New York, today:

Anyone know what the hell's going on over at Good Morning, America? You'd figure now would be their time to shine, what with Katie moving her adorable gravitas over to CBS. Instead the show seems to be in complete disarray: Diane and Charlie feuded over who would go to the evening broadcast, there are rumors of budget money gone completely unaccounted for, and they hired Chris Cuomo. Well, at least what's happening on-screen is okay, right?

Liz Smith, today:

Local ABC weather queen Sam Champion is rumored to be taking his honeybasket to Good Morning America, where he'll replace former weatherman Tony Perkins. ABC hasn't made any announcements, but TVNewser and the lot are buzzing that the deal was finalized yesterday (perhaps to WABC's chagrin, as losing Champion may hurt their ratings with the Chelsea demographic), and Champion will start September 5, the same day that political progeny Chris Cuomo becomes the show's official news reader.

Last week the Today show heralded Us Weekly's (perhaps questionable) scoop that Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn were officially engaged and happy and totally in love and so not caring about that skanky Brangelina. Despite the world's inexplicable glee at this announcement, Aniston's gum-scraping publicist Stephen Huvane quickly denied the engagement, calling into serious question (if one can seriously question these sorts of things) the reporting skills of Us Weekly.

While we have a propensity to mock journalists on this site, let it be known that there are some dedicated, professional people who are willing to put their lives on the line in pursuit of the public's right to know. What, for instance, happens if you sit in a hot car for too long? Yesterday, the stalwart correspondents at Good Morning America investigated. The results... may surprise you.

[via FishbowlNY]

Not being able to imagine a fate much worse than spending Every Day with Rachel Ray, her magazine of the same title hovers on our must-read list somewhere below the testimonial gallery for a high-powered colon cleanse. Nevertheless, the Food Network's resident Joker manages to find her way into the refrigerators of famous folk, so it's hard to turn a blind eye to her Q&A with Good Morning America martyr Diane Sawyer, who is surprisingly disgusting:

8:37 We just tuned in — truth be told, we never watch Good Morning America. Probably because of the ugly set design. Is that wall Crayola red-orange, or is our TV extra crappy? Anyhow: The weatherman is making some bad jokes about a fake best-of DVD, and Diane says she has some other old friends dropping by for Charlie. She seems a little softer than usual, but this doesn't quite pass for sentimentality or emotion. It's more exhaustion. Has Joe Hagan whipped this farewell into submission?

• The news is still big; it's the newspapers that got small. [Slate]
• David Carr asks: Is CNN news or entertainment? What, it can't be both? [NYT]
• Pissing off Dick Cheney was not, in fact, the Times' reason for running its financial-records-spying story, says Bill Keller. [NYT]
• As we already told you, WWD media man Jeff Bercovici is going to Radar. WWD media woman Sara James, however, is not. She's leaving Women's Wear — we're sure of that — but it's just unclear where she's going. [Jossip]
• Roger Ailes thinks with Fox Newsies aren't working hard enough. [B&C]
• Wednesday will be Charlie Gibson's last day at GMA, and his feeling will be hurt if he doesn't get as many video tributes as Katie did. [USAT]
• Spiers steals David Lat from slutty sister Wonkette for her nascent juggernaut. Next time, she'll just twist Denton's nipple directly, without the intermediary. [WWD (second item)]
• Bigshot VCs give people like Rafat Ali — proprietor of the distressingly capitalized paidContent.org and, years ago, an intern where we used to work — money. [WSJ]

• Completely unsubstantiated but nonetheless interesting: Are Jay-Z and Beyonce officially over? Does Jigga prefer the less-bootylicious Rihanna? Will Beyonce's dad resolve the issue with a shotgun? [Social Rank]
• Like an udder on a thick-lipped cow, Anderson Cooper milks his interview with Angelina Jolie, airing tomorrow night. He clarifies that People's $4 million Shiloh fee did not include a guarantee that he'd get first interview; rather, Jolie picked the Coop because she knew he wouldn't try to do her. [360 Blog]
• It's Christmas in June: Danny Meyer's ShackCam goes live! Updated every 5 seconds, it's the ultimate tool in planning your meal schedule. May it bring all of Manhattan together and working towards organizing dining, so as to forevermore avoid intolerable lines. [Eater]
• One of Brooklyn's beloved Jonathans writes an open, overwrought letter to Frank Gehry; if all the Jonathans would combine their powers, they could create a Super Letter, so strung-out that not even the most hardened developer could look away. [Slate
• What if Brokedown Palace involved a pair of jeans? [Wired]
• You can now purchase a clear cube full of authentic NYC garbage. Just goes to show that if you package a turd properly, someone will buy it. [NYC Garbage]
• GMA kisses Prince's boots, builds him a fortress. [OAN]
• Edward Champion ups the Okrent cocksucking metaphor to slightly uncomfortable, albeit satirical, levels. [EdRants]
• Performance art on a Monday morning is simply unacceptable. [Animal]
• Crackheadz Gone Wild: New York features raw, uncensored footage of local drug addicts on spring break, going crazy for Mardi Gras beads. [Metro]

Joe Hagan ("Something of a snake" - Charles Gibson) takes a look at the race for the anchor's chair at ABC News. And what a look: There are more words in this piece than the evening broadcast has viewers. We understand that you're busy people who don't have time to read the War and Peace of second-place network news succession stories, so we've broken it down in convenient lesson form. After the jump you'll find all you need to know about Charles, Diane, the lady with the baby and the rest of them.

