Residents of New York City now have the longest life expectancy ever. Thank you, thank you. Thanks. How do we do it, besides killing each other less frequently? By not making the common fitness mistakes of Middle America.

  • NON-NEW YORKERS ARE FAT: A new study reveals that even people whose body weight is normal can be fat, thanks to "hidden fat" that gives you a higher body-fat percentage. In other words, people with a higher body-fat percentage are fatter than people of the same weight with a lower body fat percentage. Thanks, science! If you want to live long, avoid having "hidden fat."
  • NON-NEW YORKERS ARE FOOLISH: In Prince George's County, just outside DC, an "activist" is trying to get the county to place a moratorium on fast food restaurants. Bad move, non-NYC people. Here in Life Expectancy City, we know that fast food restaurants are valuable resources for emergency urination situations. If you want to eat better, just skip the fast food restaurant for one of the many Whole Foods or Vietnamese or Vegan or Michelin-starred French restaurants nearby that serve healthier food. They're everywhere!
  • NON-NEW YORKERS HAVE DESPICABLE WORKOUT ROUTINES: The WSJ has discovered a disturbing trend of people seeking out free workout opportunities. We fail to see how any city can support a robust community of laid-off investment bankers-turned personal trainers with such a stingy civic attitude. Furthermore, these free workouts are of the most objectionable sort:

  • Kristen Horler, founder and chief executive of Baby Boot Camp LLC, a mall-walking group for mothers and babies in strollers, runs power-walking sessions at malls in Sarasota, Fla., five days a week. This month, "there are definitely some newcomers there, or as I'd like to call them, rookies," Ms. Horler says.

  • Or as I'd like to call them, "Non-New Yorkers who don't have the sense to

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