Drugs that kill! Hospitals that kill! Pregnancies that kill! These and other things that kill, in today's Health Watch—where we keep an eye on health (yours)!

A made-up report has revealed that the USA is the world's most laziest country of all. But while you're celebrating that with some funnel cake sticks, your more svelte fellow Amerkins have some ideas on whipping you into shape.

Fighting ladies! Failed erections! Sexy studies! Stroke prevention! And the hottest thing ever! It's your daily science watch, in which we watch the science—scientifically!

Onion story comes to life: fat girl edition.

Oh hell, Reebok is now using even more gratuitously porny buttock photos to enhance the bullshit buttocks-toning promise of its allegedly buttocks-toning magic shoes, which are—god—so fake. Try attaching handles to the model and doing deadlifts, instead. [Copyranter]

Beer bones! Soda cancer! Money fear! Broken hearts! Happy marriage! Michelle O-fitness! It's time for your Gawker health watch, where we watch health—for YOU!

NObama's latest plan to curtail America's freedom is to deny our obese, no-attention-span-having schoolkids the option of gorging on Hot Fries and Snickers out of school-sponsored vending machines. Why won't our nation's soft drink conglomerates stand up for the children?

Is magic the answer to our obesity problem? And if so, should we use that powerful magic to lose weight until we just shrivel up into a dessicated husk? And can we still play football? These and other questions, answered!

It's well-established that New York City is home to sveltest of Americans. We are the rare Americans who can smugly say, "It's what's on the inside that matters." But what about our snoring, smoking, autism, and insanity?

Burger King sales are plummeting now that "super fans" are cutting back. For example, one super fan "figures he is saving more than $100 a week by eating fewer burgers." Goodness! Can America's food crisis grow any more dire?

Residents of New York City now have the longest life expectancy ever. Thank you, thank you. Thanks. How do we do it, besides killing each other less frequently? By not making the common fitness mistakes of Middle America.

The youth of today: what the hell are they doing all the time? Nothing good, that's for sure.

Oh sure, Jake Gyllenhaal's PR lady admits doing this terrifying "Intensati" fitness cult workout during work hours, and meanwhile fat West Virginians are reducing Jamie Oliver to tears, by fatness. Why does Jake Gylenhaal continue to neglect obese West Virginians?

20 zaftigs piled into a Swedish Weight Watchers facility to have their corpulence quantified: "We suddenly heard a huge thud; we almost thought it was an earthquake and everything flew up in the air. The floor collapsed..."

Hearty congratulations are in order, America: we as a nation have plateaued at a healthy 33% adult obesity rate. The fight on fat is won, pretty much! How are we as a nation celebrating?

It is the new year which means it's time for you to go on an unsuccessful diet, America! Let us survey the landscape of sure-to-fail fitness ideas rolling out (ha) soon. Select a few and promptly abandon them!

Infomercial experts have spent decades educating you, the consumer, on the benefits of "exercise." Now, scientists are jumping on the "exercise" bandwagon. Could "exercise" be good for you? What role does cereal play? And, will leaving your couch kill you?

Is coffee healthy? For the first time, scientists can definitively say, "Kind of in certain ways but in other ways probably not and for the overall question we guess it depends."

If there's one thing America needs more of to solve its obesity crisis, it is flashing electronic doo-dads. And pricey customized gizmos. Combine these with exercise video games, and brother, you are the fitness person of the future!

Well well, if it isn't the Federal Trade Commission, deciding now—after all American children have already starred on 'The Biggest Loser'—that there should be some rules about marketing unhealthy foods to kids. What foods? You will be amazed!