With Katie Couric gone and newbie Meredith Vieira on her way in, things around the Today show could get shaky. Though Today is doing as well now as it was before Couric left, the changes might expose some of the production's tender spots (like the one on the back of Matt Lauer's head). It would seem the perfect time for ABC and Good Morning America to take the lead, but the departures of executive producer Ben Sherwood and co-host Charlie Gibson leave GMA wobbly. And who the hell is going to share the couch with Sawyer?

Now that her Good Morning America co-host Charlie Gibson has filled the last available network anchor slot, no one really knows what the hell poor Diane Sawyer is going to do now. Obviously, she's not going to stay at GMA forever, but you'd be safe to bet that she's going to leave sooner rather than later — perhaps within the year. Not that anything's even near official, but her minions are already rumored to be interviewing with the Today show's Matt Lauer. Which is only slightly less insulting than if they were interviewing with Meredith Vieira.

• Five news orgs — including NYT — pay Wen Ho Lee $750,000 to settle his case. Which seems not a not entirely unreasonable amount after mistakenly being labled a nuclear spy. [NYT]
• CBS News Iraq reporter Kim Dozier now off respirator, breathing on her own. [CBSNews.com]
• Charlie Gibson thinks New York's Joe Hagan "is something of a snake" and will never talk to him again. Mind you, this is over a fluffy Q&A. [Chicago Defender]
• Best attack on Judy Miller ever: She could have prevented 9/11. [TAP]
• Time loses Baghdad reporters; New York to lose dapper WSJer Matthew Rose. [NYP]
• Time's Jim Kelly to take sabbatical, visit Statue of Liberty before starting new corporate gig. [MW]
• GMA EP Ben Sherwood quits. Presumably he just couldn't bear not having Charlie Gibson's full attention. [Media Mob/NYO]

David Blum heads to the Sun today, where he pens a column that asks the real question about the network news anchor shuffle — and it doesn't have a single thing to do with Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, or Brian Williams. The real issue: What the motherfuck is Diane Sawyer going to do now?

And so the speculation ends. Anchor Elizabeth Vargas is taking maternity leave until the fall and then returning to 20/20; with co-anchor Bob Woodruff still recovering from injuries sustained in Iraq, ABC's World News Tonight will be hosted by Good Morning America's Charlie Gibson. It's a pretty open-ended gig, and though ABC won't say as much, it could be permanent. He'll start on May 29 and will stay at GMA through June. But what about his morning co-host, Diane Sawyer? The poor woman has been campaigning for the anchor spot since she was in the womb.

• Pill-popping kiddie porn freaks need love too: Charlie Sheen has been using MillionaireMatch.com to meet women online. His profile says he's a talent agent, ensuring that he meets only the most desperate young things. [Gatecrasher]
• Britney Spears announces that she's done with Kabbalah; on her website, she writes, "My baby is my religion." As if Sean Preston didn't have enough problems. [Us Weekly]
• New York mag says Tina Brown's name has been dropped as a possible successor to Time managing editor Jim Kelly, but Lloyd Grove hears that New York editor Adam Moss is a more likely choice. Fuck it: we hear Lloyd Grove is in the running. [Lowdown]
• For $56K, you can enjoy a downward dog with Gwyneth Paltrow, which is probably more exciting than just going doggy. [Page Six]
• With young American soldiers dying in Iraq, what better time for Hollywood to start working on movies about the war? The reality of it all makes the drama feel more "real," you know? [R&M]
• Good Morning America producer John Green is back after a month's suspension; he's tan, 15 pounds lighter, and promises never to use the phrase "Jew guilt" ever again. [Page Six]

• Problem-ridden ABC News hunts for GMA email leaker. This much we know: It wasn't Krucoff. [NYO]
• Howell Raines' new memoir is good. [WP]
• Is Conde considering moving publishers around? Perhaps. [WWD]
• "The Feds yesterday arrested two young Wall Streeters and a mole at a Business Week print shop for running a trans-Atlantic insider trading scam that enlisted investment bank colleagues and a stripper to rack up $6.7 million in ill-gotten gains." It's ledes like this that make it impossible to stay mad at the Post. [NYP]
• NYT names a new real-estate editor; Joyce Cohen has fun with capital letters. [HuntGrunt]
• 'Times' gets new ThuStyles deputy editor; remarkably it's not a gay man. She is, however, a former Observer m.e., which the Observer doesn't mention. [Media Mob/NYO]

• Matt Lauer adds three years to his Today contract, at $13M per. He'll also receive a footwear allowance, for clickety stilettos. [NYT]
• And Diane Sawyer has lost the game. [NYSun]
• Jack Kliger had to kill ELLEgirl to save it as a website. Or something. [Ad Age]
• First Kurt Andersen calls it, now Variety: We're all tired of celebrities. [Variety]
• Most publications won't accept freebies, Page Six — and David Pogue — excepted, of course. [MB]