Eh, it'll probably be funnier than 30 Rock.

It's now two hours into Meredith Vieira's debut on the Today show, and we can muster but one feeling: nausea. Not because Vieira's bad — she actually blends seamlessly, as if she'd spent her life preparing for friendly on-air flirtation with Matt Lauer. And she's pretty, so we automatically like her.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but next Monday's series debut of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, fourth-place NBC's extravagant show of faith in troubled-but-gifted West Wing creator Aaron Sorkin, is easily the most important moment in the network's history since an infamous 1949 episode of Texaco Star Theater, in which a clearly intoxicated Milton Berle scandalized a then-record live television audience by allowing his enormous manhood to "accidentally" dangle below the hem of his dress for a full three seconds, threatened the shutdown of their entire broadcast operation. The NY Times visited Studio 60's set recently, where NBC's commitment to Sorkin's exacting vision was apparent:

· A scene from an upcoming Desperate Housewives in which Kyle MacLachlan goes down on Marcia Cross, "with explosive results," according to Variety, was distributed on YouTube. This angered ABC execs, who insist it wasn't an "official leak" intended to build buzz. We're starting to feel extremely nauseous at the moment. [Variety]
· What do Idi Amin, Diane Arbus, Truman Capote and John Lennon have in common—besides being invitees #2 through #5 to the ultimate dinner party/coke-fueled-orgy of our wildest fantasies? They're all the subject of movies at the Telluride Film Festival. [Variety]
· Fox is stumped, not knowing what possibly more than Emily Deschanel's terrific rack audiences could need to show up for their faltering forensics drama, Bones. [Variety]
· NBC swaps the Jeffrey Tambor/John Lithgow sitcom Twenty Good Years with 30 Rock, putting it in the 8:30 slot, because, Kevin Reilly explains, it makes for a "more compatible lead-in to 'The Biggest Loser'." Take from that what you will, Misters Tambor and Lithgow. [THR]
· CBS wins a Thursday night with mainly reruns of CSI and Without A Trace. One can only imagine how well the network would have done had those CSI staff dunderheads not blabbed about the exciting K-Fed surprise. [THR]

Though NBC's Emmy ratings were shitty, the network at least avoided the shame of hosting the Shittiest-Rated Emmys Ever.
[Variety]
Two shocking developments out of ABC: Jimmy Kimmel Live is still on the air (is Snoop Dogg still co-host?), and it's been renewed through 2008. The show plans to celebrate its first 3 1/2 years of existence with the whimsically titled special, Jimmy Kimmel Live's All-Star Salute to Jimmy Kimmel Live!. The fun never stops. [THR]
BET founder Robert L. Johnson's production company for making African-American-centered films, Our Stories, hires its first president and CEO, Tracey E. Edmonds, whose first act was to quickly reject partner Harvey Weinstein's suggestion to change the company's name to Urban Stories so that white people would feel less guilty about ignoring their output. [Variety]
· We're not sure we want to live in a world where someone can set up a movie based on the lives of Elisabeth and Andrew Shue. [THR]
Cruise/Wagner's Paula Wagner cites the "synergy" between her company and the amusement park moneymen who will bankroll their overhead and development costs as the reason for their unconventional partnership, as well as the fact that the diminutive actor has long sought friends who could "sneak him onto the big boy rides at Magic Mountain." That's right, with so many ripe areas to choose from, we go for the hacky height joke. [Variety]

Realzing that adopting a defiant, "Hey, why can't you Kentucky people realize that our plane crash gag had nothing to do with your actual plane crash?" stance in the wake of the controversy over the Emmy telecast's poorly timed, aviation-disaster-based opening sketch (above) would be a PR disaster, NBC has instead issued the inevitable, semi-apologetic press release assuring the aggrieved that the network wasn't trying to score cheap laughs off a fresh tragedy:

Both Var and THR agree: The Emmys took place last night, 24 and The Office won big awards, and HBO extended to six years its run of kicking the broadcast networks' collective asses. [Variety, THR]
NBC soothes the sting of Conan O'Brien's musical ode to the network's current dark days in the Nielsen basement with six Emmy wins, its best showing in years. [Variety]
...but any warm feelings NBC might have derived from its wins were undoubtedly dulled by the fact that no one felt particularly compelled to watch, as the show's ratings we down 15 percent from last year. [THR]
Official Deal or No Deal briefcase inspector Howie Mandel shows he has a strong grasp on the dilemma surrounding this year's swag crackdown by the IRS: "Swag to me means free stuff, and if you pay tax on it, doesn't that kind of negate it?" [Variety]
· The TV Academy handed out four trophies to actors whose series are not returning in the fall, giving the honorees a nice "fuck you" to their networks to place atop their mantels. [THR]

