• Screech — er, Dustin Diamond — has a sex tape on the loose, which depicts some sort of three-way and, allegedly, some Dirty Sanchez action. Which is just about the most disgusting thing we can imagine right now. Mark Paul Gosselaar, by all means, not this. [R&M]
• Winona Ryder wanders in through the back door of Soho boutique Lounge, does a lap around the store, and then screams, "Where am I?!" She then ran back to Bleecker Street and spent the rest of the day sobbing into her Marc Jacobs safety blanket. [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton destroyed former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter. Not that that's so hard to do. [Us Weekly]
• Jude Law finds Harvey Weinstein "tough, but tender." Exactly what he wants in a lover. [Lowdown]
• After much hype on their MTV reality show, Rev. Run's wife gives birth to a stillborn. Even Judy McGrath is a little sad. [TMZ]
• Renee Zellweger and George Clooney? Is someone too busy pushing for Darfur to notice how much he's dating down? [Page Six]

Of course, there really was no talk of George Clooney running for office, except for some overly enthusiastic fans wearing "Clooney in '08" t-shirts (campaign slogan on back of shirt: "OMG he is SOOOO HOTT!"), but since he lives in a state where a far less handsome actor was elected governor on a goof, someone just had to make sure he didn't want to run. With Clooney at least temporarily out of the way, the media will now move down its list of good-looking, socially aware actors, and we can soon expect video of Brad Pitt pursing his lips, scratching his chin in a pantomime of deep thought, and finally looking over to Angelina Jolie to ask, "Are we running this year, honey?" before finally declaring he has no intention of becoming King of America.

Political denials are the latest weapon for celebrity PR, and we've got a twofer:

Defamer is committed to alerting the entertainment industry to any incipient acts of violence that might result from tensions between members of the favored-above-all, glamorous film caste and the small-screen untouchables who might be unacceptably inconvenienced by the needs of their megabudgeted movie projects, hoping to head off regrettable bloodshed with a civilized dialogue. While the Writers Guild loves to use sweatshop rhetoric for the conditions endured by nonunion writers, scribes on a WGA-certified TV production find themselves ready to overthrow the privileged neighbors robbing their office of the climate control mechanism that allows them to endure the punishing Valley heat. Oh, the humanity! Reports an operative on the Warner Bros. lot:

Strong-jawed triple-threat George Clooney will star in, direct, and rewrite the oft-in-development, football-related period romantic comedy (yeah, we don't get it either) Leatherheads for Universal, while Renee Zellweger is in negotiations to play his inevitably pouty, yet adorably plucky, love interest. [Variety]
CSI creator Anthony Zuiker is developing the cop drama The Man for LL Cool J, who will star as the titular alpha-male who raises troubled kids by day, and runs so-deep-undercover-he-doesn't-know-which-way-is-up-anymore sting operations by night. [THR]
Simpsons writer Josh Lieb and David O. Russell are developing a series for FX described as an "Upstairs, Downstairs" dramedy set at a Los Angeles country club. We put the over/under on the amount of time it takes for a mouthy actor playing a haughty tennis pro to find himself on the wrong end of a Russell headlock at two days. [Variety]
· New Fox shows Justice, Til Death, and Happy Hour can now be streamed online as early as the next morning after their initial TV broadcast, allowing you to catch up on missed episodes at virtually the same time executives get their Nielsen overnights and try to decide which of the series to cancel first. [THR]
Hollywood Out of Ideas, Exploiting a Classic Edition: ABC is developing a weekly series based on Francis Ford Coppola's The Conversation, with Coppola signed on to oversee the network's needless adaptation and updating of his film. [Variety]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are now posted several times a week—so start sending them in more often! Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw Reese Witherspoon surreptitiously digging into a plate of Vive La French Toast at your neighborhood IHOP.

