• Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban finally confirm that they're getting married this weekend in Australia. Guess that means they're an item? Meanwhile, Kidman spends extra on security, lest an angry Scientologist show up at her nuptials with an E-meter. [R&M]
• Heidi Klum and Seal are pregnant with their second baby prune. [Us Weekly]
• Much like his fellow talent Paris Hilton, Kevin Federline isn't much for helping needy kids. Charity work interferes with his smoking schedule. [Lowdown]
• Classy lady Tori Spelling calls her husband's ex-wife, Mary Jo Eustace, "pathetic...bordering on lunacy." This comes from a woman who voluntarily paid for frighteningly unnatural breasts. [Page Six]
• Bruce Willis sues a paparazzo who told TMZ that he was assaulted by the actor. [TMZ]
• After seeing the previews for Miami Vice, we're confident it will quickly join Gigli and Alexander in the shit-filled canon. [Fox411]
• Madison Avenue prep Andrew Parker's mother inadvertantly pays for the production of Trust Fund Sluts. That's about all you need to know. [Page Six]

You're going to have to cancel your Wednesday lunch date at Michael's, just this once, because at 1:30 PM tomorrow Kevin Federline will be in Times Square (or so say the flacks — you can't expect K-Fed to know where he's going to be this far in advance). He will be joined by Sir Richard Branson, creating a Power Team driven to lobby for "penny awareness." Naturally, they'll also be promoting Virgin Mobile's Penny Texting plan, but who the hell uses Virgin Mobile? Pennies, however, are just small enough for Kevin to understand them.

The interview concluded with a tearful, gum-smacking appeal to the media for her privacy, and a kiss-off to Madonna and Kabbalah ("She's a very smart lady.") It wasn't all dispiriting, however, as at one point Spears revealed her enthusiasm for interior redecorating— which she terms "redoin'!"—and an obsessive compulsive passion for cleaning, divulging to Lauer, "Yes, I have a maid that comes once a week, but she slacks a little bit." The lazy employee is kept on staff, however, as she speaks no English, making her a handy scapegoat for the star's various troubles. When questioned by concerned authorities about her latest baby bobbling mishap, Spears always has the option of turning to the cleaning woman and saying, "But you were the one who tipped the high chair over when you were waxin' the floors. Didn'tcha, Consuela?" to which the unilingual domestic will inevitably nod enthusiastically.

• Brandon Davis checks into Malibu's Passages rehab center, not to be confused with Malibu's Promises rehab center. For $75,000 a month, they'll help Davis treat his addiction to firecrotches and Paris Hilton's coke spoon. [InTouch]
• Unfortunately for Page Six, their top story is that Davis had refused to go. Those damn newspaper deadlines. [Page Six]
• For the first time, Tom Cruise has had a project taken away from him and given to a less crazy movie star by the name of George Clooney. We're still conflicted about Clooney, but he's better than Cap'n Crazyfuck. [Fox411]
• Vince Vaughn's mother invests $25 million into a fraudulent hedge fund. Vince Vaughn invests $25 million into keeping her away from the family bank account. [R&M]
• Kevin Federline has a job — and, unlike the hip-hop gig, this one pays actual money. He's modeling for Blue Marlin clothing, and Britney's so proud that he can sit still for the cameras like a big boy. [Page Six]
• Michael Eisner has no idea where he is, what he's done, or who he's talking to. [Lowdown]
• PETA goes after Beyonce Knowles, interrupting her overpriced omakase at Nobu to interrogate her about the use of fur in her clothing line. TMZ has the video, but it just shows Solange Knowles looking bored out of her mind. [TMZ]

