impaired A-list actress might seriously injure herself while partaking in a vigorous exercise fad, sends us this note in hopes that the celeb might take her cardio program down a notch:

· "4/23/03 6:15 p.m. Downtown N/R platform. The girl from Le Tigre. Not Kathleen Hanna, but the one who looks like a dude. She's shorter than I imagined."
· "1. Tuesday a very old looking Danny Glover in Barnes & Noble on East 86 Street. 2. Last night Winona Ryder by Thompkin's Square Park around 1 AM with three other people. 3. Molly Ringwald and Elizabeth Ashley walking on 44th Street by Broadway together. 4. Ethan Hawke by the Virgin Mega Store on Wednesday in Union Square"
· "The Carlson Twins, straight boy darlings of Abercrombie & Fitch, waltzing into Lotus last night to host (cough) last night's Out Magazine party. They quickly strutted in, posed for some photos and never were seen again. They are much shorter than you would them to be, though they had great skin! Practically every guy in the joint was wiping saliva from his lips. Word has it Madonna was supposed to show up too, but alas she wasn't in the hiz-ouse."

· Paris and Nicky Hilton got into a cocktail-tossing brawl with flak-turned-actress, Sarah Howard in LA on Tuesday night. Says one witness, "They are so weirdone minute you think they are normal pretty girls and the next they go crazy." [Page Six]
· Wass, the actor who moonlights as the door god at Pangaea and Suite 16, won't let in French tourists because of the anti-Americanism of the Chirac government. [Page Six]
· Chicago producer Marty Richards wrapped his Oscar "in yards of bubblewrap, miles of masking tape, then a pair of pajamas thenand may the Peninsula Hotel knowstole two towels which he bunched around it, tied the entire enchilada with socks and bought a pink-lined leather bag to give it a comfortable flight to New York." [Cindy Adams]
· Benefits of winning an Oscar: Adrien Brody got Nicole Kidman's phone number after they were photographed together with their awards. [NY Daily News]

· Tom Hanks, Angelina Jolie and "Lord of the Rings" director Peter Jackson will not attend the Oscars. Harrison Ford, Cameron Diaz, Ren e Zellweger, Meryl Streep and Nicole Kidman are on the fence. [Page Six]
· Celebs that are attending the Oscars are ordering armored limos. [Page Six]
· R.J. Reynolds has come up with a cigarette called Eclipse, which produces no second-hand smoke, rendering smoking bans unnecessary. [Page Six]

Nicole Kidman says she can always come up with a list of actresses who can do a better job in her role. "Secret letter" to Stanley Kubrick, Re: Eyes Wide Shut: "Seriously, Stanley, are you high? I cannot speak for Tom. (The Scientologists take care of that. Kid-ding). But as for me ... No. I am not, nor ever have been, in possession of the kind of talent that could support the complicated erotic journey your movie promises to take its perverted audience on. But I've read the manuscript, and while I'm no casting agent, you're right, it does scream Tom Cruise vehicle. So why don't you offer him both roles?"
Acting? What was I thinking? [National Post]