Unsurprisingly, the opening skit of last night's Emmy telecast, in which host Conan O'Brien survives the plane crash that strands him on an uncharted island with the snubbed cast of Lost, didn't go over very well in Kentucky, where just hours before the awards ceremony began, 49 people died in a far less whimsical aviation accident:

"The waiting. Oftentimes, it's the hardest thing a journalist endures." Well, except for maybe getting kidnapped by masked gunmen, but that doesn't stop NBC producer Gene Choo from blogging all gritty and tortured — well, maybe "tortured" is too strong a word — while sitting around in Boulder on the JonBenet Ramsey beat:

Network news: it's the story that just keeps giving. Today the Times takes a long look at the increased level of network news competition in anticipation of Katie Couric's splashy-yet-deliberately-unsplashy debut as the anchor of the CBS evening news. NBC is hanging gargantuan banners of Brian Williams outside of the CBS studio (a technique taken straight from the New York Post) while Williams blathers on about the "anchor-viewer relationship"; ABC's Charlie Gibson is being marketed as "Your Trusted Source," which hearkens back to the late Peter Jennings, whose slogan was "Trust is Earned." Blah trust blah blah trust blah.

Sundance organizers are "thrilled" that the IRS is cracking down on gift bags, while recently re-elected AMPAS president Sid Ganis is sweetly naive about how the crackdown might affect A-list actors' desire to show up at the Oscars and read bad awards presentation Telepromtper copy: "Presenters appear on our show because they want to be part of the Academy Awards, to help us celebrate our art form." [Variety]
The CW assures its affiliates that it has an unspecified "contingency plan" for America's Next Top Model should labor disputes continue past the 13 already-produced episodes of this "cycle," consisting mostly of stopping the camera and shouting at the contestants, "We're gonna cut off your bottled water allowance if you skinny bitches don't do something interesting right now.". [THR]
Will nearly a solid year of online hype boost Snakes on a Plane to a huge opening, or just an OK, B-horror-movie one? That's the motherfucking million dollar question, isn't it? [Variety]
NBC files a complaint with the National Labor Relations Board claiming the WGA has instructed showrunners to refuse to provide material for webisodes, believing that existing contracts allow them to bleed writers for as much web material as they please. [THR]
The "Disco Duck" guy is returning to L.A. radio. Please refrain from soiling yourself from excitement. [Variety]

On Wednesday, SNL mastermind and 30 Rock executive producer put a positive spin on the decision to demote star Rachel Dratch from a lead character to a "wide variety of roles," telling Variety, "The way it's been rewritten, it's a much funnier part." Of course, what he meant to say was, "The way it's been recast, it's a much blonder, more conventionally bimbonic part." Reports today's THR:

· Any time distressing world events might possibly interfere with the entertainment industry's ability to make a buck, we must all pause, take a deep breath, and cry to the heavens, But what about the box office children?! Let the hand-wringing begin as Paramount worries about whether or not the recent scare over explosive-liquid-wielding terrorists blowing up airplanes will affect the opening weekend gross of their movie dramatically recreating that time terrorists actually blew up some airplanes. [Variety]
In an story that only a studio's publicity department could possibly care about, Paramount announces that M:i:III will be the first! movie! ever! in! history! to be simultaneously released in classic DVD, HD DVD, and Blu-ray flavors. We put aside our sarcastic enthusiasm to note with genuine interest the fact that the Blu-Ray version of the DVD will contain a groundbreaking feature allowing the viewer to replace Tom Cruise with any one of five less creepy actors at the touch of a button. [THR]
NBC ensures that it can meet all of syndicated TV's demand for pantsuits and Navratilova haircuts for the near future, renewing Ellen Degeneres' talk show for another three years. [Variety]
· Shitergy alert! ABC rebrands its sports coverage as ESPN on ABC, but stresses that the change will in no way make Chris Berman any less annoying. [THR]
Hollywood Out of Ideas, Fucking Amazing Iron Maiden Songs Edition: Universal closes in on a deal for Christopher Nolan to direct a big-screen version of the TV series The Prisoner. [Variety]

Pixar philosopher-kings John Lasseter and Ed Catmull might find themselves investigated by the SEC for receiving possibly illegal backdated stock options, potentially tarnishing their reputations as Disney's new, infallible Messiahs. [Variety]
· Rupert Murdoch pops a fistful of Viagra, publicly chubs up upon News Corp's announcement that the company boosted earnings 19 percent in the fiscal fourth quarter. [THR]
A Maryland court rules that Brent Redstone's lawsuit against dad Sumner's National Amusements company can go forward, but also decrees he must wait until the completion of the trial to snuff out the old man with a throw pillow while he naps during a Golden Girls rerun. [Variety]
Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson will recapture their How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days chemistry in the adventure comedy Fool's Gold, which is described as "just go rent Romancing the Stone and save yourself a trip to the theater." [THR]
· NBC greenlights reality competition You're the One that We Want, in which viewers choose which singing and dancing contestants will star in a revival of Grease. Travolta's going to look pretty ridiculous trying to squeeze into the old leather jacket during his audition, and even more so when Hugh Jackman beats him out for the part. [Variety]

