In the same way in which 98% of Americans ply their "Modern Warfare" online rather than joining the Army, we also refuse to work out without the warm, glowing distraction of a video game.

Oh shoot, unexpected setback: Steroids may not be 100% good, for your body. The outside of your body, yes, totally ripped bro. But inside, ripped in the bad sense, like "your kidney has a rip in it, bro, ugly."

You know what else is bullshit, besides juice cleanses? The idea that wearing some ugly Reeboks with a curvy sole will give you an Ass of Steel. Bullshit. Also, cookie diets? Bullshit.

The Slim-Fast secret: bacterial contaminant-induced vomiting and diarrhea.

America just can't win. We stopped smoking—then we all got fat. So we lipo-sucked all the fat out and put it in our breasts, where it could do some good. Then we got sex-harassed at the gym!

If the youth of America don't lose that weight, how will they fare in the deserts of Iraq, waging our 100 Year War of Imperial Conquest? Exactly. That's why schools across the country are literally forcing kids to shape up.

Most obese Americans, meaning most Americans, have given up hope of ever losing that weight unless they can land a spot as a contestant on NBC's Biggest Loser. Unfortunately, Biggest Loser is made of 100% evil.

Since the last terrifying report 15 years ago, movie theater popcorn has not become healthy.

Fat: the silent menace of new moms and just plain fat people alike. Scientists now tell us that you must either have a small human suckle the fat off your body, or cut your own gut open, to slim down.

• Bread.

America is prepared to sacrifice its own children in order to win the War on Fat, with the help of Jesus, and The Government.

Does this antipsychotic medication make me look fat? Yes. Ugly or crazy? Your choice.

Scientists have now produced overwhelming evidence that bans on smoking lead to a healthier, less dead population. What does this mean for you and your typically unhealthy creative underclass lifestyle? It means it's time to pay for your sins.

The only "news" topic Americans really care about any more is: Innovative ways to lose weight and become superhuman athletic "champions," in order to get sex. Alas, we only try to achieve this by scientifically repackaging snack foods. And perfume.

Kristen Stewart hates talking Twilight as much as I do. Jimmy Kimmel's schtupping his writer, A-Rod's batting better when schtupping Kate Hudson, Miley Cyrus sucks at tipping, Jon Gosselin sucks like he did yesterday. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup!

We as Americans are not in the shape we once (1942) were. Is it possible to "lose" the accumulated weight of decades of Cap'n Crunch, Nestle Quik, and Quarter Pounders? America's willing to give it a shot. With crazy schemes.

Parenthood these days: It is full of challenges, or so we hear! As a parent, will you be able to successfully continue jogging? And what about your tennis game, and the peer pressure that goes with it? Parenting is hard!

For the sake of fitness, American college students are being asked to waddle back to their all-you-can-eat cafeteria buffets each time they want a new plateful of hot ham-n-cheese sandwiches and ranch dressing-laden iceberg lettuce. Too much to ask?

There's nothing better to do on a stifling day in August with absolutely no news than to watch inspirational Super Squat videos. Here's Tom Platz with 23 reps of 500 pounds! Super Squats are my bear videos. [Start the journey!]