• So the Czech Republic handed the U.S. team its ass on a platter, but watching the World Cup in New York is more about the eurotrash anyhow. This weekend, Swedes unfairly suffered as Good World failed to get their television properly working. [NYT-WC]
• Kevin Federline learns that he has an infant son; in the resulting wave of emotion, he removes his cornrows and allows himself to be photographed touching the child. [Us Weekly]
• What New York real estate lacks in affordability, it more than makes up for in glamorous exaggeration. [Copyranter]
• Matt Damon's anonywife gives birth to a baby girl; post-Shiloh, the couple is now trying to pay a celebrity weekly to run photos. [People]
• The Falls finally closes; murderous bouncers begin to look for work elsewhere. [NYDN]
• Crisis at the Gay Oscars Tonys — Alfre Woodard and Gayle King wear the same dress. Aren't stylists overpaid so as to avoid this sort of horror? [OAN]
• Is American Apparel less about the human rights thing as they would have you think? [Consumerist]
• Introducing V-Style, not to be confused with V or V Life. [Mediaweek]
• Media Guy Simon Dumenco asks if it would kill Conde Nast to cut the self-congratulatory circle-jerk regarding the still-unborn Portfolio. The answer: without its arrogance, there would be no Conde. So, yes, it would kill them. [AdAge]
• Related: the nicest cafeterias go to those who eat the least. [Memo Pad]

Operation K-Fed Redemption begins: On the same day TMZ posts paparazzi photos of Kevin Federline interacting with wife/meal ticket Britney Spears while actually holding his own son in his arms (and no hunky babyguards in sight), the AP is reporting that Spears has given the Today Show's Matt Lauer an exclusive interview, airing Thursday, in which she insists that her husband has been nothing less than her cornrowed, background dancing rock in her time of need:

• Britney's manny — revealed! The ginger gentleman is 28-year-old Naval Academy grad Perry Taylor, who's really just one of Britney's bodyguards. Nowadays, that obviously means guarding her baby's body, too. [TMZ]
• As for her hubby, the inimitable K-Fed, he'd really appreciate it if you'd all respect one another on MySpace. [Lowdown (last item)]
• LA has designated some parking spaces for the mentally handicapped, allowing Paris Hilton to park just that much closer to her emergency crotch doctors. [Page Six]
• Brangelina deny any plans to get married, preferring that Shiloh remain a beautiful bastard. [IMDb]
• Larry Flynt is sued for sexual harrassment by a former employee. If you're working for that man, you really should know that "loud, obnoxious, and repeated noises of sexual gratification" just mean that the company's doing well — and who doesn't want a holiday bonus. [R&M]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' prenup will give her $3 million for every year they remain married, up to $33 million. Which is almost enough money to buy back her blackened, captive soul. [Scoop]

After Britney Spears ditched her last nanny, she opted not to go the traditional, stern-and-matronly routes in choosing her replacement. Instead, she hired a hefty slab of strawberry-blonde mancake, identified as either Perry or Henry. Good with kids, handsome and sturdy, free of cornrows, and, to our knowledge, not currently pursuing a hip-hop career, Perry/Henry seemed every bit the man Britney should have been with all along. Which, according to the highly reliable source of an anonymous "insider," hasn't gone unnoticed by displaced Britney man-unit, Kevin Federline:

• Battle of the randoms: Stephen Dorff and Jeremy Piven get in sissy-slapping contest at Bungalow 8, mostly because Dorff cut in front of Piven in the bathroom line. Dorff's defense: "At least I am a movie star - you're only on TV! Cable TV!" True, but at least he's not Stephen Dorff. [Page Six]
• Meanwhile, Karolina Kurkova tolerates Piven's awkward flirting. [R&M]
• K-Fed gets jealous about Britney's manny taking over the domestic duties, but not jealous enough to put down the pipe for two seconds and change a diaper. [Scoop]
• Billy Bragg thinks Rupert Murdoch is trying to steal your MySpace content. Hungover hipsters suddenly rethink posting crappy music from unsigned bands. [Lowdown]
• Poor Philly endures the return of a 9-foot-tall statue of Sylvester Stallone. [Fox411]
• Newly sober Full House legend Jodie Sweetin has signed with Fuse to host their upcoming competition, Pants-Off Dance-Off. She'd probably want to keep the meth around for that one. [Page Six]

