NBC continues to be the dark spot in GE's otherwise cheery quarterly reports, but the company remains publicly optimistic about the fall schedule, which they can easily use to promote their better-performing divisions to make up for an financial shortfall associated with poor ratings. [Variety]
Universal picks up the comedy Shy Guy for Jay Roach to produce, hoping that the Meet the Fockers director can assist in teasing out the subtleties of the relationship between a "retiring bookbinder" and the "impulsive, hard-partying brother" hoping to "blast him out of his shell." [THR]
After his tame treatment of 9/11 in World Trade Center, Oliver Stone stone is ready to stir some shit up with Jawbreaker, a movie about the invasion of Afghanistan and hunt for bin Laden. The script's new draft will be written by the guy who made the fact-challenged The Path to 9/11 such a hit with the Clinton Adminstration. [Variety]
· The CW's pilot Ghosts is described as "a young Grey's Anatomy in the FBI." Are we already supposed to feel like Grey's horny doctors are too old? [THR]
The unexpected success of new NBC game show 1 vs. 100 may herald a long-delayed Bob Saget renaissance. [Variety]
· We should probably note that Variety's web site just got a nice makeover, but the speed of the rotating images at the upper left has made us too queasy to spend much time lingering on the front page. Then again, maybe we just had too much to drink with breakfast. [Variety]

In easily the strangest TV news of the day, NBC signs up Jon Lovitz to star in the unscripted comedy Bad
Judge, in which he will play a "heightened" version of himself (read: encouraged to constantly lapse into his old SNL characters) who hands out unfair—but hilarious!—decisions in real legal cases. [Variety]
NBC's premiere of its new block of Must See Shows With Numbers in Their Titles TV fails to excite audiences, as 30 Rock and 20 Good Years finish third in their respective timeslots. It's starting to look like viewers won't support even a single behind-the-scenes-of-a-sketch-comedy-show series, much less one each from the sitcom and drama genres. [THR]
Noted North Korean cin aste Kim Jong Il's testing of his new nuclear toys isn't stopping stop film executives and journalists from attending the Pusan Film Fest in South Korea, Asia's most important film event. [Variety]
· In other TV-shows-with-numbers-in-the-title news, CBS will give recently cancelled Smith's Tuesday night timeslot to 3 Lbs., its hunky-neurosurgeon drama starring noted boob-tube albatross Mark Feuerstein. His involvement requires us to predict that it will be off the air after no more than five episodes. [THR]
Fox TV Studios nabs the rights to make The Devil Wears Prada for TV, which they'll develop for their broadcast mothership as a single-camera comedy they envision as "like Ugly Betty, but much better looking." [Variety]

While it was previously believed that Aaron Sorkin's much-discussed, edgy reworking of Gilbert and Sullivan's "The Major-General's Song" in the cold open of the fictional Studio 60's first episode under the Albee/Tripp regime owed a creative debt to David Hyde Pierce's performance of the same musical number on SNL some years ago, we think we've now found the true source of Sorkin's inspiration. Given his recently observed love of animated slapstick and his demonstrated unfamiliarity with material one might actually see on sketch comedy shows (at least as evidenced by the "Science, Schmience," "Commedia Dell'Arte," and "The Curious Case Of The Not-So-Stolen Hot Pockets and Bombs Monologue On What Is Wrong With America" incidents), it seems much more likely that he was influenced by the song-and-dance talents of Yakko, Wakko, and Dot* rather than a long-forgotten SNL bit.

