From this weekend's Styles section, a little nightlife preview:

Your knuckle-dragging commute to work was probably a bit more painful today, as the summer is officially over (and thank God — was it just us, or did it kind of suck this year?). Labor Day gave us three or four government-sanctioned days of binge drinking, and naturally all hell broke loose at the Times building, where countless staffers made painful, last-ditch efforts to look good in ill-advised white pants. Amidst this end-of-summer madness, the Gray Lady FINALLY decided to acknowledge that billionaire financier Jeffrey Epstein has been accused of allegedly soliciting deep-tissue handjobs from underage girls in his Palm Beach mansion.

• You want news placement, you go to the Washington Post. [Wonkette]
• Photoshop is the new actually writing out the joke. [MediaWireDaily]
• Getting assaulted by Joe Francis boosts traffic immeasurably. Hey Joe, you suck! We bet you wouldn't have the nerve to touch us. [LA Observed]
• Jeffrey Epstein's money sullies the purity of New Mexican politics. [DealBreaker]
• Drink up at The Orchard and E.U. Then be sure to step outside and let the neighbors hear how much fun you're having. [Eater]
• Plums: Fresh. [Gothamist]
• Wondering what Dana Giacchetto's been up to? More of the same, apparently. [TSG]
• Vests: Not just for old people anymore. [MTV]
• People who wear vests are twats. [No link, it's just an editorial opinion.]

The Bowie, Maryland Freestate Shooters is a Premier Girls U-17 team that won the State Cup Championship in 2004; the girls were cup finalists in 2005 and 2006. While they are no doubt skilled atheletes, they owe a lot of their success to the support of billionaire financier and alleged hebephile Jeffrey Epstein. From their website:

• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes — sans Suri, presumably — stop to assist a couple who had just gotten into a car accident. TomKat stayed with the victims and administered E-meter tests until the authorities arrived. [People]
• Paris Hilton and her kosherthug record producer Scott Storch revive "firecrotch," though it's just not the same without a tweaky Brandon Davis. [TMZ]
• Ivanka Trump shames the family by posing on the cover of Stuff. That is, assuming the Trumps even know what shame is. [Us Weekly]
• Diddy plants another seed in girlfriend Kim Porter; the couple is now expecting their second child, who will emerge from the womb covered in white chinchilla. [Page Six]
• Billionaire financier and alleged pervert Jeffrey Epstein had a lot of money, and he liked to spend it on big, fancy things. Or simple massages. [PBP]
• Al Pacino disparages the parenting skills of Beverly D'Angelo, the mother of his twins, because she didn't want their daughter to get stung by a bee. Bitch makes Joan Crawford look weak. [R&M]
• Conde Nast tries to kill Naomi Watts. [Page Six]

The Palm Beach Post reports today that billionaire financier Jeffrey Epstein, who has been accused of receiving "sex-tinged" massages and facilitating lesbian sex for underage girls, has assembled a team to fight the media with a defense that pretty much consists of "the girls are liars." Really? Is that the best you could come up with? What sort of retainer does one have to pay for that sort of originality?

If you've ever wanted to paw through the real-estate records of prominent New Yorkers foolish enough to conduct business under their own names, here's your chance. Curbed points out that documents relating to the sale and ownership of co-op apartments — formerly a mysterious, private affair — have abruptly turned up online. Thrill to Jerry Seinfeld's actual signature on his UCC3 termination! No idea what that means, but with a little digging, you can match up real-world events with documentary parallels — as a tipster notes, here's the evidence of Billy Crudup paying off Mary-Louise Parker to the tune of $1,487,359.33 after ditching her for Claire Danes. Or perhaps you'd prefer to gaze lovingly on Ann Coulter's most recent mortgage? And of course, there's Jeffrey Epstein's West End pad (at least we think it's though sadly not "our" Jeffrey Epstein). Much more, but there are only so many hours in the day. Find anything else particularly interesting? Let us know.