As the world contemplates the contents of the highly compromising snapshots that managed to convince the Oceans 13's cast to grace Scott Caan's recent 30th birthday party/photography exhibition with their exalted, A-list presence, tales of its top-tier celebrity hijinks continue to trickle down to the masses. After Friday's news of Angelina Jolie's estranged-parent-avoiding, SUV sit-in, comes this NY Daily News report, in which the rascally George Clooney hatches a plot to further erode any sense of authority replaced dad-unit Bruce Willis might feel he still wields over his own children:

Lest anyone think that highly publicized celebrity trips to Africa to call attention to famine, genocide, or the incredible availability of cheaply procured accessory-orphans don't carry significant risks for socially conscious A-listers, consider the plight of George Clooney following his recent mission to Darfur. Says Page Six:

There's something inspiring about looking at pictures of celebrities in the time before they made their rare evolutionary leap into the incredibly famous, physically flawless superbeings smiling back at us from the dozens of glossy magazines clogging the supermarket checkout racks. Back then, they were more or less human, not the demigods to whom we gladly sacrifice the family pet upon receiving an encoded message contained within an InTouch caption about Mariska Hargitay's shopping habits. Take, for example, these images of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt from this standard People "Before They Were Stars" feature; can even the most average among us not be heartened to discover that Jolie supported herself for years playing in a Don Dokken cover band while saving for a series of expensive and painful surgeries to make her massive bear paws more cosmetically acceptable, a noble perseverance that eventually was paid off by becoming one of the most beautiful and admired women in the world? Is there any way not to be overwhelmed by hope after looking at this photograph of Pitt's early catalogue work for Modern Fashions for Mildly Autistic Children from Beach Communities, then think about how the handsome actor has managed to overcome his own developmental problems and find incredible success? If these pictures are too much for you to handle, we urge you not to gaze upon this George Clooney yearbook photo, which will so fill you with the joy of the possible that you'll feel immediately compelled to knit his awkward, teenage likeness onto a blanket for your most cherished love one.

In a column this Sunday concerning Peter Cook's dalliances, Linda Stasi makes the claim that, when it comes to relationships, her own gender is oft sinned against, but never sinning.

Disney employees whose heads are on the chopping block anxiously await their bloody fates, as mass executions are
reportedly scheduled to be conducted next week. [Variety]
The Senate may soon vote on legislation that would require Hollywood to keep track of the ages of actors who pretend to have sex scenes in movies and TV shows. It is unknown if Dakota Fanning can be grandfathered into future rape-related roles should the bill become law. [THR]
George Clooney parts ways with producing partner Steven Soderbergh at Section 8, but is forming new production company Smoke House with Good Night, And Good Luck collaborator/BFF Grant Heslov and sticking around at Warner Bros. The new venture is named for the famous Burbank restaurant, a choice made after an arduous branding process determined that calling the shingle Dimples would be far too cute. [Variety]
NBC's America's Got Talent and Fox's So You Think You Can Dance both trounce ABC's The One in the ratings on Wednesday, a programming block that will soon come to be known as Utterly Unwatchable American Idol Rip-off Night. [THR]
· Canadians do an adorable impression of an American-style studio executive ouster, as Motion Picture Distribution unexpectedly shitcans two of its bigshots. [Variety]

• Stolen photos from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby shower have made their way to the web, prompting lawyers to do their threatening, lawyerly thing. The images may be illegal, but is it so wrong that the people want to see Brangelina wearing the Laurel Touby fertility costume? Marvel at the image here. [TMZ]
• Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban tie the knot; Kidman wears 80's throwback gown by Balenciaga. [Us Weekly]
• After learning that her interview with Matt Lauer didn't do much to help her image, Britney Spears hires someone to take classy pictures. Alas, the pics and an interview were sold to OK! for a mere $5K — much less than Britney's $200K asking price. Only K-Fed fetches that kind of money nowadays. [Page Six]
• Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone bend to blackmail from the National Enquirer. [R&M]
• Steven Soderbergh's former agent, Pat Dollard, more or less calls George Clooney a pussy. [Page Six]

A French screenwriter who sued the makers of Syriana, claiming that portions of her own script had been stolen and reworked into the screenplay for the film which would win George Clooney his first Oscar, has lost her case:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw Dylan McKay brooding in the Target toy department.