• We really don't want today to end, if only so that everyone can continue to hyper-analyze Katie Couric's insane farewell on the Today show. [BWE]
• A new theory on Brangelina: did she have a C-Section because she didn't want to give baby Shiloh herpes? And did she give herpes to Brad Pitt? Was that how Jen Aniston found out he was cheating? Could we be any more stupid about this whole thing? [OhNoTheyDidn't]
• Martha Stewart puts her Westport, CT home up for sale for a mere $8.9 million. But you'll have to pay extra to have that hideous wallpaper removed. [FishbowlNY]
• In the soft underbellies of New York's hipster havens, there are at least 3 people who don't drink. Granted, you won't see these folks on the Cobrasnake — but dammit, they're out there. [VV]
• Give K-Fed a shower and a comb, and he could be dominating the halls of Goldman Sachs. [Us Weekly]
• Memoirist Augusten Burroughs indulges the girls at Jane with a message board Q&A, wherein we learn that he doesn't know how to spell per se. Not that we should talk, but then again, we have a lot less money and a much bigger chip on our shoulders. [Jane]
• With all these celebrity babies being spit out left and right, a career in child therapy — especially with a Beverly Hills practice — may prove to be very lucrative. [The Letter D]
• During its last launch, Radar housed its visiting web designers at the opulent Hotel Carter. This time around, maybe the Chinatown Best Western? [Flickr]
• Presented without comment, a Vincent Gallo blog. Oh hell, we can't not comment — it's really creepy. [I Blew Vincent Gallo]

While her wax doppelganger clings to a deluxe stripper pole currently installed at Madame Tussaud's, the real Britney Spears is left desperately clinging to the metaphorical stripper pole of her own sanity, as she watches what's left of her marriage tumble to the ground like ashes from so many half-smoked Philly Blunts. Not a week after her wrathful poem, "Remembrance of Who I Am" (soon to be required reading in all college Feminist Lit courses) appeared on her website, The Scoop notes that, according to Us Weekly, husband/askew-hat-enthusiast Kevin Federline has been leaking stories to his pals, which they in turn have been selling to the tabloids:

• America's first couple, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, may no longer be rolling in the filth of their wedded bliss. Brit's publicist refuses to deny that they've split, and in the court of celebrity trash, silence is an admission of divorce. If the sweet sounds of "Popozao" can't save a marriage, can anything? [Mirror UK]
• After signing a $6 million deal with Miramax Books for her memoirs, Barbara Walters has weaseled her way out of the contract in pursuit of a better deal elsewhere. If Hillary Clinton can get $8 million for her autobiography, then certainly Babs can fetch just as much. The face-lifts aren't going to pay for themselves, you know. [Page Six]
• Having worked for everyone in Hollywood, jailbird P.I. Anthony Pellicano may have worked with Israeli mobsters — a natural climb up the Power Jew ladder. [R&M]
• Brandon Davis issues an official apology to Lindsay Lohan after calling her a firecrotch. He's also "horrified" by that bit about her seven-foot-long clitoris, and considers the freckles coming out of her vagina to be "reprehensible." [Page Six]
• Fox News' Kimberly Guilfoyle is set to marry male socialite Eric Villency in Barbados tomorrow — and just in time, too, as she's 5 months pregnant. We can't have a bastard baby around Murdoch's house. [Lowdown]

Britney Spears' "Love B: stream of consciousness" section of her official website—the public diary to which she confides her innermost incomprehensible thoughts and musings—has, after nearly a year with nary an entry, stirred to life as of late. First, she posted a 10-word announcement that she was leaving Kabbalah for the "religion" of her "baby." Now, even more mysteriously, an opus of a poem entitled "Remembrance of Who I Am" has been appearing and disappearing from the site, accompanied by a photo of Spears and some garishly outfitted friends flipping the bird. (As of posting time, the poem and photo are back up.) There has been much debate as to what or whom Spears is alluding to in "Remembrance," a verse so primal and tortured it may as well have been titled, "Howl, Y'all." Many are postulating that the target of her ire is none other than background dancing husband/parasite, Kevin Federline, while another interpretation has her addressing the media who paint her as a baby-smashing mommy-monster. You can reach your own conclusions—the entire poem is after the jump.

In what may be the most oddly compelling interview we've seen in a while, Janice Dickinson, the world's first supermodel (and living proof that plastic surgery for necks is nowhere near as advanced as plastic surgery for faces) talks to The Book Standard about her latest work, Check, Please!, a dating guide. Janice, who actually seems more intelligent than her interlocutor, shares her insights on the following topics:

[S]he's met with her family and lawyer — but not hubby Kevin Federline — and the topic of divorce came up.