• Rip off those condoms, boys! The FDA proposes to sell the morning-after pill over the counter for women 18 and older; we encourage you to try Plan B just once, if only because the woman in its advertisement looks so damn serene. Inner peace comes from knowing you knocked that would-be zygote out of commission. [Plan B]
• Why would alleged perv Jeffrey Epstein donate $30 million to Harvard? Almost all of the university's students are of legal age. [Crimson]
• In the midst of all of Mel Gibson's anti-Semitic fun, Hollywood Jew-bashing Gregg Easterbrook is back on ESPN.com. Coincidence? Not when he's got advice from Jesus for Phil Mickelson. [ESPN]
• Haute Living, the bible of those who like to live haute, will launch a NYC spin-off version, to be found in "400 luxury buildings where the average price of an apartment is $4.2 million." Just what New York needed: rich fucks reading about their rich fucking lifestyle while lounging about their rich fucker apartment. [The Real Estate]
• And in other magazine news, introducing ShopSmart, Consumer Report's ghetto version of Lucky. [NYDN]
• Life & Style to get bloggy. [FishbowlNY]
• Poor Lower East Side. You've tried to stand tall throughout the climbing rent prices, overcrowded bars, and impossibly expensive boutique shopping. You even kept your cool when Starbucks set up shop. But now the line has been crossed: a gym, an actual area promoting fitness, is headed for Ludlow Street. A moment of silence, please. [Curbed]
• So with the biblical heat outside, how long until people start losing power? We're setting the over/under at 18 hours. [NYSun]

The 2007 edition of the official FDNY's Calendar of Heroes goes on sale today; for just $15.95, you can buy yourself 12 sexy months of the city's hottest firefighters and their rock-hard abs — plus all proceeds go to the nonprofit FDNY foundation, which funds the fire department's training and recruitment. So you can entertain those erotic firehose fantasies and feel good about it too.

Lurking 'neath the sexy Patrick McMullan watermark (someday we'll spring for photo rights, seriously) is a happy scene from the days of Radar magazine's 2.0 period. That's our favorite alleged massage fan Jeffrey Epstein at left, and Radar honcho Maer Roshan at right. In the middle is a young lass captioned only as Adriana; presumably not a sex slave, she might be model Adriana Lima (feel free to correct us) is mostly likely model Adriana Mucinska, whose name turned up in some of Epstein's trash collected by police investigators. At the time this photo was taken — during the May 2005 relaunch party for Radar — Epstein was allegedly doing his sex-tinged massage thing, and though he didn't know it yet, was already the target of a criminal probe regarding same. Maybe buying into a magazine with at least nominal coverage of salacious celebrity stories wasn't the best idea, but fortunately for Epstein, the conflict evaporated with Radar 2.0's demise. Still, why do rich men who somehow possess reputations as both private recluses and also relentless pussy-hounds find themselves inexorably drawn to media, when such investments are often both unprofitable and embarrassing?

• The unthinkable has finally occurred in Dan Radosh's New Yorker anti-caption contest. The seas shall boil with blood, fire will rain from the sky, Mr. Shawn will rise from the dead, etc. [Radosh]
• Is this Sarah Kellen, scheduler of Jeffrey Epstein's "massages"? Either way, kinda cute. [Dealbreaker]
• Speaking of Epstein, Mark Green is returning his $10,000 campaign donation. We're gonna go with, "Think about what kind of action that money can buy." [NYDN]
• Mel Gibson's in recovery. For the alcoholism; don't ask about the other thing. [Star]
• Nancy assaults Sluggo; humorless Brooklyn women unamused. Nobody tell them about Andy Capp. [PWD]
• Wanna be a porn star? Fleshbot can make it happen. And this is a real contest, it's nothing like what happened with that guy you met at Fontana's last weekend. [Fleshbot]
• Anne Hathaway is not a good restaurant patron. [Tip or Tat]
• Bridal shower shopping at Macy's. Just reading this one gives us a headache. [Z. Madison]

Last week, we wrote a quick user's guide to Jeffrey Epstein, the Manhattan financier who is currently accused of bringing underage girls as young as 14 to his Palm Beach mansion, where he allegedly paid them $200 to give him "sex-tinged" massages and engage in showy, girl-on-girl action with his supposed assistant/sex slave. The item also mentioned fellow billionaire Ron Burkle who, like Epstein, is friends with Clinton, has a private jet, and does not object to attractive women under the age of 30. But mentioning Burkle in the same breath as Epstein only brought hellfire and brimstone via telecopier from Burkle's lawyer, who demanded both a retraction and a non-sarcastic apology. Since we don't really do the former and simply can't parse the latter, we'll instead outline the differences between Jeffrey Epstein and Ron Burkle. God forbid you ever mistake one for the other.

As billionaire financier Jeffrey Epstein is accused of soliciting underage women to give him massages and happy endings at his Palm Beach mansion, it should come as no surprise that he is similarly sketchy when it comes to his defense. The Palm Beach Post reports that some potential witnesses have been followed and/or offered money for their silence, being told that those who cooperate with the authorities will be "dealt with" (presumably said dealings will involve a strap-on). Additionally, in a magnificent stretch of legal maneuvering, Harvard law professor Alan Dershowitz met with the Palm Beach County State Attorney's Office to provide information discrediting the girls in question. And what better way to make a young woman look bad than with her own MySpace pages?

Let's talk about Nadia Marcinkova, supposed Douglas Elliman broker and special friend of accused perv Jeffrey Epstein. According to the affidavit released Wednesday, while in Palm Beach Marcinkova kept Epstein's underage "masseuses" busy with lots of lesbian sex, complete with "strap on dildos" and a "large rubber penis." And for this, her contribution to Epstein's alleged perversions should be commended.

On Wednesday we made the very grave mistake of noting that shaken-down billionaire Ron Burkle shared a few things in common with Jeffrey Epstein, the billionaire financier who allegedly enjoyed the pleasures of massage oils, sex toys and underage girls. We never said that these sexy pursuits were shared by Burkle; we were just yapping about how, like Epstein, Burkle is a heterosexual male with a jet and flies around with President Clinton.

According to an 87-page Palm Beach Police Department report, on April 17 billionaire moneybag and suspected hebephile Jeffrey Epstein agreed to plead guilty to an aggravated assault charge, serve five years probation, undergo "psychiatric/sexual evaluation," and have no unsupervised visits with minors. Epstein's then-counsel Guy Fronstin relayed that Epstein would accept the plea bargin and asked that investigators "call off the grand jury as they would accept this deal." It could've resulted in a somewhat smaller shitstorm, but the deal was never closed:

• Campbell Brown, you naughty girl! The Today show interim co-host flashes her inexplicable ankle tat — no idea what that's supposed to be, but she really should've gone for a fairy or a dolphin. [Animal]
• "Management thought it was very important that Dan Abrams hire someone he wouldn't try to fuck." [FishbowlNY]
• Remember Friendster? Vaguely, even? They've been awarded a patent for their search methods and may be awarded another in the near future. MySpace pretends to shake in its enormous boots. [WSJ]
• Scarlett Johansson is becoming increasingly suspect of touching human petri dish Wilmer Valderrama. [HWoW]
• Who doesn't want to see John Stossel get slapped? [iFilm]
• Fall asleep to the sounds of Brooklyn hipsters and enjoy your inevitable nightmares on Bedford street. [BrooklynRadio]
• Palm Beach Police Chief thinks naughty financier Jeffrey Epstein is getting off easy (ba dum dum). [The Blotter]

For our last Jeffrey Epstein post of the day, some random gossip on the billionaire money man with a penchant for manually pleasuring himself and his underage "masseuses:"

In our post yesterday detailing the various exploits, both business and sexual, of pervy financier Jeffrey Epstein, we noted that Epstein had supposedly introduced fellow billionaire and so-called extortion victim Ron Burkle to Radar editor Maer Roshan (Epstein funded Radar 2.0, Burkle is rumored to be involved in funding Radar 3.0). In explaining the similarities between Epstein and Burkle, we noted that both Epstein and Burkle had fancy (sexy!) private jets, both had hosted President Clinton on said jets, and both are thought to have an interest in ladies who are not old. Big whoop — we beat the Burkle stuff to death months ago. Epstein's the story here.

• As it turns out, everyone's new favorite do-nothing socialite, Melissa Berkelhammer, is repped by society flack R. Couri Hay. When she cries, he gets her an invite to whatever stuffy party is otherwise keeping her from her twitty happiness. Figures — there's no way this girl was cruising Bridgehampton Polo Club on her own accord. [Lowdown]
• British Airways staff fights terrorism by refusing to let a wasted David Hasselhoff board his flight from Heathrow. [TMZ]
• Oh, our bad. Poor Jeffrey Epstein was set up. He's just a nice guy with knots in his back. [Page Six]
• We should've known: the man who's bringing you the disturbing bust of Hillary Clinton is the same sculptor responsible for the Britney Birthing on a Bearskin Rug statue. [R&M]
• Madame Tussaud's in Times Square will do anything to creep the hell out of you, even if it means creating a carefully constructed wax Shiloh. [NYDN]
• Thanks to Us Weekly's celebrity baby morphs, you can see that as adults, Sean Preston Federline will look like a victim of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and Barron Trump will resemble a composite of most rapists. [Us Weekly]
• Russell Crowe drops $100K to rent a home upstate in Nyack while filming his latest project. Consider it an investment in the safety of hotel employees everywhere. [Page Six]