To prepare for her role in Iron Man 2, Gwyenth Paltrow ate nothing but kale. To prepare for violent Jihad, two New Jersey men played paintball and lifted weights, before attempting to travel to Somalia.

Back fat! Artery gunk! Acupuncture science! Butterfly strokes! Bald death! Coke problems! It's your fundamentally important Health Watch, where we watch your health—assuming you're human, which we do!

Recession health! Exercise sleep! Executive workouts! Cornhole fever! And tainted supplements poisoning you from the inside out, ironically! It's your Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—while shopping for creatine, mmm!

Deadly sunscreen! Hooters fat! Soda hypertension! Vaccine kids! Dirty blood! Swimming babies! Swallowing batteries! It's your super-scientific Health Watch, where we watch your health—while developing firm opinions on issues too technical for us to grasp!

Australian fitness class participants: are they listening to pop music authentic enough to get them pumped? Alas, the answer may be "no." Because in Australia—whether it's cardio-kickboxing, spinning, or some other bullshit—it's set to Britney cover tunes.

Email fitness! Dirt babies! Hamburger guilt! Asthma fat! Calorie cuts! Happy longevity! It's your Health Watch, where we watch your health—while eating 100-calorie Twinkies, which are good, but small!

Horse therapy! Lettuce addicts! Healthy men! Bodega diets! Church workouts! Nursery cake! Food mockery! It's your Monday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—while snacking voraciously!

Getting in shape for any movie is hard. But the preparation for Iron Man 2 undertaken by Gwyneth Paltrow and Robert Downey Jr. was like a NASA experiment. Gwyneth ate only Kale; Robert hit truck tires with a sledgehammer.

Laughter yoga. Nazi yoga. Donation yoga with Dave Matthews playing in the background. Thank you, yoga. That's enough.

No toys in your food! Poison in your food! Fire fight your food! Hot peppers are your food! An electronic device is the master of your food! It's your Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—while sucking a habanero!

Daniel Ruf died of "multi-organ system failure" while desperately exercising to join the Marines. His mother is now suing the recruiters, alleging they forced him to wear a "plastic suit" and work out in 100-degree-plus temperatures.

The lead story in the New York Times Magazine's wellness issue this past weekend: "Does working out really help you lose weight?" A better question: Why doesn't the New York Times want to tell you the fitness truth?

Dead moms! Body piercing! Fat baby diets! Fat drug diets! And somebody poking all up in your teeth, for your own good! It's health watch, where we watch your health—while getting our shine on, simultaneously!

As Weight Watchers battles disparaging remarks about its pseudoscientific experts, the company also faces a more existential threat: women who think they don't need to be on a diet. Whoa, who said that was okay?

Injuries are nothing! Soda is nothing! Ab rollers are nothing! Our quote of the day will strengthen you! It's your daily fitness watch, where we watch fitness—while deadlifting properly!

Ladies: are you psychotically obsessed enough with your physical appearance? Fear not! Scientists have now determined exactly where you're failing in your quest to not be a fat, disgusting cow. They'll make you insane yet!

When you go to work out should you be all focused and intense and hardcore, or should you just be flipping through some magazine on the elliptical, while sexting? Well, look at it this way: Do you want to die?

Can strong core muscle workouts and avoiding bad stew give you plump lips, a killer imperialist warrior spirit, and a victory over Manny Pacquiao? These and other important issues are explored in today's Fitness Watch—we're watching fitness, downward doggedly!

Fat American wombs are overstuffed with fat baby eating machines that will soon die! Judo and soda taxes are our only hope. It's your daily fitness watch, where we watch your fitness—while jogging!

Are we sex addicts, or just terrible people? Are our obese children going to live into adulthood, or are we just terrible people? Are those eyelashes real, or are you a terrible person? Science has answers. Bad answers.