The Scoop notes baby-durability-tester Britney Spears may sue the makers of the high chair that her 7-month-old son was sitting in moments before a failed escape attempt resulted in a non-serious infant skull fractures and subsequent visit from family services:

This summer armageddon will rain down on our planet in the form of multiple musical vanity projects from the world's most over-exposed, blank-brained tabloid fixtures. But while Paris Hilton's skanktronic release is rumored to possibly be (pause to dry heave) not as God awful as we had hoped, couch-husband extraordinaire Kevin Federline's Playing With Fire, due this August, most assuredly is. The album is already getting KFed in legal trouble, as the second single, "America's Most Hated," samples from 1980s synth-freak Thomas Dolby's "She Blinded Me With Science" without the artist's permission. (No, KFed isn't hiding a genius musical palette. He sampled a Mobb Deep song that sampled Dolby.) On his blog, Dolby demanded the song be taken down from Federline's eyesore of a MySpace page, which for the time being he appears to have done:

• At Lower East Side sushi joint Cube 63, Gwyneth Paltrow is seen downing a Guinness — some doctors say that the stout is alright for expecting mothers because of its iron content. Later, as she downed her third redheaded slut, she told onlookers that the J ger was good for baby's liver. [Gatecrasher]
• Good Morning America executive producer John Green doesn't want to book former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright because she has "Jew shame," which is much worse than the average "Jew guilt," we suppose. [Page Six]
• With all the news about the 9/11 911 tapes being released, Lloyd Grove's headline, "Tale of the 911 Tape: Star Jones Was in Peril," was surprisingly challenging for us to comprehend. [Lowdown]
• Page Six finally decides to throw a bone to Ellen Barkin, claiming that she'll have the last laugh in her divorce from Ron Perelman. Why? Because she'll have an on-screen romance with Matt Damon in Ocean's 13. As if being in that overstretched franchise does anyone any good. [Page Six]
• Justin Timberlake thinks that his ex-girlfriend Britney Spears' husband, the luscious Kevin Federline, is "gross." Way to go out on a limb there with the risky opinions. [Scoop]

Natural bearskin birthing spokesmodel Britney Spears can always be relied upon to be at the center of multiple ridiculous lawsuits and brushes with the law. To keep you up to date with the latest on the Spears legal docket, a Britney Justice round-up:
· Britney's songwriters (wait—she doesn't write them herself?) are accusing a South Korean singer named Lee Hyo-lee of having "partially plagiarized" a song called "Do Something." (We've never heard of it, but we'll assume it's an empowering disco track a la "I Will Survive" in which a fed up Britney confronts Kevin Federline once and for all).

• Finally, the first not-squishy photos of little Violet Garner-Affleck have emerged. Aw, how cute — it's baby's first real invasion of privacy. Welcome to the world, little one! [The Cooler]
• Katie Holmes receives her 6-foot cue cards reminding her to not make a noise while her forthcoming baby rips through her vagina and out into the world. [Sun UK]
• BlackBook goes to SXSW with a whole roster of questions pulled from vintage copies of Tiger Beat. The result? Lots of uncomfortable indie boys. [BlackBook]
• Mr. Belding, just because we can. [The Apiary]
• We've received a press release announcing that houseboy Kevin Federline has finally come up with a title for his debut album: Playing With Fire. It's OK to get a little excited — we won't tell.
• Joseph Gordon Levitt attempts to understand the paparazzi, bless his little heart. [You Tube]

• Following in Mel Gibson's footsteps, Vin Diesel says he'd really, really love to do a three-part epic based on the life of Hannibal. Featuring men in togas and sandals. In the ancient language of Punic. This is possibly the most ridiculous thing to have ever come out of Vin's mouth — aside from the time he went on TV to say he was straight, that is. [The Scoop]
• Turns out it was Tom Cruise who forced Comedy Central to cancel plans to re-air the South Park episode that takes shots at Scientology. America's most favorite OT-VII threatened to skip the publicity circuit for MI:3 if the network went ahead with the broadcast. We should be so lucky. [Page Six]
• Just how generous is Kevin Federine? He chopped off 10 inches of his precious hair to send to Locks of Love! Now do you see what Britney sees? [Lowdown]
• Paris has been dating Stavros Niarchos for, like, three decades — well, in Paris years anyway. Which means it might just be time for some fresh meat. Rich sports stars and Eurotrash: Watch your backs. [Page Six]
• Ron Perelman has selected an appropriate Ellen Barkin replacement: editor Kelly Killoren Bensimon. If history is any judge, she'll get royally screwed over sometime in early 2010 but at least she'll get lots of free shit from Revlon until then. [Page Six]