• Brandon Davis checks into Malibu's Passages rehab center, not to be confused with Malibu's Promises rehab center. For $75,000 a month, they'll help Davis treat his addiction to firecrotches and Paris Hilton's coke spoon. [InTouch]
• Unfortunately for Page Six, their top story is that Davis had refused to go. Those damn newspaper deadlines. [Page Six]
• For the first time, Tom Cruise has had a project taken away from him and given to a less crazy movie star by the name of George Clooney. We're still conflicted about Clooney, but he's better than Cap'n Crazyfuck. [Fox411]
• Vince Vaughn's mother invests $25 million into a fraudulent hedge fund. Vince Vaughn invests $25 million into keeping her away from the family bank account. [R&M]
• Kevin Federline has a job — and, unlike the hip-hop gig, this one pays actual money. He's modeling for Blue Marlin clothing, and Britney's so proud that he can sit still for the cameras like a big boy. [Page Six]
• Michael Eisner has no idea where he is, what he's done, or who he's talking to. [Lowdown]
• PETA goes after Beyonce Knowles, interrupting her overpriced omakase at Nobu to interrogate her about the use of fur in her clothing line. TMZ has the video, but it just shows Solange Knowles looking bored out of her mind. [TMZ]

Today brings sad news for fans of gambling, George Clooney in a tuxedo, and Old-Vegas-by-way- of-New-Hollywood-millions charm, as the Las Vegas Review Journal reports that Clooney-backed Las Ramblas resort project has been sold to a developer (for a massive profit, we might add), at least temporarily ending the actor's casino-owning dreams. Too bad. We were really excited to see how an actual architect might interpret rumored early design consultant Brad Pitt's cocktail napkin vision for the property.

The autograph has endured for centuries as the classic celebrity-fan interaction, a masterpiece of social synthesis in which all that is required of the participants is a writing instrument, a writing surface, and a brief traversal of the vast chasm of status that separates a famous person from his or her plebe admirer. Autograph Collector, the magazine devoted to such pursuits, has released a list of best and worst celebrity signers. Sitting atop is the approachable Johnny Depp, reportedly always at the ready with a smile and a Sharpie with which to personalize your Pirates of the Caribbean lunchbox:

• Denise Richards' divorce from Charlie Sheen is shaping up to be the sort of celebrity tempest that could make Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger look weak. Now Sheen's friends are talking to the press — the more nasty opinions, the merrier! [Page Six]
• And while Denise Richards seeks solace in the arms of Richie Sambora, Heather Locklear opts for wound-licking courtesy of David Spade. [Us Weekly]
• When Rosie O'Donnell heads to The View, we'll be praying that she'll accuse Star Jones of pooping soup on-air. That's Emmy material. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Pete Doherty generously shares his needle with a fan. Who happens to be unconscious. If she ever wakes up, she'll no doubt appreciate the gesture. [Sun UK]
• Is Jessica Simpson's flack Rob Shuter planting nasty quotage about Nick Lachey? Is water wet? [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Daniel Baldwin is arrested for cocaine, making him the little-known but totally fun brother. [CourtTV]
• Let's make sure we get this right: We're not to cast our eyes upon George Clooney, but we are supposed to listen to his pleas for Darfur? Doesn't work that way, George. Let us stalk you, and we'll happily fight genocide. [ITV]

· TVGasm has some good, clean, profoundly disturbing fun mixing and matching various facial features from Paula Abdul and Michael Jackson. Happy nightmares!
· Hey, killer chimps!
· Tom Hanks writes a love note to his retiring longtime make-up artist in the NY Times so genuinely moving and sincere that we hardly understand why we're linking to it. We're getting soft.
· Get ready for the rimshot: Hmm, that's funny, we'd always pegged Ryan Seacrest as a meat-eater. But not a bad trade-up in hetero photo-op partners from Teri Hatcher to two skinny vegetarians.
· George Clooney exercises great care in selecting the companies to whom he's willing to whore himself out.

Turns out all those sightings of George Clooney in Darfur weren't just meant to throw celebrity-stalking internet bloodhounds off the case. Clooney and his father indeed visited the region, and were horrified at what they witnessed while they were there: