Cooter, of course, has always been our arbiter of good taste.

• OMG! BRAD PITT HOSPITALIZED WITH RARE AFRICAN SEX VIRUS! Only tribal lovemaking with Angelina Jolie will save him now. [Defamer]
• Whose clothes fell off during a performance? Mariah Carey's. Whose flesh you really didn't want to see? Mariah Carey's. [ContactMusic]
• The cokeheads have asked us to point out how this headline makes cokeheads laugh. [NYT]
• Demi Moore sells out for Versace, and God forgive us for saying so, looks a lot better than Madonna when she does. [TCH]
• We love the idea of a round-robin assassination tourney in NYC. Pity it's with water guns. [Street Wars]
• Those Real World/Road Rules challenge shows don't just kill brain cells. They kill sea turtles, too. [B&C]

We're hardly halfway through our latest pack of Ortho (yes, we're using the royal "we," because everyone at Gawker is either a woman or gay and on womanly hormones) and already we're perusing online baby store Buy Buy Baby. We blame a reader, however, for our latest maternal obsession: The gift registry for skank-chic actors Michelle Williams and Heath Ledger of Brooklyn, NY. You can buy Mommy Michelle a Breast Friend pillow in a lovely shade of "stonewash," or, if you're feeling particularly generous, why not splurge and pick up the Volo Stroller in peony — a steal at $99.99.

• Kirstie Alley and Kelly Preston compare Ritalin to cocaine and heroin. We'd agree on the former, which is why we're such huge fans, but heroin? That's unfair. [Page Six]
• And the Worst Pet Husband Ever award goes to J.Lo's love, Marc Anthony, who submitted a witty "Fuck you" scrawled on paper as an illustration for a charity drive. [Lowdown]
• Even celebrity children's books need ghostwriters. Allegedly, Madonna's Kabbalah friendly kids' books were actually written by the Centre's Eitan Yardeni. Fair enough — who has the time, really, to write 300 words or less? Besides us, we mean. [Page Six]
• An HBO documentary about Yankee legend Mickey Mantle will feature his mistress, Greer Johnson. Somewhere in the Bronx, an old man weeps. [Gatecrasher]
• We're really ready for Jeanette Walls to return to her Scoop column, if only so MSNBC.com will take down that annoying TomKat photo. [Scoop]

A Newsweek interview with actress Natalie Portman reveals how truly safe we are from the threat of terrorism:

Per usual, we can't attest to whether or not this is actually a legitimate ad, but a reader with a Yahoo! Personals habit has alerted us to a very heartfelt listing:

After joining the ladies, Tom then begins his ritual couch-jumping.
Reason number 472 to avoid Star Jones: It's War of the Worlds Day on The View, which means Tom Cruise and his bearded bride-to-be are bouncing right into Barbara Walters' lap. When asked to explain his recent antics, Cruise earnestly said, "I can't restrain myself." After the jump, visual proof that this is, indeed, the case.

A Tennessee footsoldier invades the streets of New York.

Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod, the unthinkable has happened: Ben Affleck has officially tied Jennifer Garner to his falling star, as the two exchanged matrimonial vows last evening on what we're sure was a very lovely, very exclusive, and very "perfect" beach in Turks and Caicos. The National Enquirer reports that Garner's Alias co-star Victor Garber was present, along with... Yeah, just Victor Garber. If he plays her father on tv, he's certainly good enough to roll Garner's pregnant mass down the Caribbean aisle.

Yes. We know. Your friend's friend's friend just got back from L.A., where he/she heard the following juicy details:

Battle evil Koopa Troopas through 8 exciting Operating Thetan levels; with just a slip of your right hand, you can rescue Katie Holmes!

You know what we're tired of? Decorating our apartments like plebs. How much longer are we to tolerate the half-assed vases from Pottery Barn and wall-hangings procured from Bed, Bath & Beyond? The banality of it all is killing us. We need an alternative.

• If Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise do try to breed, don't worry — chances are, the Scientology handlers will urge Holmes to have an abortion. Phew. [Page Six]
• Lindsay Lohan reportedly collapses at an LA gym, but don't be so quick to judge. Snorting and starving takes a lot of energy, you know. [Ananova]
• When Britney Spears poops out her Federletus, it will be in a very posh Arizona room with lots of roses. As if Bit Bit would have it any other way! [Scoop (2nd item)]
• Former rap video groupie Karrine Steffan's tell-all tells you more than you really want to know. Do we really need the details of Shaq's package? [R&M]
• Poor Lauren Bush, despite being a few hours away from her 21st birthday, is denied entry into boozy Bowlmor Lanes and silently curses alcoholic cousins for ruining everything. [Page Six]
• ODB's widow throws legal threats at Damon Dash, who plans on using the late rapper's initials on a line of sneakers. Inexplicably, this update has been brought to you by Lloyd Grove and his porcelain sidekick, Hud Morgan. [Lowdown]

When you feel like your favorite celebrities' lives are spinning out of control and you're looking for something to hold on to, something with meaning, do what our favorite celebublogger Rosie O'Donnell does and turn to art.

You've seen the book countless times — during commercials on daytime TV when you stayed home from school as a kid, in enormous displays in weird bookstores, alongside the strange people offering free stress tests as you change from the N/R to the 2/3 in the Times Square subway station. You know it spawned a religion. You know it turned Tom Cruise crazy. But have you ever actually read L. Ron Hubbard's masterpiece, Dianetics? Of course not. So in our current Scientology-infused era, Salon's Laura Miller gamely took one for the team.

In honor of Tom Cruise's burgeoning retardation, Salon has published the first of a four-part series on Scientology's rising star. As it turns out, Tom Cruise is not reacting to the madness that comes from years of repression — rather, he's just happy about his climb up the Scientology ladder:

Click for the enlarged, aesthetically perfect, real-life interpretation.

• It was only a matter of time before we were faced with Katie Holmes' faux resume. Precious, indeed. [Hatch]
• Boldface Campbell Robertson on Winona Ryder: "We found her charming and heartfelt and unpretentious. But boy could she talk... The moon waxed and waned. Our tape recorder needed a smoking break." [NYT]
• Henry Kissinger doesn't appreciate it when the Post doesn't get his dog's name right. [Howard Sherman via Amy's NY Notebook]
• We all know blogs equal book deals; now it's time to tailor your site to hungry publishers. [Blagg Blogg]
• Dude, Arianna, what the fuck? [HuffPo]

• Tom and Katie (need we identify them anymore?) skip the after-party for the War of the Worlds premiere, presumably for some last minute auditing. [Fox411]
• As long as we're on the subject — and when aren't we? — tell us why, again, Scientology is a tax-exempt religion? Katie Holmes' accountant probably wants to know. [Page Six]
• Porn stars Ron Jeremy and Tabitha Stevens are claiming they made a sex video in Howard Stern's studio after-hours. This doesn't surprise us. What does, however, is that Stern isn't happy about it. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Rich people still hate fireworks, perhaps because the entertainment's color palette conflicts with their new St. John's jacket. [Page Six]

No, Tom and Katie didn't get married on Letterman last night. But — and we're as shocked about this as you are — we weren't wrong that the Late Show staff was judge-shopping yesterday afternoon.