Who's the newest Six Sigma expert? Tina Fey. The cultish quality process observed by her employer, NBC Universal, is a predictable source of profitable laughs for her show, 30 Rock and all too real.

In your pleasant Thursday media column: Jay Mariotti is an asshole, Teens can't read, checks are bouncing, and more:

On all the liberal conspiracy networks — CNN, MSNBC, etc. — the inauguration is the most momentous event ever. History! For those who hate hope, Fox News is on the air. Compare after the jump.

• Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim Helù has pumped $250 million into the beleaguered New York Times Co. [NYT]
• Newsday's editor-in-chief and managing editor have been absent from the office the past few days and it's still unclear what exactly happened. [NYP]
• Matt Cooper has joined Talking Points Memo as editor-at-large. [Politico]
• For the first time, movie ads will appear during this year's Oscars. [AdAge]
• NBC says 90 percent of its Super Bowl ads have been sold. [AP]
• Jennifer Aniston on the cover of Vogue in December and GQ in January provided a nice boost to both titles. [WWD]

The Inauguration of Barack Obama is on every channel in the world, but there is a problem: nothing will "happen" for another hour or so! So which channel should you watch to kill time until change comes?

· TV is readying itself for the inauguration orgy, beginning Sunday and not stopping until 20 cable news cameras are trained on a White House bed for the inaugural Taking of the First Lady. [Variety]

• How do you keep your magazine afloat? Put ads on the cover! [NYT]
• NBC is renewing 30 Rock, The Office, and The Biggest Loser. [AP]
• Music sales fell by about 7 percent last year. [NYT]
• The head of Hearst Magazines International is retiring. [NYP]
• Clear Channel is cutting $400 million in costs. [NYP]
• The Minneapolis Star Tribune has filed for bankruptcy. [AP]
• Donny Deutsch's ad agency is laying off staffers. [AgencySpy]

NBC potentate Jeff Zucker and loyal henchperson Ben Silverman had the aura of proud parents watching their 30 Rock children collecting Globes—but they made the unusual decision to avoid the podium entirely at TCA.

· Seriously: NBC is developing Barely Legal, a half-hour comedy featuring Hilary Duff as an 18-year-old who becomes California's youngest lawyer. Naturally, when it fails, Ben Silverman will blame Larry Flynt. [THR]

• NBC's Lauren Zalaznick is forming a "panel" to help marketers target women. Just a few who have joined the program: Maria Bartiromo, Meredith Vieira, Candace Bushnell, Shelly Lazarus, and Tori Spelling. [AdAge]
• Hearst's Cathie Black is expected to sign a new 3-year contract. [NYP]
• The FT has let 80 people go. [Guardian]
• The first Madoff-related book, Catastrophe: The Story of Bernard L. Madoff, The Man Who Swindled the World, will be out in March. [NYP]
• ABC is thinking about bringing back Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. [TVW]
• Magazines like O, Glamour, W, Marie Claire and Teen Vogue all posted sharp declines in sales during the last few months of 2008. [WWD]
• The networks that went home winners at the Golden Globes. [Variety, NYT]

Lipstick Jungle's fate is sealed, but poor Brooke Shields appears determined to tune out the bad news. Although the show's finale airs tonight and co-star Robert Buckley has already signed on to star in a new CW show, none of that appears to be fazing Brooke, who says she's keeping the faith and "not going to give up" because "we keep getting emails" and "they're all positive." Too bad they don't hand out a Norman Vincent Peale Honorary Emmy for Optimism. Brooke would be a shoo-in! [Us]

Two months ago, the Today show's Hoda Kotb swore "I don't drink really that much!" Really? This compilation is an intervention. Hoda, you may drink more than the entire cast of Fox & Friends.

Hard to believe The Biggest Loser is already upon us—it feels like the finale was just a couple weeks ago. (It was? Oh.) Prepare for some firsts, including the heaviest, oldest, and now abusiest contestants!

After all the "banning" bullshit, NBC had Ann Coulter on the Today show this morning. She is that person you didn't want to invite to the party, but did, and then wished you hadn't.

Momma's Boys has quickly become an unhealthy Defamer preoccupation, the explosive possibilities of adding overbearing mothers to the hot-tubs-and-fake-boobs reality formula sending us into convulsive fits of trash TV ecstasy.

After hilariously bumping Ann Coulter from Tuesday's show for Perez Hilton, NBC's Today asked the conservative simpleton on the next day, an olive branch she accepted with grace and wit. Hahahahahahaaa.

Ann Coulter has a new book out called GLORBAHLF: LIBERAL TERROR DEATH and she was going to go sell this book on Today but then NBC woke up and remembered that its not 2002.

As Jimmy Fallon hones his chops in a digital broom closet at NBC.com, he can take comfort in knowing at least one influential tastemaker is behind his late show efforts one hundred percent:

• Despite the change in moderators, NBC's Meet the Press continues to dominate the Sunday morning competition. [THR]
• MTV has canceled 50 Cent's reality show. [NYP]
• The New York Times Co. is busy trying to raise capital, but the company may have to take more radical action to turn the ship around. [Reuters]
• Magazine editors on how to find happiness in 10 minutes or less. [WWD]
• It's been a lousy year for most media moguls, but Liberty Media's John Malone appears to have had the least miserable one. [NYT]

Obviously we live in a cruel and absurd universe of well-rewarded idiocy and undeserved second chances, but if we didn't, these are the ten people you'd meet in the nu-depression's breadlines.