• Isaac Hayes, the voice of South Park's Chef, has left the show because of its "intolerance" towards Scientology. Translation: Tom Cruise was really mad about the "Tom's in the Closet" episode and had Hayes by his chocolate salty balls. [Page Six]
• We find it hilarious that model Lola Skye would accuse Sienna Miller of stealing her boyfriend, Hayden Christensen, particulary because Christensen is no girl's boyfriend. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Kevin Federline considers life as a stripper. Yeah, that seems about right. [Scoop]
• She hides her drugs in Fabrege eggs and masturbates with a 24-karat gold vibrator. Is there any luxury Kate Moss will spare? [Page Six]

• Is Britney Spears' baby-daddy Kevin Federline putting the moves on Jessica Simpson? If so, good for him — a man has to move up the totem pole to survive. [Scoop]
• Lindsay Lohan and Jonathan Rhys-Meyers. Yep, exactly what it says it is. Honestly, there's no end to this girl and who she'll take down with her. [Page Six]
• A federal court judge has ruled in favor of Kid Rock — and humanity — by blocking the sale of his sex tape with Scott Stapp. [R&M]
• Love in crisis: Rufus and Sally Albemarle reportedly split, Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston still in question. And this concludes the only thing these two couples will ever have in common. [Lowdown]
• Riverhead axes its two-book deal with Fake Writer James Frey. Yeah, ya think? [Page Six]

We saw the photos, and like you, felt concern that perhaps it was still a little too soon for Sean Preston to be getting his first driving lesson surely those tiny feet couldn't reach the pedals yet! As it turns out, however, this wasn't a case of post-natal parallel parking instruction, but yet another death-defying escape of Britney and brood from the relentless flashbulbs of her paparazzi pursuers:

In an inspired pairing of two perpetually annoying things that seemingly refuse to go away, Britney Spears will be making her scripted, primetime TV debut on an upcoming episode of Will & Grace, following in the illustrious footsteps of such gay pop icons as Madonna and Janet Jackson, who also used the series to showcase their complete lack of comic timing:

It's every celebrity's darkest nightmare: One moment, you are peeling down the PCH in a Ferrari with your brother, tapping your foot to your aspiring rapper husband's latest demo blaring through the speakers ("Don't even/Yo/Don't even/Yeah...No, no"), when car trouble suddenly finds you stalled dangerously in the middle of the highway, easy prey for the swarm of paparazzi hot on your tail. This was exactly the fate that befell pop temptress Britney Spears and her brother Bryan on Sunday (baby Sean Preston was supposed to be at home with daddy Kevin Federline, though corroborative eyewitness reports last spotted the infant crawling solo through the razor wire fence of a local power facility).

• A sex scene involving Katie Holmes and Aaron Eckhart has been mysteriously removed from the film Thank You For Smoking, currently showing at Sundance. Never underestimate the editing powers of OT-VIIs. [Page Six]
• As Howard Stern's replacement, David Lee Roth has had a hard time winning over listeners — but not as hard of a time as he has getting his staff to tolerate him. [Lowdown]
• Shar Jones enacts revenge on Britney Spears, who stole her baby-daddy Kevin Federline, by sleeping with Spears' first husband, 48-hour Vegas mistake Jason Alexander. And that, children, is the story of syphilis. [Page Six]
• Billionaire Ron Perelman divorces his fourth wife — actress Ellen Barkin — and is rumored to be rekindling with his second wife, Claudia Cohen. Wives #1 and 3 wait patiently in the wings. [R&M]
• Cokey supermodel Kate Moss signs a $1.8 million deal for the rights to her autobiography. Sayeth the Braunstein: "It is a symbol of a true victim when you get the book rights."

• It's been almost 5 years since publicist Lizzie Grubman mowed over 16 people at the Hamptons' Conscience Point Inn, but she's still doing her time in court. Yesterday Grubman answered questions for the only remaining civil suit, filed by a victim who suffered a bruised rib. Rest assured, it was a very expensive, pricey rib. [Page Six]
• Star Jones writes of her "intoxicatingly sexual relationship" with hubby Al Reynolds. You, in the meantime, gouge out your eyes and pray for some dark horsemen to make it all go away. [R&M]
• The reason behind Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson's split? He liked to wear her shoes. Paging Peter Braunstein! [People]
• Online casino BetUs.com offers Lindsay Lohan a nice Costa Rican rehab package if she'll shill for the site. Obviously, their publicist is Ronn [sic] Torossian. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Kevin Federline tells Ryan Seacrest that everything is "wonderful" between him and wife Britney Spears. Even better, they're NOT planning to have a second child just yet, so you can sleep soundly tonight. [IMDb]
• Page Six retracts yesterday's story about a bikini clad Sara Moonves (daughter of Les). That's what happens when you source shit through "Perez Hilton." [Page Six]

• Go forth, little mischief makers, and make your own subway sign — just because you can. [Subway Fun]
• If you read that Times article about a month ago about the magically irritating converted schoolhouse shared by a bunch of creatives in Bushwick and thought, "Hey, that's neat," now's your chance to move in. You're an idiot, but, hey, we're not judging. [Craigslist via Lindsayism]
• How she gets the scoops: Daily News gossip girl Jo Piazza is a kissing bandit. [NYO]
• Three of the top seven most emailed Times articles pertain to macaroni and cheese, and yet we wonder why America is the land of the obese. [NYT]
• Only the brave should listen to the new Kevin Federline track. We, as we've noted before, are total pussies. Knock yourselves out, though, and tell us how it goes. [Yahoo! Music]
• Whether or not author JT Leroy is real, at least the experience of figuring him out is decidedly surreal. [Guardian]

Blogger Dorking Out had the inspired idea to take a closer look at the source code for the URL for which we y'all weren't ready, kevinfederline.com:

Never one to let the march of progress pass him or his aspiring rap career by, Kevin Federline has launched his very own website, or, as he puts it, "I figured it was time to be a puttin' my pitchers on that there calculatin' machine." Much like its namesake, the site at the time of posting appears not to be working; luckily the AP offers a description of what you would typically see:

• Bikini-clad Ricky Martin and his friend aren't gay. They just fuck like they are. [Dlisted]
• Now that Peter Braunstein has been caught, we can go back to freely discussing pantyhose. [Slate]
• Federal anti-terror funds pay for faux-fancy Circle Line dinner cruises. Terrorists do balk at the sight of old white people wearing Sperry Top-Siders. [NYP]
• The year in crappy celebrity wrist watches. [OAN]
• The year in odd news. [MSNBC]
• The year in random freelancers who happen to appear on Jeopardy. [FishbowlNY]
• Get the cool gadget and games your relatives didn't get you for Christmas or Hanukkah with Gizmodo and Kotaku's holiday gift guides. Click on the Best of the Year polls to choose the top gadget and game of the year, and maybe score a $500 gift certificate. Get to it, nerds. [Gizmodo]
• And finally, we end on a very serious note: Kevin Federline has launched his own website. It is a thing of mysterious, painful beauty, built from the ashes of dead souls and flecked with the vomit of those who manage to survive its launch. [Kevin Federline]

Britney Spears is suing glossy scoopster Us Weekly for $20 million for publishing a story claiming that she and obedience-challenged lap-husband Kevin Federline screened a personal sex video for their lawyers:

Because we here at Defamer feel the need to foster and promote the undiscovered and obscenely talented among you, behold the rubberfaced versatility of local actor Jeff Polage, a walking CGI effect who can morph his mug into virtually any ridiculous celebrity face you point to in a glossy. And don't you dare insult him with stand-in work; someone with this much masterly control of his craft deserves his own talent-holding deal.

The celestial prophetess gazing into her lunar oracle on black arts enthusiast Britney Spears' homepage is conjuring several dark omens: a cloud of pungent reefer smoke hanging over a newborn's crib; a grown man weeping at the foot of a tow truck operator; and the fast creeping despair of an abandoned and embittered mother, dancing as fast as she can: