It's not quite the CLOONEY PLACES MILLION DOLLAR BOUNTY ON HEAD OF REAL RUSSELL VIDEO LEAK we were hoping for, but still, not bad.

Because we at Defamer realize that it's important that individuals disenfranchised by the mainstream media be given a forum in which to make their voices heard, we're happy to publish this missive sent to us by publicist-to-the-stars Stan Rosenfield on behalf of e-mailing-eschewing client George Clooney, who is eager to deny the rumors that he had something to do with the leaking of those I Heart Huckabees outtakes that have so delighted everyone in Hollywood over the past week or so. Forwards Rosenfield/writes Clooney:

Radar connects some IMDb dots to concoct a theory that noted prankster and onetime David O. Russell sparring partner George Clooney might have been responsible for the recent appearance of those lighthearted I Heart Huckabees outtakes on the internet, tracing a certain sound designer's career path from Russell's Three Kings to Clooney's currently shooting Leatherheads. Confronted with the accusation, the actor's internet-hating publicist was quick to protect his client by depicting him as a Luddite who would smash the magic computer-box with a rock in frustration if he ever attempted to navigate the rocket-scientist-level complexities of the YouTubes:

• Serena Williams: "There's nothing like being hungry for the sport of tennis, and I was really eager and famished, and I needed to feed." Later: "Although Williams is carrying more weight than she did at the peak of her tennis career in 2003, she said that others underestimated her level of fitness. 'I definitely think I'm in better shape than I get credit for,' she said." [NYT]

Today's LAT "Cause Celebre" column, which covers the hottest do-gooding trends that you'll soon see your favorite starlet promote in the pages of Us Weekly with a Kitson-bought t-shirt bearing a slogan like TEAM ANTI-GENOCIDE, profiles International Crisis Group senior adviser John Prendergast, Hollywood's go-to guy for Africa-related issues. Sadly, when Prendergast returns home from a trip to L.A., he finds that his peers in Washington openly sniff at the unpleasant scent of Show Business he carries back with him:

Modern image editing software allows us to pluck with relative ease the most attractive features from our favorite stars' faces and bodies and seamlessly combine them into one miraculous Frankenstar. In Touch's latest stab at the genre makes a delicious hunk smoothie out of ingredients like Patrick Dempsey's fiber-rich hair, Jake Gyllenhaal's eyes, and, for added protein, Ben Affleck's gigantic chin. And while they see a likeness in the results to ER's Goran Visnjic, we think this Photoshopped hottie bears an almost uncanny resemblance to E!'s Dr. 90210 Robert Rey, leading us to wonder if perhaps the doctor's movie star good looks might well have been achieved by a series of painful, self-inflicted surgeries after he realized none of his nurses or technicians ever bestowed him with a nickname consisting of a "Mc" prefix followed by some synonym for the word "yummy."

Having recently bid a bittersweet and final adieu to his closest slop-eating friend in the world, George Clooney has chosen in the difficult days since to focus entirely on his work, if only to keep distracted from the deep sadness that washes over him every time he thinks of the lonely silence where a cacophony of enthusiastic oinks used to be. Among the many busy-making projects he's currently considering is the slim possibility, as related in his response to what must have been a wire reporter's leading question, of starring in a Bollywood musical:

Two people have been arrested for stealing an Academy member's awards screeners and illegally posting them online. The DA has yet to file charges, but is expected to ultimately deny the MPAA's request that the pirates be summarily stabbed in the kidneys and left to bleed to death on the sidewalk in front of the Kodak Theatre. [Variety]
ABC shuffles its Wednesday schedule, sacrificing new comedies Knights of Prosperity and In Case of Emergency to the Nielsen gods by putting them up against the return of American Idol, hoping that better-loved hit Lost might be spared their wrath in its new 10 pm timeslot. [THR]
George Clooney's production company tries to help re-ignite Hollywood's stalled love affair with legal thriller typist John Grisham, buying the movie rights to produce the book The Innocent Man: Murder and Justice in a Small Town for Warner Independent. [Variety]
The IATSE/WGA feud over reality jobs heats up, as IATSE president Thomas Short accuses the WGA of "irresponsibility and incompetence" for delaying producer talks. Only nine more months left of bickering over accusations of Guild posturing and de facto studio work stoppages! Enjoy them while they last. [THR]
The week in ratings: NBC takes the weekly 18-49 demo victory, The CW posts its strongest numbers yet, ABC has the week's most watched show, CBS remains the overall most watched network, and Fox is just happy they're not being beaten by Telemundo. [Variety]

George Clooney, Danny DeVito's limoncello pusher, has his own reason to throw back a few rounds of the potent, amnesia-inducing yellow liquid: His longtime porcine companion, a 300-pound potbellied pig named Max, has finally succumbed to a series of swine ailments and passed on to the pearly pigsty in the sky:

In this old-school, TGIF-edition of the Stalk: George Clooney and Steven Soderbergh, Natalie Portman and Jason Drake, Jude Law, Renee Zellweger, Gwyneth Paltrow, Cameron Diaz, Barbara Bush (the twin), Diane Von Furstenberg, Kate Bosworth and Sigourney Weaver, Ryan Reynolds, Alec Baldwin, Rachel Dratch, Lawrence Fishburn, Liya Kebete, James Blunt, Karolina Kurkova, Adrien Grenier, Mira Sorvino and Chris Backus, Lauren Ambrose, Mo Rocca, Al Franken, Joey Slotnick, Haley Joel Osment, Stalker Hall of Famer Mike Meyers, and Chett from Weird Science.

Hollywood Out Of Ideas, Now They're Really, Really Out Of Ideas, We Mean It This Time Edition: Paramount, Eddie Murphy, and producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura will work closely to "reinvigorate" and "update" the Beverly Hills Cop franchise. We expect that Paramount will immediately hire Moby to re-record the "Axel F" theme, put in a call to Josh Hartnett's people to gauge his interest in being "the next Judge Reinhold," and deposit $30 million in Murphy's bank account to prove to the star how important retaining the integrity of the franchise is to them. [Variety]
Warner Bros. signs up George Clooney to star in and produce an adaptation of the James Ellroy novel White Jazz and to direct the heist flick The Belmont Boys, and in return for his involvement in these more creatively satisfying projects, Clooney has agreed to appear in Ocean's Fourteen through Twenty-Eight for the studio. Under this latest art-for-commerce swap, should Clooney expire or lose his Old Hollywood good looks before the production of the latter sequels, Warner Bros. has the right to use a digital recreation of the actor to complete his commitment. [THR]
Disney's screening Apocalypto for just about every group that might be remotely interested in the film (even the media!), hoping that the public will forget about Mel Gibson's interesting, tequila-amplified thoughts on Jews and judge the films on its own, Mayan-talkin', graphically violent merits. [Variety]
Facelift enthusiast Meg Ryan now officially unrecognizable enough to play a thinly veiled Carrie Fisher. [THR]
· On the last day of November sweeps, ABC discovers that Show Me the Money and Day Break are pretty poor substitutes for Dancing with the Stars and Lost. [Variety]

A mysterious prankster identified only as "Reverend Ted" (Brad Pitt? Steven Soderbergh? U.N. envoy to Sudan Jan Pronk?) took out this full-page ad in Variety today, reminding everyone in the industry that before George Clooney was a two-time Sexiest Man Alive title holder, he was just another mullet-rocking Facts of Life semi-regular (or is this photo from the Roseanne era? the mullet/Ton Sur Ton shirt combo is hard to place that precisely) without the clout to politely ask his wardrobe stylist to "not go so heavy with the Rick Springfield look."

Competition was as stiff as ever for the title of People's Sexiest Man Alive this year—just ask also-rans "Patrick, Brad, Matt, Jamie," and the "199 MORE GUYS!" the magazine teases on its cover. But sorry, Monsieurs Swayze, Garrett, Stone, and Lee-Curtis, the 2006 bragging rights go to none other than Hollywood's silver-maned conscience, George Clooney.

· The Coen Brothers and George Clooney—the inspired pairing to which we attribute our ongoing addiction to huffing Brylcreem—reteam for Burn After Reading, "a spy caper about a CIA agent who loses the disc of the book he is writing." Yes, he plays the CIA agent. No, he doesn't lose any fingernails. [THR]
· ABC has won the 18-49 demo for the first five weeks of the season, thanks to returning powerhouses like Grey's Anatomy and Lost, and new, breakout hit Ugly Betty. NBC points to Powerpoint projection reading, "Heroes: #1 with America's men!" emits faintly audible fart, slinks back to chair. [Variety]
· David Cunningham, director of ABC's controversial The Path to 9/11, is shifting gears to direct The Dark Is Rising, a fantasy film based on a series of children's books in which a lazy, horny Warlock-in-Chief named Klinton allows unimaginable atrocities to beset a peace-loving people. [Variety]
· Sarah Jessica Parker replaces Rachel Weisz in Smart People, playing widower Dennis Quaid's love interest. Dennis Quaid's best acting in years comes when he feigns excitement at news of the recasting. [Variety]
· Bravo picks up six more episodes of Work Out, the gripping reality drama in which we follow lesbian trainer extraordinaire Jackie Warner dodge whatever flying stemware her latest de-institutionalized girlfriend happens to launch at her head at any given moment. [THR]

The following brief report on Friday night's American Cinematheque roast-esque event honoring George Clooney landed in our inbox last night (a little tardy, perhaps, but always appreciated), submitted by an operative surprised to hear an actress (especially one of a certain age) take the stage and declare her carnal knowledge of the night's honoree:

Defamer is committed to fostering the professional development of its readers by making them aware of exciting opportunities to either enhance the skillsets they already possess or get them started on an entirely new path to success. As part of this continuing mission to empower the entertainment industry's future leaders, we pass along the listing for tomorrow night's sure-to-be fascinating Introduction to Dark Publicity Arts at the Learning Annex, hosted by one of the field's most accomplished Warlocks Of Deception and Damage Control, longtime George Clooney flack Stan Rosenfield:

· Celebrities terminate their unwanted pregnancies, just like us!
· George Clooney kicks off his paparazzi-foiling master plan by allowing himself to be photographed with a Deal or No Deal briefcase-opening technician. He's really mixing things up right off the bat.
· Finding a dead, gay Republican in her bed was just too much for Carrie Fisher's sobriety to bear.
For the latest in Mark Foley-related fun, we once again refer you to page-protective sister site Wonkette, where dramatic readings of old naughty IMs and links to new, naughty IMs are readily available.
These fake Free Anna Nicole shirts only hint at the hastily designed, topical Cafe Press delights to come.

That clever George Clooney has confounded us once again! If your long-term memory isn't yet fried, you'll recall that back in March, Clooney (or "his publicist") sent an email out to his illustrious circle of contacts, urging them to sabotage our Gawker Stalker Map by flooding the site with fake sightings and rendering our tool of dangerous stalking useless (we didn't have the heart to tell him that Gawker Stalker had been useless since its inception). But Clooney's diabolical plan continues, extending beyond Gawker and to the evil paparazzi. In the November issue of Vanity Fair, Clooney reveals his clever scheme:

Having recently survived a life-threatening case of in-flight food poisoning on the trip back from a humanitarian mission in Darfur, noted actorvist George Clooney has been doing some soul-searching about how to best employ the considerable influence afforded by his worldwide notoriety. But after a brief effort trying to raise awareness of the ongoing genocide in the Sudan proved insufficiently fulfilling, Clooney's deeper appreciation of his own mortality has led him to rededicate his remaining, precious days to the cause he finds most ennobling: celebrity privacy rights. The AP reports on the actor's latest campaign to foil those who would document the comings and goings of the famous, born out of this newfound commitment to an issue he holds dear: