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Joe Hagan ("Something of a snake" - Charles Gibson) takes a look at the race for the anchor's chair at ABC News. And what a look: There are more words in this piece than the evening broadcast has viewers. We understand that you're busy people who don't have time to read the War and Peace of second-place network news succession stories, so we've broken it down in convenient lesson form. After the jump you'll find all you need to know about Charles, Diane, the lady with the baby and the rest of them.

Lesson Number One: If you want the same job that Charles Gibson wants, you'd better not hesitate, even if your name is Diane Sawyer. Dude moves quick.

Lesson Number Two: If you have the same job that Charles Gibson wants, keep your legs crossed. Dude will totally knock pregnant chicks out of the chair.

Lesson Number Three: No one likes getting up at 4 A.M.

Lesson Number Four: It is apparently illegal to write a piece about David Westin without mentioning that he's the guy who fucked Ed Rollins' wife.

Lesson Number Five: David Westin (the guy who fucked Ed Rollins' wife) gets to feel like a big man because he slapped down the 60-year-old woman who saved his network's morning show.

Lesson Number Six: Diane Sawyer may not be at "Good Morning America" all that much longer.

Actually, the more we read the piece, the more Charles Gibson comes off like a dick. Final Lesson: Don't fuck with Joe Hagan.

Charlie the Conquerer [NYM]