As breathlessly reported by every news outlet on Earth yesterday, Google buys YouTube for $1.65 billion. Meanwhile, CBS makes a deal to split the ad revenue from "daily, short form content" they'll provide to YouTube, and to divide up any money they might make by selling ads around material posted by users that violates their copyrights. Fun! [Variety]
· David Lynch will self-distribute his latest film, Inland Empire, which promises to be even more incomprehensible than Lost Highway. [THR]
The still-iffy Studio 60 rebounds 12% from last week's disappointing numbers, despite the show's baffling insistence that a preachy monologue about America dropping Hot Pockets along with bombs was even remotely funny enough for a writer to bother stealing. [Variety]
Not wanting Wal-Mart to hog all the retail chain exortion fun, Target writes a letter to the studios hinting that they might not support their DVDs if cheaply priced movie downloads cut too deeply into their home video business. [THR]
Terrence Howard joins Robert Downey Jr. in Iron Man as the hero's confidante/rival who probably won't get his own armored set of Underoos until a sequel. [Variety]

Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes production company signs a three- year deal with Rogue Pictures, enabling the shingle's sacred mission of producing completely unnecessary, ill-advised remakes of beloved horror films on the cheap. [Variety]
Google is reportedly in talks to buy YouTube for $1.6 billion, eager to take on the challenge of defending a newly acquired online property from billions of dollars in copyright infringement lawsuits. [THR]
NBC gives Heroes, its hybrid superhero drama/instructional garbage disposal safety series, a full season pick-up. Meanwhile, the network might stash less-successful newcomer Kidnapped on Saturday nights, where no one will notice when it's quietly cancelled. [THR]
With the costs of television series always increasing, the networks look to bleed international TV buyers of every last Euro to help keep themselves rolling in cash. [Variety]
Universal buys the rights to the NY Times article "In College Football, Big Paydays for Humiliation" for Jack Black to produce, the story of football teams who accept huge sums of money to have their asses kicked by more successful programs. The eventual movie, it should go without saying, "would be a lighthearted take." [THR]

Late yesterday, when we noted corporate garbage disposal behemoth Emerson Electric Co. lawsuit against NBC over Heroes' unauthorized, potentially defaming depiction of one their fine waste-elimination products, we weren't able to hunt down pictures of the disputed scene. But we've finally obtained screen captures of the grisly, brand-besmirching images, which we've helpfully assembled into a collage demonstrating the network's clear attempt to portray the featured InSinkErator™ device as a looming, cheerleader-mangling black hole from which no teenage extremity could possibly escape unflayed. NBC still maintains that Emerson's claims are without merit, but in the interest of insulating themselves from further frivolous lawsuits, plan to remove a controversial scene from the show's fourth episode, where the rapid-healing character further demonstrates her invulnerability to kitchen appliance injuries by placing her bare foot in a whirring Sunbeam blender.

If you were unfortunate enough to catch the premiere of NBC's ludicrous superhero snoozefest Heroes, you might have enjoyed the image above where a girl jams her hand into a running disposal, apparently shredding her flesh and digits. Despite the carnage, she's ultimately unharmed, because she has the regenerative abilities of a common earthworm, starfish, or other invertebrate (will her severed fingers regenerate into duplicate girls? stay tuned!). Anyway, Emerson, the maker of the disposal — ingeniously named the "In-Sink-Erator" — is suing NBC, claiming that the show casts their product in an unsafe light. "It's a trademark thing," says one company spokesman. So feel free to jam your extremities right down into your In-Sink-Erators, because there's nothing safer than a damp, dark hole full of whirring blades.

NBC is currently living every legal clearance department's nightmare, as a perfectly innocuous scene from the pilot episode of new drama Heroes, in which the series' indestructible cheerleader character demonstrates her rapid-healing abilities by jamming her hand into an InSinkErator™ brand garbage disposal, has resulted in a lawsuit by the manufacturer seeking to prevent the network from re-airing that show:

