Guess you have other plans, Matt.

McSweeney's has an advance look at the books that will be banned in the year 2191. It's a shame to see that our childrens' children won't have learned from our mistakes: half of these books will probably be published by Judith Regan's preserved brain in a jar of formaldehyde:

Let it never be said that Michelle Malkin isn't one of those "cool moms"—you know, like Amy Poehler in Mean Girls.

Dale Peck carries an ax... M. Scott Peck wears glasses.

So many shrub-trimming jokes, so little time.

Text shown actual size, which is equal to whatever font you used to squeeze an extra page out of your 8th grade book report.

· Perhaps paraphrasing Lloyd Bridges in the Airplane! series, Times editor Bill Keller says "This is not a time when editors swear off alcohol. [Columbia Spectator]

Today's readymade movie treatment comes courtesy of The New York Times' Charlie LeDuff, who breaks down the plot of next Christmas' funny, touching buddy flick starring Brad Pitt and (making his big screen debut) the fat dude from Lost. Call it A Heart As Big as The Desert:

Last night on Larry King, Growing Pains star Tracey Gold spoke about her felony arrest for driving drunk, injuring her husband and one of her young children:

Just moments after we published a tiny piece of commentary regarding the Times' profile of publicist Ronn Torossian, we received an email (subject header in capital letters, of course) from the man himself:

For those of you at 4 Times Square who were hoping for one of those House & Gardenburger deluxes or some piping hot New Yorker clam chowder, think again. A tipster sent us this memo:

We're not sure what exactly merits the profile of publicist Ronn Torossian in Sunday's Times; from what we can tell, he's just as self-promoting as expected and loves to talk shit about his peers. He also loves legal messes, as demonstrated when his client Jamie-Lynn DiScalia was insulted by the executive of a casino who had hired the actress for promotional work:

In today's Times, David Carr offers a fond appreciation for Hunter S. Thompson, the person who, in our dreamworld, would've had his Sidekick hacked on the same day as Paris Hilton killed herself.

James Wolcott has some funny things to say about Jeff Gannon/James Guckert on Anderson Cooper—and, no, that is not more anchorman slash fiction.

Somehow The Times 'City' section managed to run an entire story on the Mott Street arcade Chinatown Fair without mentioning its most famous attribute: for decades, it was the home to New York's Tic-Tac-Toe playing chickens.

In mandatory 'Gates' news, New York Magazine finds a novel approach to the city's most written about public art project: how do 'The Gates' impact dogs? Apparently dogs actually urinate on Christo's masterwork (and some dogs even crap on The New York Times!), and, like philistines, they're afraid of them.

Proving there's nothing he can't make just a little more superficial, Wallpaper* founder Tyler Brûlé looks at TV talking heads in the new issue of T (The Times style magazine, don'tcha know) and wishes they could be a lot more fabulous:

Hunter S. Thompson killed himself yesterday, as readers of The New York Times, The Washington Post, and the frantic late-night emails from their most self-styled 'degenerate' friends knows.

This week on Topic A, Tina takes a complete holiday from reality and sticks with entertainment-focused subjects. Mark Burnett emerges from his Shame Cave to discuss the suicide of a contestant from his latest reality show, Simon Doonan initiates a Laura Bush style-watch, and then there's usual talk of pills and therapy. After the jump, Henry the Intern files his weekly report on Tina's half-ring circus.

File this under 'W' for 'We would've preferred it not to be illustrated.' William Grimes reviews Philip Short's Pol Pot: Anatomy of a Nightmare in today's Times and tells us: