Which Makes You a Better Athlete, Magic or Anorexia?

Is magic the answer to our obesity problem? And if so, should we use that powerful magic to lose weight until we just shrivel up into a dessicated husk? And can we still play football? These and other questions, answered!

• Would you like to "target fat without surgery?" Crazy, right? Well you can do it, either by zapping it with a laser or supercooling the fat under your skin, both of which will magically make you look sexxxy. No matter which one you choose, you are dumb.
• If you want to be the greatest athlete ever, should you lose weight and lose weight and never stop losing weight as long as you can lose more weight, preferably through freezing laser magic? Surprisingly, medical science experts point out that, no, you will be skinny and weak if you do that, as well as anorexic.
• Although most NFL defensive linemen could stand to lose a few pounds. Particularly those on the Raiders.
• Perhaps an enjoyable way to lose that weight would be by doing some "nightclub cardio," eh? Sounds like a fun time? That's just what he wants you to think, ladies.

And an extra word of warning: Apparently some people now think it is "cool" to post a video of themselves on YouTube doing some sort of bastardized stability ball foolishness and call this video "Super Squats." Do not be fooled; accept no imitations. We do not condone this shit in any way, whatever it is. [Pic via]