• Just because Britney Spears is knocked up again doesn't mean that she's content: rumors continue that she wants out of her marriage to Kevin Federline. So sweet of her to make the new baby special by threatening to bastardize it. [Scoop]
• Incarcerated pimp Jason Itzler claims Charlie Sheen was a stellar client, spending $20K on two lovely ladies who were thrilled to learn that the actor had a formidable package. You blew it, Denise. Dickhead. [Page Six]
• Diddy came all the way from Miami for the Time 100 party, only to learn that Oprah wasn't there. Not even the world's largest entourage can disguise that sort of disappointment. [Lowdown]
• Perhaps worried about word that Alec Baldwin is a holy terror, a publicist plants a lovely item about Baldwin's wonderful relationship with Nicole Seidel. [Page Six]
• Bionic Rolling Stone Keith Richards may be even more fucked up than previously thought. [IMDb]
• No longer in love with Tom Cruise, Rosie O'Donnell offers to get him the help he so desperately needs. [R&M (last item)]
• Jessica Simpson's best friend and personal assistant Cacee Cobb calls it quits on the latter position. But we all know that if you quit one, you're getting fired from the other. [Us Weekly]

Shock, awe: In an unannounced appearance yesterday, Britney Spears confirmed her pregnancy to David Letterman (only marginally better than a press conference). This finally and thankfully puts an end to rampant speculation that she was simply fat.

• Red-carpet watchers spend far too long studying pictures of TomKat and conclude that Cruise has started wearing lifts too appear less Lilliputian. Developing... [Lowdown]
• And in other TomKat news, did the Church of Scientology buy $9,000 worth of tickets for their messiah's premiere of MI:3? If so, it certainly didn't do much to bolster the box office — and besides, wouldn't Tom host a free screening at the Celebrity Center? [Hollywood Interrupted]
• Finally, lest TomKat make a single, undocumented move, Tom spends over $900 on Mother's Day flowers for his captured bride-to-be. [Scoop]
• The bloating makes her cranky: Britney Spears refuses to pay for K-Fed to go to Vegas for a weekend on her dime, and thus her husband is grounded without allowance. [Page Six]
• Kimora Lee gets no public love from her semi-estranged husband Russell Simmons, who publicly treats his Phat Baby like a leper. [R&M (last item)]
• Publicist Jonathan Cheban sells off his Clarendon clothing label and launches a new one called Kritik. Because everyone's one — get it? Sure to be loved by many a spelling-challenged Lohan. [Page Six]

The procreative drama unfolding within the proscenium arches of Britney Spears' uteral walls has kept much of the world guessing with giddy anticipation: Is the celebrity baby-dropper indeed with child, or merely experiencing some extended Twinkie-bulge? Would she, as IMDB notes, be making a definitive announcement on the contents of her belly today? And to further complicate nursery matter, In Touch Weekly, the world's most trusted authority on fishy-smelling Britney Spears stories, is reporting that Spears has painted a room in her mansion pink, and has added a new, full-time babysitter to the payroll. This one, however, is for her husband:

• Inspired by the tactics of Tom Cruise, Britney Spears may be holding a press conference later today to formally announce her pregnancy. Supposedly Federletus 2 is a girl. [IMDb]
• Unfortunately, Britney's dipping into the new baby's college fund to pay for the minder she's hired to keep an eye on houseboy Keving Federline. [Scoop]
• When aren't Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger fighting in court over custody of their 10-year-old daughter? And there's no way that poor kid has sat through all of this drama completely sober. [Page Six]
• Maury Povich, who's accused of cheating on wife Connie Chung with one of his producers, is now suspected of having a second mistress. Ladies, honestly. Maury Povich. Get ahold of yourselves. [R&M]
• After falling out of a coconut tree in Fiji, Rolling Stone Keith Richards' brain is hemorrhaging; the rocker must undergo an operation to drain blood from his skull, after which he's expected to make a complete recovery. If his body can survive the 70's, it certainly can handle this. [Page Six]
• News you can't use: North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il got pervy with former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. [Lowdown]