ICM acquisition of BWCS is called a "perfect" fit, especially once they get rid of all those superfluous agents that might that fit a little too tight for comfort. [Variety, THR]
CBS will cough up the $550,000 indecency fine for showing Janet Jackson's nipple at the Super Bowl, but only because they have to pay the penalty to fight the ruling in court. [THR]
The WGA and America's Next Top Model writers continue to strike outside the show's offices, while The CW continues to dodge their unionization request by telling the strikers to kill a few months talking to the National Labor Relations Board. [Variety]
· Ed Helms will reunite with Daily Show buddy Steve Carell in a recurring role on The Office. [THR]
ABC's American Idol knockoff The One pulls such amazingly low ratings that's it's canceled a mere week after its anemic debut. We'd like to think this means that viewers are tired of AI clones, but we know that seven more series like this will probably rise to take its place. [Variety]

In a refreshingly bold stand against the last-place mediocrity that has plagued his network, NBC's Kevin Reilly promises this season's ratings will be "better" and that "we will not be mired in fourth week after week." Here's to the heady feeling of accomplishment derived from occasionally scrambling into third place! [Variety]
Tina Fey leaves behind the SNL Weekend Update desk to focus on her SNL-based sitcom, 30 Rock. Rachel Dratch joins in the defection, which will mercifully bring an end to the era of Debbie Downer's feline AIDS jokes. [THR]
Pirates 2 takes in another $62 million internationally, with openings in Spain, Germany, Italy, and France—all major centers of pirate interest—still to come. [Variety]
Whether you call them "geeks," "nerds," or "virgin fanboys," the 100,000 Comic-Con attendees once again proved to be voracious, enthusiastic consumers of any preview footage that studios dragged down to San Diego. [THR, Variety]
Lifetime will pay $1.2 million per episode for Grey's Anatomy reruns, hoping that skinny star Ellen Pompeo will slot in nicely with the rest of the network's anorexia-based fare. [Variety]

Last week, entertainment "news" show Access Hollywood reported on its website that incoming CBS evening dominatrix Katie Couric told Access that "she would not venture into the Middle East hot spot," noting that she's a single parent with two children. As talking heads want nothing more than for the viewing public to believe that they are capable of "reporting," this sort of sentiment does not bode well for a network news anchor. But shortly after their story created a stir, Access conceded that the quote had been taken out of context (it was from a May 30 interview and in regards to injured CBS correspondent Kimberly Dozier). The website thus updated their story with Couric's most recent comments on the Middle East, in which she said she would "want to be there."

Shouldering the burden of a fourth-place network's comeback dreams must be a psychically draining undertaking for even the most stable television producer, to say nothing of one who once sought refuge from TV's pressures by curling up with a call girl and a warm, homemade rock of cocaine. At this morning's media session for Aaron Sorkin's Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, the series NBC hopes will help drag the net from the Nielsen basement to the foot of the stairs that it may one day use to climb out of that basement, the Peacock Messiah may have started to show the effects of that pressure with a Freudian crack, er, slip for the ages. Reports TV Week's blog from the TCAs:

Despite early hopes that the Anthony Pellicano Wiretapping Trial of the Century would take down the whole fucking system from the inside!, so little good dirt has been unearthed that a bored Hollywood seems ready to put the whole project in turnaround. [Variety]
James Bond franchise producers Michael Wilson and Barbara Broccoli announce they've invited back Daniel Craig for a 007 film to be released in May 2008, giving the British tabloids another two years to concoct stories about Blonde Bond's desire to incorporate strappy heels into the superspy's staid, tuxdeo-based look. [THR]
NBC is resurrecting the Bill Lawrence pilot Nobody's Watching, which was not picked up by The WB but became a hit on YouTube, by ordering six scripts of the series. Tube-smitten network president Kevin Reilly is also expected to announce the greenlighting of a series consisting of nothing but re-edits of movie trailers in which the leads are presented as gay lovers by the Brokeback Mountain theme playing in the background. [Variety]
· Studio execs are hopeful that the movies they're releasing in the summer "stretch drive" (Talledega Nights, Snakes on a Plane, The Any Bully, etc) will perform well enough not to cost them their jobs. [THR]
· Hollywood is relieved that the government will distinguish between it and the hardcore porn industry in matters of keeping records on the ages of performers who appear in sex scenes, allowing CBS's special episode of CSI, "Preschool Orgy Massacre Autopsy," to proceed unencumbered by annoying bureaucratic red tape. [Variety]