From the overflowing Nobody Knows Anything file: NBC is finding that all of their promotion of Studio 60 hasn't yet bought a hit, while lesser-hyped Heroes is getting the results that Aaron Sorkin is being paid untold millions to deliver. [Variety]
Rachael Ray scores the best opening week syndicated ratings since Dr. Phil, ushering in a new, perkier era of midday talk show evil. [THR]
In Russia, Kazakh period epic Nomad may face off against Borat for control of the "screen image" of the recently prank-besieged Central Asian nation. If Fox actually releases the Borat movie over there, the nomads aren't going to stand a chance against Sacha Baron Cohen's merciless, culture-ravaging onslaught. [Variety]
Dancing with the Stars crushes first-hour timeslot rival Friday Night Lights, which NBC will probably soon move from Tuesday night to Fridays to alleviate viewer confusion over its currently misleading title. [THR]
Kanye West is returning to William Morris after a brief, unsatisfying fling with CAA. Say it with us now: "CAA doesn't care about black people." [Variety]

20th Century Fox wins a bidding war for the rights to Moneyball author Michael Lewis' just-released football book The Blind Side: Evolution of a Game, his latest sport-related tome that a studio hopes to one day figure out how to make into a movie. [Variety]
The Bourne Ultimatum began shooting this week without a bad guy, but an offer has gone out to Gael Garcia Bernal. Should Universal not close a deal with Bernal and fail to find another acceptable antagonist, the story will be hastily rewritten to have Matt Damon battle only his inner demons. [THR]
While the fictional Studio 60 triumphantly added 9 percent to its promising premiere numbers and temporarily got monotone, constantly half-smiling network president Jordan McDeere off the hot seat, the real Studio 60 was down 17 percent in the key demo from last week and 30 percent from its first episode. NBC president Kevin Reilly is probably not kissing Aaron Sorkin on the cheeks and thanking him for saving his job quite yet. [Variety]
· Democratic governor hopeful Phil Angelides pledges his support for the entertainment industry, but makes the crucial miscalculation of not working in memorable quotes from his action film career at every opportunity. [THR]
· Fans of international film financing deals will find find their naughty parts pleasantly atingle as they read the details of the $300 million in funding Paramount has lined up —just try not to get up from your desk until the erection subsides, money nerd. [Variety]

Entertainment Weekly's PopWatch blog notes that on an improv theater internet message board discussing the merits and missteps of frequent Defaker fodder Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip, an astute Sorkinologist had an acute moment of déjà vu when Sarah Paulson's character storms in on Matthew Perry during a writer's meeting:

• Tao Lin and Whitney Pastorek star in the world's most boring literary feud. [RODB]
• More sushi for Julie Buxbaum! [Above the Law]
• Flash mobs: The second generation is even douchier than the first. [Gridskipper]
• Former NYT neediest case not exactly helpful to the needy. [NYDN]
• New York is the new Sacramento: Ruby Tuesday is coming to town! [AP]
• NYT cannot get enough of Peter Gelb, the Met's new general manager. It's like they're related to him or something. [NYT]
• NBC harnesses the power of YouTube. This gets a little meta. [YouTube]

Heroes premieres strong, beating CBS's comedy block of Two and a Half Men and Old Christine. Meanwhile, Studio 60 was down 16 percent from its premiere, a ratings drop-off that might force Aaron Sorkin to finally address the network's note that he find a way to replace Bradley Whitford's cocaine addiction with a superpower. [Variety]
Fox's new series are already "fading fast," (yup, sure seems that way), but no network really seems to have a breakout hit so far. [THR]
Once the season earmarked for Oscar contenders, the Fall is now ruled by horror franchises and genital-torture comedies. [Variety]
· Hollywood PanderingWatch: The Governator assures his entertainment industry friends that his reelection will give them a "built-in lobbyist" in office. To his credit, he did stop short of promising state subsidizes to guarantee all locally produced movies have healthy opening weekends. [THR]
North Korea's Pyongyang Film Festival continues to bar Hollywood movies or stars from its competition, a slight that will eventually be used as justification for a full-scale American invasion of the country. [Variety]

Not that we'd ever suggest that you need any help whatsoever in getting shitfaced while sitting in front of a television, but the Foma blog has already come up with a drinking game for Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, which we pass along in the hope that you can put it to good use during tonight's second installment of the series:

With NBC being pulled from all sides over the crucifixion number in their upcoming broadcast of Madonna's Confessions Tour—the Catholic League on one side urging the network not to air what they interpret to be a reckless act of blasphemy, the Official Madonna Fan Club on the other insisting the entire disco-torture sequence would fall apart without it—Madonna has finally spoken out on her exact intentions:

While we found Defamer doppleganger Defaker, NBC's attempt to virally promote Studio 60 through a blog that seems to report gossip about the show's fictional universe in the form of interminably long episode summaries, an uncomfortably accurate commentary on our own half-assed efforts in the medium, we did unexpectedly discover something on the site to occupy our time: the open comments section of their inaugural post, a weird place where messages indulging the blog's premise (seemingly both from NBC staffers and people willing to play along with the joke), reviews of the show's pilot episode, opinions on the site's execution of its viral vision (verdict: try harder if you're going to bother), and general ragging on Amanda Peet's acting ability uncomfortably coexist. Here's a round-up of our favorite examples from the past couple of days:

To answer a couple of questions we're being frequently asked today: 1) Yes, we're aware of Defaker, NBC's brave foray into interwebinated promo-virality, which apparently attempts to plug Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip by adopting the guise of a grammatically challenged gossip blogger who writes about the show's characters from the ultra-insidery perspective of someone with a television capable of receiving a network broadcast; and 2) No, we don't have anything to do with it, even though the site bears what is certainly an incidental resemblance to this one in name, design, and lack of facility with the English language. (If you don't believe us, take a closer look—there's not a single nipple slip or Lohan joke, and they've only put up one post in 24 hours, a crime which our blogging overlord would punish by sending a goon to shock our genitals with an electric cattle prod.) In any case, we wish the folks at NBC the best of luck with their continuing online marketing endeavors on behalf of Studio 60, which we're told include a series of cutting-edge YouTube videos starring a Lonelygirl look-a-like who struggles to find a way to tell Aaron Sorkin that she's only interested in him as a friend.

Perhaps sensing a chance to finally seize back some of the attention lavished on Aaron Sorkin's behind-the-scenes-at-SNL drama Studio 60, nonfictional late-night variety show strongman Lorne Michaels made public some behind-the-scenes drama at the actual, constantly churning SNL, announcing that longtime cast members Chris Parnell, Horatio Sanz, and Finesse Mitchell won't be back for the new season. (But unlike the recently departed Tina Fey and quickly demoted and recast Rachel Dratch, it doesn't appear that they've got gigs on NBC's other behind-the-scenes-at-SNL series, 30 Rock, to cushion their departures.) For those looking to keep their scorecards up-to-date, surviving the annual, bloody player-purge are Fred Armisen, Will Forte, Bill Hader, Darrell Hammond, Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeikis, Kenan Thompson and Kristen Wiig, with Meyers potentially taking over Fey's Weekend Update chair. The story gives no indication how Michaels plans to eventually fill the Straight Man, Fat, Ethnic-Enough Guy, and The Other Black Guy roles vacated by Parnell, Sanz, and Mitchell, but the cost-cutting network probably prefers that he find a single, shape-shifting Groundling who will work for scale to plug those holes in the pared-down ensemble.

After months of hype declaring prodigal showrunner Aaron Sorkin as perpetually fourth-place network NBC's Nielsen Messiah, the (preliminary) ratings numbers for Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip's breathlessly anticipated premiere are finally in. And? While NBC seems to have edged out longtime tormentor CBS for first place in both overall viewers and the coveted™ 18-49 demographic, the Peacock's savior was proven to be the bald-pated, OCD-riddled ringmaster of their lowbrow, people-shouting-at-briefcases circus, not their troubled, celebrated dialogue-stylist. Reports Zap2it.com: